shaking hands with the dark parts of my thoughts

@stavrosriley

Riley Stavros Greek. Son. Athlete. Friend.

125 posts

Zane couldn’t be sure what this said about Riley, if anything. This was university and because of that, he knew better than to make assumptions about the boy’s sexuality. There were a lot of unspoken things going on that Zane didn’t want to touch right now, still resting blissfully in his own drunken state. When he felt Riley tense under his fingertips, Zane withdrew his hand to make sure he wasn’t overstepping any boundaries. They might have done something intimate two seconds ago, but that consent could be withdrawn at any moment. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Riley in any sense. His admission a second later took Zane aback. Looking at Riley, he couldn’t help assuming that plenty of girls would have been interested in going down on him – doing even more than that, truthfully. “So I was the first?” he asked, smiling softly at him. “I feel honored that you let me. I liked it a lot, you’re a beautiful guy. Inside just as much as outside.” A rush of heat worked up his body when Riley turned towards him, and it only traveled further up into his cheeks when the other boy touched his skin. It almost felt romantic, most definitely more tender than Owen had been with him in quite some time. The feeling made Zane far less guilty even if he knew that sensation would be short lived, inevitably gone by the morning. But right now, Riley was making him thoroughly happy. Kissing him back, Zane nodded at his words, tipping forward to brush his nose against Riley’s. “I like being something new for you.”

More than anything Riley wished that he was able to find it within himself to talk to Zane about what it was he was going through. If anyone would be patient and capable of helping it through, Zane would be the ideal person. But Riley wasn’t so sure if there was enough alcohol in the world to make him pluck up the courage it would take to come out. Riley was still stubborn enough to try and convince himself that this wasn’t happening to him. He could chalk it up to experimenting in college just as thousands of people before him had. It was the easy way out but it was the only viable option Riley felt as if he was left with at this point. In a perfect world, he wouldn’t have to hide who he was but for now, it beat the alternative of him opening up and saying things he couldn’t take back. He would allow himself this one night to be free, a sort of get out jail free card that would enable him to have a pass. Once morning hit, Riley knew he’d have to slip back into his old routine. Life just felt safer that way. Riley felt as if he was suspended midair and just waiting for the drop that was sure to follow. He didn’t want to think about it now, deciding that he didn’t want to sour the moment with weighty thoughts. For tonight he could pretend this was his life every day. If Zane was willing to put his boyfriend from mind for the time being, Riley would do the same with his personal baggage. Riley nodded and chewed on the inside of his cheek, feeling a bit embarrassed. It wasn’t as if Zane had any reason not be surprised by this. Riley had always been afraid of going too far with guys and girls who made attempts were carefully rejected. Zane’s compliment warmed Riley from the inside out, a genuine smile breaking across his face. “You’re too much,” he replied demurely. He found himself wishing he could spend every night just like this, tangled up with and admiring Zane. “Stay with me tonight?” he asked, not wanting to spend the night in separate beds no matter how he’d feel in the morning.

As Riley came down off his high, Zane rubbed the boy’s leg and tried to help him through the rush. This would wind up being the test of whether or not Riley regretted things. There was always the morning, but his immediate reaction could be jarring after he calmed down. Zane carefully lifted his pants up back over his length, knowing how sensitive he must have been feeling. He smiled in contentment, hoping the emotion would be echoed by Riley. “It sounds like you’ve been needing that,” he commented, crawling back up to lie beside Riley. Hesitantly, he rested his hand on the boy’s chest, making small circles on his skin. “We don’t have to think about the complicated parts of this yet, you know. I can only speak for myself, and I’d rather not taint any of it. I’m feeling a little selfish at the moment.” Zane knew he wasn’t being a good boyfriend, or perhaps a good person in general. The thing was that Riley made him feel appreciated which he was only now realizing he’d been extremely deprived of.

Riley stayed perfectly still after coming down, his head swimming as he quickly replayed the night’s events in his mind. He couldn’t quite believe what just happened even though the evidence of it all was staring him in the face. Without putting much thought to it, Riley had just exposed something very telling about himself without even saying the words. The fear of what was to come next began to trickle in, ruining the high he was experiencing. Zane’s hand on his legs should have felt amazing but now it was making him feel trapped in his own skin. Riley did his best to stifle that feeling as Zane redressed him. It was a small comfort not be quite as exposed just then but Riley still felt vulnerable. He was the one to initiate this and he didn’t want to regret it. “No one’s ever...,” he trailed off bashfully. Riley stiffened a bit as Zane’s hand made contact, his chest rising and falling heavily as his mind buzzed. He was relieved to hear that they didn’t have to make sense of this because Riley wasn’t even sure where he stood himself. He wanted to believe he was straight so badly but tonight made it glaringly obvious that he wasn’t. “We don’t have to,” he agreed, nodding along to that plan. Riley swallowed the lump in his throat and turned his head to face Zane. All his anxiety seemed to fade a bit as he searched the boy’s eyes. Tentatively he touched Zane’s face, skimming his fingertips down his cheek and smiling to himself. He placed a soft kiss on Zane’s lips, lingering for a moment before pulling away. “This is different,” he said. “Not bad just...new.”

Watching Riley revel in his own pleasure made Zane grin, and he purposefully took his time working on him, only skimming his tongue over the underside of his cock as languidly as possible. At this point, Owen had only seen sex as a means to an end. He wanted to get off, and what happened in between didn’t seem to matter in his eyes. It left Zane feeling used oftentimes, as if Owen could have gotten the release anywhere, but he was just convenient. That wasn’t at all how things were feeling with Riley. There was genuine chemistry and willingness on both ends. Zane didn’t feel as though he was merely a mouth to fuck, and he could never see Riley as some kind of conquest. If he pushed thoughts of his boyfriend aside, he could let himself admit that Riley was a beautiful person, both aesthetically and in terms of his personality. Zane had been becoming drawn to him gradually even if he hadn’t wanted to recognize it. Wrapping his lips more firmly around his length, he picked up the pace once more, his hand stroking his cock down at the base. Each time he bobbed down Zane rolled his tongue thoroughly over Riley, not attempting to mask the sound of his mouth against Riley’s length. He wanted him to know just how much he was enjoying himself, how much he liked sucking dick in general and more specifically, Riley’s. Whenever he came, Zane knew he wasn’t going to hesitate in swallowing. If anything, he looked forward to it.

Never before had Riley ever become this undone because of another person. His encounters with boys at summer camp completely paled in comparison to what it felt like now to have Zane’s mouth on his most sensitive body part. Admittedly Riley had watched his fair share of videos online of guys hooking up to this degree and more but nothing could have prepared him for what it felt like to experience it all firsthand. If there was ever even the slightest bit of doubt that he wasn’t into men, Riley would never have to question it after tonight. He tried for years to bury this side of himself and to pass it off as a phase that wouldn’t last but Riley was seeing now that this wasn’t something he could run from. The facts were the facts and as it was, Riley was far too into this to downplay the truth. He still wasn’t ready to be out but this was a pivotal moment for him, one so major that he could recognize it even in his drunken state. Zane was making him feel things he only ever daydreamed about. This still felt surreal. All too often Riley had pictured himself and Zane in positions like this but he never let himself believe it was a real possibility. Riley’s back arched off the bed every now and then, one hand keeping a tight hold on Zane’s hair and the other pulling at the sheets. He muttered curse after curse under his breath, the coil in his stomach tightening steadily. “I c-can’t. I’m about to,,,,” he managed to get out, doing his best to warn Zane ahead of time. After a moment, he simply couldn’t take it anymore and released his load right into Zane’s mouth. He wasn’t sure if that was okay, if the other boy would be put off by it but there was simply no helping it. He cried out Zane’s name, panting heavily as he worked to come down off his high, his body covered in sweat.

Watching Riley’s cheeks turn a shade of pink, Zane smiled in contentment; not smug because of the reaction, but happy to see that he was getting under Riley’s skin so much. The feeling was most definitely mutual. “I would, I’d like that a lot,” he answered honestly. He chose to ignore the second half of Riley’s concern. He was sure that on some level, yes, he would regret this encounter. But it wouldn’t be because Riley was somehow undesirable. It would only be because of Owen and his newfound infidelity after spending a night with Riley like this. At the moment, Zane much preferred actions over words. He rolled them over and grabbed the top of Riley’s pants, pulling them down enough that he had access to his cock. At the first sight of it, Zane licked his lips, stroking his palm up and down the length. He then bent down slightly, his mouth level with it and his eyes fixed on Riley’s. After a moment of hesitation, only to keep Riley on the edge, Zane took him into his mouth. He bobbed his head up and down greedily, gladly taking as much of his cock in as he could. Blowjobs were especially enjoyable to Zane, and he usually prided himself on his talent with it. He kept his free hand on Riley’s hip, making sure he stayed still enough for him to suck on his cock. Licking the head, he swiped along the pre-cum there, whimpering when he took the plunge and let Riley as far into his mouth as he possibly could.

It was hard for Riley to wrap his head around the fact that Zane was drawn to him like this. Granted he did have a lot in common with Owen (much to his dismay) but Riley honestly wouldn’t have guessed even yesterday that his roommate had a bit of a crush on him. With a guy like Zane, it was hard to tell if he was simply being friendly or flirting. And Riley’s limited experience made it virtually impossible for him to tell the difference. He could tell easily enough when a girl liked him but when it came down to guys, everything went right over his head unless a boy made his feelings explicitly clear. With all that they were getting into tonight, there would never be a reason for Riley to doubt if Zane liked him. But there was still the matter of Zane’s boyfriend. Even though Riley didn’t think much of him and it was apparent that the cracks in their relationship were becoming more present, Zane was still linked to another guy and Riley wasn’t remotely close to coming out. The road ahead for them wasn’t promising and Riley couldn’t do much of anything to change that. He pushed those thoughts aside for the time being, instead focusing his energy on Zane’s candid response. His willingness was a turn on for Riley who instantly let the matter drop. He settled against the bed, watching Zane’s face for his reaction to actually seeing his cock. He held his breath as their eyes met, unsure of if Zane was being hit with second thoughts before his mouth latched on. The moan that broke out of him was so deep, his toes curling instantly. This was the first time someone went down on him and Riley’s head was left in a tailspin at how acute Zane was. He grabbed a fistful of the boy’s dark locks and thrust steadily into his mouth. Riley turned his head, burying his face into his pillow as he whimpered Zane’s name over and over.

All it took was Riley’s soft request for Zane to make a move. He didn’t bother touching him over the pants, nowhere near patient enough to make Riley endure the teasing. He’d probably already done a good job of that, anyway. His grasp drifted under his pants and the lack of an extra barrier there excited him t no end. It only took a second for him to realize just how turned on Riley was. Once more, it made him think there was far more to the boy’s sexuality than he let on, but that wasn’t his business when it came down to it. “Nice and big,” he cooed, rubbing his palm gently up and down his shaft. His thumb stroked the underside, gauging each reaction Riley had to his touches. He ran his palm down to his balls and rolled them carefully, then moving back up to his cock. “My hand isn’t the only part of me that you could be touching you, you know,” he commented, surprisingly willing to give Riley a blowjob if he wanted one.

The night was progressing so much faster than Riley could have ever anticipated but backing down didn’t strike him as an option. Even with the possible out Zane gave him, Riley knew-- even in this drunken state-- that he would regret his decision later if he pulled the plug on this encounter. He wanted to see just how far they could take things, what limits could be pushed. Riley was doing a horrible job of downplaying just how badly he craved Zane but he could only hope that by morning, being drunk would be enough of an excuse to hide what was really going on with him. It’d been so long since Riley was in a position even remotely close to this. His body spoke that for him with how erect and wound up he was. Riley hadn’t bothered with boxers after his shower earlier tonight was grateful for it as it left Zane now with easy access to his cock. Riley trembled as Zane touched him bare, his cheeks flushing at the boy’s approval of his length. His breathing was shaky, his eyes rolling shut at the treatment before flashing open. Was he truly hearing that Zane was willing to blow him? “Y-you’d do that?” he stammered, thrusting forward into Zane’s palm. “Only if you want to. I don’t want you to regret it,” he rasped, attempting to be responsible for once during this evening.

Zane was content to continue teasing (or torturing, perhaps) Riley, but he was pleasantly surprised when the other boy flipped him over. He unintentionally thrusted forward just at the dominance Riley was showing. Zane might have assumed he’d be forceful and dominant in bed, but having the proof right there was much more satisfying. “I’m a pretty big fan of it too,” he breathed out, laughing softly until Riley’s attention went to his chest. Reaching for his head, Zane stroked it and then scratched his nails lightly over his scalp. After a moment his hands traveled downward, reaching Riley’s backside. “Are you sure you’re okay with this?” he asked, grasping his ass firmly. He brought Riley’s head up to his own, ensnaring his lips and then speaking again. “I know I shouldn’t have, but I’ve imagined this before.” Bringing his hand down once more, he instead dragged it over Riley’s torso, grazing his hand over the waistband of his sweatpants. It wasn’t that Zane didn’t have a conscience at the moment, he certainly did. But the fact that he was drunk and bitter towards Owen made it so he was intentionally ignoring it. If he could ignore their commitment to one another and fool around, why couldn’t Zane have the chance to do the same? Even Riley, a most objective person in this situation, could see how rocky things had become. “You’re so handsome, so sexy,” he whispered, gently tugging at the top of his pants, keeping a pace that Riley could interrupt if necessary.

The burst of confidence Riley was exhibiting now was only made possible because of the shot from before. If he had been sober, there would be no way for Riley to come undone like this, to the point where he was initiating a kiss and upping the ante between them. Seeing Riley’s reaction to him made Riley let out a low growl. He liked to be in charge on the field but when it came to romantic romps he was usually so timid. That wasn’t the case tonight and Riley was happy for it as it seemed to gain Zane’s approval effortlessly. Riley had fantasized so many times about what it would be like to get into bed with Zane and now that the moment was actually upon him, he didn’t hesitate to put his plans into action. He couldn’t help but to dote over Zane’s body. All that yoga and soccer certainly paid off. The boy’s frame was truly a marvel and Riley’s hands couldn’t stop running up and down his sides as he tended to Zane’s nipples. He moaned in satisfaction as Zane gripped his ass. He was only able to manage a brief nod before lunging to meet Zane’s kiss, slipping his tongue into his mouth to get more of his taste. Riley’s eyes widened in surprise at Zane’s words. After tonight he knew he shouldn’t have been shocked by the news but it was still jarring to hear Zane admit to it. His hips bucked forward the moment Zane brushed his waistband. His eyes flickered to the other boy’s his breath catching in his throat at his sincere compliments. “Please,” he whispered so quietly he wasn’t even sure if he actually said the plea out loud. To be perfectly honest, Riley wasn’t even sure what he was begging for but he knew he just needed Zane to touch him in some way to sate his blatant hard on.

Because he had been in a relationship with Owen for years now, Zane had nearly forgotten how it felt to have the butterfly sensation in his stomach. Being in Riley’s lap now was giving him that and even more. With his concerns far away, there was nothing stopping him from acting on impulse. It confused Zane that the other boy was so forward, not afraid to touch him and being the one to initiate the kiss in the first place. Of course there were no complaints on Zane’s part, but he was truly beginning to wonder how much of Riley’s bravery was the drink and how much was genuine desire. Moaning unabashedly at Riley’s grip on him, combined with what Zane would only assume was hardness beneath him, he rubbed his palms up over Riley’s arms. The things he was saying made Zane a little perplexed: did Riley want him to leave Owen so the two of them could have something instead? Or was it merely him openly voicing his thoughts about their trainwreck of a relationship? Given the situation and how much he was enjoying it, Zane wasn’t about to ask. Perhaps the topic would come up later, when the morning came and sobriety made everything a little clearer. “His loss and your gain, I’m assuming?” Zane prompted, teasing him by rubbing his crotch down against Riley’s cock. This was so outside of anything Zane had expected, especially from a boy he was mostly sure identified as straight. Reaching down, Zane pulled Riley’s shirt off him and then did the same to his own. He groaned at the sight of having Riley’s torso exposed, greedily touching every inch of it he could get his hands on. Shifting up closer to him, Zane put even more emphasis on grinding against Riley, his arms curled tightly around the boy’s shoulders. His head tipped down so he could nip at Riley’s earlobe, sucking on it and then speaking. “You like having me on your lap like this? Having me all to yourself?”

It’d been so long since Riley allowed himself to get close to someone like this. In high school, his attempts with girls were always awkward and rushed, never leaving him feeling satisfied. Growing up and going to camp, Riley had relished in those stolen moments in the woods with guys who were cool with keeping their romps under wraps. Those were some of the most pleasurable times Riley had ever experienced, though it always left him feeling empty once it was over and done with. Having to keep such an important part of himself hidden was taxing but Riley was far more afraid of the alternative. He was confident that his parents would view him differently, perhaps not even love him the same way-- if at all-- if he were to disclose the true nature of his sexuality. Most days Riley was even afraid to acknowledge it himself but times like this made it impossible for Riley to deny that he was gay. Girls never got under his skin the way boys did and it was evident already that Zane was particularly skilled in that department. Riley could barely piece together his thoughts with his head swimming in such a way. Every part of him felt electric and attuned to Zane’s ministrations. He wasn’t at all in control of himself and for tonight, Riley was willing to let loose. This encounter with Zane wasn’t one he saw coming at all and wasn’t so sure another opportunity would present itself later down the road. If that was to be the case then Riley wanted to make the most of the here and now. Riley wasn’t sure how to answer Zane’s question without giving much away but he couldn’t even let out a single word. Instead he replied with a sensuous gasp as Zane ground his crotch against his. This was certainly Riley’s gain and he was basking in every second of it. His eyes glossed over Zane’s bare torso, nails instantly clawing down the boy’s smooth back. “Yes,” he moaned to his questioning, his erection unbearable. Unable to take it, Riley switched their position, pinning Zane down to the bed with his hands encircling the boy’s wrists. “But I like this even better,” he said, his glazed eyes roaming Zane’s frame before latching his mouth onto his nipple, his tongue flicking the nub and sucking softly.

Zane could see the gears in Riley’s head turning and however misguided it was, he liked it. He watched the boy thinking up something for his next turn, listening carefully until Riley faltered. He thought he knew what was coming next, but didn’t want to get his hopes up. For once that night, the only thing he could think about was Riley and what sort of possibility could be spread out before them. When the other boy leaned forward, Zane only hesitated for a brief moment before he returned the kiss. His eyes closed and he sighed gratefully, feeling the mounting tension in his body finally release. Even if he didn’t want to admit it, this was what he’d been wanting for weeks. After all, Owen had been the first one to cheat. Zane felt as if he deserved some genuine, mutual affection - even if it would only be in a drunken state of mind. He kept the kiss mostly gentle at first but gradually began to feel restless. He pulled back for only a second to move the nearly empty bottle out of their way, then making his way back over to Riley. Zane settled on his lap, straddling the boys legs and pulling his lips to his own. Just like he’d been wanting to do before, Zane worked his fingers through Riley’s hair, gently carding through the strands. Kissing down to his cheek and then his neck, he pushed himself closer against Riley’s chest, reveling in his warm he was. “Owen hasn’t kissed me like this in forever. Hasn’t held me like this,” he murmured against his skin, smoothing his hands down Riley’s back and then back up.

At this point in time, Riley’s rationality was out the window. Normally he was able to exercise some type of restraint but the combination of alcohol and Zane’s indirect admission that he was attracted to Riley was enough to make him throw caution to the wind. There were so many reasons why Riley shouldn’t have been doing this but it was hard to care now that he knew what it was like to kiss Zane. Since the very first day they met, Riley had been curious about the other by-- what it was like to hold his hand, cuddle in bed with him, kiss him. Now he was gaining that knowledge and enjoying it far too much to part with it by listening to that faint voice in the back of his head that questioned how he would explain this later. At the sound of Zane’s sigh, Riley knew he had him right where he wanted him and continued the kiss, savoring the taste of liquor on Zane’s lips and the sweetness buried beneath. He couldn’t spare a thought on Owen or the fact that he presented himself as straight to the world. In this strange little bubble they created for themselves tonight, none of that stuff mattered. Riley panicked for a brief moment as Zane pulled away but quickly realized he was merely making himself more comfortable. Riley groaned once Zane settled over him, finding the move unbearably sexy. He breathed out shakily, feeling his cock stiffen as Zane touched his hair and kissed his skin. His large hands settled on Zane’s hips, clutching the boy. “His loss,” he managed to grit out. “All the more reason for you to leave him.” Riley felt drunk off so much more than the liquor, his hips rolling forward. His erection was so obvious at this point in his pajama pants as he directed his lips to Zane’s neck and bit down, smoothing his tongue over the area before sucking on it.

Zane’s eyes widened when Riley took a sip, sending his own heart pounding seconds later. Perhaps there was more than one lie during their game but he was certain that Riley had been alluding to the previous one. If that was the case, then there was a mutual crush going on. Zane knew he should have given up on the entire subject, dropped it in favor of a safer topic. He was too intoxicated now to rationalize away his feelings. He paused when Riley brought up Owen, and his relationship with the boy as a whole. He might have been right but it stung to hear spoken aloud. To have someone who was mostly objective say the same thing that Zane knew to be true, but couldn’t admit, really cemented the fact. He was fighting a losing battle when it came to Owen, but he didn’t know how to give it up. Slowly, he took the bottle and then took a small sip. Zane let himself be quiet for a moment in the hopes of shooing away those heavy thoughts. He didn’t have to vocalize it; Riley knew that the statement was right, and that things with Owen were hopeless. “Never have I ever kissed someone in this room, even though I want to,” was the only way he could make himself respond.

The thing about this game was the ability to have wording cover up tracks. Riley wasn’t naive but he was hopeful that Zane would be unclear as to which prompt Riley wasn’t honest with. They were finding themselves now in a realm of discussion that erred almost too dangerously on Riley confessing or doing something he would come to regret the next day. But it was getting harder to keep himself in check when he was downing alcohol virtually every other minute. The drink was clouding his judgement when he was always so adamant about keeping his guard up. Zane’s reaction to him taking a drink was telling but Riley refused to let his eyes rest on Zane for too long, for fear that he’d let on and blow his cover entirely. Riley was taking a low blow but he couldn’t help himself. He just needed to let Zane know that he shouldn’t be with someone he clearly didn’t trust and was having issues with. Riley still wasn’t sure what made Zane turn back tonight but he was willing to bet something Owen did or said soured Zane’s mood. He couldn’t see Zane being at fault for the evening going south. Riley was brought up short on Zane’s prompt. He licked his lips slowly in thought. The last bit was the clencher but Riley hoped the first half could cover him as he took a drink. He hadn’t ever kissed Zane, that much was true. But Riley would be lying if he said he didn’t want to. “Never have I ever...um,” he slurred, shaking his head. “Never have I ever...fuck this, I can’t think,” Riley mumbled, leaning in and pressing his lips to Zane’s, his eyes closing as he allowed his mouth to move over the other boy’s.

Grinning as Riley took a sip, Zane let himself dwell on the indirect contact for a moment before he he listened to the other boy, his expression growing more serious. “You’re not the only one. A lot of guys dabble with that, and sometimes coaches indirectly encourage it. I’m glad you dropped it though. That was a smart move, and you’re a great athlete. You don’t need any help, you’ve got all the talent you need,” he assured. Zane was taken off guard by what Riley said next, immediately wondering why he would bring up such a seemingly off topic and unimportant tidbit. Zane had never lived with Owen, only his family. He would have been able to agree with Riley on the sentiment if not for the fact that he was living with Riley presently. That had changed everything. Whether or not he wanted to admit it, there was definitely an attraction going on. Because he was a little more than tipsy and still angry at Owen, Zane confidently swiped the bottle and took a long swig. He kept eye contact with Riley the whole time, letting him make his own decision about what the gesture meant. After swallowing, Zane only took a moment to think of a question. “Never have I ever lied during this game.”

Riley wasn’t proud of a lot of things that took place in his past. This was just barely scratching the surface of stuff he wanted to bury and forget. But he wanted to be as honest as he could be with Zane. He was comfortable enough around him to feel assured that the boy wouldn’t be judgemental. Riley had put an end to his drug use ages ago but he still hated the fact that he had ever turned to them in the first place. What Zane said was true. There was always pressure on athletes to be the best that they could be, whatever the cost. At the time it seemed like a no-brainer but hindsight made it so Riley knew it was wrong. He smiled softly at the compliment, flattered that Zane would even bother to speak on his skill. The line of questioning was taking on a drastic turn, Riley knew but he couldn’t refrain from checking in. He figured there might not have been a point in time where Owen or any of Zane’s past partners had to live with him but for a moment he had to wonder if that was why Zane was taking the bottle from him. The notion that Zane could genuinely be drawn to him was almost too good to be true. But from the way Zane’s eyes latched on to him, Riley didn’t think there was much room for mistake. He didn’t know what to do with this information. It wasn’t as if he could act on it, for several different reasons. Riley looked down at his hands, doing his best to keep them still though he himself felt jumpy. He reached the right one out and took back the bottle, helping himself to a drink. All that he’d consumed so far was going to his head. “Never have I ever stayed in a relationship I should probably let go of.”

It was no surprise that Riley took a shot without thinking twice about it, and the fact shouldn’t have disappointed Zane. During his daytime hours which were always spent sober, he could see that Riley was the epitome of a straight man. As unfortunate as that might have been, since he was so attractive, it was easy to accept. Not only that, but Zane had Owen. Only recently did he start realizing that the chinks in their relationship were becoming actual cracks, and nothing he could do would stop them from worsening. Owen was going to be spending his night with his hockey buddies and he’d admittedly hit on one of them before. It was the reason Zane had called off their date for the evening. Chasing those thoughts away, he smiled playfully at Riley’s words, reaching for the bottle hesitantly before he took the bottle. Instead of pouring it out, he just drank straight from it. “It was only a couple times, and somehow it felt too raunchy to try again. I’m not shy about my body but I’d rather it not somehow land itself on the internet.” Owen was the only person he’d sent them to, and the fact that he didn’t quite trust his boyfriend not to share them was certainly a red flag. “Never have I ever done drugs. Like, real drugs, not just pot.”

Riley felt guilty for lying to Zane but this aspect of himself wasn’t one he felt capable of expressing to anyone. He could barely accept the fact that he was gay, trying desperately to stomp that side of himself down. In an ideal world, he’d be out and proud but Riley wasn’t all that confident that he’d be able to reach that point someday. He couldn’t help but to admire Zane’s strength and confidence for being entirely who he was each and every day. It was something to aspire to but at this rate, it just didn’t seem to be in the cards for Riley. As Zane took his drink directly from the bottle, Riley’s throat tightened a bit. He could already guess who the lucky recipient of those photos was and for the umpteenth time, Riley found himself wondering why Zane was even with Owen. He didn’t think much of himself but he was willing to bet he’d be a much better boyfriend than his teammate, if given the chance. It struck Riley as odd that Zane was concerned about those pictures going online. If anything, he would figure that a person should trust their significant other not to betray them in such a way. Riley knew things weren’t perfect between Owen and Zane but this was troubling to say the least. At Zane’s question, Riley rubbed at his chin before taking the bottle from Zane and putting it to his lips as well. His cheeks flushed because of the indirect contact with Zane’s mouth. “I was stupid in high school and thought taking performance enhancement drugs was a smart idea,” he scoffed, rolling his eyes. “I was a total mess.” Riley tapped the side of the bottle. He had to be crafty about this question, flirting with the line of keeping his attraction hidden while vetting Zane for potentially being into him. “Never have I ever been attracted to someone I lived with.”

“You do, you really do. You’re going to be drunk off your butt before you know it,” he teased, not even noticing that despite his sullen mood, he couldn’t even bring himself to use foul language. “Oh ho, ho. Look at that, going for gold as well.” Zane poured himself not one, but two shots. “I will never deny having done that. Not when it’s so good.” Zane normally wouldn’t be this blunt, but it felt nice to be letting completely loose. It was a combination of the drinking and how close he was growing to Riley in the past few weeks. “Okay. Never have I ever been attracted to a girl. That’s a broader challenge,” he said, though something told him that even if Riley were to reverse the question on his turn, he wouldn’t be saying he was attracted to men.

Riley shot him a playful glare and smiled. It was true; at this rate Riley would be spending tomorrow morning nursing a hangover. This game was a fun and interesting way to learn about Zane but Riley was afraid of leaving the door open for Zane to find out things about him he wasn’t so sure he’d ever be able to share. He didn’t ever want to lie to Zane but he had to protect that side of himself that wasn’t ready to come out just yet. If there was ever a person he could confide in here on campus, it would certainly be Zane but Riley was still struggling to accept certain truths about himself. He swallowed thickly, praying that Zane was too far into his own words to notice. Riley had kissed a few boys but nothing more though he was undoubtedly curious about what more he could gain experience with. At Zane’s turn, Riley’s fingers twitched ever so slightly before grabbing the bottle and filling his glass. It wasn’t a lie, if he thought of it with loopholes. He was attracted to Anya, her energy and kind heart. And she was definitely pretty as well. Riley doubted that was what Zane had in mind but he still had appearances to keep up. Riley drained the contents of the shot glass and mulled over his prompt. “Never have I ever sent some kind of nude shot to someone, dating or otherwise.”

“They’re super soft,” Zane commented, looking at his head of hair with admiration. It crossed his mind that he’d enjoy taking some more time to play with his curls, but quickly chased the musing away. That wasn’t about to happen, even if he continued to envision it. “That was lame, Stavros. I’m not gonna sugar coat it for you.” All the same, Zane took a shot and then placed the empty glass on his knee. “I’m gonna get really cheap now, you’re asking for it. Never have I ever slept with a girl.” It was pretty obvious that Zane would be having Riley drunk long before he himself was if he continued on with hetero-based questions.

It was silly to get caught up in this but Riley would be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy having Zane’s eyes on him. In the grand scheme of things, this was nothing to fuss over but his attraction for Zane made him feel downright giddy inside. It was something he was working to control but for now, he thoroughly enjoyed all the attention the other boy was giving him. Riley laughed and raised his hands in mock defense. “I told you I sucked at this game,” he said, a warm smile on his face. Riley stared back at Zane and set his glass down on the comforter. “I guess that makes two of us then,” he countered. “Never have I ever had sex with a guy,” Riley challenged, crossing his arms over his chest and looking to Zane with mock defiance for making the score even.

Zane scoffed loudly, shaking his head. “I’m full of imperfections like anyone, and I loathe them all.” On the outside, Zane exuded happiness. And he was for the vast majority of the time. But he took his failings very seriously; he was always the first person to severely criticize himself. “Yup, I wanna play it that way,” he teased back, letting out a loud laugh at Riley’s rebuttal. “Touche, my friend. Touche.” Zane took the bottle and filled his shot glass to the brim, drinking it without hesitation. This was so unlike him and yet, he didn’t feel the need or desire to stop himself. “Never have I ever had to deal with curly hair,” was his next response. Zane tipped himself forward and playfully ruffled Riley’s curly locks, then settling back down in his spot. “My hair has always been straight, even if I don’t style it.”

From where Riley was sitting, it was hard to imagine that there could be any flaws on Zane. But he was merely human and no matter how highly Riley thought of him, he knew he had to keep that in mind. All the same, he still thought Zane was truly a remarkable person, by far one of the best he’d ever met before. Riley grinned smugly to himself as Zane drank, impressed with the fact that he didn’t falter at all. Whatever it was that happened with Owen must have been bad enough if it was taking Zane out of his character a bit tonight. Once again he wanted to ask but bit his tongue. The last thing he wanted to do was wreck this lighthearted mood Zane was beginning to fall into. Riley rolled his eyes and laughed, his pulse quickening as Zane played with his hair. “Lucky you. These curls have a mind of their own,” he replied just before downing his shot. Riley let out a breath and smiled. “You have the coolest hair I’ve ever seen,” he laughed. “Hmm, let’s see....never have I ever gotten someone into yoga before.”

Grinning widely as Riley took his shot, he listened to the boy and nodded. “I just barely passed in that class, if it makes you feel any better. Certainly not one of my strongest subjects.” Riley’s turn reaped no reward for Zane, as he’d never tried skinnydipping either. It was almost disappointing to find that he couldn’t take a shot. “I’m interested in trying it but haven’t yet. Not sure what I’ve been waiting for though,” he mused, shifting gears a moment later to think of something for his turn. “Never have I ever gone on a date with a girl,” Zane announced confidently, knowing he’d have Riley taking yet another shot. Technically it might have been cheating, but it was all in the nature of the game.

“That actually does make me feel better. I was starting to think you were perfect at everything.” he joked. Riley nodded to himself as Zane didn’t drink, his face neutral even as though he was currently picturing Zane doing so. That musing was dangerous territory to get into just then. Picturing Zane naked while he sat in his bed wouldn’t bode well for Riley if his body reacted in ways that would certainly be noticeable. He let out a chuckle and reached for the bottle, refilling his shot glass. “So you wanna play it that way, huh?” he joked, downing the substance before speaking again. “Never have I ever played on a soccer team.”

“Drinking is for special occasions. Elation, and severe distress. This is the latter,” Zane clarified, moving across the room towards Riley. He seated himself on Riley’s bed, opposite of him, and worked on opening the bottle while he spoke. “I’m most definitely not okay but I appreciate you asking. It’s sweet, just like you always are.” Zane tipped his head up and managed a small but sincere smile. It was hard not to feel the slightest bit better around his roommate, but he needed a far stronger distraction to wipe out his thoughts of Owen and their fight. Propping up the bottle between his legs so it wouldn’t fall over, Zane offered Riley a shot glass. “Let’s play never have I ever. You say something you’ve never done before, and if I have, I take a shot. And then the same goes for me. I say something I’ve never done, and if you have, you take a shot. If you haven’t done it, you don’t have to drink,” he explained. “I’ll start. Never have I ever…failed a class,” Zane stated, starting off with simple and safe ones.

Riley didn’t like the sound of this at all but didn’t want to push the issue too much when it was clear that Zane was searching for a way out of his thoughts. Riley sat up a bit straighter once Zane joined him but relaxed his stance to seem more natural. He was growing far too attached to being around Zane and was actually becoming fearful of making the attraction too obvious. He watched Zane’s hands as they twisted the cap off of the bottle, smiling to himself at the compliment Zane gave him. He looked up in time to see the other boy’s smile. It wasn’t the thousand watt one he was used to but it was getting into that territory to some degree. Instantly the strong scent of liquor hit Riley’s nostrils as Zane poured off the shot and gave it to him. Subtly Riley allowed his fingertips to touch Zane’s. He was impressed with himself for how effortlessly and discreetly he’d done it. “Ah, I know this one,” Riley said, bringing the glass closer to his nose and sniffing it as Zane began to game. Riley knocked back the glass and laughed. “I screwed up royally in physics. That stuff is hard. Hmm, never have I ever gone skinnydipping,” he said, shrugging. “I know this game but I still suck at it,” he mused.

Although Zane was generally a mild-mannered person, his arguments with Owen had the ability to bring out a more high-strung side of him. This night was no exception, and since it not only ruined his mood but also a date Zane had planned, he felt especially dejected. After Owen stomped away, Zane followed suit and returned to his dorm. To his surprise, Riley was still there. In spite of his bad mood, Zane’s first reaction was to paste on a smile – one that wasn’t genuine in the least. “You know what I want to do tonight, Riley?” he asked, digging around in his dresser drawer until he found the bottle he’d stashed there. Retrieving it, Zane waved the liquor in Riley’s direction and then reached for two of the shot glasses he had. “Tonight is total crap, but you can help me make it better. Any chance you’ll humor me on this?”

Riley set aside his textbook, his eyes resting across to the room to Zane’s bed. It was hard for him to concentrate on his studies when his mind was constantly wandering to what Zane was doing, against his better judgement. He knew his roommate, and now friend, was off on a date with his boyfriend. Though he didn’t have a right, Riley couldn’t help but to wish that Zane was there with him now. Or better yet, that he was the one out for the night on a full-fledged date with Zane. Riley was only driving himself insane with the musings but his crush on Zane was taking on a life of its own. Riley started when the door opened. Zane was the last thing he was expecting to see. Immediately he knew something was off from the fact that Zane was home at all to the fact that his usually bright smile didn’t reach his eyes. His brows rose as Zane fished out a bottle of alcohol. “I didn’t really peg you for the drinking type,” he said, moving to sit on the edge of his bed. “I mean, yeah, for sure. But...are you alright?” he asked, pausing for a moment. “Dumb question, sorry.” Riley tried to ignore the way his heart raced at the thought of Zane looking to him to make him feel better.

shaking hands with the dark parts of my thoughts @stavrosriley - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag