A/N: Its been a year (and some change I think). For my friend's Birthday, I decided to come out of writing retirement (or hiatus, I guess) and write an Angsty Transformers Fic with her Favorite G1 characters. She told me to post it, so I might as well give it a try. I will also be making a Part 2 to the "So That's Where You Are" Mando fic as well at some point.
Warnings: Alternative reality, Possible OOC Jetfire, Possible OOC Starscream, Angst, Kind of Vague timeline, No/Minimal comfort, Not a Reader Insert, Read at Your Own Discretion.
Let me know If I missed anything! Enjoy!
Summary: Starscream wakes up in a place he only ever sees in his "dreams", in the presence of his beloved Jetfire, whom he'd lost a long time ago. This is meant to be written as a series, so this is Part One.
Shocks.
Small, indiscriminate shocks are the first thing that brought him back from the seemingly endless void he fell into what feels like an eternity ago. They started small at first, almost inconsequential. But the more he indulged in the feeling of finally being completely numb, finally being rid of all kinds of pain minus the slightly uncomfortable shocks, they grew. More and more of them began to move from the tips of his digits, to the base of his servos. Then from his servos, they spread to his forearms, growing stronger as they went. Suddenly, Starscream found himself missing the feeling of nothingness that briefly embraced him. The contrast to the countless solarcycles he spent feeling and discovering new forms of pain to varying degrees left him aching at first, but he soon grew to indulge in it. The more the feeling faded, the more he longed for it. But as the shocks spread and grow in size, he starts to remember that feeling nothingness would mean being offlined. Something he wouldn’t actively crave, but wouldn’t mind all the same.
The amplifying shocks moved closer to his chassis, threatening to reach his spark, suddenly reversing the thoughts he had on offlining. Before he could begin to fight them, his optics began to clear, he began to feel the ground beneath his pedes, the shocks dulled into quiet lingering touches, and all his cables regained the feeling they never should have lost. Thoughts now focused solely on surveying every feeling of his body and making sure every piece of him was present and accounted for. Though his optics were open, Starscream failed to survey his surroundings. His Processor was focused on the aches and pains, or rather the lack of. Every ache from past injuries he collected like medals, every scar that would randomly throb, every modification that slightly altered his posture was just gone. Countless reminders of the endless fights and deactivations he endured had simply vanished, only leaving his memory as evidence of each occurrence. Through his confusion, his audio receptors picked up a symphony of sounds he only knows now from the times his processor starts reviewing his memory files during recalibration.
The Laboratory. His Laboratory. The one he abandoned all those cycles ago. Only then does Starscream focus his optics on what’s in front of him. All of his instruments, all of the research on Earth he’d long since abandoned, all the things he left behind eons ago, all in front of him as if he had never left. As if he had never joined the Cybertron War Academy, as if he hadn’t done any of the monstrous things he’d grown numb to. As if he’d never gone to Earth in the first place. Earth. The final resting place of so many comrades, friends, and enemies alike. The final resting place of the one bot he regret ever hurting. The one bot he happily shared his lab with as well as his spark.
“My Star?”
He froze. That voice. That name. How he longed to hear that voice call him that for so long. He wasn’t sure he would ever hear it again. Convinced it wasn’t real anymore. Convinced he destroyed it.
“I don’t like where things left off yesterday.”
It wasn’t real… Was it? Somehow his body began to move without him willing it to. The instinct to know if it was real taking over instead. It felt like each small shift took an eternity, so much effort feeling so weightless at the same time. Burdened but determined. Determined but unprepared. The moment Starscream’s optics landed on the familiar frame of the bot he loved and mourned for so long, whatever strength he had left vanished.
“I shouldn’t have questioned you. I was wrong to. I was hurting but I shouldn’t have taken it out on you…"
Jetfire’s voice began to sound more and more distant. How was he here? How was he here? Back in this lab, in the life he left behind all those eons ago. He began focusing on Jetfire’s faceplate as he continued to speak. Every curve of his faceplate, every movement his optical ridges made, the way his dermas moved as he spoke, the feeling hidden behind his optics. It was as if Starscream was memorizing every inch of his faceplate all over again. As if it was the first time he realized he wanted to stay by his side until their sparks faded away together. It made him collapse. Falling to his knee-joints, finally allowing himself to wail in mixture of relief and despair. The lubricant that gathered in his optics since the realization of where he was finally spilling over, realising every feeling that followed the nothingness a part of him still craved.
“Oh my Star!”
The moment Starscream hit the ground, Jetfire rushed to his side, clutching on to him with every ounce of care he had. Starscream collapsed further upon feeling his beloved’s arms cradling him. Almost shielding him from all the hurt and turmoil he experienced all this time. Looking back up at Jetfire’s faceplate, Starscream began to involuntarily spew out apologies. Sorry for hurting you. Sorry for leaving all this behind. Sorry for wanting more than this. Sorry for everything. The words came out so fast and so gently that almost none of them were discernible. Just the pained sounds of his regret easing into the heavy atmosphere. Every mistake he’s ever made flooded into his spark, only being released through the still flowing lubricant that now stained his faceplate and pooled onto the floor. His servos slowly reached up to Jetfire’s faceplate, holding him softly as his voice died down further. Jetfire’s voice cut through his pained sounds, offering comfort that slowly diminished the pained tension surrounding them.
“It’s ok, my Star. I’m here. You’re safe. We’re ok.” Jetfire pulled Starscream further into his embrace, allowing him to melt into his chassis. Suddenly everything that happened outside of this room, every angry word or bitter insult from the previous solar cycle didn’t matter anymore. It was just them. And a creeping feeling in the back of Starscream’s processor told him this wasn’t real. This isn’t what he deserved. Not after giving up on him. Not after leaving him to die on Earth. Not after abandoning everything they shared just to be second in command to the monster that corrupted him further and further with every passing cycle. Not after allowing himself to become the monster that left all of this behind. It was too good for him, too good to be real. “This isn’t real,” he whispers. “None of this is. None of this is real.”
“Of course it is, my spark. I’m here with you in our lab. Our Home. In the life we share,” Jetfire soothes. “This right here is real.” He pulls away gently, moving his servo to Starscream’s chassis, resting just above his spark chamber. “This beating spark of yours is real. It feels, it hurts, but above all, it loves. And that is real.” Starscream looks down to where Jetfire placed his servo. How he longed to keep it there forever. But it’s short-lived. Jetfire goes to hold Starscream’s faceplate, gently moving it to face him again. “I will always be here to remind you of it, my conjux.”
Conjux.
That word.
The one word he never used with its full meaning.
The one that haunted him from the moment he lost Jetfire in the storm. His biggest regret. His worst regret. The thing that cemented those whispers Jetfire’s arms couldn’t shield him from. His suspicion was confirmed and for once in his far too long life he didn’t want to be right. He knew from the start that none of this could be real. None of this was possible for him. Not anymore. But for once, he wanted to let the soft spoken words and impossible promises Jetfire made be true. His conjux. His lab. His life before the war. None of that was truly his. None of it could be kept. Not without being selfish. As tempting as it was to follow his instincts and act upon the same selfishness that had saved him--mostly--time and time again, he couldn’t. It wouldn’t be fair to Jetfire. He had to go back to his own reality. To his torment. To the misery and slaughter he became accustomed to, thrived in. To the agonizing reality of knowing he had lost the one bot that loved him more than anything in any reality. The one that knew who he was before all the violence and pain he’d inflicted. But maybe he didn’t have to lose him again. Maybe he was there for a reason. Maybe after all he endured, this was his chance to become the bot Jetfire wanted him to be. The bot he wanted to be for him. Though there was one burning question that stung his spark more than the shocks ever could.
“Would he still accept me as his conjux after he learns what I’ve become?”
A gladiators vow...
I've spent 10,5 hrs on this piece, I feel like a part of me has been ripped out now that it's done. I really hope you enjoy it my sweet sweet tumblr people.
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