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I'm so glad earphones exist because talking to yourself in public got easier.

Most people I have on Facebook are people I haven't seen in person since the time I added them on Facebook.

I've gotten laid because of Aziz Ansari.

I've gotten laid because of Aziz Ansari. Since Parks and Recreation, his book Modern Romance, his comedy specials, and his fantastic TV show -Master Of None, my job of impressing and connecting with women was made so much easier. Women knew his stuff and saw his Indian face, which made me more accessible now. I've used his stuff as a jumping off for conversations on dates to appear to be so smart and introspective like him. And it's worked! But now, after what has come out, I don't know what's going to happen. Will it become harder for me now? How am I going to get affected? I made this whole thing about me.

REVENGE

I write the word "REVENGE" with a sharpie on all my ice cream so my mom always knows how to serve it the best way possible.

#revenge #cold #revenge is best served cold #funny #funny one liner #humor

I enjoy not complimenting!

I will sometimes not compliment someone on something small because I don't want the same polite compliment reciprocated back to me. Because I can't respond to that authentically. I won't say, " hey that's a pretty dress" because they will most likely say, " Thanks. That's a nice shirt (or dress)" because they're being nice. Like, I could make someone's day by complimenting them, but I rid them of that joy because it would make ME feel awkward...Also, because I like to play God.

#joke #humour #funny #Justin Beiber #compliments #awkward #selfish #god

A joke about Jelly!

I've just decided to start my own brand of confectionery products titled - "Totes". The first product will be a new brand of clear translucent fruit flavored spread called "TOTES' JELLY!". It's going to be so good it will plant the seed of envy in my competitors

#totes jelly #jealousy #envy #phrases #totally #justin beiber

@galifianakisz Sounds great on paper. Literally. #funnyshit

#funny #sounds #great #paper #sounds great on paper #literal #literally #humour #humor #justin beiber

I got the right weights and A tip to survive AB RIPPER X. P90X Lean. Day 17.

#p90x #P90X Lean #p90x shoulders and arms #shoulders and arms #p90x motivation #p90x strategy #weightloss

I just bought a Baseball cap with the ADIDAS logo on it. I feel like ADIDAS got me twice. I not only had to pay to wear the hat AND now they get free advertising all day with their ADIDAS logo on my forehead. So in order to get them back, I thought I’d flip it so that their logo is now on the back which won’t be seen by nearly as many people. But then I realize they have bought the real estate on the back of the cap too with the same sign. They got me for the 3rd time. And now I look like a douche with the backwards ADIDAS baseball cap. That’s the 4th time ADIDAS has got me. It’s like, I can never win.

#hats #baseball cap #adidas #adidas baseball cap #adidas funny #comedy #observation #corporate

You're Welcome World! We gave you Indian Style!

I sometimes wonder how other cultures sat down before the invention of the chair, before my ancestors invented sitting down "Indian Style". I imagine it like, " Hey guys! Guess what I just saw those crazy Indian people do. They just kinda like placed their bums on the floor, and then just like, bent their knees so that they're like crossed or something and then rested their thighs on their heels. It's like totes cool!" ...In my head all other ancient cultures sound like 21th century stereotypical teenage girls.

#sit down #indian #indian style

"I can't see physical changes so far!!":( Day 16 P90X Lean.

#p90x lean #p90x #lean #p90x body changes #p90x transformation #p90x no change #day 16 #p90x cardio x #cardio x

I did the Bonus Round for the first time! P90X Lean Day 15.

#p90x #p90x lean #lean #p90xday 15 #p90x day 15 #P90x transformation #p90x motivation #p90x strategy #p90x improvement

Combat Lazy Sunday with X Stretch! Day 14 P90X Lean.

#p90x lean #p90x #lean #p90x xstretch #p90x lazy #p90x sleepy #p90x xstretch.#x stretch #p90x motivation #p90x strategy

How to get through week 2 After the euphoria of Week 1. P90X Lean.

#p90x lean #p90x #lean #p90x transformation #p90x motivation #p90x strategy #p90x day 13 #p90x week 2 #p90x kenpo X #kenpo X

Fuel Yo' self fool! Day 12 P90x Lean.

#p90x lean #p90x #lean #p90x lean day 12 #day 12 #p90x motivation #p90x strategy #p90x legs and back #legs and back #ab ripper x

Sometimes faking into thinking that you're doing great helps! Day 11 Yoga X P90X.

#p90x lean #p90x #p90x day 11 #yoga x #p90x motivation #p90x strategy #p90x yoga x #p90x faking it

BAD Days in P90X - Day 10. I had a good day yesterday. I had a bad day today. Here's how I felt and how I tackled it. My 3rd encounter with Ab Ripper X. Day 10 - Shoulders and Arms, Ab Ripper X.

#p90x lean #p90x #p90x lean day 10 #p90x shoulders and arms #arm curls #glam muscles #fitness #p90x bad day #P90x transformation #p90x strategy #p90x support #p90x ab ripper x #ab ripper x

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