Can you forgive me now?

You hold the answers deep within your own mind. Consciously, you've forgotten it. That's the way the human mind works. Whenever something is too unpleasant, to shameful for us to entertain, we reject it. We erase it from our memories. But the imprint is always there

[soundasleep]

I feel so small

I feel so small and tiny sometimes.

On rare days i feel like a child that’s being lectured. 

I feel like tucking myself in a corner and tucking my body in the shape of a tiny ball.

And just rocking back and forth in the fetal position.

You could never know just by looking at me.

I stand tall no matter how low i feel. My head is always up and eye contact is always a must for me. You’ll never hear my voice quaver, and you will never see the sorrow through my eyes.

[soundasleep]

J

I’ve tried. I’ve tried so hard to apologize. I know I’m a horrible friend. Am/was, but I know. But you’re too important to me to just let you go without a fight. 10 years from now I will still be trying to have you forgive me. Up to now you are still the most important person in my life aside from my family. When I told you years ago that I can see us being old and still being friends, I meant that. You’re the only person I fight for. You’re the only person I still talk about from back home. You’re the one one I reminisce about. No matter how much it hurts

Its been two years now. It’s as if you don’t care. Like you never cared about me, our friendship. Everytime we talked about the future, about how important our friendship was to eachother. It now feels like it was one sided. Like I was the only one that meant it. Am I that horrible? Do you kept finding things about me that made you pull away? How can you just drop someone completely out of your life? I hate how I love you enough to forgive you everytime you come back after disappearing. I know how easy it is for you to continue living your life. But I can’t. I have a whole missing in my chest. You were/are my person. Youre my friend soul mate. Do you have a best friend now that’s 100 times better than I ever was? I hope you do. I hope in the last two years since I last spoke to you, you have someone you can lean on and share your soul with. And I don’t mean a boyfriend. It’s different, no matter how much you love a guy it’s never the same as having friend that completes you.

Just put me out of my misery. Tell me to leave you alone for good. Tell me you want nothing from me. Tell me I’m annoying you. Tell me you don’t care for me. That you just don’t care anymore, you moved on. Or tell me why you pulled away, explain it to me please. Your silence won’t make me stop trying. It’s just making it worse.

@ftemn

[abibliophobia]

Some days I feel so fucking alone. I feel like no amount of tears will make it better. No amount of socializing will help me. I can never seem to fully comprehend the feeling. Why now? Are my introvert ways not working for me anymore? Why do I feel abandoned? Why do I feel empty? I shouldn’t feel like this, ive pushed everyone away to enjoy the silence. To enjoy being alone. Why is it that everytime I feel complete alone do I always think of just dying? I don’t get why… Why do i have to feel alone but want to push everyone away from me? Nobody is trust worthy, no body’s dependable. Everyone is just going to let you down and leave you. Or just me. Maybe I just Don’t deserve anyone. Maybe I’m despicable and I can’t see it. Maybe someone sees something in me that sees I’m not worth the fight. I’m not worth sticking around. I hold my tears back so much I can’t even fully cry anymore. It came back. My mind is just a dark place Now. But this time I don’t want to fight through it. I just want it to swallow me up. I want to disappear in the darkness. I want to disappear in general. Maybe when I wake up again everything would be brighter, everything would be okay. But Who am I kidding… There’s no more room for optimism in my head and I don’t want it to. Ive lived my life with the glass half full, and i’m ready for the glass to shatter in my hands and the water to turn black with despair. For the first time in my life I want to be swallowed up from my depression. I want it to overtake my mind. I’m not fighting anymore. Fuck I’m Happy it’s back. I’m Happy. And I’m ready to let go.

[soundasleep]

It’s been such a long time since i felt like this.

for the past few days I've been wanting to be alone and enjoy the loneliness. i started getting scared that my depression was coming back, but i thought hard and i was blissful.

i was happy, nothing was plaguing me.

After the whole thing when my sister told me how you felt,... I’ve been in my head a lot and that is why i wanted some alone time with you.

I felt myself pulling away. i didn’t want to deal with this because what i said was taken out of context and taken the wrong way.its hard for me to see when I’m wrong because i never do anything with bad intentions. and its usually because of a misunderstanding.

so i start feeling like whats the point on making the other person understand? And then the disappointment and the let down hits me so hard. I

I’m always the problem. My way of being.

so there's no need, and i need to pull away from you. No need to make you understand because you wont understand fully.

 You made up your mind. So i was going to back away and just be friends. and not let our friendship progress.

 The self hate is huge with me, because its always the same thing with me being too blunt or honest and not having a filter once i have someone i trust. I forget people are human. Even  if they understand they really don’t. No matter how close i am with someone i’ll always end up hurting them because of how comfortable i get. 

However, you are someone really important to me. 

i really do believe we came into each others life for a reason. And I’ve never felt like that with a friend. I’ve never felt like they were put in my path for a reason. 

their just there.

 but you are.

So i will fight for you. 

I will make you understand. And i will pay attention to what i do and say. i will make an effort. I'm not going to pull away like i usually do.

[soundasleep]

Its coming back

I’ve fought and pushed my depression out of my mind.

2 yrs and I’ve barely had flashes of darkness

I feel the grip in my heart, suffocating me, drowning me.

I need to swim, i need to breath. I will not let it take over. I am stronger than my thoughts. I control myself not my mind. 

[soundasleep]

A

A

   I miss your stupid smirk. I miss your perfect straight nose. Your hands, your smell. I miss your hugs. I miss your laugh, the twinkle in your eyes when you're about to be a smartass. 

You know i still listen to the song ‘Almost Lover’- A fine frenzy every time i want to reminisce.  The last time i saw you still hurts me,   It shouldn't have been like that.  How are you? 

Do you still think of me?

Do you smile every time you think of me like i do for you?

Does your heart expand in happiness whenever you think of the last month before i left? or even our HS times?

You almost seem like a figment of my imagination. 

I'm sorry, im so sorry for how i cut you off.

I don’t regret it but i had to. I can never come second to someone and i would never allow myself to do that. 

I want you back in my life, but would you have me?

[soundasleep]

A

I miss you so much 

[soundasleep]

The guilt will not let me go to sleep. I have never gone through this before.

I have never stood my ground so strongly before.

[soundasleep]

I always think things through. I don't like to question my motives.

Whenever my action hurts someone, I always seem to question it.

But knowing I've upset someone, i always rethink and think I'm in the wrong. Which is why i hate what Stacy does.

She will ALWAYS play the victim, especially when she knows she's the one in the wrong.

I told her unless she pays me i will not be driving her to work. And I'm putting my foot down.

She knows I'm mad at her so like always she switches things around and now she's the one mad at me. (Ofcourse because i didn't drive her to work)

The thing with her is that she only see's the top layer where i always see the deep layer. There's more to one action than what you first see. there's always more to something and it's up to you to see it. She never does.

This isn't about her not wanting to go with me. This is about her selfishness and how I'm done. I've given up.

Nothing i do will ever be good enough.

I'm done playing her games, I'm done feeling like their little bitch. I'm done feeling used, stuck in one place.

I need to stand my ground to fix it.

ITS NOT ALL ABOUT THEM! I CAN'T!

I hate feeling guilty when i know i didn't do anything wrong. I hate feeling so guilty i forget why i'm even mad. All i know is i have to stand my ground. I cant back down.

I'm better than this, I am.

I can't let them manipulate me.

I have to be strong.

[soundasleep]

I asked my sister for one favor, Just one.

To come with me to pick up my mom from work

I was exhausted, It's a 40min drive and i don't have a D.L.

And don't mind that i just finished driving her around all day.

After BEGGING her, she finally decided yes.

After a while, and a couple of times of her trying to bribe me to get out of it we were about to leave.

While i waited for her i told her i was going to take the Ipad with me when i go on vacation. Never mind that I am also the owner of the Ipad and i didn't have to inform her of it.

She through a huge fit, treating me as like child. She said no because i could lose it or break it. Mind you i paid an equal 200 just like her for it. equal ownership.

I told her it wasn't up to her to decide, and i was not asking her.

On top of that i never questioned her when she would take it to work or school. I never questioned her when she messed up $100 case. I never accused her of not being able to properly care for it.

So for her to come to me with that pissed me completely off.

But what topped it off was when she said that i got her mad so she's not going with me anymore.

Really? REALLY?!

 I completely lost it an i went off on her.

I barely remembered what i told her, but i do remember telling her to go fuck Hershel. To find herself a ride to work because I'm not taking the sacrifice of driving mami to work, 40 minutes away at 6 in the morning just so i can drive her 5 minutes away.

After i left she sent me this apology text. Which amazed me since no one ever apologizes in this household, ever!

As much as i wanted to forgive her i couldn't. I have to stand my ground.

But...

iTS so hard

[soundasleep]

6am - drive ma to work

9am - drive Stacy to work

12pm - Go cash Stacy's check

3pm - Drive Angie to work

4:30pm - Pick up Stacy from work

5:30pm - Drive to walmart

8pm - Pick up Ma from work

[soundasleep]

I'm Done

I'm done.

I'm done with this family, I'm done trying.

They just sucked out all of my energy.

I tried to bring all of us together again. I could picture us in the future not talking to each other at all. I wanted to fix it, i wanted change.

fuck that. Do you know how hard that is when your are the only one trying.

I want to get away. They are fucking eating me alive.

They fuck with my head without knowing. They make me feel weak. So out of control. I question all of my motives because of them. I always do something wrong.I always feel like a fucking child.

I've always been such a push over with them. I can never stand my ground.

And when i do, its the end of the world.

[soundasleep]

I am stronger and smarter.

You see, im not like you. I wont give you the silent treatment for about two weeks then start talking to you out of the blue as if everything's okay. I see it as im more mature than you.

I know that will get us nowhere. See, i will talk to you, there will be communication.

I wont forgive you, and i wont forget.

When we are both ready we will talk about it (that is, if you even care). I will not ignore the problem like you are so used to doing

. I am smarter than that.

[soundasleep]

I seem to doubt myself too much.

The minute i start over thinking things i freak out and want to bail. To pull out and erase it from ever happening.

Usually this would be a normal reaction, but most of the time it has to deal with a guy. I usually freak out and want to drop him to spare myself from embarrassment.

Funny is they never see it the way i do meaning I'm the one overreacting and they never know the reason for my actions because i never take time to warn them; have them choose for themselves if its worth walking away.

[soundasleep]

I need you to be rough

I need you to tug my hair

Bite me, squeeze me, hurt me

Just fuck me right

Hard and fast.

Talk dirty to me

Manhandle me.

[soundasleep]

My sister has been talking trash about every single one of us with her "friend" that's staying with us. My mom found out and it was the last straw. She told her to move out as soon as possible.

Mostly because this isn't the first time. She did it when my cousin was over here as well but we never said anything.

She has always talked bad about us to him, for all the years that they've known eachother.

She would act like everything was okay, act as if she agreed with everything we said then do an about face the minute she wasn't with us.

This ALWAYS happens im so sick of her shit.

I called her out on it and told her how I've always let it go before but not this time. I'm sick and tired of her two face ways. Its so maddening!

And ofcouse she decides to play the victim and went upstairs to pack and cry without even talking.

[soundasleep]

We all need help. We most definitely need counseling. We each have our pain, and they are all so different. But what makes us all alike is our skill to hide it. To run from the pain. I personally realized that no matter how hard I run I am going to have to stop and catch my breath, and when i do my problems will catch up. I have to face them head on. There’s no more running. When will they learn to just face the truth or even to just Speak without so much anger? Even just speak before its too late? Not to hold in soo much? How can such a normal family be so fucked up? Where did it all go wrong?