LSD (2023) promo shot by Camila Noriega. Edited by Euan.
For as long as I can remember I feel like I’ve had to fight for everything in my life. When my parents outed me, I was verbally abused and eventually made to sleep in the garage. It wasn’t so bad, my dad had converted it into a makeshift studio right before. So there was carpet, insolation, etc. Still it was fucked up, I was only 15 at the time. I only had my bed, some books, and a lot of hurt. I ended up running away for weeks in order to show them I wouldn’t tolerate the mistreatment. It worked, but only because I fought.
Let’s go even farther back: I picked up music by ear in middle school, this is where I learned about my perfect pitch ability. I was quick to learn, dedicated, and honestly a natural born talent. For some reason though, the band teacher seemed to hate it. I understood his annoyance when I would only play the top line rather than my part. But what about later, when I learned to read music? He seemed to hold a grudge, always talking down to me. My friends would openly talk me up to the director in an effort to move me to 2nd or 1st chair. Still, he never budged. This attitude continued with future instructors all the way up until my senior of high school, where they seemed to finally appreciate me. I always checked myself to see if I was rude or cocky, thinking maybe a kind demeanor would win them over. Looking back, I had 0 confidence so that wasn’t it... I just did my best. At the end of my senior year I finally got 2 awards, one including a small scholarship that helped pay for my laptop. That went a long way and I’m grateful, but damn did I have to fight for any type of recognition in my youngest years.
Flash forward a few years, I’m trying to break into the industry as an artist. I have like 300 listeners and it’s starting to slowly grow after my collab with Steve Grand. I see a lot of small queer artists getting press on a VERY popular music publication — no, it’s like THE music publication. I decided to shoot my shot… BOOM. Sexually harassed by the head editor! From the very first message!!! Why am I surprised at this point? I decided to play along in hopes of getting a feature, because who wouldn’t? I was powerless. I remember he was trying to sext me while I was in Mexico visiting family. It was humiliating. I respectfully shot it down and the next day he suddenly, “didn’t have the bandwidth” to feature my upcoming single Fluids. Go figure. Luckily, a group of other very small artists that were being harassed came forward and made a big fuss in the press. I knew I had to make my voice heard, this was my only chance to put an end to it. Guess what? We did. Finally, once that editor was removed, I finally got my first ever major feature. Crazy how much went into that single moment, huh? Once again, I fought.
Now, I face an entirely new monster. An invisible one that is literally programmed to be biased. As much as everyone wants to deny it, it’s true. TikTok. The beast that every artist — small to big — is enslaved by until further notice. Now let me say, I truly am thankful for the growth that the app allows. I’ve never had such easy access to an entire audience. That being said, and i know this sounds dramatic, but it’s just 100% true… we’re in hell. This app is relentless. The pressure to blow up is insane. The pressure to then maintain it once you do blow up is insane. The low attention spans. The coming and going of big name labels. And when you don’t blow up, when you don’t get an offer, when views suddenly plummet… you spiral and think, “what’s wrong with me? what aren’t I doing right? aren’t I interesting enough?”
Directly after that spiral, you go to an influencer party or a label mixer where you meet a kid just like you. Perfect pitch, musical savant, a natural born talent. Just. Like. You. Except they come from a family that loves who they are & nurtures their talent. They get found by Justin Fucking Bieber, just by chance! They get an A-List songwriter as their mentor. They date an A-List teen celeb. Everything lined up for them from day fucking 1. So they’re cocky, arrogant, a little snobby, but overall pretty kind when you’re around. You don’t even have room to be jealous. It’s more like, this deep sadness knowing what could’ve been. It’s toxic thinking so I try not to let my mind go there.
Instead, I try to be okay with knowing my story is different — long, winding, sometimes painful, but always beautiful. I won’t stop fighting until I get what I deserve. Not now, not ever.
origamiaround
blakekathryn
vaporwave
pixelskylines
areudirty
dailybridgerton
