Star Trek Into Nerdiness

In preparation for their new book, SET PHASERS TO STUNNING: THE SPACE HERO'S GUIDE TO SPACE, authors Phil Hornshaw and Nick Hurwitch boldly go through every Star Trek episode in the galaxy.

[startrekintonerdiness-blog]

The Menagerie

Nick

The Menagerie is a clever repackaging of an unused pilot, even if the final twist at the end of a lengthy 2-part episode is fairly obvious as soon as Captain Pike’s dumpster body is revealed. For anyone who has seen the original pilot, any way.

I’m sure when "The Menagerie" originally aired, the impact was much greater, as the Captain Pike pilot had never been aired on its own. Plus: CLIFFHANGER. Remember when you used to have to wait a whole week or off-season just to find out if Spock got the death penalty or who shot Mr. Burns? Now we just passively allow Netflix to auto play the exciting conclusion. Man, the past sucked.

Though the bones are there (and Bones is not), it’s easy to see why Roddenberry and presumably the network decided to change a few things upon going to series. The original execution was much more drab and serious than the "Star Trek" we’ve come to know and love. That’s largely attributable to one factor: a Mr. James T. Kirk. Pike is an interesting and dynamic character in his own right, given even more depth here, but Star Trek needed its James Bond. Someone excited to boldly go. Upon meeting Pike in the original pilot, he is already jaded and considering hanging up his badge. Not exactly an auspicious beginning to our five-year mission.

To that end, Today’s Deep Question With Gene Roddenberry: What distinguishes illusion from reality? If something is real to you, in your own mind, doesn’t that make it real? Is living a happy lie better than living a depressing reality?

Okay, that’s several questions, and — you might have noticed — roughly the same three that Kirk encountered in “Dagger of the Mind” not two episodes prior. [Theme Alert!] Not only does Roddenberry seem particularly interested in this idea, I’d be willing to bet “Dagger of the Mind” was written as a deliberate chance to take on the same ideas that were in the unaired pilot. 

Despite Federation regulations to the contrary, Pike needs the illusion in order to live out the rest of his days happily. And now that he’s even more deformed than the woman he left behind with the illusion-creating brain aliens, he’s finally ready to settle!

My question: Okay, so the brain aliens’ original intent in trapping Pike was to keep him happily in captivity to start a colony with their slave woman. But if Pike is now just a beeping trash dumpster from the waist down… how’s that gonna happen? Did they take him back because they suddenly have a soft spot? Times tough in the illusion-making business? Why didn’t they also try and mind trap Kirk, quite literally Pike 2.0?

My other question: When the brain aliens reveal slave girl’s true form, she says they found her dying in the rubble of her crashed ship and saved her life. But, having never seen a human, had to use the “hope this works” method of life-saving surgery. They had never seen a human before? Couldn’t they have just… read her mind?

Spock's eyebrows denote his lower rank under Pike's command.

Phil

We've had Spock moments before, but "The Menagerie" is really one giant Spock episode, and it really goes a long way to characterizing him. You realize that he's completely emotionally unhinged throughout the entire two-parter, right? And he doesn't even know it, right?

That's awesome.

Spock was science officer on the Enterprise under Pike for about a decade, and in that time, he developed some fierce loyalty to his former captain. When Pike is in trouble, Spock really does go off the logical deep end; he breaks all kinds of regulations, he commits mutiny, he steals a starship, he falsifies records, he fakes communications and he lies to everyone he comes in contact with. No one believes it could be Spock doing these things because, heretofore, he never has.

So clearly, what we're seeing in "The Menagerie" more than ever before is Spock's logical side just barely keeping his emotional side under control. The elaborate plan he sets up -- which Spock thinks is "the most logical way" to reach his goal of saving Pike -- is just his logical mind making sure that his irrational, emotional response won't get him stopped within 10 seconds of trying to get Pike to Talos IV.

What's more, despite the episode hand-waving away the consequences of Spock's actions, he had to expected to be facing execution at the end of it all. That's some huge brass Vulcan balls there. That Kirk almost wound up being collateral damage seemed (somewhat) unexpected on Spock's part, but it's telling to their relationship that Spock would put Kirk in that situation at all. Spock says he was attempting to protect Kirk, but was that really it -- or was it that Pike was more important to Spock than anything, Kirk included? I'm thinking the latter.

Meanwhile, this isn't much of a Kirk episode. His major function is to go, "No, i think we should continue" when Commodore 64 gets upset about watching the spooky space videos. Kirk doesn't even really work to save his own career in this one. Kind of a bummer.

Things we learned from Spock today:

If you can f--k with the computers, you win

If you're not crying, it's not emotions

You look like more of a bad-ass if you surrender/are captured while still manipulating the situation (see also: every villain)

Things we learned from Kirk today:

Uh ... thumbs up for due process?

[startrekintonerdiness-blog]

The Corbomite Maneuver

Phil (flying solo)

This is why you don't play poker with James Kirk. He makes shit up.

"The Corbomite Maneuver" is, like all the best "Star Trek" episodes, about Kirk's wits and his crew's resolve against a superior adversary. When the Enterprise stumbles into alien territory while mapping uncharted space, it unwittingly destroys a warning buoy that's really bad at warning and much better at lethal radiation, and incurs the wrath of a giant ship that decides to destroy the Enterprise.

With 10 minutes to make peace with deities, and/or figure out a non-deathy solution, this ep brings about some great crew moments. We've got Bailey the new navigator, who seems like a pinch hitter replacement in the position since navigators have the pesky tendency to die on the Enterprise. He does what all regular people would do in the situation of HUGE SHIP PROMISING TO MURDER US -- he freaks a bit.

Kirk also freaks a bit, but in that cool and interesting Kirk manner. My favorite Kirk moments are when he loses control of his emotions, because it's the way in which he does it that's telling. When Bones chastises him making a bad judgment call about Bailey, Kirk snaps at him -- because Bones is irritating, but Bones is also the voice Kirk would rather he could ignore, and that he knows he can't. Later, it's just Kirk's frustration at not being able to save his crew that gets the better of him, if momentarily.

Meanwhile, everybody else is professional to the point of creepy. Sulu's a damn pro, and Yeoman Rand proves she's got ice water for blood. There's five minutes left, the ship's about to be destroyed, and Rand's bringing Kirk coffee because f--k aliens*.

Remember when I was criticizing Kirk for bringing Rand on his Earth 2 away team in "Miri"? Yeah, I was wrong. Rand is the coolest of the cool -- she should be on every security team, carrying the biggest gun, leaning up against a wall while chewing a toothpick and making "I could kill you and it wouldn't bother me" eyes at whoever is giving the captain static. She's also least likely to screw up and get everyone killed.

Anyway, to the point of the episode, Kirk's Corbomite Maneuver, where he stone-cold makes up not only a superweapon, but a bullshit chemical element, and totally bluffs out Balok the Superior Alien. Let's be clear on this: KIRK IS INVENTING SCIENCE ON THE SPOT AND IT'S WORKING BECAUSE THAT'S HOW GOOD HE IS. I think this is what Spock means when he talks about Kirk's illogical chess play.

Balok turns out to be Ron Howard's brother Clint, and it was all a test to see if the humans were bastards. That's cool, if a bit tired, but "Corbomite" gets to the heart of what "Star Trek" is: harrowing, risky, dangerous, but ultimately upbeat and optimistic, supposing the best of all possible universes, rather than the worst. I love that.

Last note: McCoy is my favorite character precisely because of moments like the ones in this episode, and it's awesome that even this early in the show ("Corbomite" was filmed early and was actually the first ep to have McCoy, Spock and Kirk together) he was willing to stand up to Kirk and he had his optimistic, emotional priorities. An early scene has McCoy giving Kirk his quarterly health check, when McCoy spots the alert light blinking on the other side of the room -- and he blows it off. He's just all like, "If I jumped at every alarm, I'd never get anything done." What he means is, "F--k aliens*." This crew rules.

*The crappy aliens, that is.

Here's what we learned from Kirk today:

It's not a lie if you believe it^

Those leg workouts are hard

Showing enemies mercy because it makes you seem even more awesome (futuristic utopia, bitch)

Corbomite

^Actually, that's George Costanza but still.

[startrekintonerdiness-blog]

Dagger of the Mind

Nick We open with a shot that reads “Destination: TANTALUS PENAL COLONY.” Needless to say, I expect big things from this episode.

"Dagger of the Mind" is about mind-wiping, the power of suggestion, and yet another doctor gone mad with power. At this point we have to wonder what happened to Gene Roddenberry as a child that made him so distrustful of the medical profession, Bones notwithstanding.

Today's Deep Question With Gene Roddenberry: What happened to me as a child that made me so distrustful of the medical profession, Bones notwithstanding?

Okay, not really.

Today's Real Deep Question With Gene Roddenberry: What makes a thought, or a memory, real?

The Answer: Well, none of us have a Neural Neutralizer, but Gene seems to be arguing that once a thought is implanted, the brain can't distinguish made-up from reality. If your emotions and actions are the real result of those thoughts and memories, they're real to your mind, and real to you.

What I'm most excited by in this episode, however, is Dr. Helen Noel, the first female character in the series who feels like a real human being, and even seems to deserve the title of heroine.

She frustrated me at first. Another beautiful Girl of the Week, more sexual tension with Kirk. A damsal in distress waiting to happen. She also forcefully and blindly defends Dr. Adams, if only to serve as a sounding board for Kirk's doubts.

Once shit starts to get real, however, Dr. Noel became my favorite part of the the episode. She seems to have real feelings for Kirk, while understanding their priority aboard the Enterprise. Their drunk Christmas Party backstory felt real and plausible. (Except, maybe, for the drunk Christmas Party aboard the Enterprise part. Star Fleet! They're just like us!) Eventually, Kirk springs her loose into the air vents, which, trope not withstanding, made her active. She flips the main power switch to the penal colony, which is also a GIANT power switch to the penal colony, and when a creepy robed occult guy* tries to grab her, she kicks his ass into the power unit's electrified fence.

Step 1 of creepy occult seal making: Include ironic images of peace. Step 2: Stitch that shit on a robe. PRO TIP: Drawn hands are innately creepy.

All of this is made exponentially more cool by what Adams does to Kirk: He convinces him, under the influence of the Neural Neutralizer, that he's in love with Helen and will do anything -- anything -- to be with her. He may even believe that she tantalized his penile colony. They survive the ordeal, of course, but the suggestion is planted in Kirk's mind. Helen and Kirk, it seems, have been cheated out of what real emotion there was between them, and will now have to contend with Kirk's lab-created emo heart.

Man. I got a little excited, there. Mr. Hornshaw, take us out.

Phil

Let's talk about Bones and his full willingness to take on his superior officer in this one.

Up to now, we haven't seen a whole helluva lot out of McCoy (although we did skip "The Man Trap," an episode featuring large Bones... er, a lot of Bones.... McCoy features centrally), other than when he wrings his hands at his failure to diagnose some key medical condition. He's been doing Scotty's job of late -- "I can't do it, we need more time, this is important, he's dead, Jim, yadda yadda yadda." Here we have Bones step up and be a plot driver.

That's because McCoy has his suspicions about the supposed "inmate" that beams up from the Tantalus colony and his serious inability to not look like he's having a constipation seizure every 10 seconds.

Kirk wants to blow it off, but McCoy uses Starfleet regulations basically to force him to investigate the situation. Bones knows Kirk's one weakness -- rule enforcement.

Well, two weakness if you count awkward encounters with female crew with whom he's forgotten he had romantic interactions.

Spock pretends he doesn't have emotions, but you can tell every time this happens that he gets a huge kick out of it.

And then we've got Kirk, who is...kinda bad at captaining this time out. At least the dangerous dude doesn't get on the Enterprise because of idiots this time, but then Kirk straps himself into the evil chair -- and is surprised when Evil Dr. Adams appears and zaps him with it.

C'mon, Kirk. C'mooooon.

Still, Kirk gamely lets his mind get frelled while Noel goes and throws the big power switch, and even after the mad doctor gets zapped, Kirk's humanity shows through, as ever. It's always easy to tell why people follow this guy.

Here's what we learned from Kirk today:

It's best to pretend awkward sexual encounters with people you work with didn't happen

The captain way is to always experiment with the dangerous technology on yourself first

Cool captains follow the rules of established Starfleet log/investigatory protocol

...Not much else, really

[startrekintonerdiness-blog]

Miri

Phil

It's Star Trek: Beyond Thunderdome of the Flies. Logan of the Corn's Run.

Okay, I know standard "Star Trek" science isn't necessarily really something you can break down -- we're talking about science fiction here, after all, and a lot of this crap is just made up. But... well, I'm just having trouble following this one.

The Enterprise finds an Earth-like distress signal "hundreds of light years" from Earth, and Kirk is all like, "that's unpossible." And so they go check it out and it turns out they found Another Earth.

Like, a second Earth. A copy of the original Earth. Way far away from Earth.

The crew discovers that it's a copy of Earth and they're kinda like, "That's weird," and then no one mentions it again.

Listen, Gene, I lost our set in a poker game, but we do have this great back lot covered in garbage that no one's using....

So the away team beams down to check out Earth 2, and in so doing, contract a fatal disease. Yup, that's right -- the captain, the first officer, the doctor and Yeoman Rand leave the ship with no precautions and contract a deadly disease.

Wait a second, Yeoman Rand? Since when is she essential personnel for an exploration mission? In fact, what the hell is a yeoman?

yeo·man

 noun \ˈyō-mən\

: an officer in the U.S. Navy who works as a clerk

Three of the senior staff ... and Kirk's clerk. Previously seen to be in charge of such important endeavors and delivering Kirk the ship's manifest.

Speaking of Kirk, I thought the guy was supposed to be a lady's man -- so how is it that he doesn't realize the budding young woman Miri he encounters on Earth 2 is totally into him?

He even has a slightly weird moment as he and the others are discussing Miri. Kirk suggests humans might naturally be drawn to authority figures; both Spock, Bones and Rand are very much like, "Ooooooorrrrrrrrr...."

That's a weird level of oblivious.

It all culminates in Kirk's desperate bid to get back the communicators from the 300-year-old Children of the Corn, with one of his patented Don't You Have Any Sense?! speeches. And once again, Kirk masterfully convinces former enemies of his noble intentions. This guy could sell dirt to worms.

Here's what we learned from Kirk today:

Humans might naturally be drawn to letting Kirk tell them what to do

No fraternizing with the staff

Always send all your best people to the totally unknown planet

No blah blah blah!

Nick

Man, this is a kitchen sink episode from the Star Trek writers room. I wonder if they were adding new people due to success, or throwing shit at the wall for fear of cancellation. Maybe neither. In any case, we begin with the Exact Copy of Earth Trope (although kudos to them for going eight whole episodes without it), then get the No-Adults Kids-Only Society Trope, the Slow Aging Trope, and even get a little Captain Kirk absent father guilt thrown in for good measure.

So today’s, uh…Deep Question with Gene Roddenberry: Jeez. Let’s go with “What happens when kids have to fend for themselves in an adult-free world?”

The Answer: WRONG

Listen, I’m on board with most of these ideas. I’ll even leave it up to ol’ Gene to decide how many should go into a single episode. But I do not buy that after 300 years, these kids would still be playing hide-and-seek and crawling around in the dried-out husk of their dead society.

Age is developmental, but it’s not only physical. It’s experience. After 300 years, even the eleven and under crowd would form some sort of societal hierarchy and carve out the means to survive. These kids aren’t acting like human beings, they’re acting like their parents are three hours late to pick them up from latchkey.

In happier news, this episode marks the beginning of some new contaminant protocols aboard the Enterprise. Once Kirk, McCoy, Rand and the rest of Away Team are infected with the adults-only disease, Kirk won’t allow anyone to beam up or vice versa. Live and learn, eh, Jim?

Nice, uh...dirt.

As a added bonus, the Girl of the Week isn’t a sex pot for a change. We know this because she’s wearing a flower dress, and also because she’s 12. Doesn’t stop Kirk from being a tad creepy on first encounter. Doesn’t matter the age: Disarm the woman with a compliment about her looks! Gets ‘em every time.

[startrekintonerdiness-blog]

What Are Little Girls Made Of?

Nick I'm flying solo today, on account of Phil is on a sub-starship from England back to LA as I type.

Despite the episode's title and women going 2/2 in scantily outfits, I'm going to keep my feminist critiques to a minimum after my "Mudd's Women" rant.

Today's Deep Question With Gene Roddenberry: Do androids dream of electric love?

The Answer: Do they ever.

We learn that Nurse Christine evidently gave up "a career in bio research" in order to join the crew of a Starship. Why is that? Is bio research not a thing they do aboard the Enterprise? Do you need 5 or more years of experience having a penis to apply?

Did I say to a minimum? Okay, I'm done.

Kirk and Nurse Christine beam down to a freezing planet to meet renowned scientist, Doctor Roger Korby, to whom Christine was once engaged. Strange things are soon afoot, which we know because two red shirts die almost immediately.

In essence, Korby discovered Android cloning technology left behind by the planet's previous inhabitants. His #2, his sexy maven sidekick, and his giant lackey are all Robots In Disguise. Christine rather hilariously implies that Korby has been porking Andrea The Android, to which Korby replies "She only follows orders. She has no need." Seems like admission by avoidance to me, Doctor.

Even if he has been sticking it into her electrical socket, the big twist is pretty obvious from the early goings: Korby, too, is an Android. The doctor transferred his consciousness into an Android duplicate to evade death and he's passing the life-saving possibilities onto youuuuu!

Yadda yadda, you can't fix humans by removing their humanity, yadda yadda, Kirk and Christine return safely to the Enterprise after all the Androids die.

Things of note:

The Android Duplication Machine is a spinning merry-go-round with straps. If this were applicable Science, my washer and dryer way more impressive. Thanks, Science.

The raw materials for Androids are goo husks. [pictured]

Ruk, Dr. Korby's giant lackey, looks like a combination of a Goomba from SUPER MARIO BROS. THE MOVIE and Martian Manhunter:

+

=

Ruk can duplicate voices, a skill that is established and then has almost no bearing on the plot.

Here's what we learned from Kirk today:

Sultry kisses can override an Android's logic circuits

Sherry Jackson, god damn

Never underestimate your greatest asset: The barrel roll

Penis rock

[startrekintonerdiness-blog]

Mudd's Women

Nick We continue our march through feminism (as well as over feminism) with MUDD'S WOMEN. Perhaps, at this point, letters from suffragettes were beginning to pour in, and Roddenberry decided to make an episode that is overtly about, as opposed to accidentally about, feminism. I'm not sure it works out in his favor.

Today's Deep Question with Gene Roddenberry: What makes a woman? More on point: What makes an ATTRACTIVE woman?

The Answers: Confidence and/or space-made pharmaceuticals.

After chasing an unknown Class-J cargo ship into an asteroid field, Kirk uses the Enterprise's shields to save the fleeing ship from certain doom. Before it explodes, Scotty beams aboard a space pimp musketeer with a Leprechaun accent, and also his cargo: Three gorgeous women.

Their gowns are red, green and blue, respectively, and the women have an immediate and "inexplicable" effect on the male members of the crew. One explanation: blood isn't meant to drain the brain that quickly. I suspect that this set up (the dresses and the effect of the women, both) was a subconscious parable about your BRAND NEW COLOR TV, a product still being propagated in the mid-60s. Just look:

You're transfixed by the television! But you can't quite explain why...

After a questionably one-sided "trial" conducted by the ship's senior crew and a lie-detecting computer, Leprechaun Pimp is locked up and the women with the inexplicable effect on male crew members are allowed free run of the ship. What's the worst that could happen? We also learn that RGB aren't as hot as they're cracked up to be. Leprechaun Pimp is keeping them young and sensual with some kind of space drug.

An aside: Lest we forget that The Enterprise and its crew are The Man. If not for the dripping feminist critiques, today's Deep Question would have been: Who's to say what makes the law in the boundless reaches of space? Where does the Federation's jurisdiction begin and end? Kirk and Spock are fucking narcs, you guys.

Phil In defense of Kirk and Spock, that was, like, the most illegal ship. Nothing about that thing was up to code. Leprepimp broke every law, according to the lie-detector computer.

It was basically this scene.

Anyway, since Nick's got the story's awkward "There are no men and we need husbands!" angle under control, I guess I can talk about something a little more technical: the Enterprise's incredibly shoddy level of basic redundancy and long-term planning.

Yet again, I feel we have to blame Scotty for this. The big stakes of the episode are the fact that, in saving Leprepimp's ship, the Enterprise burned out its extremely important lithium crystal circuits, which are responsible for routing power to the entire ship. Eventually, the Enterprise needs more crystals.

Okay, so -- MacGuffin? Yes. But seemingly really easy to solve situation for any ship actually serving in space? Also yes.

Scotty ought to have, you know, backups. It's only four fist-sized crystals. But Scotty never seems to have backups of anything. Like, ever. There have got to be situations in which, upon burning out lithium crystals, the Enterprise would just find itself DEAD IN SPACE, right? I mean, sure, there's battery power, but if you're too far away from stuff, that's all she wrote. Again, Scotty, you're basically responsible for the near-deaths of 400 people because of your negligence. This is, like, the sixth time. And there have only been six episodes.

I think it's time to think seriously about whether Scotty is a secret drunk.

Fun side note: According to Memory Alpha, the all-knowing "Star TreK" wiki from which I gather a lot of information, Trek writers went ahead and abandoned the idea of lithium power crystals later on in the evolution of the show -- because lithium is, you know, real and shit. And people know what it's properties are. And that probably makes it hard to make things up and pretend it's sciency.

In "Star TreK: The Next Generation," the writers went ahead and made up a new power crystal element: dilithium. I think the moral here is clear: science is a lot easier when you're making things up. I know it's easier for me.

Back to Nick and the spacebrides.

Nick Any way, Leprepimp's plan all along was to sell RGB to the lonely miners on Rygar 12. Kirk would put a stop to this, only now the Enterprise needs the very crystals the bride-starved Rygar 12 miners mine! The miners refuse to provide the crystals without the women, forcing Kirk to become the pimp he so desperately wants to turn in to teacher.

--WARP AHEAD--

During an awkward scene of "domestic bliss," Eve (Red) shows Childress, her miner-husband-to-be, she is useful because she cooks well and knows how to sandblast dirty pots. Childress grumbles any way because Eve has grown homely and is "bad company." Women, ammiright? Kirk and Mudd return and tell Childress that Eve's stopped taking the "Venus drugs." Mudd explains that the drugs "give you more of what you have." This means, in his words, that men become more muscular, and women become more feminine. OF COURSE -- that's truly what's inside our simple conception of each gender.

To make a point, I guess, Eve takes the drugs and -- TA-DA! -- they also do her hair and make-up. See that? Hot Eve is fake. A by-produce of space-drugs.

BUT NOT JUST FAKE: Kirk reveals that Eve has just eaten colored gelatin. Placebos! The only difference between Homely Eve and Hot Eve is confidence. Suddenly, Childress is again interested in his mail-order bride.

Wait, huh?

If it hadn't already, this is where the episode's attempt at good-natured feminism falls flat for me. So when Eve was confident, she made for a sex kitten, and when she wasn't, she was only good at dumb stuff like cooking and cleaning? Didn't it take more confidence to stop taking the drugs and go about life as she really looked? Either way, her list of definable attributes range roughly from House Wife Skills to Trophy Wife Skills. Well, gee-golly. Sky's the limit if you believe in yourself!

Never mind the fact that a gelatin pill just magically did her hair and makeup. Someone tell Bill Cosby he's about to be rich.

To recap, here's what we learned from Kirk today:

Make up your own science

You don't need to be awesome as long as you're confident, as well as demonstrably awesome in some unseen way (awesomeness is a prerequisite, though)(kitchen know-how counts as awesomeness)

Kirk is the law

TV makes you do ... dumb things ...?

[startrekintonerdiness-blog]

The Enemy Within

Nick

Today's Deep Question with Gene Roddenberry: What makes a man? See also: Does being a good leader also require you to be one-part dick?

The Answers: Yes.

Unfortunately, what I really want to know is: What is the function of the glowing rainbow disco orbs on the front of the Enterprise engines? If the answer isn't "Makes would-be attackers feel like dancin'," color me disappointed (and also rainbow).

Brace yourselves, would-be Trekkie Trekker*: This episode contains ample doses of Dog In A Furry Unicorn Costume. It is also kicked off, per usual, with a horrifying lack of anti-contaminant protocol. Right off the bat, some red shirt n00b on the away team gets his hand crushed by some angry rocks. (Side note: They show blood! I mean, it's stage blood, but it's blood. Is that allowed on TV?) Covered in unexamined, unidentified space rock dust, n00b is sent back aboard the Enterprise Sick Bay. If I told you that the space rock dust would cause the transporter to malfunction, would that make me the captain of your ship?

Well, it does. The transporter, I mean. Soon, Kirk beams aboard, slightly woozy, and his Evil Double beams aboard seconds later. It seems Kirk's "good half" and his "evil half" have been split into two separate people. I never learned about good and evil molecules in high school chemistry. Someone get me up to speed on the applicable Science.

Hey, I just now realized that Captains Logs are past tense. Kinda takes some of the inherent drama out of the show, does it not? "Captain's Log: I survive everything you're about to see, so, ya know. Don't worry."

At least here, Spock is recording the log, which does call Kirk's survival chances into question. Moreover, it calls into question his ability to lead, which is the recurring theme of the episode. The longer Kirk is split in two, the more Good Kirk loses his gumption and decision-making abilities, and the more Evil Kirk loses compassion for his fellow man.

I think that's what Evil Kirk loses, any way. His first act as an independent entity is to steal brandy from Sick Bay (there's brandy in Sick Bay?) and attempt to violently rape Yeoman Rand. I don't know what Yeoman Rand's job is aboard the Enterprise, but thus far it seems to be "Stand by to endure sexual assault."

In order to prevent killing himself, Kirk gives a shaky order: SET PHASERS TO STUNNING. Yes, the first spoken instance of our book's namesake. Maybe we should start a count. Phil, maybe you should start a count.

As Evil Kirk stalks about the ship and Good Kirk loses his balls, Sulu and the rest of the away team gradually freeze to death aboard the planet. They can't be beamed up since the Creating Evil Doubles indicator light is illuminated on the transporter control panel.

From here there are epic staring contests, some scratches on the wrong sides of faces, and more appearances of aforementioned Dog In A Furry Unicorn Costume. Phil? Take us away. Err, Warp 1. Am I doing this right?

*-Phil

Phil

So yeah, I love this one. Evil doubles are always a possibility on "Star Trek," and with them come philosophical entanglements. Also some amazing Kirkfaces.

We also get a real sense of the kind of man Spock is, even as we're seeing a study in Kirk with his two equally important parts separated from one another. Spock has a chance to take command of the Enterprise -- he's seen that Kirk is probably unfit for duty, and that he's deteriorating fast. The situation could get worse. So what does Spock do?

Good Guy Spock takes Kirk aside and says, "Dude, what're you doing." He doesn't immediately get all "You're a danger and I need to take the Enterprise from you." I feel like this is a key difference between Kirk and Spock in TOS and the kind of Kirk and Spock we get in the newfangled movies. But we can rant about those another time.

What is up with that unicorn dog, for real?

So mostly the thing of this episode is tracking down the impostor and fixing the transporters before Sulu and pals freeze, as Nick mentioned, and this strikes me as a strange thing to be worried about. Like...if those guys are going to die and all they have for warmth are heated up rocks and what looks like a parachute from gym class, why not just risk the doubling, lock them all up in the brig, and fix the transporter in the meantime? Surely it's better to have 12 doubles than six dead crewmen.

Although maybe it's Sulu's casual demeanor (he's constantly ordering room service -- haha, great joke, Sulu) that tricks Kirk into thinking the whole freezing to death thing isn't a big deal. After all, they're only in MINUS TWO MILLION-DEGREE WEATHER or something absurd.

The episode boils down to intellect winning out over emotion as Good Kirk and Evil Kirk finally reunite. It's interesting that Evil Kirk isn't just the aggressive tendencies, either -- he's self-preservation, he's cowardice, he's basically All The Emotions. That elevates the whole Jekyll-Hyde thing pretty significantly into something more primal; Kirk is more than just his brain or just his gut, as it were.

Anyway, I'm not really sure what Yeoman Rand's job is either, other than to create elaborate hair weaves while she sits around in her quarters.

Here's what we learned from Kirk today:

Never show weakness to the crew, even if they might have a right to know that there's another you running around, threatening sexual assault and physical bodily harm

Your baser instincts are important for decision-making and are awesome at drinking

When in doubt, test unstable technology on small alien animals; be sure to take into account any effect the hot glue might have on said technology

Sick bay has a full bar and it'll do in a pinch

I wanna live!

[startrekintonerdiness-blog]

The Five-Year Mission

Nick has ridiculous questions, Phil has reasonable facsimiles of answers.

Nick:  "Five-Year Mission," huh? I have some questions: When did it begin? How far into the five years does the show begin? Five years based on what calendar? How do they keep track of Earth years aboard the Enterprise? Do they account for space travel and warp speed time dilation? What happens after the five years are up? Where is the Enterprise in relationship to Earth? Wouldn't it take them five years just to get back? If the Federation was truly interested in a scientific approach, wouldn't they send hundreds of "five-year missions" all across the Universe? How many are there? What’s the rate of ships that make it back? Are they supposed to make it back? What's the survival rate of crewmembers? What's the compensation for families of the deceased? Are the missions pre-determined, or does Kirk just kinda fly until he finds trouble? Who's driving this boat? WHAT GEAR ARE YOU IN?

Phil: Okay, so:

When did it begin? How far into the five years does the show begin? It started -- I dunno, sometime between the end of Pike’s command of the Enterprise and the start of Kirk’s. And from what I’ve read, this is not the only five-year mission -- it’s kind of common, given that Starfleet’s mandate is exploration and whatnot. Anyway, it’s pretty near to the beginning, one must assume.

Five years based on what calendar? How do they keep track of Earth years aboard the Enterprise? They keep track of Earth time with the stardate chart, and the ship has a chronometer that measures ship time relative to outside time on the bridge, like we saw in “The Naked Time.” Remember, it had a time travel indicator apparently.

Do they account for space travel and warp speed time dilation? Yes, pretty sure they account for time dilation.

Where is the Enterprise in relationship to Earth? Wouldn't it take them five years just to get back? The Enterprise is all over the place in relationship to Earth, but if you really want to break down the math, I’ve read that the distance to the edge of the galaxy -- where the Enterprise is in “Where No Man Has Gone Before” -- would take the Enterprise about 2.5ish years to reach at the maximum starship velocity envisioned by Gene Roddenberry when he was pitching the show -- which is (if I remember correctly) like 0.73 light years per hour. So no, it doesn’t take them that long to get back to Earth. Or maybe. I dunno. Warp drive.

What happens after the five years are up? How many are there? What’s the rate of ships that make it back? Starfleet has sent out five-year missions before and continues to after the Enterprise’s, I believe, but not hundreds. Starfleet is an exploration operation, but it’s also a fleet of peacekeeping ships. Also remember that this era has tension with the Klingon Empire, so not everyone can just blast off and go exploring shit. Somebody’s gotta worry about keeping Klingons out of the Federation. I dunno how many there are or how many make it back. It’s a Starfleet so probably a few.

Are they supposed to make it back? Yes, they’re supposed to make it back. Supposedly the Enterprise has enough food for its 430-member crew for five years.

What's the survival rate of crewmembers? What's the compensation for families of the deceased? The survival rate of the crew? Their pay? Dude, I dunno. You know this is a TV show, right?

Hell, though, I bet if we took track of everyone who dies and measured it against the 430 figure, the rate would be “kinda crap.”

Are the missions pre-determined, or does Kirk just kinda fly until he finds trouble? The five-year mission is basically a mandate to do whatever. Kirk still receives orders from Starfleet to go check crap out and help folks and whatnot -- like in “The Naked Time,” for example -- but basically the five-year mission part is just an overarching thing. “When not shooting folks, getting crew killed by space madness or picking people up off exploding planets, feel free to fly around, talk to aliens, and travel through time.”

Who's driving this boat? WHAT GEAR ARE YOU IN? You know we have the Internet and that there are people whose “Star Trek” lore nerd cred surpasses my own, right?

[startrekintonerdiness-blog]

The Naked Time

Phil

Okay, the Enterprise's away team protocols are just out of control stupid.

"The Naked Time" starts with Spock and one Lt. Joe Tormolen heading down to the dying planet Psi 2000, where they find a survey team there has perished. The Enterprise's mission was to pick up the guys studying the planet, then hang out nearby as Psi 2000 exploded or ripped itself apart or something, which is something that seems to happen a lot in the universe of "Star Trek."

The away team arrives on the super-cold planet to discover the survey team is all dead, and dead in weird ways -- one guy is frozen in the shower, another guy looks like he just put his head down and let himself freeze to death, still others are murdered or seem to have killed themselves. Something weird is going on.

Now, here's the kicker: Spock and Joe appear to be wearing futuristic hazmat suits when they arrive. They look an awful lot like sparkly clean suits, anyway. It covers all their skin:

Okay, so item No. 1: it's weird that the helmet doesn't seal. Guess we'll chalk that up to the wardrobe department's budget having been blown on those gold thread inlays, leaving them short on thread.

But then Joe takes off his glove. On a strange planet, where a bunch of strange deaths have just strangely occurred, and when visiting which he is wearing a full-body (mostly) sealed suit.

Are you kidding me, Enterprise?

Of course, Joe gets infected with whatever the folks on Psi 2000 wound up contracting. He's clearly shaken by his time on the planet when he's being checked out after returning to the ship. Kirk, reading Joe's attitude, intuits, "You keep wondering if mankind was meant to be out here."

Whoa, Kirk, what? That's a leap and a weirdly troubling approach for a guy who's responsibility is to protect the lives of about 400 space travelers. 

Also, there's an off-hand suggestion of space madness -- which should clearly be everyone's biggest concern at all times. People just go crazy while in space, which you are. 

Meanwhile, we've got Dr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy, back in action after not being a part of the re-pilot, "Where No Man Has Gone Before." Bones is probably my favorite part of TOS, but he's kind of a racist dick when it comes to Spock. "Your temperature's all crazy and you call that green s--t blood, f--k you, you pointy-eared bastard, go back to your own planet and stop taking all our human science officer jobs." (Note: dramatization.)

Real professional, Bones.

Spock shrugs it off because he's Spock, but Kirk, your silence in the face of Bones' racism is tantamount to approval, dude. Do they not do sensitivity training in Starfleet?

Joe continues to act strangely and seems to lose all his confidence, spiraling into a diatribe about how humanity doesn't belong in space because it can't breathe in a vacuum (whoa, Kirk f--kin' nailed it; that dude can see into people's souls). After finally losing it, he goes nuts in the Enterprise mess, grabbing a butter knife and threatening first Sulu and the helmsman O'Reilly, and then himself. A struggle ensues, and Joe winds up stabbed (by a butter knife, which even in the future has got to be like five shades shy of even remotely possible); O'Reilly and Sulu wind up infected with whatever Joe has. (You know they're infected because they keep trying to wipe something invisible off their hands, and get really upset about it.)

Back to Joe, who gets taken to sick bay. Bones easily treats him because butter knives are pretty much totally not dangerous, but Joe dies anyway. He seems to just give up. Bones is confused.

Elsewhere on the ship, stuff's getting weirder. Sulu gets all sweaty and abandons the helm to do some fencing -- and immediately the infection manifests in him as a desire to be a pirate. Shirtless and glistening, Sulu harasses a number of people with his epee. George Takei has said "The Naked Time" is his favorite episode, and it's easy to say why: I imagine the direction here was, "Act like a crazy bad-ass," and he easily obliged.

Up to now, Kirk is mostly just bemused by the insanity. After all, he's been focused on keeping the ship in shape as the Enterprise prepares to watch a planet explode, which is, like, dangerous.

Then things get problematic: O'Reilly somehow takes over the engine room because Scotty is, like everyone, completely inept.

Three quick things to note here: 1. The most important place on the ship was easily taken over by a guy who basically just left a frat party on a Saturday night; 2. You can apparently lock doors on the Enterprise in such a way as to prevent anyone getting back through them; 3. Scotty cuts the wrong circuits trying to open the door.

While Scotty's trying to get back into the engine room so that the Enterprise isn't pulled into an exploding planet, Spock loses control of his emotions when Nurse Chapel confesses she loves him. Kirk finally track Spock down for help with some matter-anti-matter physics thing for the engine, and there's only one way to deal with the situation:

Slap the s--t out of him.

Spock comes around as Kirk starts to lose his own cool, and we get another interesting look into the stress the guy has to deal with. He also hints at the fact that only thing he really loves, really really, is his role as captain and the chance at exploration it affords him. It's an interesting counterpoint to Joe's earlier freak-out about who's meant to explore what and which species' eyes will bleed in a vacuum and whatnot.

With Scotty and Spock joining forces to get the engines back up and running with the formula for implosion, the Enterprise narrowly escapes destruction. Bones cures everyone as the ship rockets backward through time. You know it's going backward through time because the light on the console is red and not green. Good thinking, whoever installed that red "time travel" LED.

Still, I can definitely see why Takei counts "The Naked Time" among his favorites; it's one of mine as well. When "Star Trek" lets itself be a little goofy, good times are had by all.

Nick

For an episode called “The Naked Time,” it contains a disappointing lack of nudity. Unless you count ripped, sweating Mr. Sulu running through the halls with a sword. Hey, which came out first: This, or the Roger Ebert-penned BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS? (I’m not explaining this reference. Google it, lazies.)

What the episode should have been called is “Space Madness,” which, coincidentally, is my favorite ride at Disney Land. Even though it’s eventually revealed that the madness has been caused by mutated water molecules (acting as some kind of Super Booze), the central thematic question Roddenberry asks is deep: “Do humans belong in space?” After all, what with life support systems and radiation hulls, there are a million and one safety barriers in place just to make human space exploration possible. And crew members still die by the dozen.

However, this deep thematic question is undercut by the fact that it is voiced by “Joe,” who begins the episode’s troubles with a shocking display of incompetence. On an unknown planet, in a room full of frozen dead people, he takes off his glove and rubs his face. The crew of Prometheus wasn't even that dumb.

I was also surprised to learn that the Enterprise hazmat suits were designed by Lady GaGa. She's way older than I thought.

The drama that follows doubles as a means to reveal some of the foibles and deep-laden flaws of many central crew members. Spock even cries -- and I mean this in the most democratic way possible -- like a little bitch. HE'S GOT HUMAN PARTS IN THERE!

Turns out, though, that the whole episode was a just complicated device to introduce the idea that the Enterprise and its crew can travel back in time and, when they eventually use that ability as a plot device, it will be established and therefore okay. Duly noted.*

To recap, here's what we learned from Kirk today:

You've gotta hold on to what you've got

It doesn't even matter if you make it or not

Like humans, you can snap a Vulcan out of his hysteria by slapping him; five or six should do it

It's not racism if the dude's a f--kin' Vulcan

Space madness

*Gonna keep that time travel thing in the back pocket. You know, just in case.

[startrekintonerdiness-blog]

Where No Man Has Gone Before

"I think I ate too many brownies."

Nick

Let’s paint a scene: “Star Trek” opened with an episode called “The Man Trap,” in which an alien posing as McCoy’s ex-flame sucks the salt from male crewmembers. It followed that up with the oft-rapey “Charlie X,” and through the Netflix looking glass I see the following upcoming episode titles:

“Where No Man Has Gone Before”

“The Naked Time”

“Mudd’s Women”

“What Are Little Girls Made Of?”

Gee, Phil, I’m beginning to worry about gender politics in whatever era these were made.

After receiving a distress signal from a 200-year-old ship and bringing its blackbox aboard (which contained exactly zero beers), Captain Kirk meets the ship’s department heads on the bridge. Of particular import is the sexy but sophisticated Dr. Dehner, the head of… Psychiatry, apparently. Is that a department? Any way, she recently joined the ship’s crew, which is never a good sign. Someone should really tell her she’s probably going to die by the end of the episode.

She zings Lt. Mitchell, who then calls her a “walking freezer unit.” If this episode had Smell-O-Vision, the scent would be dank, musky sexual tension.

Spock interprets the black box device from the long-dead ship and determines that after encountering an “unknown force,” the captain began researching ESP, nearly everyone died, and ship self-destructed. If “Charlie X” didn’t sate you, looks like we’re in for another hour of weird brain powers!

Shortly thereafter, the Enterprise flies through a weird, purple space cloud, because Rule #1 of investigating distress signals is to recreate that dead ship’s mistakes, posthaste. Notably, Spock pronounces “Deflectors” and “Sensors” like they’re dinosaurs. I would like to meet these Deflec Tors and Sensaurs.

The Purple Haze fries the ship’s electronics and causes -- you guessed it -- both Dehner and Mitchell to pass out. Four men attend to Dehner. One woman attends to Mitchell. Chivalry! When he comes to, Mitchell’s eyes turn into Men In Black space marbles.

Now the Enterprise is running on “impulse power only,” which is appropriate given how impulsive it was to fly into The Purple Haze for no reason.

From here, Dehner recovers, but Mitchell is kept in sick bay as his ESP powers accelerate. He’s soon reading books at a rate of pages at a time and making his water cup float across the room to him. Seems handy. This is coupled with the slow but inevitable building of musky sexual tension between he and Dehner.

One of my favorite things about this middle part of this episode is that Mitchell’s ever-present EKG heartbeat is represented not by a beep, but a low bass sound. It doubles as an eerie ambiance as he transforms from Gary Mitchell, Man, into Gary Mitchell, Esper Demigod. Great touch.

WNMHGB really hits you over the head with Spock’s “I don’t feel, all I know is logic” bit. In fact, that is a direct quote from Spock himself. It seems kind of obvious now, but it’s still cool to see where his culturally prevalent characterization was first established. Early and often, Spock encourages Kirk, an old college buddy of Mitchell’s, to kill the lieutenant before he becomes too powerful. Damn your logical black heart, Spock!

Conveniently, the ship drifts near Delta Vega, a planet with an abandoned power station. The plan du jour: Recharge the ship’s engines and power sources, whilst marooning Esper Mitchell. Mitchell, of course, senses this plan and begins to go mad with power, so Kirk and Spock take him down with a kidney punch / suplex combo. The Rock, Paper, Scissors of space seems to be Wits, Punches, Brain Powers.

Hey, how is Mitchell unconscious and standing up when he gets beamed to Delta Vega? I’m really asking you.

The power station on the planet surface is made using an amazing power station matte painting background. I want it in my living room. I’m really loving the VFX of this show so far. I mean that honestly. It’s often impressive.

They toss Mitchell into a nice-looking motel room with an electrified forcefield door. Once they’re out of there, they’re gonna blow the whole site from orbit! After Dehner announces that she’s staying behind with Crazy Eyes, Mitchell starts to murder people from INSIDE his electrified door chamber. Have you met Lt. Kelso? Yeah, he’s dead now.

Dehner gets crazy eyes, too! Mitchell escapes and he takes Dehner to go live as two gods who may make this planet in their own image. Mitchell makes plants appear with his brain. Enter: Kirk, who, as the captain and Mitchell’s dear, old friend, has to end this shit himself. Shatner gets to make his very first Dramatic Kirk Speech, arguing that gods need compassion above all else and attempting to appeal to Dehner’s remaining humanity:  “You were a psychiatrist once!” Like, a few hours ago!

Mitchell uses his brain power to make Kirk kneel and pray to him, in a scene that surely shocked parents of the late ‘60s. The allegory is dripping. Dehner intervenes. She and Mitchell psyonic blast one another to near unconsciousness. Kirk and Mitchell fight to the death. Kirk uses his ray gun to bury Mitchell in the very grave he dug for Kirk.

Dehner dies, too. I told you someone should have warned her. What will become of the Enterprise Psychiatry department?

Phil

Okay, okay, okay. First of all -- can we talk about the Enterprise’s completely bullshit protocol for potential contaminants and potentially dangerous space phenomena? Is there even one? Don’t worry, this is something we’re going to talk about A LOT.

So as the Enterprise prepares to probe outside of the galaxy, they’re shocked to find a weird Earth object that turns out to be, as mentioned, the ship’s black box. First, note that they have NO GODDAMN IDEA what the thing is UNTIL THEY BEAM IT ABOARD. Remember when that happened on “Battlestar Galactica?” Here’s the result:

If that’s not clear enough, I’ll just tell you -- EVERYONE DIED FROM A SPACE DISEASE.

So not only does Kirk “risk” beaming the box aboard knowing nothing about it other than its size and general composition, he then takes the information found within it -- namely, that another ship did what the Enterprise is about to do and then BLEW UP -- and decides to do the exact same thing. Because, you know, gotta figure it out for the next ship! I understand the exploration mandate, but hell, scan the weird purple cloud before flying directly into it, maybe.

Worth noting that the “flying into the weird space thing to see what it is” results in nine crew members’ deaths.

Okay, I know: plot contrivances. This is not a show about cautiously examining scientific phenomena. This episode, it’s a show about getting blasted by some kind of gamma radiation and turning into a supervillain.

That’s two god-like former humans in as many episodes, and it’s interesting that the pair present two different takes on the crew. Of course, “Where No Man Has Gone Before” was originally the second pilot of the show, Nick -- there was “The Cage” with Pike that was rejected by NBC, and then this one was the new pilot. And it appears out of order, at least on Netflix, so I dunno. But at least that explains a few of the slightly out-of-step elements -- Spock’s EXTREME Vulcanness and slightly off-kilter background info, for example, as well as the ugly yellow Star Fleet sweater that looks like his mom made it.

We quickly get into a situation in which Gary Mitchell is going all Flowers for Algernon, and of course, that means he goes all evil. It’s an interesting concept in some ways, given the crew as we know them. Kirk is reluctant to deal with his clearly horrifically evil former friend, which is par for the Kirk course.

Meanwhile, Spock lays on the bloodlust, and I kind of find it interesting that “logic” also includes “leaping directly to worst-case scenario conclusions,” which he does A LOT in this one. Spock wants to kill Mitchell before he becomes too powerful and too removed from his humanity, and that makes a degree of sense -- if you assume a whole helluva lot of outside factors, not the least of which is the fact that Mitchell will retain no affection for his former friends after he’s too smart for them.

I mean, hell, in general most of us are smarter than children and dogs and whatnot, but that doesn’t mean we just up and murder them when we get bored of their antics.

I almost feel like Spock’s counsel in this instance stops Kirk from really getting a chance to reason with potential villains, as he’s pretty good at doing (we’ll see it soon, in fact). The department heads are talking about dispatching Mitchell almost immediately upon his power boost, and Mitchell is aware of it just as quickly. So Kirk never gets a chance to go, “Hey, Mitchell, you’re all getting superpowered and stuff, but we’re friends, what do you think we ought to do here? It’s not “murder everyone,” is it? Please?”

Mitchell never becomes a benevolent god, but is that because of who Mitchell becomes, or because Spock’s plan was always to off him?

Anyway, some other interesting things about Kirk’s backstory here: Mitchell calls him “a stack of books with legs” when he was at the academy, mentions that Kirk was a tough teacher as a lieutenant, and talks about how he paid a woman to “distract” Kirk (so he’d give easier grades, I guess?) and KIRK ALMOST MARRIED HER.*

Kirk was a huge nerd, guys. That’s amazing.

Finally, the episode ends with a super-dramatic fight that’s simply awesome. Kirk does his patented judo chops, executes an unnecessary combat roll in order to take a shot with his phaser rifle at Mitchell, and the whole thing ends with a foam rock trapping Mitchell in the grave he dug with his mind. The rock happens to fit perfectly in the grave. Talk about lucky, Kirk. (Upon rewatching, I realized Mitchell even scopes the rock ahead of time, planning to use it on Kirk. So at least it’s set up.)

To recap, here’s what we learned from Kirk today:

Eh, beam it aboard, what could happen

Well, we have to figure out what killed the LAST guys, so let’s replicate exactly what happened to them with no regard for our own safety

Summary execution or exile of someone you don’t understand is okay if you’re afraid of them

Stay in school

Play chess “illogically”** and it’ll confuse computers and computer-like aliens

*A clear rip-off of Tyrion Lannister. --Nick

**Still trying to figure out what that even means in terms of chess.

[startrekintonerdiness-blog]

Charlie X

Nick

Alright, so we skipped the Captain Pike pseudo-pilot, and the Captain Kirk pilot, mostly because I watched those earlier this year and wanted to start with something fresh. We’ll circle back at some point. But really, I don’t think we could have started in a better place. Charlie X is chocabloc with manly space lessons about women, adolescence and fatherhood.

The episode gets right to its namesake: Two members of The Antares bring seventeen-year-old Charlie Evans aboard. Evidently, everyone on Charlie’s colony died when he was three, and he survived alone for 14 years, learning to speak from “memory tapes.” Creepy stares immediately indicate that something’s not right with Charlie.

Kirk offers the men of The Antares to stay and watch “entertainment tapes,” a moment that is immediately followed by Charlie being shocked at the sight of a real, live woman. Suffice it to say, sex is at a premium in the cold, lonely confines of space.

In only his second interaction with Yeoman Rand, Charlie slaps her ass goodbye. She chalks it up to hermit ignorance and says that maybe he should ask Kirk why the act was inappropriate, in a classic “Maybe you should ask your father” moment.

Kirk asks Spock, who I’m sure was a totally normal half-Vulcan teenager, to, uh, teach Charlie about adolescence. I guess those memory tapes Charlie found on the corpses of his family didn’t mention anything about “Your Changing Body and You.” McCoy tells Kirk he should talk to the kid – clearly Charlie’s in need of a father figure. Kirk silently reflects on the spacebabies he has no doubt left scattered across the Universe.

Our very first Star Trek musical number! Spock plays a space mandolin! Lieutenant Uhura sings! I imagine this is either a byproduct of the period’s emerging Disco craze, or racist.

Charlie shows Yeoman Rand and company some creepy card tricks. Apparently he’s read “The Game.”

Kirk tells who I presume is the chef that today is Thanksgiving on Earth and to make sure the synthetic meatloaf looks like turkey. Not pictured: The chef slamming the communicator into the prep counter and weeping: Yet another impossible demand from his eccentric captain.

Kirk then struggles to explain to Charlie why slapping a woman is wrong, as if he can’t quite figure out a way to say, “It’s okay if she asks you to do it. If, ya know, she’s into that kind of thing.” Shit starts to get weird when The Antares, the ship Charlie came from, is destroyed. More shockingly, the synthetic meatloaf has turned into REAL turkey! Thanksgiving is never again mentioned the rest of the episode.

Spock expresses concerns about “the boy” to Kirk over a game of Space Chess. It’s just like regular chess, only more complicated, because the one thing regular chess always lacked was complexity. Kirk wins due to his “illogical” approach. ***SERIES FORESHADOWING***

Charlie, on the other hand, gets his ass handed to him by Spock in about half a move. Charlie pouts and melts a few of the pieces with his brain.

Charlie follows that up by totally creeping out Yeoman Rand. She implores Kirk to talk to him, who in turn tells a frustrated Charlie to “go slow” and “be gentle.” Good talk, Dad. Kirk then does like any good father would and subverts the issue with sports. A shirtless Kirk tries to teach the little brat how to take a fall. Charlie pouts, and when a red shirt robe laughs at him, Charlie makes his bitch ass disappear. Oops. Daddy sends the brat to his room.

Kirk decides they just need to talk to him. He’s just a boy in a man’s body. He doesn’t even understand what life is. Other platitudes. Nevermind that Charlie just killed one of Kirk’s own crew. I thought the James Tiberius in this timeline didn’t have daddy issues?

Chuckie (as we’ll now call him) admits to destroying the Antares. Cool, he’s a mass murderer now, but dammit, he’s just a boy! Kirk is really getting into this “father figure” stuff.

Chuckie makes Spock recite poetry to stop the ship from changing course, then turns the yeoman he dissed earlier into an iguana for some reason. What are this kid’s powers, again?

After bursting into Yeoman Rand’s room with a flower (another transmogrified crewmember?), we throw to commercial with a cut that can only be described as “rapey.”

Yeoman Rand forces Chuckie’s hand by refusing his advances. He zaps her out of existence. Nooooo, the thing he loved most! He then tries to punish Kirk and Spock for trying to stop him, which may have meant not eliminating his true love from existence, so...wait.

Chuckie pouts like a teenager. He doesn’t wanna grow up! He can do whatever he wants! He throws a temper tantrum of Weird Psychic Powers Greatest Hits, including:

Making an electric door disappear

Freezing time

Turning a young woman into an old woman

Making a woman’s face disappear

Kirk proposes a risky plan. In short: Turn on all the things and create a diversion. Then someone stab the kid in the neck with a tranq dart, hopefully. Sure, man, you’re the captain. After a good, old-fashioned father-son tussle, Yeoman Rand reappears on the bridge, then a floating Oz head appears and returns everything to normal. This causes Chuckie to think on his sins – he doesn’t want to go back to “them.”

Floating Oz Head says “they” gave him his powers so he could survive. Kirk argues to keep him on board the Enterprise – to train him to not use his powers (tchyeah). Floating Oz Head throws down his trump card: Namely, teleporting Chuckie out of there. Yeoman Rand cries, as victims often feel empathy for their heartless attackers, I hear. Roll credits.

Phil

“Charlie X” is not my favorite Star Trek episode, but it does have some really great moments. Psychotic emotionally stunted telekinetic wunderkind Charlie Evens is, yes, a mass-murderer who only seems to refrain from getting seriously bad because no one gave him a sex talk, but he is something of a tragic case. Also he boards the ship carrying what looks like a weather balloon. He just wants to learn, man.

Meanwhile, this episode is a microcosm of Kirk as a character. Just keep an eye on Kirk and pay attention to the things that are important to him: making sure Thanksgiving has synthetic turkeys; playing chess with Spock; sending the guys from the Antares to view the Enterprise’s “entertainment tapes;” controlled falls; keeping everyone else out of his captain’s chair.

There are some great Kirk moments here, especially when the kid with no concept of human interaction starts acting inappropriately -- and in Charlie’s defense, he saw two friends do the ass-slap immediately before mimicking it. He’s not that creepy (yet).

First, Kirk stumbles through trying to explain that you don’t touch the ass of another person, specifically of a woman in this case, unless you are invited to do so. He can’t even reasonably explain the concept, which is especially great if you consider that this man is captaining a five-year mission to seek out new life and new civilizations. That makes him an ambassador for all of humanity, and he stumbles in explaining “bad touch” to a teenager. Seems like Kirk would be a poor defense against a meeting with a new alien species accidentally turning into tentacle porn.

Then when people bring up Charlie’s troubles, Kirk’s all like, “This again? I thought I ordered him to be done with puberty.”

And then there’s a series of scenes in which people have dramatically lit eyes and stare each other down. You know they’re serious because they took the time to make sure their eyes were highlighted before they started arguing.

Seriously, though, how good is the latter half of the scene in the gym, when Kirk watches Charlie zap poor Sam? (Although, Sam, dude, how funny is a kid getting beaten by a trained Starfleet captain. Did you see Kirk’s one giant monster ab?) Kirk just watched the kid make a guy cease to exist and he just steps up, levels his dramatic eyes on Charlie, and turns up the bad-ass meter. What a leader. And Shatner gives it some extra subtle gravitas when he goes to the communicator panel after Charlie leaves and plays his contact with the bridge as exasperated, betraying some serious fear at dealing with that kid.

The last bit we get about Kik is the scene at the end, when he’s unwilling to hand Charlie over when Zordon shows up to explain how they screwed up and made him a god. Apparently it was impossible to just pull a ctrl+z on that idea. In any event, we get a big dose of Kirk’s humanity, and the whole situation feels a bit like (spoiler) what will happen with Khan later on. 

To recap, here’s what we learned from Kirk today:

Talking about puberty is hard and best left to people without emotions, doctors or computers

Never show your fear; dramatic lighting can help with this

No shirts during throw training

A tunic can be comfortable while still conveying a sense of authority

You gotta slap the ground when you fall to absorb the energy*

*Science