The Prettiest Boy In This Hell Hole

For embarrassing thoughts and bad writing 17 FTM🏳️‍⚧️

[starboyinadumpsterfire]

Starboy

17

FTM

Gay and Ace

I’m gonna post my shitty thoughts here

Mostly bad writing I put in my notes app over the past few years. It’s kinda fucked. Please don’t take it seriously I was unwell.

[starboyinadumpsterfire]

I want a silly stupid boyfriend I can make silly stupid matching bracelets for. We could have matching Hualian and Bingqiu and Wangxian and Vashwood and Sonadow and Bloodymary bracelets and we’d wear a silly stupid matching bracelets around all the time to be like hey look what I got my silly gay little boyfriend has the other one and we’d be so in love.

[starboyinadumpsterfire]

I want to fall asleep because maybe in sleep I will see you,

but if I sleep now tomorrow will come quicker,

And my tomorrow does not look like a good one.

[starboyinadumpsterfire]

I wish I was like Iphis and had enough of a deity’s favor for them to change my body and life into something I’d actually be happy with. Maybe then my parents wouldn’t hate me for decisions I haven’t made yet.

[starboyinadumpsterfire]

Dysphoria is eating me alive and having someone to convince me I’ll definitely be able to start hrt and talk about how cool I’m gonna be after sounds really nice.

[starboyinadumpsterfire]

YALL ONE DAY I COULD HAVE A BEARD

A STUPID SCRAGGLY STUBBLE OF A BEARD

[starboyinadumpsterfire]

How pass as boy no glue no borax?

[starboyinadumpsterfire]

Who wants to become so mutually attached to each other that we gain the confidence to leave the shit lives we have now for something better?

[starboyinadumpsterfire]

(7/24/26)

Sometimes I want kids, just to prove I can love them more than you love me. To prove I can do better than you are. To prove kids shouldn’t need to feel fear, or guilt, or dread like I do with you. I adore you, worship you even. I worry about every little thing I do and am. Worry it doesn’t please you. I pray to deaf gods hoping they will give me mercy and make you a little kinder. You’re not the worst, I almost wish you were. I wish I could justify my vision of you. I wish I didn’t feel like I was making it up. Wish I didn’t feel like others would think I am making it up. I used to think you were never wrong. Thought you had all the answers. Thought you were safety incarnate. Thought you were divine. But you’re so painfully human. So disgustingly mortal. A painful reminder that I’m no better than you are. In nothing more than a carbon copy of you. Nothing more than what you want me to be. Your perfect little escapism you can fix your every regret with. I don’t get choice. I don’t get wants. I get whatever you wish you could have been. I disappoint when I end up different. Don’t you wish you had gotten your pretty little girl? Rather than a filthy mutt of a boy.

[starboyinadumpsterfire]

I adore being told I look like botw Link

[starboyinadumpsterfire]

I wanna be flirted with in shitty poetry that sounds fun.

[starboyinadumpsterfire]

dm ME please, I want to talk so bad

Why is it always the ageless blogs?

[starboyinadumpsterfire]

Bro where is my cute t4t mlm summer romance this isn’t fair

[starboyinadumpsterfire]

Andrew in drag but it’s about a trans man and his cishet best friend.

[starboyinadumpsterfire]

I want a boyfriend then i remember how I look and feel gross.

[starboyinadumpsterfire]

(7/22/26)

How pathetic am I, to wish your touches were violent? To feel you pressed a bit too hard. Your knuckles held a bit too tight. Bruises littered like lipstick stains I can’t wash away. To wrestle in grass like middle school boys. Only for it to end in gentle kisses rather than bloody noses. Would you listen if I apologized for the dirt on your jeans? Would you smile in a way that makes everything living and good reflect in your eyes? Would you dig your teeth into my neck if I asked like it was mercy? Leave imprints that could be identified as yours. I want to tumble with you in fallen leaves. They’d stick to our hair and clothes but never stain like the embrace itself. Touch me like boys touch boys. Leave my skin purple and green. Let me feel your presence in soothing soreness.

[starboyinadumpsterfire]

How much shall we over share on the yearning blog??