A Humbly Humored Human

Hiya! I'm Ethan :) 23 years young. FTM. Forever soulbound to a lumberbug named Logan <3

[70sscifiart]

[mothcub]

[hitomimaii]

[stargazingpoetry]

[unregistered-hypercam2-deactiva]

[kissedbythevoid]

https://www.instagram.com/p/5nbgNGocBX/

[ps1]

[spoke-washington]

being poor suuuuuuucks man. I got paid a day late bc of the holiday and I’m behind on rent. theres like barely any food in my apartment, my phone service is off cause I gotta pay it... I’m just like distraught. I’m gonna be broke aall month until I catch up on rent. Why is rent so damn expensive? I work 30+ hours a week. I wish I could get full time but it’s not available where I’m at. And being trans makes everything worse cause I still need to finish legally changing my name which you guessed it... requires money and other resources I just don’t have right now. I’d feel much more comfy applying for jobs if all my documents matched  my actual identity. I want things to go more smoothly. I keep blaming myself but there’s only so much fighting you can do when everything’s stacked against you. This is a big ol sob story but I can’t sleep and don’t know where else to vent.

[autisticsprout]

skills include:

going to bathroom 2 hours after deciding to go to bathroom

staying awake all night for literally no reason

being on the ground

snack

[theglowpt2-deactivated20200101]

the inherently healing experience of having gay coworkers 

[demiiwhiffin]

[ingridbergman]

La planète sauvage (Fantastic Planet); 1973, dir. René Laloux

[spoke-washington]

AnXiOuS 😦

Can’t sleep.

Did that thing again where I could have handled something like an adult but didn’t.

My therapist has been pushing for me to finish legally changing my name on my ID’s and all that. She asked if part of the problem was transportation and I was like “yeah, well, kinda because Logan works opposite shifts to me and we share a car” But I mean, honestly, if I had even the resemblance of healthy sleeping habits, I could just wake up early enough to bring him to work and take the car myself. But instead of that, here’s what’s happened:

>therapist asks if I need transportation

>I say sorta

>therapist sets up transportation

>supposed to only be a service for people without vehicles (whoops already anxious! Because it’s not technically for me!)

>says someone will call me to set up a day to bring me to the social security office

>person calls me and just gives me a day and time (the next day, cool, I’m totally prepared. Let’s do it [not])

>I look up what documents I need to get a copy of my social security card

>needs birth certificate first which I’m waiting for in the mail (sweet, waste everyone’s time 2K19)

SO, now I’m too anxious to sleep because I have to call this total stranger tomorrow and hope it doesn’t ruin his day if I’m like “sorry don’t need the ride thanks anyway goodbye”

I’m just so anxious and worried and like UGH I wish my therapist never set this up but also it needs to get done I’m just NERVOUS. I hate it when I have to be *~*~*~publicly trans*~*~* Like I wish I could skip all this and just get to the part where my ID matches me and I’m legally allowed to exist.

Like realistically these are documents I should already have but I’ve given them to people to sort out my name change and never received them back so I now I need to jump through flaming hoops to get new documents with my old name to get new documents with my new name and I’m just UGH why.

This is why trans people just give up on existing like honestly it’d be easier to just become a hermit

[spoke-washington]

⬆️2️⃣🕒8️⃣

I really am the worst at first impressions Fucking hated my coworker at first cause he seemed like a dummy who couldn’t do anything right. But last night we were talking and I found out he’s also been hospitalized for psychiatric care multiple times. Like fam me too. We talked about it for a bit and like shit I was dead wrong about this kid. It’s nice talking to someone who understands how hard it is feeling so wrong all the time until finally you get the care you need and start that process to getting better. It’s still an ongoing process for me. I feel better mostly like I’m not hopelessly depressed or psychotic. Most of my issues now are mania and reckless spending. Also not taking care of myself well enough. There’s so much shit I sill have to improve on. Like self care, taking my meds consistently (including hormone injections), adopting better sleeping habits, keeping a clean non cluttered home, budgeting, eating less junk food, getting my name change done. Like homes I gotta get rollin here. I wanna eventually go back to school for business and culinary but like I gotta tighten the reigns on myself before I jump in. Like I’m lucky my relationship with Logan is good. I’m glad I’m not a pothead anymore. I’m glad I’m working hard at my job and getting raises and good hours. But I want more out of life. I wanna be my healthiest self and that takes a shit ton of work. No one can do it but me and like I’m gonna get there but it’s gonna take a lil bit. Taking little steps but eventually imma be IT! 👍👍👍👍

[ameriqan]

my IQ test results were negative

[kevinlucbert]

Méditation #3

21 x 29,7cm, inkon paper, Kevin Lucbert, 2019.

[hextina]

evolution of moods 1-3am