Spring Dragon @springbridedragon - Tumblr Blog

"Early mornings, spent in the embrace of the person you treasure the most."

It's a weird time.

I should start with my step-dad died, and we found that out November 11, but he'd been sitting in his truck for 4 days. And in a strange manner, I have been grieving, but trying to figure out why exactly. Well, he had been my source of terror for a good chunk of my life. Age 8-18. Not every day, of course. Up until my first sibling, he was nice, taught me things, and we had fun- like skating or fishing. My own dad was MIA mostly. I won't do an itemized list but, after J was born and they all kinda fell apart, I took on a caregiver role but simultaneously had a target on my back. I couldn't do anything right, he would watch for my mistakes. To this day I feel safest in the dark, afraid my facial expression would trigger a reaction. One of the worst things though; was the love bombing. He would give a hint of approval and I would do anything to get it. Even stand for hours and let him tell me how I was wrong in every manner. The only good times we seemed to have was when he cleared up from the oxy and we talked about history, aliens, horror movies.

After S was born and I was a teenager, and he had a 2nd back surgery where his addiction got worse, the sexual/miscellaneous abuse increased and I was no longer interested in preserving our relationship and I stopped calling him dad. After a few years and I was with my now husband I felt brave enough to try again. We had one or two good episodes before he got hooked on something else and my siblings pulled away from him. And then it was maybe 2 years ago we interacted for the last time and I was working through my trauma and no longer wanted so see him- it enraged me that my mom stayed married and continued to help him. That's another post.

Fast forward to November 11, the sheriff came to tell us. And a couple days ago I went with J to say goodbye. I cried pretty hard. But by then I understood why. I would never get a confrontation, or apology (not that I really expected one) or just acknowledgement. All I would ever have is this trauma I'm working on releasing. And the what could have beens, or the parent he could have been. And I just feel so sad for how he had to go. Alone in his truck, no contact with anyone. Like man, it never had to be like this.

Anyway aside from that, there's drama between my siblings and my moms health is suffering. Feels like my family is very distant. Like icebergs far apart in the sea. S is determined to split away from J over some issue with S husband talking shit. I am not fond of him either and mad at S because this is absolutely the worst time. And my best friend lives 5 minutes from me but barely contacts me- i reached out needing connection and she was dismissive. We are supposed to have friends giving on Thursday but i am not sure i can let my guard down with them anymore. Also I've gone clean from Facebook, finally not missing it. Reading up on digital minimalism and focusing on learning and separation from my phone app by app.

I know, it's a lot. I wondered if now is really the right time to cut off all my socials and friends on it as my birthday is in a couple weeks. But I'm plunging into the isolation anyway. Planning a snowy cabin trip with just me and hubs and doggo. I just want to continue moving forward for the betterment of my life. For health and making a little family and a lot of little adventures.

Hope my passport gets here soon.

#personal #tw abuse #death #dealing with grief #isolation #winter arc

penandinkprincess

bruh i used to hide out in the library in middle school during lunch to read because the lunchroom was overstimulating and i had so many bullies and so many issues with eating in front of people so i would just skip lunch and retreat into book time in the safety of the library, and one day the librarian came over and told me the library had started a new "lounge" for honors students in a little sideroom with comfy chairs where students could snack while they read if they want

and i was today years old when i realized i never saw a single other student in that little room that definitely held storage stuff before then and that the librarian absolutely made that up so i would have a safe space to read and be alone and eat in the library

It's my first day off Facebook. Honestly people are being intentionally triggering and I can't deal with that and the religious nutjobs. Next week, it's tiktok being uninstalled. As silly as it sounds, I'm looking forward to this 'winter arc' of living slow, unplugged and intentional. I will rely on tumblr again for the time being when I absolutely need scroll time. Aside from that, I want to devote time to the gym and modifying our little home for the winter.

#unpluggedlife #withdrawal #mental health