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Sx Doms and Sx Blinds

I’m thankful that this blog doesn’t constantly calling sx blinds ‘boring’, because they’re not, but I think unfortunately there might be a little of the opposite stereotype going on. I see a lot of people labeling Sx doms as mainly interested in sex, the ‘heat of things’, and using people for their own entertainment, when the Sx doms I know are way more mature and nuanced. True, to sx-blinds, Sx doms may come off as really scary and weird, but I honestly think that nobody can squeeze life for all it’s worth like an Sx dom. Every blind spot is going to be annoying to somebody. But I haven’t seen a lot about Sx-blinds, maybe because their annoying traits hurt on a different and harder to discern level.

I often admire their efficiency, responsibility, independence, and ability to take care of themselves, but if I fall outside of their social sphere and am not a part of their self-care routine (lol), then they aren’t interested in me. Even if we share the same interests and likes but I don’t want to go to the Christmas work party and would rather just hang with them, one on one, they look at me like I’ve grown a toe out of my forehead. Maybe they stay because they want to love me, but they still aren’t staying for Me. Because I’m interesting/fun/fascinating to them. And that hurts, and unconsciously puts up a wall that reads Intimacy Can Go No Further.

Yes, sx doms maybe be loud and seem ‘too much’, but they genuinely want to ‘go deep’ with things. Whether it’s their relationships, hobbies, or work interests, they aren’t satisfied with surface level knowledge. So if you’re one of their good friends, you will be a high priority to them. They will study and deeply pay attention to you because you fascinate them. And no, not all of them are interested in sex. Granted, sx doms sometimes seem to want to get too close, like they want to crawl into your rib cage and sit watching your heartbeat, and yes they may eventually find something else and drop you, but that still means that once upon a time they found you fascinating.

Sx blinds may always treat you with respect and deference and never flake out on you, but they lack a desire to get close to you. You will never be able to experience ‘giving life’ to them because they’re not looking for unique people that spark interest and chemistry. I know that sx blinds can and often make great close friends, lovers, etc, and there are many in my life that I love, but I am trying to describe here the feeling of disconnect: of loneliness even in the midst of the relationship, or something missing and cold, that lack of fire. I.e: They invite you to a social event because you’re in their social circle, as opposed to they really like You and want You to come just for the pure joy of having you there.

Even if I’m not in an sx doms close circle, but they invite me, I can tell it’s because they think I’ll add something to the atmosphere, or they think I’m funny and good party company etc. With sx users there’s a feeling that you always could become closer: your relationship can go deeper. If I took them out for coffee every other week, (and they were mutually interested), eventually we’d probably be best friends. If I took out an sx blind, they’d be grateful and we’d could have a good time but eventually they might want to start inviting others they know, or they start to think ‘what’s the point?’. I’ve wanted, and thought I had grown deeply close to sx blinds, only to realize that everything little thing that had so much meaning to me, they just saw as normal ‘friend’ things to do.

I see sx blinds as having several circles for different social spheres of friends, but they’re all mostly in the outer Friend ring and the sx blind doesn’t even know how to let some close to their core. Whereas sx users have several concentric circle of friends that increases in important and intimacy ending with the Soul Mate (platonic or not) right next to the core being. We NEED that feeling of closeness and intimacy with somebody, whereas sx blinds do not seem to care. 😔 I don’t expect everyone to be perfect or the same, I’m just trying to make sure we all get a fair shake, and wanted to defend my precious, though extremely chaotic, Sx doms. 😜

Thank you for this insight into an sx-dom mindset. I found it interesting and insightful. I’m sorry some sx-blinds have hurt you in the past by being oblivious to your need for closeness or making you feel like you are ‘one of the crowd’ in their eyes. I imagine for an sx-dom, who has a desperate need for raw, intimate connections all the time, that’s painful. You want a monopoly of their time and attention, for them to be all about you, as if you are a drug, just like you are all about them. For no one else to exist. But… that’s not how their brain works and so it stings.

They don’t mean to hurt you, but they would be hurt to discover you find them incapable of forming “deep” and meaningful attachments. They might also feel bad to think you assume they don’t consider you a high priority if you are one of their closest friends. Social-instinct people care about relationships a great deal and put an insane amount of effort into maintaining their connections; but they often have more than just one of them.

Sx-blinds are capable of intense emotional relationships, building deep connections to others, and wanting to spend alone time with people who fascinate or attract them, but they are never able to vanish into the other person, and they might not even want to, because it implies a loss of Self.It’s important to understand the different subtypes and their driving needs, because it adjusts your expectations for people and you will feel less frustrated by them in the long term, knowing they can’t help the over-focus of their dominant instinct. It opens the door for deep and meaningful conversations about what people expect from, and need from, their interactions.

I know I can’t provide the sx my sx friends need, and that makes me a self-conscious, but sometimes it’s less about not knowing “how” to do sx, and more that I don’t want to be that close to them. I pick the people with whom I share my deepest secrets carefully, and it comes after a period of testing of them, to make sure I can trust them first. It also never happens in person, unless the room is dark; I can spill my deepest soul to them in writing, but not face-to-face. I can safely say only one person has made it to my ‘core’ in 30+ years, but that’s not for my own lack of being willing to let people in, so much as the right people not trying to get there. I feel frustrated that relationships are not as deep as I want them to be, but I don’t know how to take them to the next level.

I am aware of the feeling of loneliness within a friendship of which you speak; I felt that way for fifteen years, while hanging onto a friendship that never deepened the way I wanted it to. Instead of finding one that did, I did the sx-blind thing of trying to ‘force’ that closeness where it did not exist. So, that inner desire to connect deeply may be a universal longing rather than specific to sx.

steelrose34

I really needed to read this. Speaking right to my Sx dom soul.

funkymbtifiction

sx-first vs. sx-blind

I had something happen recently which, I think, illustrates the difficulties an sx-blind and an sx-user run into when dealing with each other.

I’m very sx-blind. I want to be social, have a good time, find out how people are doing, have interesting conversations and then focus on my creativity – alone. I can shut myself away from the world for days at a time and focus on nothing but writing, not wanting any social interactions even with the people I love.

When I’m dealing with an sx/sp friend, they are all about merging and singling me out as that “special someone” on a level I cannot reciprocate on, and to the exclusion of everyone else. I wind up uncomfortable with the attention and unable to respond on a level that satisfies them. I do not zero in on people like that, I do not become jealous if their attention goes elsewhere (when I found out my best friend had made another close friend, my reaction was, “I’m so glad!! You need someone closer to do more stuff with!” – and I meant it!). I feel smothered by people who want too much of my attention. I’m interested and involved with them, but not fixated. I come across as distant and remote to them and very non-reciprocal in their sx-desire to be around me 24/7.

So, the most recent mishap was me inviting sx along to a social event, which included other people in my social circle. Sx wound up having a miserable time because she felt no intensity in our conversation (nothing held her interest) and because I was spreading my attention around; she didn’t have my full focus and I was the only person there who interests her, so she got increasingly upset.

When sx told me this, my sx-blind reaction was annoyance.

Enneagram has taught me a lot about myself and other people. I asked myself what was driving my irritation and I realized sx makes me uncomfortable. I do not know how to connect on that level because I keep people at a friendly but sociable distance. My sp wants and needs boundaries and does not always actively seek out new relationships that might threaten my need for alone time. An sx’s intense focus on me is draining for me. It feels like too much. And if they are sx/sp, they can’t spread their energy around, which makes me feel even more exhausted, since there’s no one else to take the pressure off me to be their main source of energy and entertainment (“juice”).

I’ve read you’re better off choosing a romantic partner with your same blind-spot, because you will need the same things from the relationship (in my case, space!). I think there’s some truth to that. I also think this is why it’s important to know about yourself and your friends, so you can see what’s driving their behaviors. For me, that lessens my frustration a lot. I know neither of us can change our blind spot, so I just have to figure out how to meet in the middle.

- ENFP Mod

I gave myself the energy I used to give to you,

And I blossomed.

#self love #letting go #relationship #relatable quotes

He is losing me,

I am gaining me.

-letting go

#relationship #self love #love quotes #growth

the-entp

How does Fe loop work in an ENTP? Think I might be in one and I'm not sure what to do about it…

What is an Ne-Fe loop like?

Under normal circumstances, Fe in general usually seeks to understand another’s feelings and be attentive to the needs of others. This allows for a healthy appreciation of relationships and connections.

What does a healthy tertiary Fe look like?

In a healthy ENTP, tertiary Fe allows us to be more considerate of others and we seek to be more understanding of people and are likely to listen to their thoughts with empathy. It also makes us aware of how our behaviour can affect others and we are likely to adjust our way of interacting with others to ensure that there is a sense of cooperation.

Ti can overlook many aspects of the external world in its somewhat obsessive search for the whole truth. This causes the stereotypical cold, blunt and ‘I-don’t-give-a-fuck’ ENTP. Such ENTPs can overlook the importance of engaging with others to create an environment where ideas, thoughts and possibilities can be explored in a more cooperative manner.

Tertiary Fe helps to correct this weakness. It keeps us in check and reminds us to take consideration when presenting our thoughts and ensures that we understand and appreciate healthy connections with others.

What does an unhealthy tertiary Fe look like?

We become extremely sensitive to criticism and are likely to lash out for it. We are unable to handle disagreements and differences in opinions well, especially when this disagreement is acting against our Ne. This can cause us to seem cold, insensitive and extremely arrogant.

There is a strong need to be independent or, at the very least, be seen as being independent. For this reason, we are likely to refuse to acknowledge people’s opinions or even accommodate relationships, especially with our loved ones and people we care about. This is mostly due to believing that feelings are a weakness and that such a weakness can be used against us and also ruin our reputation.

With our Fe perspective, we can take advantage of the awareness of other people’s feelings and weaknesses to intentionally cause hurt and upset them. We can also use this knowledge to manipulate others into doing things we want or into liking us. This feeds our ego and gives us a false sense of confidence.

An example of this would be an ENTP acting nice and caring towards a person, not out of the goodness of their heart but with the intention of wanting to be liked by people. Later on, when the ENTP needs something from said person, they would guilt-trip the person into helping with something along the lines of, “I’ve done so much for you. I helped you when no one else did, and I’ve always been such a good friend. We’re friends, aren’t we? So you’ll help me, right? You’ll help me because I’ve always helped you, right? Because that’s what friends do, after all. And we’re friends.”

An unhealthy tertiary Fe can quickly lead to an Ne-Fe loop.

What does an Ne-Fe loop look like?

During an Ne-Fe loop, we tend to overlook or ignore the advice of our auxillary Ti. Fe is an extroverted function, similar to our dominant Ne, meaning that we can easily become heavily concerned about the external world. Without the introspective view provided by our auxillary Ti, it is very easy for us to become defensive about our inability to manage problems and blame our surroundings or other people instead of looking within ourselves and our own shortcomings.

Interestingly, those of us in an Ne-Fe loop have a constant need for approval from others. We aren’t consciously aware of this so it can be difficult for us to recognise that this is happening until either the situation gets out of hand or someone points it out to us.

There is a lot of insecurity involved and we have very little confidence in our ability to make decisions and good judgments without the approval of others. Wanting to feel confident about ourselves, we are likely to seek admiration by manipulating people and other social situations. There is a lot of anxiety about how people see us and a lot of pressure in wanting to be admired and seen as independent and capable.

This can manifest in wanting to achieve certain results such as getting the top grades, buying the best clothes etc. This puts us in situations which would, under normal circumstances, be unreasonable for us (such as taking on too many responsibilities than we are able to handle), and it also puts us under unnecessary pressure. Such an anxious and eager-to-please mindset takes a huge toll on our mental health, eventually leaving us unable to manage the issues created by our Ne-Fe loop.

How to get out of an Ne-Fe loop?

At first, an Ne-Fe loop can seem very empowering. It can seem like everything is under our control and that we have the ability to manipulate situations to fit our Ne’s liking. However, this later causes problems (both mentally and in our surroundings) that simply Ne and Fe can’t handle by themselves.

At this point, it is important to take a step back and reintroduce auxillary Ti to its rightful place. Healthy Ti helps us to make better judgments by allowing us to reflect on our decisions before we decide to act on impulse.

We can help re-engage our auxillary Ti by:

Considering possible future consequences of our immediate actions. (e.g. “By saying this, will I be seriously offending someone?”)

Taking into account the pros and cons of a decision. (e.g. “This subject seems the most exciting, however that subject has more opportunities to learn such and such.”)

Prioritising. (e.g. “Yes, I could work on that side-project now. It sounds like a good idea. However, then I would be taking out time that I could spend studying for my exams in the next two weeks. Hm. I’ll study for my exams instead and then, after they’re over, I can set aside time to work on my side-project.”)

I should note that there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to achieve certain outcomes such as having good grades and whatnot which I mentioned earlier, but not at the expense of our mental health, and most certainly not while just running for it, hoping it will happen, our only intention being to impress others.

With the help of Ti, and later Si, we can achieve specific results with better precision and carefully planned steps to ensure that we can do it to the best of our abilities. This will reduce wasted time, energy and errors while also helping us to be much happier and confident with our decisions.

Related: What is an Si-grip like?

Adventure is worthwhile in itself.

-Amelia Earhart