love is
reality aligned
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Keni
Alisa U Zemlji Chuda

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Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
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Cosimo Galluzzi

shark vs the universe

Love Begins
Monterey Bay Aquarium

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RMH
Claire Keane
we're not kids anymore.

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@sputnikandlaika
love is
reality aligned
birds
sometimes
it feels empty
and other times
it feels like the memory of us
fills me up to the brim
expanding
overflowing
sometimes
I am an empty nest
my baby bird of a love
is lying broken on the asphalt
othertimes
I am a cage
full of birds
and who knows what’s worse
or maybe
both are beautiful and that means
the same
psychoanalysis
I’ve reached so deep
fingers bent and buried
deep into myself
deep into the chaos
the drugs
the endless talks
cocaine-fuelled
ketamine-fuelled
depression-fuelled
and now therapy-fuelled
at last
I’m cleaning this mirror bit by bit
and keep seeing the most horrible things
not even things
thing
one thing
myself
vovchik (this poem was written before I fell in love with him)
another animal
another beast
bite marks on my
thighs
legs
arms
stomach
neck
the best sex I’ve ever had
this boy
is dead set on making me cum
again and again and again
Vova
shortened to Vovchik
translates as Wolf
and what a wolf he is
but that said
he’s one of the most unusual and incredible people I’ve ever met
drives a vintage bmw
talks about it for hours
shoots
fucks for hours on end
polygamous
but yet
so soft
not an ounce of toxic masculinity in this tall lean muscly body of his
so soft
so tender
and yet so hard
so oriented on you and your pleasure
making me want to suck his cock for hours in return
which never happens to me
a blow job is a job for good reason
but with Vova
i want to serve
this might be the worst poem I’ve ever written
it has no goal no structure no finesse
much like our relationship with Vova
but oh my god
what a relationship
we saw each other out on dates with other people the other day
he smiled at me devilishly
and pulled a silly face
I pulled one back and stuck my tongue out
and it didn’t change a thing
we fucked for 20 hours today
and will fuck again
until one of us breaks
but that’s fine
the best sex in my life so far is worth it
worth the break
worth the bruises
worth the bite marks
worth the dark circles under my eyes
and oh my god
what ease he has in life
if I’m like a long long vase
he’s a flat bowl
everything on the table
he doesn’t drink
he doesn’t do drugs
he goes to raves clean and dances through the night
why
just because
I love him so
volodymyr
ugh fine
I’ll write about you
a big one
in all senses
and yes this is a sex poem
but also
a love poem
and also
a sad poem
because I’m not sure our paths are
parallel
but
it’s so so good
so so so good
our sex
your smell
my moans
you came at such a low time of my life
you came and so did I
many times
and for so long that’s all it was
hours of pure hard sex
until something changed
in a heartbeat
I wasn’t using you anymore
I wasn’t just craving your big hard…
I fell in love
we went to Odesa
we kissed by the sea
timidly
ok maybe we didn’t even kiss…but we definitely hugged
but the moon shone on us and you pushed my head on your shoulder
and we walked the shoreline
and we slept
I felt at home
safe on your chest
oh and that time at the cinema
you smelt of sweat
and it was driving me mad
I wanted to drown in that smell of yours
when we came back to yours I burrowed my face in your armpit
a homecoming
but there’s no viability here sadly
it looks like it worked only when the proverbial elastic band
was tight
two polar opposites
me a silly girl
you a little bit crazy
that elastic band stretched between us tight
us both pulling away
the band pulling us inwards
but as soon as I took a step closer
to you
to your smell
to your tattoos on your chest
to your absurdly logical mind
to your devastatingly foreign pov
the band loosened
our bond loosened
and you took a step back
to tighten it? or to escape?
unsure
either way
I’m left standing here
at a loss
Vova
Volodymyr
the best name
and the worst
bedsheets
bedsheets smell like you
and strangely enough, so does that bottle of water that you drank out of when you stayed over
I’ll wash the bedsheets in the morning
but the bottle
well
I’ve tentatively set it aside for the time being
in a creepy way it’s like I’m kissing you
when I take small sips
kissing you!
we’ve kissed twice!
both times we were ridiculously high
both times we started giggling and stopped
and I don’t even want to kiss you
I want to kiss the idea of you
that platonic ghost that floated around me
a soft safe aura of non-committance
now gone
and oh how eloquently sad
nothing even happened
you are just you
aloof and living your separate life
everything happened in my head
I erased you, not the other way around
I erased you the moment I smelt you on my sheets
and inhaled
and gathered all the bed linen
all the pillows you laid on
and held them tight
this bizarre act of adoration
a statement of a mindset changed
became the reddest of flags
soaked in your perfume
in that moment
that soft and tender moment anyone else would call
love
I sat up
I threw the pillows on the floor
I archived our chat
I blasted the meanest playlist I could think of
and erased you
what else did I do?
I cyber stalked you all day
I got drunk
I sipped that bottle of water
I texted my fwb
I fucked my fwb
you saw me that night
just before curfew, walking angrily over to my date’s house
you texted me
you phoned me
I was curt
you said fine have a good night
it’s been weird all day
but it’s for the best
it’s all in my head it’s all in my head
you’re living your life
I’m living mine
separate
and I’ll wash my bedsheets
and I’ll empty that water bottle
soon
force quit
fucking evil god
so done with you
you’re such an asshole
satan would never pull this kinda shit
he’d be more elaborate and sexy
whilst you
you’re so fucking basic
floating around up there
thinking
ha! she’s says she doesn’t want anything from this boy? ha! stupid bitch I’ll show her
and bam!
I’m in love
with the most unavailable person on the planet
again
in love with the person who has told me directly
I don’t feel anything towards anyone
and I replied
neither do it
and god was like
fuck you no way you lying bitch of course you feel shit check this out
and bam!
well fuck you god
I’m not playing by your bullshit self righteous rules
I’m out
I’ll force quit all my fucking feelings
I already have
a bottle of wine
a bit of pacing around and shouting
done
I’m done
no more Eugene
no more love
I’m more than my feelings
I’m in control
I fucking live for control
my brain is just another fucking organ
I’m the master not the slave
gone
goodbye
my heart doesn’t skip anymore
when I see his text
force quit force quit force quit
fuck you god
fuck you Eugene
and fuck you my soft soft heart
ah
so so good
to be in control
each crush is easier
to crush
each crushed crush brings such a high
and I love being high
and I hate being in love
platonic
I can’t stop writing about him
I can’t stop thinking about him
I do not want anything from him
I do not want sex
I do not want a relationship
I do not want to see him every day
what is this then?
I want to sleep with him
I want our bodies close twice a week
I want to look at his face and his smile
I want to see what he’s wearing
I want to listen to what he’s listening to
I want to take a bath together again
so what is this?
eugene
a message after curfew
what’s up
wanna hang
him again
high
hi
I’m in bed
let’s hang another day
ok
but just thought I’d send you a text because you get it
the loneliness
fine
come over
he shows up
in a suit and tie
Dior belt
bottle of red
bag of coke
we hang
we listen to music
we talk
but not much
we do his coke
we do my mdma
we go to bed
I change in front of him
no sexual tension
like we’re siblings
we hold each other tight
two spoons
he touches my stomach
my thighs
my breasts
no tension
siamese twins
connected
same
coke boy
tinder match
spark spark spark
well dressed
well read
cute
handsome even
cocky
creative
army boy
dog
maison margiela
does drugs
dances
shoots a gun
fancies me
for a bit
up until I’m in his bed
says:
you’re the first girl I’ve brought home
after my break up
she was a model
she left the country
it’s so so hard
I am half naked
in his bed
silent
we kiss
we laugh
we almost cry
we fall asleep
entwined
it sounds romantic but it is not
it’s comic
it’s sad
we walk his dog in the morning
I say I have to go
I thank him
it was fun
we did coke
we walked in the snow
we smoked weed
we drank rum
we felt
broken
and apart
and funnily enough
this distance brought us close
not in a romantic way
no no no
we will never have a second date
no
but in a sad and profoundly human way
we united
and then once again
came apart
we saw each other other at a rave
a week later
hugged
he looked at me
uncomfortably
he shrugged and smiled
I smiled too
coke boy
dear sweet silly coke boy
hope you’ll be alright
obsession is good for you
we will never fall in love
we most likely will never even fuck
I am close to unfollowing him
I have already stopped kissing him hello
but hell
his walk
his clothes
his brown coat with the fur collar
his voice that’s a little too high
his questionable tattoo choices
his slim but soft body
boyish smile
the dark hairs running down from his stomach to his
his
his unavailability
his unavailability
is the hottest thing about him
it makes my thighs spasm
it makes me touch myself
makes me fuck his friends
the fact that I cannot have him
is the thing I love the most
alushta
he was a Jewish boy from Crimea
curly hair rosy cheeks
social worker standup comedian
soft yet hard yet sad yet funny
I bought him a pack of Kenyan coffee
with the last of my money
and shyly handed it over to him
at the beginning of our last date
he will never know that I ate canned tuna for dinner
because of him for a week
and stopped replying to him
because I thought he wasn’t into me
cloves
he took out a silver case
black cigarettes inside
cloves he says
gives me one
I inhale
they crackle
I peer into his face
a perfect silhouette
nose a little crooked
eyes blue
he clicks his lighter to light his cig
his face illuminated for a second
I am still
this love will never bloom
but the crackle of clove cigarettes
and that face
click click
I go home
and write two poems
tomorrow I will purchase a pack of
clove cigarettes
sucks
two weeks ago I went on a date
with a boy who has a living room set tattooed on his back
I swooned and fell in love
last Saturday I broke it off with a boy
he told me he loved me in the process
great timing pal
yesterday I drew three cows by the riverside
and matched with a 34 year old graffiti artist on tinder
seemed like kismet but we didn’t speak much
today I am seeing my ex
we will have pizza while he tells me about his dates
I won’t care much, and will keep checking my phone for the tattooed boy to DM me
but he won’t
fuck
I want someone to fuck me
until I loose consciousness
until I want to throw up
until I want my mum
I want someone to fuck me
like when I was in my very early twenties
and wanted tender love
but all I got was hard fucking
now I am older
and all I get is hard loving
dinner, flowers, candles, the whole shebang
a poem about boys
this isn’t a mean poem
this is a romantic poem
but also
this is a true poem
and maybe
a drunk one
(definitely)
so
the thesis is:
are all boys sad and predictable?
YES
have we cracked them?
‘we’ meaning ‘I’
‘I’ meaning the epitome of desperation and sadness
epitome of
an ultimate asshole
an asshole who has just discovered that all boys are the same
they are self conscious and worried about how they fuck you
and cook for you
and what music they play for you
and what clothes they buy
and what films they watch
do they impress you?
do they make you come?
do they make you swoon?
no?
yes! oh yes!
I lie, of course
because that’s all they have
who am I to take it away from them
I’m just a girl
who didn’t cum
who wasn’t impressed
and giggled a lot
a lot
a looooooot
and left in the middle of the night
even though it was past curfew
soft before the war
soft
yet again
feline
yet again
he had a habit of leaving Love Is gum in my pockets
in my bags
in my jackets
before the war
the first time I found one, I was spooked
at this alien object in my jacket pocket
just as I was spooked by him in my life
a product of a heart broken by another
a tinder date that never should have been
before the war
and yes he is soft
but just the right amount
because where his softness ends aggression does not begin
but rather a quiet resolution
in what’s right and what’s wrong
in me, I keep hoping
but that was before the war
before a cold heart put an end to new beginnings
to our beginning
and froze us all in limbo
I will see him in two weeks
peer into his feline face as hard as I can muster
and search for a future