Okay, once again, from the top- top of the mornin' to you!
I’m your local multifandom enthusiast, I go by Starr!
Please do use tone-tags around me, this user's can't tell a joke from a serious statement a lot of times-
Personality: Hopeless idealist, wants deep companionship, feels lonely and ignored from time to time but that’s aight, life do be like that sometimes though. Sappy poet and writer lol-
I do program and write and draw, but half the time whenever I program I just wrestle with the computer lmfao (ESPECIALLY the standard library like tf)-
DNI: Transphobes, Truscum, Transmeds, TERFS, ableists, anti-cluster B/believe in n@rc abuse, racist, aphobes, homophobes, queerphobes, xenophobic, gender-critical, bigots, LGBTQIA+ exclusionists, thinspo/pro ED, bullies, NSFW/K!nk, anti-agere/agedre, Pro-DDLG and all its variants, P3d0ph!l3s, N@z!s, really anything that makes me feel uncomfortable- just come on here and you're welcome as long as you're not being an ass. (and don't make fun of me for having a DNI, it really isn't that hard to spare me the trouble of blocking you and just... not interact).
Certified AuDHDer. Unlabeled.
Down horrendous for robots, of all things. GIANT TRANSFORMING ROBOTS.
Multiple fandoms and hyperfixations, including but not limited to:
ROTTMNT, FNAF, Poppy Playtime, Fire Emblem, Genshin Impact, Honkai Star Rail, Demon Slayer/KNY, TMNT, Stranger Things, Star Wars, OMORI, Transformers, DC, Pacific Rim, The Owl House, Zelda, Zenless Zone Zero and much more!! Sorry if you're here for any one of these specific fandoms, I tend to aggressively post about my current hyperfixation depending on it lmao-
Current hyperfixation as of now: Dispatch, DC, Transformers, and cartoons in general
Will update this Pinned Post from time to time as time goes on and my fluid identity changes, but for now, I’ll keep being me and I hope to get along well with everyone here!
My personal hot take is that Celine is one of the best characters from the movie, purely from a cultural standpoint. I don't think I have ever seen a more accurate scene of an asian mom reacting to a mental breakdown. If she truly is a bad person, she would have never felt the need to take Rumi in and raise her.
Celine doesn’t deserve the hate she gets. She's just simply a realistic asian mom. I don't think most people understand just how much trauma asian people, especially the older generation silently carries with them.
Asia has some of the highest suicide rates in the world cause it's a culture that actively focuses on getting results; feelings come second to duty. Whether that be work, school, or family, people rarely put themselves first.
Rumi reminds me so much of myself in the argument scene, as I had a similar mental breakdown once, and my mother reacted the same way. I didn't get unconditional love, I got 'you're young, you still have an entire life before you', 'I won't tell our extended family if that helps' while she hugged me. She didn't give me the affection and acceptance i desperately needed. She went into 'protective, productive, practical mom mode' cause that's what love and care look like to her.
My mom never abused me, but knew so little about actual parenting i didn’t get candy until i was like 8 cause she never realized children were supposed to have candy.
She got beaten with a stick as a child until she had bruises, she use to destroy her shoes just to get new stuff every year, her entire life my uncle got favored over her cause boys were seen as more important in china back then, got SA and when she told grandma the woman asked what she did for a man to lust after her and fainted during my birth.
She's like 90% of the reason I'm so insecure, but she also gave her everything to keep me alive. She gave me everything she had, but sometimes someone's everything isn’t enough. Sometimes your happiness isn't with 'family', sometimes it's doing better than those before you, and that includes distancing yourself from them.
Celine isn't evil. She's an asian mom, a woman filled with trauma she most likely doesn't even realise she has, and gave her everything for rumi.
Weapons gives me so much to think about. The way the teacher (especially a woman) is blamed and scapegoated by the community as being the perpetrator due to her personal struggles and past "inappropriate conduct" aka offering genuine care to the children, and everyone is so focused on demonizing her they fail to see the actual abuse and grooming that is happening to a young child within his own home.
The weaponizing of "think of the children" when no one is noticing or helping the kid who needs help the most. No one considers that the problem might be in the walls of his own home until his teacher becomes concerned. I think theres a reason the last line is "some of the children are finally learning to speak again."
I remember one time my mum was really mad at me over basically nothing, and she made me a sandwich so aggressively I cried at the kitchen table as she did it.
She slammed the plate down with so much force it cracked and made me jump backwards. I was sobbing at this point and wasn't really on a position where I could eat, but when I tried to tell her I didn't want it anymore she screamed. Not like, words. Just loud shrill screaming. And slammed her hands on the table.
I was about nine years old and far smaller than her, so of course, afraid of her. So I choked the thing down and I swear I could feel the bad vibes of the food entering my body as I ate it.
When I was done I stayed at the table. Too afraid to get up without asking but also too afraid to ask. I sat there crying until she told me that watching me stuff food into my face while I was crying made her feel sick, that I disgusted her, and that she just wanted me out of her sight.
"Go." she said "Now!" She shouted it inches from my face.
I scrambled up and started booking it away, hoping this meant it was almost over.
"Oh you're just going to leave your dirty plate for me to clean?" She said. "Mum's a skivvy. Mum will clean it. Mum will do fucking everything in this house will I?" She followed, banging a stainless steel pan off the granite countertop so she had to shout to be heard over it.
I stopped in my tracks and hesitated for a second to go back over, worried that it would mean closing the distance between us and put me at easy hair pulling/hitting range. I must have hesitated a second too long, because she lunged at me and shoved me sideways, bruising my elbow as it made sharp first contact with the wall.
I winced and resisted the urge to rub it. She smashed the plate over the tap and then raised her hand to backhand me across the mouth as I stood dumbly watching her, waiting for further instruction now the plate she'd just asked me to wash was in pieces in the sink.
She made a hands closing around my throat, strangling motion. My eyes darted between her and the plate, willing to wash up the shards if she wanted me to, but unsure if that would make things worse.
"I don't want to hear you. I don't want to see you. I don't want to smell you. All weekend. Got it?"
I nodded anxiously, barely believing my luck as I fled up the stairs and into my bedroom. I shut the door behind me and stood in the center of my room, watching it. I watched it till downstairs went quiet, waited for the sound of the TV coming on. Then I sat on my bed watching it, jumping up every time a creak from downstairs indicated someone had gotten off the couch. When my heart rate evened out and I felt the familiar wash of exhaustion, I assumed she was feeling the same. So I felt safe enough to crawl under the covers to cry silently. Muffling any stray sobs into my pillow.
I spent the weekend in my room. Napping. Drawing. Holding my pee until I was sure she wouldn't see me on the landing. Drinking from the bathroom sink. Reading. Watching my TV on mute. Eating whatever snacks I had to hand. Pretending I didn't exist.
And then, like magic, she appeared on Monday morning. All smiles and sunny disposition. Chatting while I got dressed for school. Acting like that whole weekend never happened. I took her cue and did the same.
Hey, if you want to watch the World Cup, or are even thinking of traveling to Mexico for the games, please don't. The Mexican government is doing a lot of stupid shit to afford being a host of the World Cup, one of which is taking money from retired people's pensions (in some cases they're reducing it by 60%).
The country is facing one of its worst femicide and disappearances crisis and yet the government only cares about a bunch of dudes kicking a ball around a field. Yeah, sure, let's pretend we didn't find more than 500 bags with human remains right next to one of the stadiums for the World Cup.
I know there's a lot going on around the world, but if you want to help, activists like the Madres Buscadoras are calling for a boycott. All you gotta do is DON'T WATCH and DON'T COME and spread the word as much as you can. Don't give any money to this fiasco.
The faces of Mexico’s disappeared paint the streets of Mexico’s second biggest city of Guadalajara. The fliers are woven into daily life in
If you can forgive Jinu for condemning his family to a horrible death, for killing countless people over centuries, for manipulating Rumi…. As a “mistake”,
How can you not forgive Celine for doing the best she could with what knowledge she had? For doing her best to protect a girl who would be killed on sight if people knew what she was?
No, Celine didn’t do the right thing. Yes, she made it impossible for the girls to trust her, so they tried to solve the problem by themselves.
But imo it’s extremely clear that this is also how Celine was raised, to never show weakness and kill without mercy.
Every shot we see of her, she is completely alone. Her friends are dead, most likely killed in battle, and she was left behind to pick up the pieces.
And there’s no one out there who she can talk to, or who would understand her pain, because as a Hunter she can’t show pain or weakness, and her whole life is a secret so the only person she COULD tell would be her young proteges who again she needs to raise into killers so she can’t let them see her be vulnerable!!!!
Her entire life, her training, her legacy, hell, THE FATE OF THE WORLD hinged upon her killing demons without mercy!
But she couldn’t do it, because she loved Rumi and Rumi’s mom
Celine probably thought she was passing on the legacy of strength and courage of the Hunters
Her character was done a disservice for not having a moment on screen where she acknowledged the only thing she passed on was a cycle of pain, shame, and secrets.
So something that you likely did not catch if you don't speak Spanish is the way that The Others and Manousos used pronouns during that confrontation between Manousos and The Others through his mother's body, and it is worth mentioning I think:
The Others use informal you, like you would use for family, friends, loved ones, to speak to him, when they call him Son.
It is very much an unsubtle attempt to manipulate his emotions, but from what little we have seen of him, we know his will is stronger than that, he knows that the creature inhabiting his mother's body is not his mother, and he says as much, using the *formal you*, because no, The Others do not get to impose that level of familiarity on their interactions, just because they're wearing the skin of someone familiar.
dont you think it's weird that every kid you've ever met has a gripe or two or three with their parents? that that's just a a joke, an inconsequential fact of life? don't you think it's unfair that people who treat children like real human beings are the outlier? don't you think it's odd that the thought that people don't deserve respect until they turn 18 is such a common point of view? don't you think it's odd that so many children these days and forever are raising themselves? don't you feel like it's unfair that children are given the responsibilities of growing up and having to do tasks and errands for the family that brought them into this world without any of the freedoms? that the first gift they get upon growing up and that oh-so-sweet "freedom" they were promised for 19 years is typically a mountain of debt? don't you see the pattern over the past hundred years that children are shoved out of any safe space they have, out of parks and roads, out of diners, out of malls, out of the internet? they're trapped in an unsafe world and almost never taught what to do by their parents until their parents are frustrated that they don't know what to do? don't you ever feel like every other parent is abusing their children? so many minors you know despise their parents? everything children, especially young ones say is treated as a joke and nothing more? don't you hate the saying "children should be seen and not heard?' don't you hate that children are time and time again hurt & betrayed by parents, by teachers, by adults, by the entire system, and just expected to take it every time? don't you hate that they're seen as property, as extensions of a parent, as a burden to a father and a weapon against a mother? don't you see adults who both hold their age and their maturity over children's heads and tell them that adulthood is actually miserable, that they're jealous of 'irresponsible' children, that this torture is the best they're ever gonna get? don't you know that so many people hate and hated what were supposed to be the 'best years of your life'? in a society that punishes any outcast and rewards cruel hierarchies, it's every man for himself and you're either abused into being a perfect child and neglected or abused for not being perfect and hounded. don't you know how frustrating it is, to be pushed aside and voice spoken over even where you're the target and the blame and the laughingstock, being told "you don't know better" when you want a freedom but being told "you should have known better" when you make a mistake because you are a child?
don't you feel bad?
don't you remember when you were a child and you thought everything was so unfair?
Because people love to criticize Bruce and then turn around to say that "Alfred is a saint". Really? Because Bruce's issues, his terrible mental health and his difficulty to open up to others, are the result of his education. He was 8 years old, it was not his responsibility to take himself to therapy to deal with the trauma, it was not his responsibility to teach himself how to heal and accept to love others. And, yes, now that he is an adult, it's his responsibility to heal, but when he was a child, it was his guardians'.
So, here it is, the post explaining how Leslie and Alfred fucked up Bruce.
Leslie Thompkins: only shows up to point your failures out
So, a lot of people don't know, or don't remember, but Bruce wasn't left in Alfred's custody. It may have changed with the newest timelines, but it wasn't the case before. No, after his parents' death, Bruce was put in the custody of his father's colleague and best friend, Leslie Thompkins. "But, Artie, Bruce lived with Alfred" you are right. Leslie had custody of Bruce, but she did not have him live with her, she left him at the manor with Alfred, and she did not live with him. And when did she, the one the state gave Bruce to, came to visit him?
Well, Leslie is shown to come to see Bruce for three reasons: when he is too sick for Alfred to deal with it himself, when he is sick but making it difficult for Alfred to deal with him, and when he is in trouble at school and they call his guardian. Can you see the pattern? That's right, she shows up when Bruce acts up. It's a bit much to say that the comics writers implied this, I don't believe they did, but we know now children acts up when they are trying to get attention. Without realizing it, the writers gave us Bruce acting up to have his surrogate mother's attention. Because Bruce does see Leslie as his surrogate mother, even as an adult he still tells people he sees her as a mother.
By the way, this was shown to us through multiple flashbacks through Batman's publishing history. And when these flashbacks happen, Leslie often makes a comment that Bruce was a difficult child to raise. Like, girl, shut the fuck up, you barely were there to raise him. And you are putting the blame on him for trying to get attention when you were neglecting him?
But, now, let's talk about the other issue with this and Leslie. Leslie interacted with Bruce during his upbringing principally when he was acting up, so she principally showed up only to reprimand him. This must have left some scars on Bruce's psyche. Like, his guardian only shows up to reprimand him, he must have felt unlovable. What? We are telling me in my earpiece that Bruce still believe as an adult he is unlovable.
Actually, I'm going to be very critical of Leslie, because she is VERY critical of Bruce, like he cannot do anything right. She is against Batman and thinks he is too violent, which she has the right to. But she will look out for more reasons to argue with him. Like in Knightfall where she is supposed to listen and help orphans that were victims of a kidnapping, but she is more focused on using their accounts to paint Batman in a bad light (Batman who is NOT BRUCE at this point, but she doesn't know that) Or during War Games where she put the blame of everything on Bruce, every crime and murder is his fault, and she is very vocal about it. Finally, she makes Stephanie fakes her death to teach a lesson to Bruce about letting children fight as his side (totally ignoring how he has been trying to make Steph stops and also tried to kill himself after bringing Steph to her, something that Barbara had to put a stop to herself because he was determined). And in No's Man Land, she even tells him she is afraid of becoming like him, making him to be the monster in her nightmare. She blames him for trying to make her "sink" to "his level", she is straight degrading him as inferior to her and corrupting her in a way. What a great mother.
And there's Bruce Wayne: Murderer? The title tells you what it is about. The batfam at large doesn't believe Bruce is guilty, but there are still some doubts, so they are working their ass off to find the truth. Well, Leslie, she immediately thinks Bruce did it, and when Alfred tells her that Bruce didn't, she tells him to stop excusing him, that they knew it would happen. She refuses to think, even for one second, that Bruce is innocent. And then, she goes to see him in jail to show him how disgusted in him she is, and that she told him she wouldn't be here for him anymore if he killed. I like to think this is the last straw for Bruce, because after that he goes full breakdown, where he escapes prison and thinks Bruce Wayne shouldn't exist anymore, only Batman. He is so mentally unwell in this, and everytime Leslie is there, I fell so bad for him.
I'm so mad at Leslie because nobody either call her out on how she treats Bruce. She is always painted as if she's right and "how hard it must have been for her to raise him, this mentally traumatized kid" (the same shit people tell me about my abusive mother raising me, like being a mentally ill kid means your parents get a free pass at treating you like shit because "it's hard", people care more about "how hard" it was for the guardians than for the kid) She thinks the worst of him, and she keeps telling him, her traumatized surrogate son that is suicidal and hates himself, that he was a burden to raise and he is to blame for anything bad happening to the people he loves... wait, no, to everyone around him. This qualifies as psychological abuse, btw.
Alfred Pennyworth: NOT a better father than Batman
Let's talk about the man y'all call a saint now. It's kind of incredible how Bruce will be criticized by the fandom for not adopting Dick earlier, when the context is pretty complicated (At first, it was literally not legal for an unmarried man to adopt a child. As the time changed, they changed the reasoning for Dick not wanting to be adopted. Bruce respecting that is him being a good guardian, but there's also how Bruce thinks Dick deserves a better father), but Alfred is called a saint, or a better father than Bruce, when he raised Bruce while keeping the butler/master distance between them. By doing this, he made it clear to Bruce, while raising him, that he wasn't family. Of course, Bruce still saw him as such, but he got the message that it was something he should keep to himself.
And when you add to this butler/master how Alfred brought up how he was doing this to honor Bruce's parents, how Bruce needed to make his parents' proud, how he needed to honor the Wayne's name and legacy when Bruce did not give a shit about it, it really increases the distance. Growing up, Bruce must have felt like he was just a job at time for Alfred. With Dick, he only develops a fear that Bruce and him doesn't have a relationship anymore now that he is an adult AFTER he becomes Nightwing and has a fight with Bruce. There were no thoughts about Bruce and him failing out once he was an adult before he became Nightwing. But Bruce must have believed that once he was an adult, Alfred would leave if he didn't keep him as his employee. When Bruce ran away to train, he probably thought Alfred would be gone when he would be back.
Also, Alfred complaining about Bruce not going to therapy when he didn't take him WHEN HE WAS HIS GUARDIAN is so hypocritical. He criticizes when Bruce doesn’t open enough to his kids, but he raised Bruce with a master/servant dynamic and barely vocalizes he views him as his son. It has even been shown that Alfred's way to deal with being worried about Bruce's wellbeing is by building more distance between them, either by getting very formal and cold, full "I'm just an employee", or by physically leaving. He also often has threatened to quit working for Bruce, which send the message that Bruce is just an employer, not his son.
And I'm being nice here, because I'm not talking about all the time Alfred drugged Bruce without his consent, which is fucked up. Or the worst thing I know Alfred did in canon, which was to pay actors to play a mugging looking similar to his parent's death, so Batman would come to help, only to get beat up. Yep, Alfred has once pay people to beat up Bruce to teach him that Batman was a bad idea. Like I said, I'm being nice and throwing that piece of canon away.
A penny for my thoughts
The most heartbreaking about this is how much Bruce loves them. They are his parents, they are his mother and father. He thinks of them as such in the comics, and losing them is nightmarish for him. He will never stand up for himself in front of them or call out their behavior toward him, because he respects them to much for "putting up with him", something they put themselves in his head, even if they didn't mean it. Leslie is made the president of a lot of charities and organizations Bruce created. He is way too good for them sometimes, but he was taught BY THEM that he wasn't someone easy to love, so he takes what he can. He doesn't even believe he deserves them, but he certainly deserved better.
And maybe Bruce thought he didn't deserve to adopt Dick and be his father because of how he was raised, with people he saw as his parents holding him at arms length. With getting the message again and again from them that he wasn't family to them, but a burden or a job to do. That they wouldn't be there if it weren't for the respect they had for Thomas and Martha Wayne. In a twisted way, he thought he didn't deserve a family.
He has trouble communicating because he had nobody to show him how it is done, but he tries because he wants his kids to have a better life than him. It's why he took Dick and later Jason in, to gave them a better life than he had, to make them better men than him. He tries to give them what he didn't have, but the scars hold him back sometimes.
i think ultimately the most vile transandrophobia ive experienced, REPEATEDLY, was the 4 trans women on seperate occasions who either fetishized or supported my domestic abuser, a trans woman, who repeatedly raped me and tried to murder me when i tried to break up with her
"can you give me her number" have you ever had the experience of having to run for your life from your own vehicle you own, call the police, and them say they cant report the car as stolen because you let her drive it because you thought she was going to hurt you?
"well i support womens wrongs" i had nightmares for nearly 3 YEARS following the events, mostly of her either coming back and raping me more or her coming back to finish the job
"hot" she terrorized me in the victims area of the court house that i specifically went to so i wouldnt have to see her. her face haunts me every day
"well youre a man so" i lost my JOB. i lost FRIENDS. MY COMMUNITY COULD NOT HANDLE ME WHEN I NEEDED SUPPORT, BECAUSE THE CONCEPT OF ATTEMPTED MURDER IS SUCH A DISTANT EXPERIENCE TO MOST PEOPLE THAT THEY REFUSE TO EMPATHIZE WITH IT
like ok so we're just supporting domestic violence, rape, and attempted murder if its against a trans man? would you say this if i were a woman? would you say this if she was a man?
but fr your partner hating your pet is such a red flag and I’m tired of everyone pretending it is not. there is a difference between your partner not being a dog person but tolerating and eventually loving your dog and your partner demanding you get rid of your dog to prove you love them. someone hating and being jealous of the affection you show a pet is a sign to fucking run. so many animals end up in the crossfires of domestic violence scenarios, the abuser may not have initially hated the pet but began hurting it as an extension of their victim, so if your partner is openly displaying contempt towards your pet, RUN.
for those of us who have abusive parents: have you ever had that moment where you realize what flavor of abusive your parent is?
because i just did today and i also realized that it’s not really talked about.
my mom is very, very possessive. i used to think she was just a control freak, but i realized she just obsesses over what is “hers.”
she weaponizes food (i never really learned how to cook because she wants to be the only one in the kitchen)
she is an absolute clean freak and freaks out if shit is out of place or “unpresentable”
she constantly says how stuff is “hers;” “my house,” “my floors,” “my car,” “my dishes,” “my food,” “my phone,” mine mine mine. even if it’s ours, like our phones or our rooms, it’s always hers.
our image as individuals and as a family always reflect on her because we are hers
we can rarely borrow from her but she will sure as hell “borrow” from us (she once had a dress of mine on loan to her friend because she “needed it” for a CRUISE)
as her children we technically belong to her, so our personal lives don’t matter if she wants us to do something for her
and when i say she weaponizes food and cooking, i mean the woman freaks out if we’re eating a snack while she’s cooking dinner or will take it super personally if we don’t like what she’s made. she’ll sometimes purposely make stuff we like if we’re away for the night just to piss us off or make a point.
growing up with the idea that nothing you own is truly yours unless you bought it for yourself—even then it might be up for grabs—fucks you up. i grew up never learning how to cook for myself or even load the dishwasher properly. i grew up believing that my basic necessities could be taken away if i acted in a way that was undesirable. that my personal space was never mine. especially to an autistic person, that shit fucks. you. up.
while it may not seem as extreme as some other people have it at home, i still know it has had a huge effect on me.
parents are allowed to straight-up torture their kids with zero consequences. they can withhold food and water, lock you out of shelter, confiscate your belongings, bar you from human contact, attack and harm you and exert complete control over your physical appearance. and this is just the norm. if you speak out against it you're seen as a delinquent or a predator. even otherwise progressive people get uncomfortable with the idea of dismantling the nuclear family unit because they still see it as the best way to keep kids safe when that simply couldn't be further from the truth. it's evil.
I can't even process just how bad my abuse or neglect is. It still so often feels like my fault. It feels like I'm doing something wrong. I can't even communicate the way it is. I can't make it clear. I cannot. I can't do complex thoughts. I cannot communicate how bad it is. That when say cannot, mean cannot. That feeling. That horrible feeling. Of knowing that you are not looked at as a person. That you are inconvenient for being the way you are. For being unable to understand or think. For needing help with even the most basic things. For not understanding these simple tasks. I know I have something wrong with my brain beyond autism. It's only become more obvious. And the way my own mother acts to me. It's never like I'm a person. She wants me to be anything but disabled. She still hopes of somehow getting me to be abled one day. That seeing doctors and stuff will help me be independent. Because my life is tragic to her. I can never live fully.
My father. I don't want to begin to mention. How much does he not believe me? He denies my trauma by saying "I believe she believes it" as if it's some delusion or psychotic state I'm living in. He is far crueler than my mother. I don't like that I never know what he thinks of me. I'm most terrified of him. Because he'd always defend my mom. He'd always scream at me. Chase me. Pound on the door. Saying it'll be worse for me. Saying he can give me a reason to cry. Saying he will not accept a disobedient child or being given disrespect. That we have to act like a family. That I should **fix it.** I want to bite through my own arm having his voice echo in my head. He is far crueler. I am terrified every time I have an outburst that he will come pounding to scream at me, to go through my stuff, to take it all away. I am terrified of him. The way he's called me stupid and degraded me. Made fun of me for being suicidal and self harming. Called me dark and disturbing. Saying I had something seriously wrong with me. Saying I might look r slur. Saying I was hostile and aggressive and it's shocking to him I had any friends at all. He is cruel. He scares me.
This. This is not even close to all of it. It will never encapsulate the days and hours and months and years and weeks I have had to spend suffering. Lying in wait, gaining a false sense of safety and trust, finding ways to lie and manipulate. Having to count days and hours for getting freedoms back. Waiting for freedoms until I was 18 and 20. The way they look down at me. The way they speak to me. The way my father will always see me as the dumb kid that is wrong. That I will never understand things like he can. That I am a problem. It will never account for just how bad it is.
I will never be able to explain my lack of skills. My inability. The way my brain just...cannot process. It cannot do things. Skills do not make sense to my mind and my mind cannot communicate to my body. That things get jumbled and confused. No amount of words will truly encapsulate just how much trauma there is. From the time my memory began. Honestly before too. Because my earliest memories all center around a fear of being in trouble.
I am trapped in a home that makes me feel as good as dead. Surrounded by people that won't even check to make sure I eat. That are content to get away from me. That are happy to be away from me. That want me gone. And it has always been clear.
I am the difficult child they do not want. The one with countless issues mental and physical. The one that needs extra help. The one that can never true be independent. The one with behavioral problems. I am the difficult child. The one that will never fit their expectations of what a cis perisex girl should be. The one that will not be like they want. Wanting the perfect little girl to adore them, but never seeing why that girl wants nothing to do with them. Blaming her. Blaming them. Seeing me as tiresome and a nuisance. The difficult child since I was small. The one they can never truly handle. All because I'm fucking disabled. That I have problems I cannot control. I did not choose to have this many disorders. I did not choose to be born this way. I did not choose any of this. But they will hate me for it. Resent me for it. As if it were my choice. They will ask God to give them strength to deal with me. Everyone will look down on me. As if I'm not even a person, but rather, a thing. A difficult thing. That nobody in this family wants. The one that doesn't make sense. The one that is too much. The one that does not conform nor fit. The one that sticks out.
Special shoutout today to all the kids who had to raise themselves because their mothers didn't.
To the folks who are no-contact with their mothers. (Don't you let anyone make you feel guilty today.)
To those who are secretly relieved that they no longer have to come up with a gift or some elaborate celebration just to avoid The Consequences.
To the ones who are still doing something to avoid The Consequences. (I hope you have supportive people in your life who can help you through whatever comes your way today).
To the parents who had shitty moms and are working hard to break the cycle.
To all of us in the Shitty Moms Club.
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