Kayler took in the sight of his boyfriend and felt if there was anything he could relate to, it was this. Closing yourself off for days on end, not responding to messages or calls, and neglecting taking care of yourself were habits he had developed when he went out on his own.
So he understood how he was feeling, and responded accordingly.
He loosened the boy’s hood and pulled it down so he could see his face and gently kissed him on the forehead.
“Okay we can do that. But you have to at least get a shower later. It’s not a cure all but you’ll feel a little better afterward.”
heavy eyelids momentarily fluttered shut as a kiss was pressed to his forehead. dimitri’s cheeks tinted at the contact, and he ran his bony fingers through his hair, allowing himself to mess up his nest of locks even more. despite the fact that they’d been officially dating for a while, dimitri still wasn’t used to kayler’s little romantic touches.
❝ yaaaaay, ❞ he sang at the older’s response ( though somewhat monotonously, as his voice was heavy with exhaustion ) and held open his arms for kayler to join him in his spot on the couch. shimmying further back to make space for the other, dimitri figured the shower would be worth it if he got to spend even a few minutes like this with his boyfriend.
( though truthfully, dimitri thought, a shower wouldn’t hurt. the last thing he wanted was for kayler to think that, on top of being a hassle, he smelled. )
Kayler made himself comfortable on the couch with Dimitri. He laid snuggled up against him and raised up his hand so he could casually run it through his messy mop of hair.
He gently ran his hand across it, twirling the little curls around his fingers with a gentle fondness. He just couldn’t help but wonder why this seemingly soft soul seemed to be plagued with such a darkness inside him that dragged him down.
He knew too well how that could feel, and he damn well knew he wouldn’t want anyone prying into his own darkness. So for now he would leave it be.
Dimi could open up when and if he wanted to, and no matter the choice Kayler would be there.
So for now he decided he’d just melted into the moment, feeling a sweet relaxing bliss envelop him in a warm embrace.
“This feels nice actually...I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt so relaxed.” He nuzzled against his lover, pressing a kiss to the side of his neck. “I work three part time jobs just to sustain myself so moments like this feel so few and far in between.”
“It makes me treasure the time I spend with you even more. You’re a...soothing presence.”
I’ve always wanted to put a bit more emphasis on what Kayler’s childhood was actually like. He’s never one to open up about this so it’s never really come up in roleplays with him yet.
So I’m going to write a drabble once in a while that has to do with pieces of his childhood that have helped shape him into an unstable man.
Considering it involves abuse as a central theme it’ll be under a read more.
TW: child abuse, self harm, suicidal thoughts, and mentions of animal abuse
-
The First “New Mother”
Kayler didn’t only grow up with his father raising him. Of course he was bound to get married again after his wife left him and Kayler behind.
He recalls his first “new mother” appearing when he was around six years old.
She was tall and beautiful, radiant blonde hair flowed down her shoulders and her bright green eyes could silence you with a single glance. She gave off the energy of a strong and confident woman. He was intimidated by her at first, but as the months went by Kayler found had himself growing accustomed to her presence.
She didn’t pay him too much attention, and when she did she acted with a seemingly gentle calm. It was a welcome change from his father’s constant berating. Maybe she felt sorry for him?
Kayler wasn’t sure. He didn’t feel too strongly about her either way. She was just a stand in for his old mother.
One day he was out in the backyard with the silver sharp garden trowel. He had made a little cut across his arm and welcomed the wave of relief and adrenaline that hit him. No animals had come around lately so he had resorted to injuring himself in an attempt to feel something other than an empty dullness.
What made him resort to these activities? He simply didn’t get along with other kids very well because he couldn’t enjoy what they were doing. How could he run around and have fun?
His father had made it perfectly clear he didn’t deserve that kind of enjoyment. He just had to focus on school activities and academics so he wouldn’t become a useless son. So that’s what he resolved to do.
But he needed some sort of release...some sort of rush. Injuring some animal or injuring himself provided just that. It wasn’t that he enjoyed the result of hurting something other than himself, he just needed the rush of the act. When it was finished he’d dispose of the body with no problem or regret.
He knew the animals didn’t deserve it but he needed this. He needed to feel something good. Anything.
Injuring himself was different though.
He knew he deserved the pain. He deserved nothing but suffering if he couldn’t live up to his father’s expectations. Not to mention it wasn’t like when his father would hurt him. At least he could control this.
As he made a cut across his arm he heard footsteps approaching and then the trowel was quickly snatched from his hand and thrown aside.
He looked up in shock to see his father’s girlfriend in a state of anger and of absolute disgust.
“What are you doing you little freak?!” She kicked Kayler in the side and sent him doubling over in pain. Tears brimmed his eyes as he fell to his knees and began to shake from the hard blow.
“God no wonder your dad hates you. You’re nothing but a disgusting little weirdo. What do you like pain Kayler?” She kicked him again a few times. He curled up into a ball to defend himself and after a minute she stopped.
It was a miracle nothing was broken. But it was only a small victory. Kayler had shuttered and sobbed in utter despair as the woman towered over him.
“Good to know I can let out my anger on you and not feel bad about it. You’re probably enjoying it deep down you sick little fuck.”
He heard her walking away and when he knew she was out of earshot he began to openly sob out in pain. He clutched roughly at his hair and began to rock back and forth.
Was it true? Was he sick? He didn’t feel sick...what did she mean by that? He was too young to know the true implication of her words.
That when he felt someone pull him up by his hair. He knew that strong grasp anywhere. “Ow! D-Daddy I’m sorry! I’m sorry daddy!” He got up in his son’s face and yelled without remorse. “You’re damn right you’re sorry! Just what the hell is wrong with you?!”
Tears poured down the young boy’s cheeks as his father screamed and berated him. “Quit crying! It’s pathetic! Do you want to scare her away from us?! You better knock this shit off!”
The little boy tried to speak between croaking sobs. “B-But daddy s-she...she w-wasn’t...a-a-afraid. She k-kicked me-” He then threw him to the ground with a considerable amount of force causing him to yelp out in pain. “Don’t lie to me you little shit! She was crying! She was terrified because of you!”
Poor little Kayler was a blubbering mess at this point. “I-I just...wanted...t-to feel good. T-To feel....h-happy...”
His father scoffed at him, “I thought I already told you that you don’t deserve those things Kayler. Maybe when you’re older...if you manage to amount to anything.”
The child nodded fervently, “I’ll m-make you...p-proud! I p-promise daddy!”
His father smirked and ruffled his son’s hair. The boy flinched at the touch, not expecting it to be gentle. “Good. Now go inside and clean up for dinner.”
He stood up on shaky feet, holding his bruised stomach as he made his way inside...and was met with that woman’s evil satisfied smile.
~
They got married a month later. He made himself appear happy at the wedding but inside he was screaming in pain. Now he was going to be forced to endure pain from two adults. It took him all he had not to cry at the ceremony.
Their marriage only lasted a year and a half much to Kayler’s relief. He wasn’t sure how much more kicking he could take from that woman’s heels.
On the day she had moved out he received a hell of a beating from his father. Of course he blamed his son for the falling out. He hit him so hard he broke one of his ribs. Of course he told a lie at the hospital and told them he fell down the stairs and Kayler was too scared to say otherwise.
That night when he went to bed he just stared blankly at the darkness that surrounded him.
“He’s right...I ruined it. I ruined everything. I always ruin everything. I’m so disgusting.” He traced the cuts he made the previous day across his arm that were scabbing over thoughtfully. “If I ever stop working...if I ever stop being useful..”
dimitri should have been more careful when he had opened the door.
when he heard the knocking, he had assumed his sister, talon, had left her key ( again ) and needed help getting back inside. instead, dimitri was faced with his boyfriend, the last person he wanted to see him in this state.
perhaps his ignored calls and messages over the past few days were a valid cause of concern; now he was left to deal with the consequence: kayler was going to know how awful being with him truly is.
❝ i’m not hungry. ❞ dimitri said, words slow with exhaustion. his tangled mop of hair was hidden beneath a hood, and his free hand tugged on the strings of his sweater until the hood’s hole was just big enough for his nose and mouth.
❝ why can’t we…lay down together instead…? ❞
Kayler took in the sight of his boyfriend and felt if there was anything he could relate to, it was this. Closing yourself off for days on end, not responding to messages or calls, and neglecting taking care of yourself were habits he had developed when he went out on his own.
So he understood how he was feeling, and responded accordingly.
He loosened the boy’s hood and pulled it down so he could see his face and gently kissed him on the forehead.
“Okay we can do that. But you have to at least get a shower later. It’s not a cure all but you’ll feel a little better afterward.”
“It’s just all in my head. My head is just fucked up that’s how it’s always been.” His usual confident and cocky demeanor had diminished. Leaving a broken man in its wake.
“I just need to control it that’s all...make them be quiet. That’s what he told me.”
“Dimi come on...” He lightly tugged on his boyfriend’s hand in an attempt to make him get off the couch. Kayler was prone to slumps like these sometimes so he knew how hard it could be to get moving.
“It’s been three days you need a shower...and an actual meal. I could make you some breakfast.”
Just some insight into Kayler and Valentine and how they’re alike and how they’re different. Because as much as Val hates to admit it she does have stuff in common with her half brother.
Basics:
Relation: The same father. (Val’s mother cheated on her husband and got pregnant from Kayler’s father. Val was raised by her mother and her husband under the guise of him being her real father. But he knew the truth.)
Shared Likes: horror movies, heavy metal, hard rock, thunderstorms, and taking care of people.
Shared Hates: being pitied, their parents, being told what to do, and being told they’re wrong.
Shared Qualities: protective, intelligent, stubborn, violent tendencies(rare for Val), over bearing, independent, charming, loyal, cunning, aggressive, insecure, vengeful, generous, dependable, and affectionate.
Physical Traits: similar facial expressions, same skin color, and same colored hair(brunette).
Shared Mental Illnesses: Borderline Personality Disorder (They both have problems with empathy. Kayler’s is a bit more severe.)
Mannerisms: tapping fingers when bored, clutching fists when angry, holding cigarette in between index and middle finger, and tugging at clothes when nervous.
Upbringing:
Both were raised in an unloving, abusive, and pressuring household. Both were pressured harshly to be successful by their fathers and didn’t receive any love or affection from their mothers. Kayler’s mother left when he was a baby and Val’s mother ignored her most of the time.
Both were raised with the intention of being made “perfect”. But when mental issues made themselves apparent they got ignored. Both also had a tendency to hurt animals when they were young.
It took Val literally killing her friend for them to get her mental help. That’s where the similarities stop in that department. Kayler’s dad never got him mental help. He was too desperate to make him perfect and rub his success in Val’s mom’s face and flash him around to colleagues.
That’s why today Valentine is mostly stable mentally. While Kayler is suffering inside his mental illnesses. Having it drilled into him since he was young he disregards getting help because he thinks it’ll make him weak and pathetic and erase who he is. At least that’s what his father said…
Love:
Val and Kayler love very strongly. When it comes to people they care about they’re ride or die. If you even think of fucking with someone they love you’ll be in the midst of a hell storm.
Gray Morals:
When faced with saving a loved one and having to kill to save them neither of them regret it or feel empathy for the stranger or their possible loved ones. If they had to kill for a loved one under any circumstance they wouldn’t regret it. (But Kayler does it way more often than necessary.) And if you hurt or wronged a loved one harshly then they both believe you deserve what’s coming next.
Kayler’s View:
Kayler dug deep into old files and found out about the murder Val committed when she was young and her mental state at the time. Because of that he believes that deep down she is a lot like him. He grips desperately onto that because he doesn’t want to be alone with how he feels. He wants someone that understands.
Sometimes he’ll try to provoke her and push her buttons to see if she’ll let out her “dark side”. When she doesn’t he gets unbelievably frustrated. He doesn’t understand why she holds it back. Why won’t she come down to his level? Why is she leaving him to suffer alone?
Despite all of his twisted views he does genuinely love and care about her. That’s why it hurts him so much.
Valentine’s View:
Valentine won’t admit but she’s a little happy that she has a brother despite his ways. But that doesn’t mean they don’t make her frustrated and angry.
She wants him to get help. She wants him to be healthy because deep down she loves him too. Seeing him act the way he does hurts.
But given her own problems she has a hard time addressing it with him. She gets angry and they are prone to get into a screaming match. With how stubborn they are it can last a long while before they just get too tired and give up for the day.
Its frustrating but their similarities keep them from getting to the heart of the matter. Val wants to be the fixer. She wants to fix people’s problems so they can be happy but she has a hard time knowing when she just can’t fix something. At least by herself.
In Conclusion:
Val wants to pull Kayler out of the darkness out of love and Kayler wants to pull her into the darkness out of love.
It would definitely take some sort of third party to come in and help resolve their issues.
Otherwise they’ll both be butting heads until someone ends up getting hurt.
Kayler made it a point to cross his legs and sit straight, his gloved hands neatly folded on the table in front of him. He was creating this picture perfect image of innocence and it took sheer will power for Val not to scoff at him.
Noticing the shy look on his face she realized how awkward Dimitri must’ve been feeling about this. He hadn’t expected them to know each other after all, and she didn’t sound especially happy to see him which didn’t help matters.
So she steeled herself and put on a smile, doing her best to sound pleased.
“Y-Yeah kind of. We’ve hung out a few times...I first met him at the library a few months ago and we were both in the horror/thriller section.”
She thought bitterly to herself, Whether that was coincidence or not is yet to be determined...
Kayler decided to relax a bit and let his arms lean onto the table. He was just relieved that she decided to put on an act for the time being.
He had something good going with Dimitri, he made him feel happy. He made him feel alive. He loved Val but he’d be lying if he said he wouldn’t be pissed at her if she got in the way. She was already leaving him behind, couldn’t she let him have this one shred of happiness?
He pushed those dark thoughts aside and replied in a relaxed and happy tone that he’s mastered through the years. “Yeah and we’ve been acquainted since. I was surprised when I saw her at the table with you.” He had chuckled sweetly, resting a hand over his boyfriend’s.
“But now you have nothing to be nervous about since we already like each other Dimi!”
Val grimaced, unable to hide the irritation on her face at his sickening act but she kept her voice steady.
“Yeah. You can relax Dimi he’s got the Valentine seal of approval.”
( – starter for @the-broken-youth // @soulesslittleboy )
dimitri’s unusual state of happiness was quickly noticed by val during the weeks that followed his and kayler’s confessions. though he often attempted to be cheerful, there was an obvious difference in comparison to how joyful he was now. only when val pointed it out did dimitri realize he had never told her about the developments in his love life.
he briefly filled her in, and after she had agreed to meet dimitri’s new boyfriend, he eagerly made plans. now dimitri was sitting with val at a cafe, fingers of one hand curled around a mug of tea, and the other around his buzzing cell phone.
dimitri answered the call, replying with short answers before hanging up and turning back to val cheerfully, ❝ he says he’s almost here! it shouldn’t be much longer… ❞
Val was taking joy in Dimitri’s heightened mood lately. Seeing her best friend’s eyes light up as he talked about his new boyfriend made her day. This sweet boy deserved all the happiness he could get. She couldn’t wait to meet the man responsible for this change.
She sipped her cappuccino with a smile, “Can’t wait-” A gasp escaped her throat as she cut herself off.
She saw him. A tall man who was the very definition of tall, dark, and handsome. A man coated in a layer of sugary sweetness with a cold. harsh, and poisonous center.
He approached with a smile and leaned down to kiss Dimitri on the cheek, “Hello darling.” Kayler shot Val a knowing smile and took a seat next to his boyfriend.
“Nice to see you Valentine.”
How was she supposed to react? Several emotions bubbled up within her, most of them associated with anger. But she decided to grit her teeth until she could be alone with her brother later.
