A Sporadic Light In A World of Predicted Darkness

Brooke. Married. Chicago. Fur baby. 23. Coffee.

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It’s super great when you reach that point in your life where you can look at his social media profiles and go, “Wow, it doesn’t hurt anymore.”

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Week 01: “What’s the meaning of life Siri?..” “I give up.”

Ah, that snarky little hand-held machine that gives you no-where answers about the largest question in the world. It started first as a game. I would ask her questions about “What is the meaning of life?” and she’d answer with things like: “It’s a movie”, or “Life is defined as....” My absolute favorite answer though, was when I asked the question for the second time, and she responded: I give up. I give up?! But SIRI, you mustn’t give up!.... Except, I am thinking on giving up right now. Not on life, I am perfectly content with the life I live, and would even say my life is great. However, I am every bit as willing to give up writing this blog post, or finishing that book I started, or not finishing the laundry I threw into the wash an hour ago.  You see, when I saw Siri say, “I give up,” I resonated with her. Ever since I got married and moved into this apartment, I haven’t quite felt the same motivation to do stuff as I had before. I was a real self-starter in college. Motivated by good grades, success, and completing tasks to prove that I really could have it all. Now, I come home from working an 8-hour day, and I’m exhausted, have no energy to work out, and honestly don’t feel like finishing anything. I don’t even feel like finishing this blog post, I’d rather it sit in my draft folder for me to ‘do later’.

Except, ‘later’ rarely comes around, and when it does, its weeks later, or way past a reasonable time to be ‘later’. It has gotten to the point where my husband says I am the new Brie around the house. (A long running joke in the family where Brie is always making messes and never cleaning up.) So what is at the root of this abysmal cycle? After some soul searching and evaluation, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s really a quarter-life crisis. It’s a new thing I made up for us Millennial’s who can’t decide what they want to do with their life, and act out totally irrationally based on either fear or passion. this crisis is stemming from a burI am constantly being dragged down by the idea in my head that says “why aren’t you doing what you love?!” or “Why aren’t you trying new things anymore?”  I’ve been going through a lot of transitional stages in life over the past six months, and honestly, it’s one of the toughest things I’ve been through. I’m thankful to have a great family to lift my spirits when I’m down, and a husband who is quite literally, the best. However, I do still get sad sometimes, and just feel overall lonely in my daily life. One way that helps me feel better, as much as I don’t want to finish, is writing this very blog post. Also, reading, and watching engaging television. 

So my way of therapeutically saving myself from impending doom and self-implosion, is to really make an effort to make this a weekly blog/rant thing. I know for years on every January 1 I say “I should really do the whole ‘Picture a day for a year’ thing since you really see how you evolve over a twelve month period” --- because, let’s face it, it IS colt see yourself changing over time.

Instead of a daily thing (commit-a-phobe here at your service), I’ve decided to commit to a weekly blog post, not only to hone my rusty writing skills, but just engage with the inter web people around me in an intimate way. This should be an interesting adventure.

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5 life-changing realizations that happened to me in 2015

As 2015 came to a close, I reflected on my life like every year I have done prior. I no longer do new year’s resolutions, because my lack of motivation after a few weeks means I’m never going to actually achieve it. Instead, I like to focus on the year in review, and highlight the good, the great, and the downright nasty. 

1. 2015 was a year of transition. While I am no stranger to change, and often embrace it with open arms, this year was one of the most difficult and messy transition periods of my life. It brought great discomfort along with some of the happiest spouts of joy. This year, I traveled more than I ever have at any other point in time, and got to experience the true horrors of being stuck in a country for days in limbo. I got to meet some wonderful new faces, and say goodbye to old friends who I hold dearly. I got to marry my best friend, and find out the hard way how different we really are on a daily basis. All these wonderful, messy, and necessary experiences became my new normal. For someone who readily accepts change like greeting an old friend, I will say that they were some of the most challenging points of my life.

2. 2015 was the year I got married. Speaking of being with my best friend, I got married this year! How great it finally was to reach my day in history where it was about me. Only me. and him. Our day. Our big day. You only get one big day. No matter what anyone says, there will never be a time where hundreds of your favorite people will gather around and celebrate YOU! This feeling was both equal parts cool and terrifying. I got to spend the day with my big hero, and scary because I wanted it to be just perfect for the both of us and did not expectations to fail being met. Luckily, I am pretty easy going, and the day ended up being as magical and beautiful as a wedding could be. After the dress came off, and the makeup was gone, and we returned from our equally gorgeous honeymoon, I realized that marriage was normal. It felt like this is what we were supposed to me doing the whole time, and it felt great to finally be with him, unseparated by time or space.

3. 2015 was the year I jump-started my love for the arts again. I have been quite lucky over the years to see many live bands and concerts, and have been known for reading 100 novels a year. When I was in high school, I was heavily involved in the local music scene, and even wrote for Crescendo Magazine, a local music write-up. I even debated at one point to go into the music industry as a producer, or sound engineer, or roadie. I attended concerts two or three times a month, and all of my small paychecks from my part-time job made me rich in rhythm as I happily made my mother drive me to the city to see another concert at the House of Blues. Those days soon ended once I was in college full time, and needed to pay for other expenses in my life. For years, I didn’t attend a single concert, and even stopped listening to music altogether, for fear the music scene I loved had changed. Coincidentally, many of my favorite artists also decided that 2015 would the year of musical comeback, and decided to tour again. I got to see seven shows this year ---- many of which I have waited YEARS to see again (thank you, Sufjan and Bill Beckett!) Along with the dissapearance of music, soon came the dissapearance of reading. Novels which I so lovingly admired like an old friend was quickly replaced with college textbooks and research articles for the next years of my life. Thankfully, those years are over, and I can return to the wizarding world of Harry Potter at my own leisure.

4. 2015 was the year I found out the real world actually sucks. The months preceding graduation usually look like this: I can’t wait to graduate and actually live real life, that’s when the REAL fun begins! Then I won’t have to deal with college drama anymore. Not so, my friends.  In fact, if I could go back to pre-graduation Brooke, i would tell her to shut the hell up and live each day in college like it was a flipping party. College was as easy as life gets, and even though there are some serious issues you have to work through as a college student (aka, self-actualization), college is a comfortable medium of adult privileges and childhood welfare. Once the hassle was moved to the right, and the cap was tossed, real life set in, and let me tell you, finding a job after graduation was one of the most difficult and heart breaking things you will ever have to do. It sucks when you find out that entry level jobs start at $30,000 yearly. It sucks even more when you find out what the cost of living is, and you wonder how you will ever make it in this world. After graduating cum laude with enough legitimate work experience on a resume to one up a 5 year post-grad student, it still took me over three months to find a full-time position, and it wasn’t even remotely in my field of study.

5. 2015 was the year I realized I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life. Since I started NIU, I knew that my heart would always be in the nonprofit sector. I knew I wanted to work for an organization with a purpose, and advance myself for the benefits of others. Once I got out to the real world (see point 4), and started working full-time in the real world, I realized I actually had no idea what it was that I wanted to do for the rest of my life. A big part of this was the fact that in my current role, I work with different job markets on a daily basis, and this opened up a whole new outlook on employment. While my long term desire is to open up my own non-profit (I’m holding you to our partnership, Cody), what I do in between this time and that time is a complete blur. I think its also important to note that as a self-defined ENFP, the curse of “too many choices” is the biggest contributor to my indecisiveness.

While nothing can quite comfare to your first taste of freedom, or your marriage, I expect 2016 to be the year of great surprises. Real life has started, which means life is now unscripted.  I traveled more than I ever have in 2015, I met more fantastic people, and got to experience some really awesome adventures. Here’s to another year that will as equally exciting as the last.

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http://youtu.be/nsMCb20zueY Turntable Tuesday. Matt & Kim - Get It. This is my "get up, get fit, get loud" song. Whenever I need motivation, a pick me up, or I just feel invincible, I rock out to this song.

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Thoughts on the new Harper Lee novel

I just finished listening to chapter one of Harper Lee’s new novel that has been in the works for over half a century. Go Set a Watchman is a novel about Scout Finch as an adult, traveling back to her hometown of Macomb, Alabama, and peering through the life of her decaying father, Atticus Finch. 

After elusively listening to the first chapter, narrated by Reese Witherspoon, I was stunned by the simplicity of the writing, and the odd set scenes within the first chapter.

As a note, this novel was completed before To Kill a Mockingbird was written. Many of the characters and outline of Go Set a Watchman were “borrowed” and recreated to present a softer side in To Kill A Mockingbird.

What makes me most excited about this novel is the third person narration, which provides the audience with a broader viewpoint of the story than just from the mind set of Jean-Louise (Scout) Finch. In this novel, she is called Jean Louise --- her given name, now more mature and feminine. Jean Louise is still the spry whipper-snapper that she is remembered as in Mockingbird, with a feministic attitude and an independent spirit.

The first chapter does a phenomenal job of fleshing out character development. While I would have loved to see deeper development of the ailing Atticus, development of the secondary characters, like Jean Louise’s lover, Henry Clinton, set the scene for a character-driven adventure. 

However, the novel’s first chapter has its downfalls, including a whopping discovery about the beloved Jem Finch. I felt the novel haphazardly acknowledged the brother of Scout Finch in a lackadaisical manner without much explanation. My hope is that there is deeper understanding surrounding Jem Finch later on in the novel.

While I am completely estatic for the novel to come out, I do think the timing is precarious. Race relations in America are at a delicate balance, much like the time of the novel’s inception. My hope is that the novel will feature dialogue that is still applicable, and raise critical questions about how we treat others different than ourselves.

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Five things I wish I would’ve said to Five People.

You are special, unique, worthy, wanted, and loved. I wish you could see it in yourself as I see it in you.

I lied when I told you I was sick and didn’t want to go out. Truth was, I didn’t want to go out because I would have rather sat in my room and skyped my boyfriend. I don’t know why I lied, I’m sorry.

I wish you would have asked me to dance with you one more time.

Thanks for convincing me to play guitar again. 

I’m more sad because you wasted away the life you had.

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#Turntabletuesday

“Intro” - The xx’s

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I need to get back into blogging. I have no job, and I am sitting around all day sleeping, when I should be doing creative, productive things. I must change.

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I completely forgot about this weeks Turntable Tuesday. I feel so unaccomplished this week D: This sassy title is the Decemberists "July, July!" And since Tuesday marks the first of July, I thought it would be appropriate to make it this weeks pick :) "And I say your uncle was a crooked french canadian And he was gut-shot running gin And how his guts were all suspended in his fingers and how he held 'em How he held 'em held, 'em in July, July. Never seemed so strange..."

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People Always Leave. (2005)

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This people represents two things to me. One: it was originally a very terrible piece of work. Coming from someone who reads a lot, I understand why the author blocked out most of the lettering from the original page. Two: on the other hand, the author is kind of a genius. Backstory time. This work of prose was originally written to three pages. It expounded on the authors' feelings of love, lust, despair, and anguish; however, the author didn't like what he had written, so he took a marker and blocked out all the sentences he didn't like. The end product is the picture you see here, and the author said it perfectly summed up his feelings in fewer words than he felt.

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To you

I just want you to know that you are special, and you've made a fantastic impression on me. Once you are out, you are gonna go far with your life, and I can't wait to see how you evolve. You have shown me so much in so little time, and I know I'm leaving soon. But I want you to know that you are the most important person to me here. You are good, kind, thoughtful, informative, funny, attractive, and insightful. You may never read this, but I just want you to know that I do care about you. And think you just one hell of a "n individual. That's all. I'm just too shy to say it in person.

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Travel Bucket List: Addendum

Ireland - The land of my people/to kiss the Blarney Stone

Prague, Czech Republic - The other half of my people.

New Zealand - For an epic Lord of the Rings trip through the Shire/Middle Earth.

Tanzania - For an African safari 

SoCal - Just because

Amsterdam - To visit the Anne Frank House

Barcelona - Because, The Cheetah Girls made it look fabulous.

London - To see the Queen, and the new princess.

Crete, Greece - Because Greece is just beautiful.

Fairbanks, Alaska - To visit the Chris McCandless bus. Also, Bears.

Iceland - Northern Lights.

Israel - The Land of my Lord, and my soul. I want to find a piece of myself there and find a deeper understanding of my being.

Bethlehem, Palestine - The birth place of Jesus. And to be fair with Israel.

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Recently, I have become somewhat of a Tedtalks fanatic. I went to a TedX event at my university a few weeks ago, and had the beautiful pleasure of seeing some really amazing people both locally in Illinois, and from around the world. In between live talks, the TedX organizers showed three digital Tedtalks that related to undercover superheroes. While many would not pin Monica Lewinsky as a superhero, in her own right, she really is. I encourage you to watch the entire talk, and comment your thoughts about it.

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Ode to NIU: my very last day

It's been real NIU. For the past two years, I have called New Hall West my home. I have made friends, laughed by pants off, cried my eyes out, and puked until there was nothing left, (most of the time for actually being sick). But today I left "home" with hope and anticipation of my new exciting life post-graduation. To my friends - thank you for always being there for me. You have made me feel love and true warmth that many people yearn to attain in their lifetime. To my family - you all have never been anything but completely supportive in every step of my journey. Thank you for always believing I could do it. To Cory - for always driving out to NIU on the nights you were really tired. I love you for that, and I can't wait for our life together. To my professors who may never see this - some of you have been the absolute best inspirations to me in the past two years. I had no idea the direction life would take me coming to NIU. I look at some of you as true superheroes and mentors in my life. To all Huskies, young and old - keep up! Brace the cold, Weather the wind, enjoy the warm days, savor the hot days, live life enthusiastically, and never quit. Whether you think dekalb is terrible, or boring, or your community, dekalb is home, even for a short time. Also, eat the food, Fattys is the best food in town! Go NIU, and go HUSKIES! 🐾

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It is a night like this

Missing Paris tonight as I sip some of my Parisian wine.

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A Death and a Reincarnation

After many years on hiatus, and a recent surge to get myself back into the writing market, I have decided to rebrand myself and get back into the blogosphere.

With almost an entire two years separating me and my written thoughts, it is almost unfair how much has happened since last I blogged solely about my musings.

I am getting married. I am deploying. I am finally finishing my bachelor’s degree. All things I could have only dreamed about years ago, and now within a few months, I will have.

With all these anticipated life changes, I figured that I should continue to write about my experiences. Largely, my biggest regret in college was not writing down some of the little things that I could look back on later in life. In retrospect, I am satisfied with the life I have lived this far, and I am blessed that I can now start blogging about my experience again with just a few short weeks left of my college lifestyle.

I don’t want to let the spontaneity of my life to hinder my cataloging of it, and finding the balance of both will really be a great challenge that I will be excited to face.

To death of an era where 3 am was a normal bedtime. To death of a social scene where I was always surrounded by people, whether I liked them or not. To death of a time where drinking until you puked was a game to see how wasted you could really get.

I am excited to rebirth the blog I started as a high schooler all those years ago. I want my kids to look back on this some day and see all the dumb stuff I blogged about, and all the transitional life changes I endured, especially with their father by my side.

Here is to the reincarnation of Sporadic Light. I’m ready, I am.