How to Turn to Stone

A comprehensive guide to complete emotional petrification

[sputnikandlaika]

love is

reality aligned

[sputnikandlaika]

birds

sometimes

it feels empty

and other times

it feels like the memory of us

fills me up to the brim

expanding

overflowing

sometimes

I am an empty nest

my baby bird of a love

is lying broken on the asphalt

othertimes

I am a cage

full of birds

and who knows what’s worse

or maybe

both are beautiful and that means

the same

[sputnikandlaika]

psychoanalysis

I’ve reached so deep

fingers bent and buried

deep into myself

deep into the chaos

the drugs

the endless talks

cocaine-fuelled

ketamine-fuelled

depression-fuelled

and now therapy-fuelled

at last

I’m cleaning this mirror bit by bit

and keep seeing the most horrible things

not even things

thing

one thing

myself

[sputnikandlaika]

vovchik (this poem was written before I fell in love with him)

another animal

another beast

bite marks on my

thighs

legs

arms

stomach

neck

the best sex I’ve ever had

this boy

is dead set on making me cum

again and again and again

Vova

shortened to Vovchik

translates as Wolf

and what a wolf he is

but that said

he’s one of the most unusual and incredible people I’ve ever met

drives a vintage bmw

talks about it for hours

shoots

fucks for hours on end

polygamous

but yet

so soft

not an ounce of toxic masculinity in this tall lean muscly body of his

so soft

so tender

and yet so hard

so oriented on you and your pleasure

making me want to suck his cock for hours in return

which never happens to me

a blow job is a job for good reason

but with Vova

i want to serve

this might be the worst poem I’ve ever written

it has no goal no structure no finesse

much like our relationship with Vova

but oh my god

what a relationship

we saw each other out on dates with other people the other day

he smiled at me devilishly

and pulled a silly face

I pulled one back and stuck my tongue out

and it didn’t change a thing

we fucked for 20 hours today

and will fuck again

until one of us breaks

but that’s fine

the best sex in my life so far is worth it

worth the break

worth the bruises

worth the bite marks

worth the dark circles under my eyes

and oh my god

what ease he has in life

if I’m like a long long vase

he’s a flat bowl

everything on the table

he doesn’t drink

he doesn’t do drugs

he goes to raves clean and dances through the night

why

just because

I love him so

[sputnikandlaika]

volodymyr

ugh fine

I’ll write about you

a big one

in all senses

and yes this is a sex poem

but also

a love poem

and also

a sad poem

because I’m not sure our paths are

parallel

but

it’s so so good

so so so good

our sex

your smell

my moans

you came at such a low time of my life

you came and so did I

many times

and for so long that’s all it was

hours of pure hard sex

until something changed

in a heartbeat

I wasn’t using you anymore

I wasn’t just craving your big hard…

I fell in love

we went to Odesa

we kissed by the sea

timidly

ok maybe we didn’t even kiss…but we definitely hugged

but the moon shone on us and you pushed my head on your shoulder

and we walked the shoreline

and we slept

I felt at home

safe on your chest

oh and that time at the cinema

you smelt of sweat

and it was driving me mad

I wanted to drown in that smell of yours

when we came back to yours I burrowed my face in your armpit

a homecoming

but there’s no viability here sadly

it looks like it worked only when the proverbial elastic band

was tight

two polar opposites

me a silly girl

you a little bit crazy

that elastic band stretched between us tight

us both pulling away

the band pulling us inwards

but as soon as I took a step closer

to you

to your smell

to your tattoos on your chest

to your absurdly logical mind

to your devastatingly foreign pov

the band loosened

our bond loosened

and you took a step back

to tighten it? or to escape?

unsure

either way

I’m left standing here

at a loss

Vova

Volodymyr

the best name

and the worst

[sputnikandlaika]

bedsheets

bedsheets smell like you

and strangely enough, so does that bottle of water that you drank out of when you stayed over

I’ll wash the bedsheets in the morning

but the bottle

well

I’ve tentatively set it aside for the time being

in a creepy way it’s like I’m kissing you

when I take small sips

kissing you!

we’ve kissed twice!

both times we were ridiculously high

both times we started giggling and stopped

and I don’t even want to kiss you

I want to kiss the idea of you

that platonic ghost that floated around me

a soft safe aura of non-committance

now gone

and oh how eloquently sad

nothing even happened

you are just you

aloof and living your separate life

everything happened in my head

I erased you, not the other way around

I erased you the moment I smelt you on my sheets

and inhaled

and gathered all the bed linen

all the pillows you laid on

and held them tight

this bizarre act of adoration

a statement of a mindset changed

became the reddest of flags

soaked in your perfume

in that moment

that soft and tender moment anyone else would call

love

I sat up

I threw the pillows on the floor

I archived our chat

I blasted the meanest playlist I could think of

and erased you

what else did I do?

I cyber stalked you all day

I got drunk

I sipped that bottle of water

I texted my fwb

I fucked my fwb

you saw me that night

just before curfew, walking angrily over to my date’s house

you texted me

you phoned me

I was curt

you said fine have a good night

it’s been weird all day

but it’s for the best

it’s all in my head it’s all in my head

you’re living your life

I’m living mine

separate

and I’ll wash my bedsheets

and I’ll empty that water bottle

soon

[sputnikandlaika]

force quit

fucking evil god

so done with you

you’re such an asshole

satan would never pull this kinda shit

he’d be more elaborate and sexy

whilst you

you’re so fucking basic

floating around up there

thinking

ha! she’s says she doesn’t want anything from this boy? ha! stupid bitch I’ll show her

and bam!

I’m in love

with the most unavailable person on the planet

again

in love with the person who has told me directly

I don’t feel anything towards anyone

and I replied

neither do it

and god was like

fuck you no way you lying bitch of course you feel shit check this out

and bam!

well fuck you god

I’m not playing by your bullshit self righteous rules

I’m out

I’ll force quit all my fucking feelings

I already have

a bottle of wine

a bit of pacing around and shouting

done

I’m done

no more Eugene

no more love

I’m more than my feelings

I’m in control

I fucking live for control

my brain is just another fucking organ

I’m the master not the slave

gone

goodbye

my heart doesn’t skip anymore

when I see his text

force quit force quit force quit

fuck you god

fuck you Eugene

and fuck you my soft soft heart

ah

so so good

to be in control

each crush is easier

to crush

each crushed crush brings such a high

and I love being high

and I hate being in love

[sputnikandlaika]

platonic

I can’t stop writing about him

I can’t stop thinking about him

I do not want anything from him

I do not want sex

I do not want a relationship

I do not want to see him every day

what is this then?

I want to sleep with him

I want our bodies close twice a week

I want to look at his face and his smile

I want to see what he’s wearing

I want to listen to what he’s listening to

I want to take a bath together again

so what is this?

[sputnikandlaika]

eugene

a message after curfew

what’s up

wanna hang

him again

high

hi

I’m in bed

let’s hang another day

ok

but just thought I’d send you a text because you get it

the loneliness

fine

come over

he shows up

in a suit and tie

Dior belt

bottle of red

bag of coke

we hang

we listen to music

we talk

but not much

we do his coke

we do my mdma

we go to bed

I change in front of him

no sexual tension

like we’re siblings

we hold each other tight

two spoons

he touches my stomach

my thighs

my breasts

no tension

siamese twins

connected

same

[sputnikandlaika]

coke boy

tinder match

spark spark spark

well dressed

well read

cute

handsome even

cocky

creative

army boy

dog

maison margiela

does drugs

dances

shoots a gun

fancies me

for a bit

up until I’m in his bed

says:

you’re the first girl I’ve brought home

after my break up

she was a model

she left the country

it’s so so hard

I am half naked

in his bed

silent

we kiss

we laugh

we almost cry

we fall asleep

entwined

it sounds romantic but it is not

it’s comic

it’s sad

we walk his dog in the morning

I say I have to go

I thank him

it was fun

we did coke

we walked in the snow

we smoked weed

we drank rum

we felt

broken

and apart

and funnily enough

this distance brought us close

not in a romantic way

no no no

we will never have a second date

no

but in a sad and profoundly human way

we united

and then once again

came apart

we saw each other other at a rave

a week later

hugged

he looked at me

uncomfortably

he shrugged and smiled

I smiled too

coke boy

dear sweet silly coke boy

hope you’ll be alright

[sputnikandlaika]

obsession is good for you

we will never fall in love

we most likely will never even fuck

I am close to unfollowing him

I have already stopped kissing him hello

but hell

his walk

his clothes

his brown coat with the fur collar

his voice that’s a little too high

his questionable tattoo choices

his slim but soft body

boyish smile

the dark hairs running down from his stomach to his

his

his unavailability

his unavailability

is the hottest thing about him

it makes my thighs spasm

it makes me touch myself

makes me fuck his friends

the fact that I cannot have him

is the thing I love the most

[sputnikandlaika]

alushta

he was a Jewish boy from Crimea

curly hair rosy cheeks

social worker standup comedian

soft yet hard yet sad yet funny

I bought him a pack of Kenyan coffee

with the last of my money

and shyly handed it over to him

at the beginning of our last date

he will never know that I ate canned tuna for dinner

because of him for a week

and stopped replying to him

because I thought he wasn’t into me

[sputnikandlaika]

cloves

he took out a silver case

black cigarettes inside

cloves he says

gives me one

I inhale

they crackle

I peer into his face

a perfect silhouette

nose a little crooked

eyes blue

he clicks his lighter to light his cig

his face illuminated for a second

I am still

this love will never bloom

but the crackle of clove cigarettes

and that face

click click

I go home

and write two poems

tomorrow I will purchase a pack of

clove cigarettes

[sputnikandlaika]

sucks

two weeks ago I went on a date

with a boy who has a living room set tattooed on his back

I swooned and fell in love

last Saturday I broke it off with a boy

he told me he loved me in the process

great timing pal

yesterday I drew three cows by the riverside

and matched with a 34 year old graffiti artist on tinder

seemed like kismet but we didn’t speak much

today I am seeing my ex

we will have pizza while he tells me about his dates

I won’t care much, and will keep checking my phone for the tattooed boy to DM me

but he won’t

[sputnikandlaika]

fuck

I want someone to fuck me

until I loose consciousness

until I want to throw up

until I want my mum

I want someone to fuck me

like when I was in my very early twenties

and wanted tender love

but all I got was hard fucking

now I am older

and all I get is hard loving

dinner, flowers, candles, the whole shebang

[sputnikandlaika]

a poem about boys

this isn’t a mean poem

this is a romantic poem

but also

this is a true poem

and maybe

a drunk one

(definitely)

so

the thesis is:

are all boys sad and predictable?

YES

have we cracked them?

‘we’ meaning ‘I’

‘I’ meaning the epitome of desperation and sadness

epitome of

an ultimate asshole

an asshole who has just discovered that all boys are the same

they are self conscious and worried about how they fuck you

and cook for you

and what music they play for you

and what clothes they buy

and what films they watch

do they impress you?

do they make you come?

do they make you swoon?

no?

yes! oh yes!

I lie, of course

because that’s all they have

who am I to take it away from them

I’m just a girl

who didn’t cum

who wasn’t impressed

and giggled a lot

a lot

a looooooot

and left in the middle of the night

even though it was past curfew

[sputnikandlaika]

soft before the war

soft

yet again

feline

yet again

he had a habit of leaving Love Is gum in my pockets

in my bags

in my jackets

before the war

the first time I found one, I was spooked

at this alien object in my jacket pocket

just as I was spooked by him in my life

a product of a heart broken by another

a tinder date that never should have been

before the war

and yes he is soft

but just the right amount

because where his softness ends aggression does not begin

but rather a quiet resolution

in what’s right and what’s wrong

in me, I keep hoping

but that was before the war

before a cold heart put an end to new beginnings

to our beginning

and froze us all in limbo

I will see him in two weeks

peer into his feline face as hard as I can muster

and search for a future