So I was trying to write a guideline for my bf so that he won’t be caught off guard when my depression seeps in and thought if anyone is the same
The rough guide to my depression and anxiety 😁✌🏼
Most times, depression lays quietly in its quarters minding its own business as I go by my days. But ever so often, it would check up on me like a creepy stalker that makes its presence known, so it makes me feel quite uncomfortable sometimes, and in times of discomfort caused by depression, I have come to realise that as much as I try to hide it, I would do things as a silent cry for help that doesn’t make sense to most people.
So, How to know if I’m going into the depression void (this can usually last months)
- I sleep more than necessary and more than I normally would. Anything more than 9 hours (including naps).
- I start to put in less and less effort in my looks.
- I allow my room to get messy for more than 2 weeks.
- Redirecting topic of discussion to focus on the welfare of another.
- Showers lasting more than 20 minutes and not washing my hair for more than 3 days.
These are in no specific orders. I start doing these when my energy level gets low.. and once it’s low, anxiety gains easy access to me.
They are like Thing 1 & Thing 2 from Cat in A Hat, mischievous and always causing trouble.
They like having deep conversations with me that makes me question my worth, my value and my self esteem.
So when I become overly confident even when an insult or shade was thrown my way, there’s a chance that I’m trying to convince myself more than just deflecting said shade and acting unbothered.
Things that I think about when anxiety is around
- I am a bother to everyone
- I do not contribute anything
- Someone is mad at me because I said hi
- Omg I made you upset, didn’t I? I’m so sorry
- I can’t do anything right
- Oh no! You’re gonna see me as the pathetic person that I am
- I’m gonna hurt everyone
- People would be happier without me
And once it gets my energy level low enough, my neck, my back, my anxiety attacks!
During such time, more often than not, I will find it hard to breathe. There will be a tightness in my chest, almost like I’m laying down and someone put a 100kg weight plate on my chest. Or as if I fell forward and hitting my chest on the ground first. The deepest breath can’t fill my lungs and I’ll panic, and I wouldn’t know what to do but to hold my breath and hope the moment will pass.
And down comes the tears, I’ll cry because in those moments I’ve convinced myself that I’m not even worthy of breathing. The crying phase will last anything between 5 minutes to 20 minutes.
I will try to recompose myself, by distracting myself by tending to the needs of another. Or really just think about being alone in the forest with fog and fresh dew and moist air and the smell of wet soil and pine trees, and the sound of beetles and bird faintly singing in the background. I’ll take a deep breath and I’ll tell myself that I’m a bad ass bitch who’s gonna kick ass. And I’ll need about 1-3 hours to fully recompose myself.
Time when I need help the most is during that tearing phase, because it’s when I just fall completely apart, that I had to learn to rebuild myself again from scratch.
What to do during that phase?
- Tell me it’s gonna be okay.
- Tell me something I did that made you happy.
To be honest I don’t even know what you can do, but I guess I just need to know that I’m not alone.
Okay thanks for coming to my ted talk. Bai.
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