âYour desire?â- (Holy Spirit, 2021)
26 For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul? 27 For the Son of Man will come in the glory of His Father with His angels, and then He will reward each according to his works.
So carnal the flesh when it comes to accolades and achievements. But who wouldn't want to chase after what the world deems as success? So if it was you, my friend, what would be your option?
Achievements first, Serve later - grow myself and in 20 years time move to the missions field when the time calls (but who know when)
Serve now, Achieve later - do what God calls now and hope that God will help me to achieve something in life in the future (which would not be called success in the eyes of men)
Do whatever I want, be successful and bless the missions field with a part of my money.
In late December 2020, I chanced upon a job vacancy at my home church through a friend - calling for an intern role in corpcomms. Though I was on the lookout for jobs, an intern position was not on my list; I mean, after more than eight months of being an intern, why would I want to graduate from 1 internship to enter another?
If it were to be an executive role, I would probably consider, I thought to myself. Knowing that the chances of it would not be high.
Three weeks later, the same friend informed me that the organisation has decided to hire an executive instead of an intern, so she asked me to send my resume, which I did, half-hoping that I would not get through to the interview.
First, I was concerned about the clause of 'being a member of the church.â Some would think that it isn't a problem, but if you are close enough to me, you would know how long and how much struggle I had about changingâthough I may be a member for a little over 8 years, the idea of chaining yourself to a church which you have been wanting to escape from would be like a trap.
Second, the struggle of submitting myself to a massive pay cut, to the possibility of working overtime, travelling far, lack of proper mentorship, lack of career prospect and feeling that I would be under surveillance with people around me seems too much like a prison. HELLO? Who would be willing?
Two rounds of the interview went past, and I was more than sure that I do not want to be a part of them - though others who were praying for the door to open for me, in my heart, I was praying for the door not to be opened. What a sinful woman I am.
On the other hand, I was already continuing my job search in the corporate sector as my desire supersedes the call that He made. I was looking high and low for a way out to escape the call that He had put in my life.
The familiar nudging from a dear friend was persistent as I find it harder and harder to ignore. The attitude behind all those decisions that I have made thus far was reckless, nonchalant and ignorant. When finally the nudge was too heavy to ignore that I finally sat down and blabbered without taking time to listen to what He had to say.
âG, I don't want this low road, I want to succeed, I want to be rich, and I don't want my life to look so pitiful 15 years down the road. I want to be in the corporate field earning a high income, be in a high position and be more capable than many others. I like being in the corporate sector, and I enjoy what I am doing.â
Your desire? it took 2 words for Him to shut me up and a few moment of silence for me to realise what I'd done - I had grieved the Holy Spirit.
As scenes flashed before my eyes, scenes of me - scenes of Him meeting me on my bedroom floor as I grieved over Belle; scenes of me saying to God 'send me', that I will take up my cross, deny myself and follow after Him even if it meant to die in the mission field as a martyr. To the scene where I prayed with so much conviction in 2016 'God, I don't want to be like them to chase after what the world has to offer and whatever that in the eyes of others that may seem a success. I do not want my life to be like them chasing after the usual things.â, while waiting for the bus to come back to SG with my fellow friends in the SG-JB transit.
I want to chase after the things of your heart, of what You see as success. If following you means being abnormal in the eyes of others, then let me be abnormal. - (Ari, 2017)
What a bold and reckless prayer indeed. But all these prayers were made not because I was on an emotional high. It went through a painful thought process - reconciling the distance between my heart and my mind.
Just like the Israelites, I was the same as those who had built the golden calf. My golden calf is the wealth and success that the world can give; I had once again forgotten the goodness and how He had brought me through my red sea and protected me against the Egyptians of life.
I am sorry, Holy Spirit.
I am sorry, Jesus. I'm sorry.
As I fell on my knees, struck with fear and awe and a new found conviction to run this amazing race.
It takes the Holy Spirit to kick my flesh back into place and remind me how small I am compared to His eternity, how He could easily give and take away whatever I stored up in my barn. He could give and take my success and glory if He wills it. Though such a wretch I am, yet He chose me to be a part of His grand plan that I can never comprehend.Â
8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
 neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
 so are my ways higher than your ways
 and my thoughts than your thoughts.
So then, how different is your idea of success compared to His ideas of success?
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