Stressed, Proud, and Dying. (Well, at least my ego is.)
I don't know who else to talk to right now.
So when in doubt blog, right?
Today when my mom was freaking out, I was just standing in the kitchen and had the most unappealing realization of how honestly stressed out I really am, and how unhealthy it really is.
It was like an out of body experience.
I just realized how completely stressed out I am. I mean, I know my stress level is at a very high resting rate on average.
I mean, I'm one of those people in constant panic mode, never completely relaxed even if I look all peachy on the outside....It's better that way. I'm fine with that.
But lately I've had so many people telling me to be calm, to stop apologizing for everything. That I don't have to be so stressed and panicked all the time.
Honestly, I know everyone is just trying to help me be okay, become a "better person" or whatever but...I don't know..
I'm in my last math class for life and I don't understand a damn thing this guys is teaching us. He's an awful professor. I keep thinking that if i don't pass I'll have to retake it and it might mess with my transfer to university next fall.
My mom is moving across the country and left me to find a place to live. Ya know, that's okay, I'm an adult, I can do this...
[So this family at my church is willing to bring me in which is wonderful because they're lovely and laid back and....even though i barely know them they're so sweet. I'm meeting the whole family tomorrow to talk.]
But I realize why I am the way I am. I've been conditioned to be this way.
Constant apologizing was the only way to keep peace in my house growing up, this is something I learned at a young age.
I was so desperate to keep the peace and make my mom happy that i would even apologize when my sister upset her, or my dad, or a random person on the street.
Today she got pissed because she lost a copy of a key to a storage unit (we have the other one) and she just broke down completely. All of a sudden the rice crispy treat I had started nervously eating tasted so much better.
I don't know what to do. The doctor said my blood pressure is great, and I'm not over weight or anything, but I'm always panicked and stressed and now I have to keep myself in check before I start stress eating which leads to body hating and...ugh
My skin is looking awful. i feel sick all the time. My back spasms are getting worse, happening longer. According to the doctor this is all from stress. I've been having the last 2 issues since the 8th grade. I've been stressed out of my mind since i was 13. I am almost 21.
I know Aaron loves me, and he's been really good at being there for me. But even he is getting to a point where I am so stressed all the time and it is starting to get to him.
I found out that he started making up a bunch of funny stories about his day and stuff just to make me feel better. It's sweet, but at the same time it makes me feel awful.
I feel like such a burden on everyone.
On Aaron for always having to put up with me and hold my hand.
On the family that's taking me in.
On everyone I ever talk to about my situation about my mom.
I don't want anyone's help anymore. I feel like I'm this vacuum of "help me", "poor me", and handouts.
If one more person covers some cost for me, I'll implode. Not because I'm ungrateful, but because I am too damn proud and my ego can't handle this anymore.