A Reflective Conversation
A short(ish)story about my current self talking to my past self about...life.
story below break ↓
Sat down in a chair in front of a mirror that, when sat in front, reflects not the present, but the past. The golden flakey frame encases the long rectangular glass that works in the opposite way. The little girl sits on the other side of the glass, not literally behind the mirror but in her own world, where I appear the same to her as she does to me. I know who she is, but she has no idea of who I am.
“Hello”
“...hi”
“How are you?”
The little girl stays silent, but she smiles slightly before giving a weak thumbs up.
“who are you?”
“I am you.”
“you are me…?”
“I am.”
“you don't look like me…”
“How so?”
“your hair is short and curly mine is long and straight.”
“I cut it!”
“when?”
“Back in third or fourth grade is when I cut it super short for the first time.”
“but what about Rapunzel?”
“I found someone else I wanted to model my hair after. What grade are you in?”
“second. what are you in?”
“I'm in twelfth grade!”
“that's the big girl grade…”
“That is, isn't it? Isn't it crazy? I'm 18!”
“when is your birthday?”
“We have the same. April 25th, 2007”
“you really are me!”
“I told you.”
“why is your hair curly though?”
“I still wonder why it sprang up too. Hmm, you know how when you pull a ribbon it's long and not curled, but you let go and it bounces back up to its curly shape? I think that's what happened when I cut my hair. The weight was pulling it down so that when it was cut it got released and sprang back up to a curl.”
The little one just nods understandingly.
“what was it like after you switched schools? did you find any good friends that aren't mean to you?”
I smile softly, hesitating at first as I recall a string of events. I simply sigh before speaking, “yes, I did. They are…awesomesauce.”
I pause and think.
“You know how in some TV shows, the main character has a lot of friends?”
The little girl nods.
“It's something like that. It feels like a whole other family. Some you hang out with more than others and even talk to more, but you all love each other the same.”
I pause.
“Have you gone to that birthday party yet?”
“oh no. but im so excited! it's gonna be ever after high themed! this will be my first friend birthday party!” The little girl's eyes light up with excitement, blissfully unaware of the fact that she'll never go to that birthday party. Unaware of one of her first heartbrakes. I don't have the heart to break it to her, I shouldn't either way.
“Have fun there.” I choke back tears as I give the little one a smile.
The little girl thinks for a moment.
“is high school scary?” she tilts her head, playing with her already falling out braids.
I smile and chuckle, observing the way I used to take my braids out before responding and wiping my tears away.
“A little, or well…that's what I thought at first. High School is…a rollercoaster. I've had so many great memories, but also some not so great stuff. But, trust me, you'll have fun once you get here.”
“what about middle school?” She quickly responds.
I pause for a moment, my heart sinking. My hands shake a little and a lump forms in my throat.
“Do you want me to be honest?”
She furiously nods, “of course, duh! im going to be going there soon and thats scary!”
“Slow down, you got a few years before that but yeah, I get it.” I sigh, “Ok…I don't think I can tell you much but…here's this. Pay attention so carefully, please.”
She nods once more.
“Sometimes, your happiest moments in life are also your saddest. Sometimes you meet someone who you thought was your friend, but they end up a bully.” I find the right words to explain it lightly, “Sometimes they trick you, pretending to be your friend. When in reality, they just want to hurt you. But, sometimes the bullies are a good thing, because they lead you to a happier feeling after then you felt before the bullying. You just, gotta stand up for yourself, don't let the bully think they have control. Be the bigger person…be a…big girl. Be a big girl and tell them “Hey! What you're doing is not cool!” and eventually…it'll go away.” I nod as I look back at the girl, who now has a saddened face.
“i thought…we didn't have any mean people bullying us anymore…”
“Honey…there's always going to be a jerk trying to upset you, and sometimes they're meaner than others…and sometimes, it changes you.” I say that last part a little quietly, I look back, trying to hold back the urge to hold the little girl's face. I know I can't, but I feel like I need to. I shake away that feeling before looking back.
“But you have amazing friends that make you happy when you're sad and that mean person is no longer our friend.” I stop at that, refraining from saying any more. Unfortunately, I can't interfere with that event, it needs to run its course.
“Then we all got stuck at home.” I chuckle.
“huh? what do you mean?”
“Basically a big nasty sickness spread around the whole world making everyone sick. They closed schools, works, restaurants, everything. The entire world was closed. The rest of our 7th grade and entire 8th grade was spent learning on a computer video call with our teachers. It was only supposed to be a few weeks, but it got worse after that.”
“that sounds cool though! computer stuff and not going to school!”
“Yeah, it sounded super cool, but I missed my friends. It made everyone sad.”
The little girl gives a very obvious thinking face before, once again, very obviously showing that she came up with another question.
“Who are our best friends now?”
“Oh, so many that we would consider our besties!” I opened my mouth to say their names, but nothing came out.
“Huh…”
“whats wrong?”
“I guess I'm not allowed to say their names here? Don't worry, next year you'll meet two of them. You won't have to wait too long.”
The girl nods.
“Wanna know something cool?”
She nods excitedly.
“Remember how you always said you wanted a little brother or sister? Well congrats, we have a little brother.”
“really?!” her face lights up.
“Really. He's 7 by now, and best thing; we share a birthday!”
The girl gasps, “whaaaaaaat?!”
I can't help but laugh at her enthusiasm.
“Yeah, crazy right? You're gonna love him. We also got a dog around that same time. You won't have to wait too long for either. Trust me, it's going to be awesome. This was all before middle school, I forgot to mention it before all that.”
She beams with excitement. We always wanted a dog as well. She takes a moment before calming down and we look at each other for a while.
“Anything else you wanna know?” I break the silence.
“why are you wearing makeup?” she asks bluntly. I'm taken back as I remember I am in fact wearing makeup.
“Why am I wearing makeup?” I ask her back the question.
“yeah, why? we promised to never wear makeup because we're beautiful just the way we are!...why break that promise?”
I look down for a moment, my smile faltering before I look back up.
“You are so beautiful. I am so beautiful. And sometimes, we want to feel even more beautiful. Makeup doesn't cover what you think is ugly. It just makes you feel like a princess.” I end it with that.
She just looks at me, examining my face as she soaks in the wisdom. A few moments pass and she just nods and shrugs.
She thinks for a moment before opening her mouth again.
“is it almost summer?” She asks innocently.
My heart sinks for a moment but I muster up a smile.
“Yeah, right around the corner. Almost done with school…” I nod and smile.
The little girl connects the dots.
“oh! your a big girl! no more homework!” she says enthusiastically. All I can do to respond is smile and nod once more. She calms down for a bit before speaking again.
“is it scary?”
“I'll be honest, very.” I respond rather bluntly. Once again she nods, only this time with slight worry in her face. She doesn't want to say anything though and, knowing her, I let her stay silent.
Knowing the way we are, we have so many questions to ask, but the mirror starts to fog up. The little one looks disappointed, the fog seems to quicken. Before time is seemingly up, I manage to get one more thing out.
“You are a strong, smart, beautiful girl. You have so many friends who love you for who you are. Keep being weird, keep singing, keep drawing. There are people out there who appreciate you. Go have fun and enjoy your life as a kid. The only person you should worry about being proud of you is yourself. Because you can only start truly loving others once you love yourself.” I say that last bit quickly as I watch her try to understand my words and nod before the glass completely fogs up.
A few seconds pass and the fog clears and I'm left with me. My current reflection, not the one from my childhood, but me. I stare at them, looking at every little detail of myself. And I cry. I cry and I cry and I cry.
I'm not sure if it's for a good or bad reason, but I keep crying nonetheless. All I know is that I wanted to say more. But I couldn't. She can't know everything going forward, that's just not how life works.
A door on the other side of the room opens. Nothing but light escaping the opening and a cool summer breeze. The smell of freshly cut grass and school air hits my nose while the sounds of a field during lunchtime echoes the room. I get up, knowing that the only thing to do now is to move forward.
I can't keep worrying about protecting the past when I have to focus on preserving the present.
I walk towards the door, a bittersweet nostalgia hits my entire body, tears well in my eyes. But I keep moving forward with a smile on my face. It's not the bravest smile, but it's my most comforting. And I know that's what that little girl would have wanted.
I keep that in my mind as I let the warmth envelop me into the next chapter of my life.
Hopefully one she will be so happy to experience too.