Dead by Nightfall

Vent Blog WARNING: This blog contains violent self-loathing and is very likely to trigger people. Please block if you can't deal with what we post here, no shame in that at all.

[stars-bleed]

This blog is for our systems more aggressive/violent thoughts and vents. This stuff gets pretty damn awful, and if you don't think you can handle the stuff we post here, feel free to block us, no hard feelings.

We are an OSDD system, use they/them, it/its, or star-related pronouns for us please, call us multiple instead of plural. No signoffs here, or any specifics on any alters we have.

We are physically disabled (Though we struggle to believe that and may say we aren't)

DPD haver

Please don't vent to us or make our posts about you. We will block on sight if you do that, this is a space meant to be about us. I know it's probably selfish, but we feel like we need things on this blog to be about us and not others. Send vents elsewhere.

[starstruck-sillies]

Well now I'm just fucking annoyed. It feels like so many people who talk about CDDs immediately jump to big scary trauma and intense abusive households for the causes.

Once again, we're left out as per usual. It's beyond infuriating when all of your trauma is something so many people deem normal and not worth even mentioning. I genuinely hate being a system formed from school trauma and not abuse or torture or rape or cults because literally no one fucking cares or talks about it ever.

Even our big scary shooting trauma is just background noise apparently. It's just something that fucking happens sometimes and there's no point in talking about it apparently. A lot of this community is insufferable and honestly makes us feel like we never belonged to begin with because we don't have it bad enough, we're not special enough.

It's only ever about cults. It's only ever SA. It's only ever torture and abuse and evil parents. If you don't have any of that, you can just go to hell I guess.

-Reesa

[anti-willo-valerie]

it's often like they don't want to acknowledge that there are in fact other forms of trauma, at least that's how it often comes off. It's like they don't want to acknowledge that grow, using myself as an example, in and out of hospitals is so traumatic it's not something that can just be brushed off. And I think to an extent it's likely to do with some personal issues on their end, be acknowledging that other forms of trauma can cause a system somehow invalidating their own internally?  that's my best guess personally as a general thing. It often feels like the cdd community preaches "even the littlest thing can be traumatic towards a child" but then brushes off people who didn't experience traumas that were cartoonishly extreme? I'm unsure how to word it exactly?

[stars-bleed]

You're absolutely right, I know exactly what you mean. A lot of the community says that trauma like ours matters, but then they refuse to do or say anything beyond that. It just feels like empty words to make us feel better. I'm not convinced even half the people who say it actually believe it themselves.

It really really sucks having trauma that doesn't fit into the specific categories that the community cares about.

-Reesa

[stars-bleed]

Our anger is background noise at best, and a spectacle to mock at worst.

I wish we weren't helpless. I wish we could fight back. Make them listen. Force them to look. Force them to see what they've been ignoring.

But no, we're stuck with this vile vessel that can't do the most basic of tasks. Little more than a zoo animal to throw things between the bars of their cage at.

[stars-bleed]

It was all our fault! Why complain about teachers being "mean" to us? We were being a stupid lazy fuck, they had every right to tell us to stop being so lazy and to give up when nothing happened. So what if we were mentally ill. We should've been better and it's entirely our own fault that things suck for us right now.

They were right all along, we ruined literally our entire fucking life when we weren't even in middle school yet. God I wish we weren't such a catastrophic failure. I wish we could stop being lazy.

[stars-bleed]

So tired of being a sad, useless, pathetic little rat that exists solely to be kicked so people can laugh at us when we're hurt. All we're here for! All we'll ever fucking be!

Evil and wretched and disgusting. Why keep us alive.

[stars-bleed]

God we're an unforgivable disgrace. Nothing about this reaction is explainable or reasonable in any way. It's vile and disgusting. I wish we could shut our brain off and force ourselves to stop fucking thinking when this happens. I wish there was some way to force it to stop so we could be fucking normal for once. We should be normal, everything was completely fucking fine, but NO. WE HAD TO BE A DRAMATIC LITTLE BITCH AND PRETEND LIKE WE HAVE PROBLEMS. I wish they'd shut it down when we started talking about it. Tempted to tell them to just shut us up the second we bring it up. Just brute force it. That would fix it.

[stars-bleed]

Is it really DPD if I'm right about being an incompetent moron who can't be trusted with anything

[stars-bleed]

How to stop being a horrible nasty bitter person tutorial no glue no borax

[stars-bleed]

We weren't meant to recover. We never were. We're out of our fucking mind for thinking there was ever a chance we'd get better. Every part of us makes things too difficult for our weak ass to ever manage. We're a coward who gives up at the first sign of challenge, and we have to do it ourselves. We can't be fucking trusted with this. Nothing about us was made to get better. We only exist as a punching bag for everyone else, nothing more. We're a failed lab experiment that needs to be discarded.

[stars-bleed]

Gotta love feeling like our symptoms make us abusive and that no amount of recovery will change that.

We're way worse than anything that school has ever done, worse than our classmates, all of it. Scum of the earth abuser who doesn't deserve any of the people we have. And yet we still can't bring ourselves just do the right thing and just leave everyone for their protection.

We're a dangerous coward. Nothing will ever make us anything but pure, unforgivable, irredeemable evil.

Maybe we are just a violent monster that can't do anything but destroy everything we touch.

[stars-bleed]

The urge to just delete absolutely everything because we're annoying and worthless and we're certain everyone's tired of hearing us constantly talk <3

[stars-bleed]

I wish we could shut off our emotions, they're so stupid and I hate that we keep annoying people with them constantly no matter how hard we try.

[stars-bleed]

It's all our own fucking fault, but we still can't stop ourselves from complaining about all the trauma we went through, as if everyone else doesn't have it so much worse. Honestly, I don't know why anyone let us get so bold and selfish. We're just a self centered piece of shit who needs this stupid shit beaten out of us. I don't get how people can stop themselves from berating our sorry ass for how awful we are.

[stars-bleed]

I wish we were hit as a kid, maybe then we wouldn't have ended up such a pathetic, evil little failure who can't handle anything.

They should've beaten us half to death. Honestly maybe the world would be a better place if they killed us. If they had gotten rid of us before we could fail them.

We should've been aborted. Being given the chance at life we completely wasted was the worst mistake our parents ever made.

Our brother was always the better one. I just wish they could see what a pathetic mess we turned out to be and stopped wasting their money on us. They should starve and beat us till we finally die and rid themselves of the horrible burden they were cursed with.

[stars-bleed]

We deserve everything that's ever happened to us. I hope everyone just abandons us, we're a lost cause not worth wasting time and money on. maybe we'll get into a relationship with a girl who abuses us.

Hope if we do, she kills us. Hope she gets away with it too.

[stars-bleed]

Sometimes I think "You know, I feel like school sucked for us, but was it really actually that bad?" and every time the answer is no. I wish we could just get over it and move on, but were still stuck anyway. It wasn't bad enough, why do we keep complaining? I mean really, why do we keep complaining about them conditioning us when that's just what school is. That's the whole point. What else would they fucking do.

Wanna hit myself in the head over and over till we get a concussion, maybe then we'll stop being such a pathetic fucking moron </3

[stars-bleed]

Horrible obsessive little freak. All in a frenzy over shit that doesn't matter. Get over yourself.