rp

my personal semi-public digital garden and blog for journaling, thought exercises, reading, and plants

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introduction

When I was a teen I so desperately wanted a tumblr blog. I remember begging my mom to let me download it but she refused to let me because she couldn’t monitor it. I would always mope around on Pinterest, finding artists and silly posts I enjoyed there only to show my friends and have them giggle and say “I already saw it on tumblr.”

Years later now it’s almost summertime for me and I have decided to take a hiatus from my other socials and fulfill my indie sleaze dreams by focusing on a tumblr blog.

I really don’t want this blog to be all self important bullshit, but I will be sharing a lot more thoughts on here for people to engage with and help sharpen my mind. I’ll also be sharing about my plants, my cats, my life, my journaling and art, and probably also my poetry. I may also talk about books I’m reading! Who knows! In any case welcome to my silly little tumblr blog! Here’s to healing a little piece of my inner child ⊹₊⟡⋆

btw, my name is Rosemary, pronouns are they/them, and I’m 24 years old. nice to meet you!

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The Power of Overstimulation: Sensory Overload as a Tool to Ware Us Down.

I have been off of instagram and Snapchat for upwards of about a month, and I’m forming many thoughts, not all cohesive or concise, on this idea that overstimulation via social media could be a tool to ware down movements.

Let’s look back on the early days of YouTube. When beheadings from other countries or cursed videos were posted, they almost instantly went viral because of their shock value. The same video would last us several years of referencing, quoting, and conversation. Even to this day we make references to some of those videos every now and then.

Fast forward to the further development of apps like instagram, vine (RIP), the growing popularity of tumblr, Pinterest, Snapchat, and more. Seemingly our interest seemed very focused on long form content, watching 40 minute-2 hour long YouTube videos. But one day, the app Musical.ly was bought out and became what we now know as TikTok. We had a sudden uprising in short form content, similar to vine, but with an even more specialized and sensitive algorithm.

While most social media felt like a cigarette, with us having to go out of our way to find the content we want, TikTok was like a fat rip of a vape. Constant dopamine at your fingertips, anywhere and anytime and in any flavor you wanted.

There was no denying that social media was bad for us before this, but suddenly we got TikTok and it actually kind of started to feel like I was in one of those boomer memes about how kids are glued to their phones.

Then instagram got reels, YouTube got shorts, and Facebook also hopped on the train. It was a short form content apocalypse (this is meant to be hyperbole but you get the idea).

As someone who has been staunchly addicted to their phone and specifically to TikTok and reels for years now, I finally elected to make the decision to take a total break from social media, and using Facebook (which I usually find boring anyways aside from marketplace) and Tumblr, a platform that provides less overstimulation compared to the aforementioned apps, after having deleted my TikTok account altogether almost a year ago.

I have specifically gotten to choose when I read the news or receive news, I have been able to sit with my own boredom, and have truly and honestly become more comfortable being out of the know. Personally I have seen massive improvements in my mental health and also feel more intentional about staying updated on international and national issues most important to me at the moment.

I want to be clear that I don’t want this to come off as me trying to avert my eyes from the crises happening. But it is so that I can see the latest news with a clear head, and have the attention span and energy to go do something about it without feeling burnt out and hopeless.

Furthermore, being off of social media has actually given me more time and energy to engage with long form content as a whole, whether that is movies, TV episodes, or just books and YouTube videos. It’s not all returning at one time, but it is coming back slowly but surely. I have been spending time doing my hobbies, and sitting outside, and doing all the things our parents said would make us less depressed and while it doesn’t cure my every concern, it definitely helps.

But why the hell am I rambling about all of this?

I wonder how much more effective we could be if we could break our bonds with social media? Specifically those that have fallen to short form content brainrot.

What if we utilized the time we’d normally spend on social media and go volunteer for a local organization? What if we took that time and read more theory? What if we took that time and started a community based group like a reading club or a crafting circle?

I didn’t realize how much time I wasted on social media til I got off and realized how much I open my phone to check it, how often I began just not knowing what to do because I’d normally go on instagram to look at reels, how frequently I’d reach for my phone and go “oh yeah, I’m not on there anymore”. There is so much time in a day that we could create meaning within our community to keep it going, and still have energy left to stay updated on important issues like Palestine or U.S. politics, and it is stolen from our fingertips and from our heads daily because we doomscroll and call that “staying updated”.

I don’t think it’s a stretch of the mind to say that social media, run by tech oligarchs and billionaires, seeks to overstimulate us as a method of sedation. But I wonder how far we can take that? If phones really are an ultimate evil? If social media is an ultimate evil? If the damage is irreparable or if we could possibly heal our relationship with the tech world in some meaningful way?

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“Idols of Mount Sinai”

An original poem

I won’t pretend to know what I do not.

I’ll buy a pack of cigarettes

So that the man can starve another day.

When you choose right by them,

Five bucks goes a long way.

I bargained with your golden calves,

Anything without ears to hear,

Pleading for their greed to end.

But theft is a most common crime

Among those who have plenty.

They fill their bellies with severed limbs

And strike out the lucky ones,

A match made in heaven.

They like their food separate,

Fighting to be the main course.

What purpose is there to convince

We are altruistic and good,

When we get on our knees

For our false gods and idols

And offer up our firstborns’ hand?

We will live and die on that mountain,

And we breath in the paper cuts,

For air is far too costly these days.

Sell over your souls to a god

And let them own your survival.

And as we sing our praises;

As we blame the addicts and impoverished;

As we choke on our own vomit,

Bloodied are the hands

Of those vying for Midas’ touch.

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“Joan”

An original poem

Your soul lives within the paint

Dried and crusted on brushes

That lay dormant in a box

On which your name is gracefully signed.

Your heart has been pressed and poured

Onto surfaces that take a shape

That sort of looks like you

In the funniest of ways.

It takes on hues and colors

That portray a special beauty.

Shades of responsibility live

In the crevices of your canvas.

And I wish to be half the artist,

Painting vivid images like you

That portray the sacrifices

Made with love and a sense of duty.

A woman that I'll never quite know

Holds me in years old images,

A bewildered smile painted across my face,

A knowing imprint on my side.

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Did a little art entry and dumped my feelings and concerns on there.

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A little something for my fellow plant fiends

Join Rare Plants • Community on Tumblr

A community to share your rare plant finds—whether that is a rare plant you spotted or one that you bought/own!

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my plant children from work

With a very happy avocado tree in the mix

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A Death in the Family: ADHD and Grief

I got diagnosed with ADHD at age 24, back in December of last year. I found that after I received a diagnosis, many things began to make sense to me, including my suspicions about my potentially having ADHD. But one realization I was not prepared for was the way in which I believe my ADHD impacts the grief process.

"Grief is a funny thing" is a phrase I have heard a lot, and with me, it's even stranger. I have noticed over the years that I often grieve out of order, I grieve very late, etc. I believe the term for this behavior (which is not limited to grief per se but I digress) is compartmentalization. I place my grief and pain in a little mental doom drawer, and then one day that drawer gets thrown wide open and I have to sit with the feelings dealt to me.

I did not grieve my grandmother's death until seven years after it occurred and what started that process for me was my cousin's wedding. Almost every cousin and extended family member I spoke to and I said the same thing, which is, "I haven't seen you since grandma's funeral". That one did me in.

I noticed as I was grieving her death now seven years later, I process grief differently. It hits me at times I least expect it when I thought I never even grieved or needed to grieve in the first place. The same thing has happened with breakups or friendship breakups. There was an immediate reaction there, and then I'd push it down into the drawer until it got knocked open the week after, or a month, and all the pent up emotion would come gushing out with the tears.

I wish I had the answers to how to solve this conundrum, but it is simply a feature of my ADHD that does not have a direct solution. Feeling detached from the reality in front of me has simply been a part of my behavior since I was a child.

Obviously I don't think I am special for this experience. I think that everyone experiences grief a little differently, and the nature of that grief can be unique. But there are times where I wished that I grieved when deaths in the family happened, so that I could form the bonds through that that I feel I have now missed out on. I wish that I could have felt it with people instead of being stuck here wondering if I even have the right to grieve now.

Regardless, I will truck on and hope that one day I have the answers I need and can find community when community grief is necessary, even if I experience it differently than some. And I hope that maybe this post brings some peace to my ND peeps who think that the way they grieve is weird too.

XOXO - RP

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Intellectualism vs. the Literacy Epidemic

When we talk about various leftist ideas, we run into similar issues every time: someone in the comments or conversation brushes the idea off because they don't understand or don't like the rhetoric or jargon we are using. It raises questions of whether or not we need to call it anti-intellectualism or whether we need to accommodate others when discussing these topics.

The hard truth is that according to many sources, including sparxservices.org, the average American is at a 7th-8th grade reading level, with many falling below that mean. So in using a lot of buzzwords and jargon, with no simplified definitions to what we are referring to, people turn away from very valid issues we are attempting to discuss because they haven't been given the tools to understand, thus excluding them from the conversation by accident.

While I can agree that alt right and nationalist movements thrive off of miseducation and poor education conditions, I feel that I can also say confidently that they thrive off of leftists' moral and intellectual superiority complexes. If we refuse to break things down for people, we are perpetuating those same movements inadvertently.

But what does this look like in everyday life? Imagine someone explaining to you very complicated chemistry research, using a lot of jargon and chemistry specific research terms, without breaking down any of that to you. Unless you specialized in chemistry as well, or have a deep fascination with it, there is a high chance that they are going to lose you at some point. But what if they broke it down? As a a former chemistry major, I have retained a lot more people's attention explaining my former research when breaking it down to a level they would understand than when I am giving them the formal presentation I would give in front of people from my department.

I do not think everyone is accidentally obtuse. But I wonder if it would do a movement good to make others feel more included in on the conversation by breaking things down into easier to digest pieces? Words are important, after all. By learning to break things down, we might be able to find the common ground here and help people understand where we are coming from. Because we might think it is simple, but not everyone thinks the way I, or you dear reader, do. If we can break things down into less scary pieces, maybe the fear tactics used by oligarchs wouldn't be as impactful. If we preach inclusivity, maybe that is something we should expand our understanding of.

not a super long post today because I am getting through finals, but let me know your thoughts as always!

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what implications does black and white thinking have for our generation?

CW: discussion of abuse, SA, rape, and other heavy themes

I often think about a mentality that members of gen Z like to tout, and it's a mentality that says that if someone does something bad, that they are now and forever a bad person. We often find this mentality applied to scenarios referring to abuse, SA, rape, and other rather deplorable acts (and often rightfully so, might I add). But this mentality has, in some scenarios, been weaponized as a way to get friends and community members to choose sides, citing that they are a bad person if they decide to continue a relationship with a person who has done the bad thing, even if the situation had nuance, even if the bad thing wasn't to the level of severity of topics like abuse or sexual violence. I won't stake the claim that this happens in all scenarios, that it is exclusive to gen Z, or even that it is the dominant culture. But it is prevalent enough for me and I'm sure others to take notice of it, and I worry at times that these terms are being watered down to suit a person's narrative.

In fields like social work and therapy, there are a couple of concepts that come to mind: unconditional positive regard and self-fulfilling prophecy. Unconditional positive regard is a term coined by Carl Rogers in the client-centered model. It is the idea that every person has inherent worth. Self-fulfilling prophecy is a term that refers to instances when someone takes on the role that has been allotted to them, sometimes due to a belief held that if everyone already sees them as one thing, they may as well be that thing. Let's say, for example, someone commits a sexual crime as an adolescent. If any and everyone tells that kid that they are a sexual predator, a rapist, etc, it puts them at risk for continuing that behavior into adulthood. Because if everyone will believe that about them, why would they put forth the herculean efforts to prove them wrong?

Maybe it's a hock of bullshit, but I cannot help but think we, too, are continuing an endless cycle.

Now I want to emphasize, if someone out there reads this and goes "ew this person justifies/defends/condones xyz bad thing" I want to emphasize that I do not.

But, I keep running into the same paradox. While a track record or a pattern of dishonest and/or harmful behavior warrants large amounts of distrust, and potentially any level of social rejection, what do we do when someone has a one off instance? What do we do when they had a track record some years ago but genuinely may have changed? Do we continue to punish them in solidarity with victims we may or may not know, or do we move forward in a more honest friendship with that person, believing in their ability to change and holding them accountable in a more intimate manner? If we boot them completely from a friendship or community, will they actually learn their lesson? or will they continue the behavior because they cannot face what they have done? Is their admittance of an act a good start to accountability? Or are they being a shameless oaf admitting to their crimes? How far do we take this? do we stop at cheating? abuse? sexual crimes? Being an asshole? Pulling a dick move? Is it a hopeless endeavor to try and get people to see the error of their ways? Is there an age limit to accountability? How do communities and friend groups work as a team to facilitate healing and genuine accountability for those they choose to love? Should there be social consequences, or is it a matter of boundary setting, learning to ask things of people, and seeking healthy support?

I'm asking a lot of questions because I don't have all the answers. I'm not speaking with authority on this subject per se, but I want to open a dialogue of what accountability actually looks like within the framework and era we are are working within now.

I'm not asking that you forgive or defend an abuser, I'm not demanding that you become a doormat for shitty treatment or behavior or even manipulation. But if you believe in something like prison abolition, I implore you to explore this idea a little bit with an open mind and see what you find. I'm sure there are flaws in my logic, and by all means I encourage anyone who has read all of this word vomit to point those out or answer my questions if you feel you have an answer. Maybe it is simple and maybe I have something new to learn. The last thing I ever want to be is out of touch with the realities of people who have been hurt or victimized. I also do not want this to discourage someone from coming forward about something that has happened to them. But tell me, what does accountability (on any level from hurt to more criminal acts) look like to you, and how does that, in your opinion, facilitate community safety and healing?

feel free to respond in my comments, asks, or any other way you'd prefer to reach me! I am here to learn something new, listen, and to challenge people to think. capisce?