Looked through your twitter and noticed you deleted a bunch of drawings :( did you archive them somewhere or was it personal reasons? hope all is well!!
Oh wow, this has been sitting in my inbox since February, so sorry, Anon!😭
Sorry in advance but this is going to be a long read. This is not what you asked for, but Intake this as an opportunity to let others know what is going on.
I have not been great. My physical health has worsened and my brain(which has mild damage) has taken a toll as well. I have been afraid and still am. I’m scared of dying and passing suddenly. I’m afraid I will die before I reach old age and it stems from irrational anxiety. But my body really hasn’t been well and I still suffer from various things affecting my quality of life. I am incredibly burnt out and my abilities to take care of my basic needs are not up to date.
I have tried focusing much more on IRL rather than my online presence, both of choice but also due to my brain not being able to keep up. Executive and cognitive abilities are absolute shite.
I have done it many times over the years, made new accounts and redone my online identity when I became overwhelmed. This time it feels different, I think I have begun a possible detachment from the internet and by that removing my art and presence but without starting on a fresh page. In addition, I have very little desire for my close ones to see my NSFW art and online statements if I should pass away lol.
I also came to the realisation that a lot of my creativity was boosted by online validation but it didn’t really fulfill me in any way. I suddenly felt like my art was false, “not mine” and it felt so disconnected from me. It made me anxious, it made me upset and it made me resentful.
I have a lot of unfinished business in my life and I’m trying to focus on getting it done, but it has been much harder than anticipated with me being so ill. It feels like I can only focus on a single thing at a time and it’s never enough. I feel like a failure with all of these small failures, but many of them are also so small and insignificant that it really doesn’t matter in the bigger picture. Yet, I find hating myself for it.
I feel so much guilt. My conscience is heavy and drains me. I haven’t been able to draw because of it. What art I have made has been nothing but gory venting. I cannot do things I want to since I have things I have to. I feel embarrassed for my shortcomings and punish myself by not truly allowing myself to enjoy things, all on top of being ill. At the same time, I feel like enjoying things is something I need to have regularly as well, creating even more pressure upon myself. A bad cycle.
I’m not well. I feel incomplete, incompetent and weak. My body is incomplete, incompetent and weak. I want my loose ends sorted but feel too paralysed to do so.
I don’t want to die. Not now. I want to have my life sorted so in case of me dying, I die with no regrets or missing pieces. It’s a compulsive mindset which I can’t seem to get rid of.
I don’t think I will ever delete this tumblr but I might end up abandoning it one day. For now, I just won’t promise anything. Who knows, things might change for the better and perhaps I will start posting regularly again. But I am in the process of deleting accounts on various platforms.
For now, I have to focus on my health. Sorry for the downer post. I hope you guys are well and best wishes.
