i'm aware that i'll never be anyone's muse but it would be nice to at least have one

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he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
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@starrfleshh
i'm aware that i'll never be anyone's muse but it would be nice to at least have one
my drawing of Bacchante by Prosper d'Épinay
her torso is too long and her shoulders too little
I want to create for someone i love and who loves what i create and me but there's no such person in my life
if I could skip all the days/weeks/months/years/decades of my life until i'm someone's favorite person i'd do it in a heartbeat no matter how many parties with friends there are, how many opportunities for growth, how many cool and fun trips i don't care i just dont want to be behind anymore
i feel like such a fraud because i'll never know if im truly passionate about anything or just do it to make myself less unremarkable i hate this so much
i've never been anyone's go-to person and every time i try to get close with someone there's someone else
and it happens in all of my semiromantic relationships too and i try so hard to be pretty, to not be boring, to be physically active, to have passions all for the sake of someone noticing and affirming that i'm remarkable and worth being the most important human being in their life
i would never be so obsessed with it if i had an unquestionable best friend but how does one get a best friend at 18???
even though i have many friends i'm never spontaneousely invited to sleep at their place, nobody would ever go on vacation with just me, no one would have a tattoo that symbolizes me in any way, no one would platonically say "I love you"
and that's why i revolve my life around trying to be good enough to be someone's most important person
i hate it so much im so tired
more stuff ive drawn, also a sculpture i made
what ive recreated:
san sebastiano giacente - Giuseppe Giorgetti
the three graces - Antonio Canova
young prisoner - Michelangelo
im never the prettiest but I make pretty things so its not that bad
another drawing of mine, a fragment of a sculpture by Benedetto Cacciatori - Apollo dormiente con Capra che Allata but i drew it without the little goats
maybe drawing faces is a little easier after some practice, but this time the hair and fur made me furious (haha) when drawing
my drawing of a Bacchus sculpture by Lorenzo Nencini
in honor of me tuning 18 tomorrow (scary that my childhood is ending, i'm not ready) i would like to show my gratitude for all the things i've experienced for the first time or in general while being 17:
-partied hard with my friends and got closer to them
-found "my" perfume/scent (mugler alien)
-met some new people from other schools through debates
-went to the cinema alone a few times, got comfortable doing fun stuff alone overall
-bought myself my first pretty bra
-went to slovenia for the first time, also visited lublana
-bought myself my first high-quality lipstick and felt great wearing it
-stayed up all night laughing with a friend
-made a guillotine out of a cardboard for school
-visited Warsaw and the parliament
-went to 2 school exchanges to France
-got better at tennis
-had my first kiss (with a french guy)
-cuddled for the first time (with another french guy)
-took learning french seriously
-made international friends
-went to a cinema in france for the first time
-went to pride for the 5th year in a row
-reconnected with a friend after a year and a half of no contact
-debated a lot
-had dinner at the fanciest place in town with my debate colleagues
-made some new friends in general
-read a lot of books wrote by women
-went to a tennis camp
-poured hot tea on myself by accident and got a scar the size of my hand on my inner thigh lol
-read books on the beach
-made some clothes for myself
-went to a few concerts
-went on a holiday with my friends for the first time
-sculpted a lot
-went to a sculpting class
-had my first situationship
-ended my first situationship
-realised i don't need nor want a boyfriend
-had the longest debate of my life (my speech was 20mins)
-started having poker nights with my friends
-partied with french people
-comforted a crying drunk french guy in french
-visited rome
-got inspired by rome and started drawing in france
-puked in front of the entrance to vatican (not my proudest moment)
-saw an art piece by Agnes Questionmark not knowing it was gonna be on the exposition
-got 2 helix piercings
-spent a lot of time in france
-read manga in french
-started liking myself more
-started actually feeding my body and paying attention to what it needs instead of how skinny i am
A great year overall :) hope the next one will be even better
amateur sketches - upper ones are from december, bottom ones from november (I drew them while I was in a school in France for two weeks, I'll always remember the art classroom)
a bit of trouble with drawing small faces but I'll work on that
some of my amateur sketches
Ode to Aphrodite - Sappho
Deathless Aphrodite of the spangled mind.
child of Zeus, who twists lures.
I beg you
do not break with hard pains.
O lady, my heart
but come here if ever before you caught my voice far off
and listening left your father's
Golden house and came
yoking your car. And fine birds brought you.
quick sparrows over the black earth
whipping their wings down the sky
through midair-
they arrived. But you, O blessed one.
smiled in your deathless face
and asked what (now again) I have suffered and why
(now again) I am calling out
and what I want to happen most of all
in my crazy heart. Whom should I persuade (now again)
to lead you back into her love? Who, O
Sappho, is wronging you?
For she flees, soon she will pursue
If she refuses gifts, rather will she give them.
If she does not love, son she will love
even unwilling.
Come to me now: loose me from hard
care and all my heart longs
to accomplish, to accomplish. You
be my ally.
Ode à Aphrodite - Sappho
Toi dont le trône étincelle, ô immortelle
Aphrodite, fille de Zeus, ourdisseuse de
trames, je t'implore : ne laisse pas, ô
souveraine, dégoûts ou chagrins affliger
mon âme,
Mais viens ici, si jamais autrefois
entendant de loin ma voix, tu m'as
écoutée, quand, quittant la demeure
dorée de ton père tu venais, Après avoir
attelé ton char,
de beaux passereaux rapides
t'entraînaient autour de la terre
sombre,secouant leurs ailes serrées et du
haut du ciel tirant droit à travers l'éther.
Vite ils étaient là. Et toi, bienheureuse,
éclairant d'un sourire ton immortel visage,
tu demandais, quelle était cette nouvelle
souffrance, pourquoi de nouveau j'avais
crié vers toi,
Quel désir ardent travaillait mon cœur
insensé : « Quelle est donc celle que, de
nouveau, tu supplies la Persuasive
d'amener vers ton amour? qui, ma
Sappho, t'a fait injure ?
Parle : si elle te fuit, bientôt elle courra
après toi ; si elle refuse tes présents, elle
t'en offrira elle-même ; si elle ne t'aime
pas, elle t'aimera bientôt, qu'elle le veuille
ou non. »
Cette fois encore, viens à moi, délivre moi
de mes âpres soucis, tout ce que désire
mon âme exauce-le, et sois toi-même mon
soutien dans le combat.
Hymn do Afrodyty - Safona
Na tronie promienistym, Afrodyto boska,
Usłysz pragnień mych rwących modlitwę dziewczęcą…
Gdy mi serce się krwawi i rani je troska,
Niechaj jasne się czary uroków Twych święcą!
Przez obłoki słoneczne, błękitne mgieł głębie,
Kędy róże się płonią w szafirach najbledsze,
Wóz Twój złoty powiodą bieluchne gołębie,
Uderzając piórami skrzydełek w powietrze.
Stań nade mną i jasne rzucając z ócz blaski,
Poprzez uśmiech tak przemów za moich próśb echem:
«Czemu lękasz się dziewczę? Wszak wzywasz mej łaski,
A ja idę ku tobie — z słonecznym uśmiechem.
O, jak cudnie się dzisiaj liliowy twój wianek
Zaróżowił kochaniem na skroni dziewczęcej!…
Może wzgardził miłością twą płochy kochanek?
Więc ja sprawię, że kochać cię będzie goręcej!»
Przybądź, Jasna!… Twym stopom rozścielę mą szatę,
Patrząc w boskich Twych źrenic głębinę błękitną…
Afrodyto, wnijdź w moją dziewczęcą komnatę,
Niechaj oto w niej róże czerwone zakwitną!…
i love being a 17 year old girl and sketching shirtless men while listening to 2000s japanese music when im supposed to be studying for my math test i love being so careless and lost in my own insignificant shit
one day i think "wow all the feminist reading ive been doing is really giving me the capability to stop feeling the need to have male validation" and then BOOM i have ONE dream in which i have a silly pretty guy in my bed and BOOM i spend the whole day wanting a stupid useless boyfriend who'd want my attention and be close to me
cytaty z esejów Susan Sontag
Trzeci świat kobiet
1. Mężczyźni oraz kobiety są uciskani przez innych mężczyzn. Ale wszystkie kobiety są uciskane przez wszystkich mężczyzn.
2. Gramatyka, scena najintensywniejszego seksistowskiego prania mózgu, ukrywa samo istnienie kobiet.
3. Wyzwolenie równa się władzy, nie wolności - inaczej nie ma większego znaczenia.
4. Samo zapewnienie kobietom swobody ekspresji seksualnej będzie pustym zwycięstwem, jeżeli pozostaną one w kręgu tradycyjnej koncepcji seksualności, która przeobraża kobiety w przedmioty.
I WILL UPDATE
changed my mind im way too cool to have a boyfriend because i often feel so sorry for the people in my life who have one
vogue was kinda right
a state im in rn to remember for tougher times:
summer, free, on an intellectuall mission, reading 3 books at a time, sculpting, watching movies, eating shit quality food, drinking regularly, playing tennis, ocasionally meeting with friends, a guy i like and will soon see likes my ig stories (amazing)
but most importantly
finally liking my presence of all people the most