live and let live

feelings and experiences

[spillingthoughtsblog]

confrontations

I’ve never been good with conflicts and confrontations.

I’ve always tried my best to avoid it. And I’m growing tired of avoiding and numbing it down.

So today, I decided that I will conquer my fear of conflicts.

I told myself that being scared of the outcome is just in my head.

I confronted my aunt that I’ve been having a tensed relationship with, she’s been living with us for over a year now and not even once she initiated to let us know when they’re going to leave. She just stayed in the house hoping that no one will ask her when she’ll leave.

When I asked her nicely, she took it so negatively that she started crying and started playing the victim card.

But I can see through her bullshit. She can’t play me anymore. Playing victim wont make me feel pity for her.

She was provoking me to confess that I don’t like her in the family group chat hoping my other relatives will take her side. And so I did, I told her that I don’t like her. It was my first time telling one of my relatives how I really felt about him/her. So that was really scary for me and liberating.

Because I’m so sick of tolerating her. Seeing her everyday is so stressful. I did what I had to do or else my mom and sister will never speak up and I will be stuck living with her. I will be stuck always feeling stressed and uncomfortable living in my own house.

She was also trying to make us feel so bad for asking her until when are they going to stay here.

I deserve to be happy. My family deserves to be happy.

I did what I had to do to save my mental health.

This is my truth. I don’t expect anyone else to understand this.

Im doing this for myself.

[spillingthoughtsblog]

Tuning In.

I’m single for 4 months now and that’s the longest running time I’ve done.

I’ve been in and out of relationships for 12 years. I started dating back in High School when I was 14 years old. Since then I didn’t stop getting into new relationships- most of the times inter lapping. Back then I thought it was normal, healthy and the best decision I was doing for myself. Honestly, my biggest fear before was being scared to be lonely that’s why I kept on having boyfriends. I was scared that I was going to end up alone. Thinking about this now, it probably has to do with my childhood trauma. My mom and dad didn’t exactly have a happy marriage and they got annulled in the end. Mom was a battered wife and dad was or still an addict (I have no idea about it now) and I could faintly remember them arguing all the time. I guess always having a boyfriend was a way for me to prove to myself that I won’t end up like my parents' marriage that’s why I was always following and submitting to my exes so they wouldn’t leave me. In the end, it was me always leaving them because I was always unhappy because It felt as if I lost my own identity.

My last serious relationship lasted for a year and it was physically, mentally and spiritually satisfying. Though I had to end it because it was getting insecure and demanding. At that time, I didn’t have the energy to deal with such stress as I was focused in my career and taking care of myself. I decided to break up because I’m tired of hurting another guy and I was unsatisfied with myself.

After we broke up, I felt so damn free knowing that I don’t have to constantly update someone on my whereabouts, consider their opinions and constantly worry if they will get upset if I decide to do something. This time, I’m spending time with myself. I found out what makes me tick and what are my boundaries. I’m learning to form my own values and principles, what are the things that I really enjoy doing and to stand up for myself and my loved ones. I’m learning what are the things that I should not give a fuck.

I want to be more in tune with myself and I want to shape my own life. I want to discover what are my passions, goals and ambition. I’m tired of always adjusting and conforming to what my partner’s goals and desires. The next time I get into a serious relationship I want to have something to offer to the table that is uniquely mine. I want to nicely wrap myself into a gift with a card that says, “This is me. Flaws and all.”, open it up and let the right person accept me for who I really am.

[spillingthoughtsblog]

And I’m back in my home country!

I’m currently quarantined in a hotel for three days now and I just got my CoVid-19 test result. Thankfully, it came out Negative, bitchezz! I’m so ready to go to my home and surprise my family. I really missed them so so much.

People have been asking me “So, what’s your plan?” and I always don’t really know what to answer yet. I know what I wanna do, like of course I have a plan but maybe right now due to the pandemic it will be kinda hard to land a job.

I really wanna go back abroad to continue working. So I guess I’ll do everything in my power to go back there. I’ll just be patient. For now, I’ll just spend time with my family and enjoy their company while also applying abroad.

I hope everything goes well for me and for all of you too.

[spillingthoughtsblog]

I’ll come back stronger.

My journey here abroad will finally come to an end. For now. Even though I still don’t have a scheduled flight date yet, I can already feel it coming. I can already feel the sadness mixed with excitement. A bittersweet feeling.

I just found out today that my friends here already have their scheduled flight date. In less than two weeks from now, they’ll go back home. Back to our home country. It’s a little bit sad because surely I will miss them but I know that we will still see each other back home.

It’s sad because I won’t be able to continue my supposed plans here in Dubai and knowing that I’ll leave this beautiful first world country. The hassle-free commute to and fro. Air-conditioned bus waiting sheds and the metro station. I’ll miss how the people here are very well mannered and behaved.

Also, I’ll miss the people who I have shared intimate moments with. I’ll be grateful for them for making my stay here memorable and worthwhile.

This is not the last time though, I know I’ll be back when the pandemic is over. It may not be in Dubai but a different country, The world has endless possibilities and I’ll be ready to conquer it.

[spillingthoughtsblog]

Battling Anxiety Attack.

It was so hard to breathe, as if something was stuck in my throat and something really heavy in my chest. I couldn't breathe, my heart was pounding hard. My mind was going frantic, it felt like I was out of my body. As if I was losing grip of the world.

I grabbed my pack of cigarettes and lighter, decided it would help me breathe better and calm my mind. I stepped outside, hoping the fresh air would help but no I still felt like I couldnt control myself. I even tried walking back and forth, trying to control my breathibg at the same time but i still didnt feel better. Suddenly, I started crying, my hands shaking and a tingling sensation in my hands and feet. What the hell is happening? I cant control it. Now breathing hard and fast.

I didnt know what to do, who to go to. I tried my best to think, and yes I have someone that wouldn't judge me- my go-to. I started to message her about how im feeling and I thank the universe for her beautiful soul. Good thing she was still awake-we're in different timezones, you see. She helped me through it- my anxiety attack. She told me to let myself feel weak, feel it, invite it all in and to let it control me this time.

And so i did. I felt it all and let my tears wash all my worries away.

It felt good. I felt myself again.

[spillingthoughtsblog]

Just a short chapter.

It hurts to know that you don't really matter to the person anymore. Once lovers now feels like strangers. Being rejected hurts bad but at least he was honest about it. About him not wanting me as much as before. I could feel it slowly fading away, the closeness we once had feels so far away now, the giddiness of talking to each other vanished. Conversations limited to few words, dont really know whether to keep on going or not. His presence not felt for days and those days feels like years. The agony of waiting for a notification to pop up that says "Hey, I miss you." or just even a "How are you?" can brighten my day.

I don't know what I saw in you. It was only supposed to be a one time thing. I have no intention in letting you in, to see through me. To make you feel loved and cared. The thing that i hate about myself is how could i let someone break my wall like that. How could i easily let him in my reserved soul.

You're good. You're really good. You caught me in my weakest moment, showed me concern, made me feel that you were really there for me. Then all of a sudden, you got cold and distant, telling me that I should know that we will reach this point.

I just wish that those 2 months filled with love and bliss never happened. I just wish you didn't try to get close to me. I wish you never told me things that gave me hope.

I thought my walls were high enough. I guess it was obvious that you were just playing tricks, but the thing is i still let myself believe that you were sincere.

I should have never talked to you.

[spillingthoughtsblog]

lost and hopeless.

Living in another country. I got here because of a job and also to experience a new adventure. While young and have no mouths to feed yet, I want to experience working in another country and meet new people, I thought. But we all know that anything can happen with our lives and yes, the most unexpected thing happened, a global pandemic.

I then lost my job. I expected this would eventually happen to me and to many people around the world. The scariest thing is I'm in a foreign country with no family to physically help me out. Luckily, I have some friends and a special someone that are willing to give support and help me out during this overwhelming times. Although, I still can’t help but to feel so lonely and helpless. I'm having a hard time seeing what’s going to happen next and that is scary as fuck. Like you have no idea what actions you can take now. Maybe for now, all I can do is just survive. Keep fighting. Keep believing that everything will be over soon and everything will eventually fall into place. I just have to be really brave and strong. I should believe that I can handle this. But the truth is, I am fucking scared of the world. I don't have any idea who to trust and I know I shouldn’t trust anyone and that makes things even scarier.

The world is such a scary and cruel place.

I hope everything falls into place soon.

[spillingthoughtsblog]

On replay.

Do you ever have those moments when you can't stop thinking about someone and how memorable your time was together.

You kept thinking how warm their skin is against your skin.

How they hold your hand and gently stroke it with their finger.

How each touch makes your spine shiver, head dizzy and your eardrums feels like it's going to explode.

Conversations that are deep and personal that it makes your heart melt.

You remember how they smile and eyes flutter when they are happy.

How they make you laugh with their quirks and sarcastic jokes.

These thoughts that makes you just sit and stare at that void in front of you ignoring everything that moves and breathes.

Oh the ecstasy- wishing you could be with that person again.