tw: abusive relationships, cutting mention
it’s really nice having friends that don’t force me to do stuff. it’s really nice when they don’t make me feel like i’m nothing if i don’t obey their every whim. it’s really nice having actual boundaries with people and not having them crossed. it’s really nice not being constantly scared of saying or doing the wrong thing and getting yelled at for it. it’s really nice having people care about me without it being stifling, without them getting jealous and angry if i talk to anyone else.
it’s supposed to be nice.
it’s supposed to be nice.
it’s supposed to be nice.
so why do i want him back?
why do i want someone who does the opposite of everything that’s supposed to be good?
he abused me. i know that. i know that he didn’t actually love me, that it was just infatuation and wanting someone to control. every single conversation would end in an argument if i slightly disagreed with him on anything or if i just said the wrong thing. i don’t think i’ve ever cried more than when i was with him. why do i miss that? why do i miss crying at his feet, begging him not to leave me, promising to do whatever he wanted as long as he didn’t abandon me, literally cutting myself when i didn’t want to because he thought it was attractive, acting like everything was fine when it wasn’t because i didn’t want to call him out on anything, calling him out anyways and getting yelled at for hours about how it’s actually all my fault, my fault that he conditioned me to be dependent on him, my fault for annoying him, my fault for not updating him every 5 minutes if i ever dared to leave the house…
i still have every rule he set for me written down. still have the alarm for 6am every morning set. still have the reminder to go to sleep at 11pm every night set. i remember how he told me it was him being lenient, that he would always wake up at 4am, so really, he was letting me off easy. remember how he’d always keep me up until midnight or later anyways so i’d always fall asleep in my classes. having to send a good morning and a good night message every day at the exact time i’m supposed to or risk getting ignored all day. remember how i’d have to send him pictures every time i ate anything to make sure it was “healthy enough.” how he made me send pictures of my whole fridge so he could pick what was best for me. asking for permission to do anything—shower, eat, play a game, go outside.
he knew what he was doing. he knew he was making it so i could never do anything by myself. he did this to me. and now i’m stuck with the aftermath. without him i can’t do anything. doing anything feels like i’m breaking some rule. i used to be so much better. now i don’t know how to do anything anymore.
you ruined me forever, and i can’t even hate you for it. why can’t i stop loving you?
