look at me now (part one)
--- steve harrington x fem!reader
childhood friends to strangers to lovers. this is a more realistic look at developing a relationship with steve, set in canon while you know nothing about the monsters, or the nightmares, or all of his scars.
a fic about knowing steve before, during, and after the events of the upside down. including all the ways your friendship with him grows, wilts, then grows again - to blossom into something he probably doesn’t deserve.
tags: fem reader, no use of y/n, childhood friends, typical king steve meanness, yes there is an allusion to steve being icarus, kissing, fighting and making up, cliches, a lot of emotions, depression and suffering etc, reader has an aunt, mentions of death and injuries, codependent steve and robin, steve is so so so so so so so sad. hawkins doesn't get destroyed after the vecna fight - everything else follows canon
please read both parts, i worked so hard on this fic and i'm really proud of it :)
part two!!!
word count: 14878
-
You knew Steve Harrington better than you knew anybody. At least, you liked to think so.
You were five when you moved to Hawkins into the house right next door to Steve’s, and as things go when you’re a kid, that automatically made you best friends. At that age you didn’t have to try to be friends with somebody - as long as they lived nearby and had a bike, that sealed the deal.
He was only knee high to his mother, hiding behind her legs when she brought him over to introduce themselves. “We’re the Harrington's,” she said, then with a tight laugh, “minus one - my husband. This is our son. Steve - say hi, Stevie.”
He didn’t. Your mothers started a polite conversation and your eyes darted between the tall woman and her son. She was dressed like she had somewhere important to be, with red lipstick painted on her lips and pearls hung around her neck. She was pretty.
Her son didn’t stand with the same pride she had - he was peeking at you, tugging the hem of his mother’s dress and looking down at his feet. You could hardly get a good look at him, and he didn’t even wave back at you. His haircut was prim and proper; the button up shirt he wore was swallowing him.
They came inside for lemonade, and you led Steve into your living room, and by the end of the hour you had instantly become friends, bonding over your toy car collection that Steve loved.
You were kids - of course things were so easy.
To see him, all you had to do was walk over to his front door and knock, and you could spend as much time together as you wanted. Or just wait until his parents needed a babysitter - after they learned how much you and Steve loved spending time together, they started to drop him off at your house and you’d have sleepovers for days.
It was when Mr. Harrington had gotten a big promotion that they’d leave Steve with your family nearly once a week.
“I’m sorry, Stevie, I know me and Dad haven’t been home much lately. But next month isn’t as busy for us,” his mom would tell him.
“It’s okay, Mom,” he’d reply. “Don’t worry, I like staying here, so I’m alright.”
At your age you didn’t see the irony in a seven year old telling his mother that things were okay - shouldn’t it be the other way around? - but those apologies from his mother wouldn’t last very long. And the promises she always made were never kept. Soon enough, she stopped making them altogether.
Sometimes he’d just show up at your door, and your parents didn’t have to ask questions because they already knew more than you did, and you didn’t understand that he was more comfortable in your bedroom than in his own.
The routine of your friendship felt like the foundation of your life. Everything you did was with Steve by your side, like you were tied together with an invisible string that couldn’t be broken. Snacks after school were a must; movie nights every other weekend were your safe haven. The last day of school every year you camped out in his backyard under the stars and then woke up early for a big breakfast and a day spent at the arcade. Even as you got older, those things stayed the same.
You had busier schedules to work around in high school but you still made it work. After-school lunch turned into midnight snacks, and you moved from the arcade to the lake, but you were still intertwined with child-like joy and ease.
Steve’s other friends were another story. Tommy H was a thorn in your side that you couldn’t pick out, but Steve didn’t get why you hated him so much. At first, you didn’t get it either - you just did.
Until one day early in your junior year, Tommy H gave you a good enough reason for your disposition.
Like always, Steve was waiting for you outside of your last class of the day, and you were just about to turn the corner when you heard Tommy’s loud, boisterous, annoying voice.
“Steve, my boy, what’cha standing around here for?”
Steve laughed, even though Tommy had said nothing funny.
“Waiting on your favorite girl so I can get outta here - what’s up, dude?”
“Come on,” Tommy said, dragging the words out. “We got shit to do, ditch her and let’s get a roll on, if you catch my drift.”
You could see his stupid face in your head as he spoke - you just wanted him to go away so you could leave. But you’d wait there forever if it meant you didn’t have to have a conversation with him.
You were hardly paying any mind to their words.
“Can’t, dude, I’m her ride home. Tomorrow though, for sure.”
“She’s holding you back, man.”
But that caught your attention. They were both laughing even though, again, no one had said anything funny.
“Y’think so?”
“She even put out?”
Your eyes rolled so far back to your head they could’ve gotten stuck.
“It’s not like that with her.”
“Oh, that’s not what Kimmy thinks.”
“What? What do you mean - did she say something?”
You knew Kimmy to be the new flavor of the week, Steve’s new eye candy. It’d be someone new in a matter of days - and this was one brand new trait of his you were struggling to overlook.
“Just saying, most of the chicks think you’re taken by Miss Bitch -”
You call Tommy H a dickhead to his face one time and he gives you a nickname that sticks for three years.
“- and that’s why you’re not getting any action, dude. Gotta shake off the fleas, man.”
And then Steve laughed. Loud.
You weren’t sure what you were expecting him to do. You hoped he would defend you even a little bit, but he didn’t. He just laughed, and said, “I’ll think about it, man,” as if he was in on this joke, and then Tommy left.
And you didn’t know how you felt.
It’s not like Steve said it. But he had no problem listening to Tommy H talk about you that way. He thought it was funny.
Or, he was just saving face - did that make a difference?
You knew Tommy’s words were complete bullshit, and you didn’t care about him enough to let it affect you. Maybe Steve felt the same - maybe he just went along with it because it was easier.
You hoped so, because that’s what you chose to do. You brushed it off and walked out of the room and acted as if nothing happened.
“Hey - about time.”
You didn’t reply; he continued talking as you walked together.
“You hungry?”
“Thought you were coming over,” you said. “Told you I wanted to build a blanket fort. Remember?”
He huffed out a scoff, “A blanket fort? Are you six?” The glare you gave him made him reel his judgment back in. “Fine. Let’s go.”
…
As soon as basketball season was over and you had your weekends back to yourself, you were ready to get through your watch list of movies as quickly as possible. You’d never tell Steve that cheering for him at his games was your least favorite part of your friendship with him - you would always keep that selfishness to yourself.
And if you weren’t so wrapped up in your own mind, lost in planning your movie night, you may have been able to see your next conversation with Steve coming.
“There she is, been lookin’ all over for you.”
A heavy arm slung around your shoulders as you walked down the school hall. You didn’t have to question who it was.
“What do you want, Steve?”
“Just want to see my best friend in the whole world, is there something wrong with that?”
You rolled your eyes. Obviously he’s up to something.
“I’m going to choose to ignore you,” you said, shaking off his arm and stopping at your locker. His back fell into the metal next to you.
“What’s up?” he asked, and he was trying too hard to be inconspicuous, but you ignored it.
“Nothing. Oh, I think I finally have a cookie recipe we’ll like. Mrs. Jenkins gave it to me but she made me swear I wouldn’t share her secrets. Gonna pick up the stuff after school - have you picked your movie yet?”
Then his eyes widened, a bit too much to look genuine. “Oh, shit, is that tonight?”
“It’s Friday, isn’t it?”
“I completely forgot about that, shit. I made other plans without thinking.”
“Well, cancel them,” you said with a straight face.
“Well… what if you join in on my plans instead?”
You closed your locker and didn’t even consider entertaining Steve’s idea. “My mom’s already planning to make dinner for you. Are you ready to face her wrath?”
“Well - no,” he said. “It’s just - y’know, I was supposed to see Nancy tonight, and…”
“Oh, I get it, you wanna cancel so you can get laid. Is that it?”
“No, Christ - I’ll be there, alright? But next time, I’m getting my way.”
You laughed at him, and the bell rang and ended your conversation.
You didn’t think the night would go any differently than your normal hangouts. Maybe if you were expecting it, the disappointment wouldn’t have stung so bad.
He called you early.
“Hello?”
“Hey -”
“Hey, have you picked up the movies yet? I forgot to get popcorn, so…”
“No, I haven’t. Listen, um…” There was static on the line for a moment before he continued. “Sorry, but - can we - are you sure we can’t reschedule? Like, tomorrow night?”
You groaned, you were annoyed. But even when he argued with you, Steve never ditched your valued traditions - he may act bothered sometimes, but he would always come around. Even if he did gripe about it being childish the entire time.
That’s what you thought this would be.
“No, Steve, I have book club and tutoring and dinner with my aunt tomorrow. You know this.”
“Right. I guess I forgot about that. Okay, well…”
“...Well?”
Once again, he was quiet, and you weren’t sure if he was hesitating because he didn’t know what to say, or because he was nervous.
“Well - I think it’d be really fun if we hung out at my place tonight!”
“I guess I can bring all the ingredients for the cookies over. You do have a nicer oven…” you said.
“No, like, you can come over with everyone else I invited and we could -”
“I thought you canceled that?”
“I was going to, but… Tommy wouldn’t take no for an answer! And we already got the booze, and Nance finally said yes and - and I’d be really happy if you were here too!”
“...Okay.”
“Okay…?”
You thought for a moment, then decided to ask him the question you were asking yourself.
“Would you be happy if I was there, or would you be happy if I’m not mad at you for canceling?”
“Uh - either one.”
“Right.”
That answer was good enough for you, even though it wasn’t the one you wanted. You weren’t getting anything you wanted that night, and you weren’t going to fight for it with someone who already had their mind made up.
“Then have fun,” you said.
“Really? We can cancel?”
The excitement in his voice caused an angry laugh. “Yeah. Bye.” And you hung up.
And you made your cookies, and you watched the movies you already had on tape, and you didn’t miss the popcorn but you wished you had Steve’s lap to put your feet on - and it was fine.
You were sure he was having fun. And maybe he didn’t care at all about your canceled plans - because he was too busy with people who didn’t like you, doing something more exciting than what the two of you did as kids.
It was selfish to be angry. Maybe it was wrong. But you let it boil over anyway.
…
You didn’t talk to him for a week after that. Because you didn’t want to, and you wanted to teach him a lesson, and you hoped it would make him sorry.
Maybe you were being immature, but at this point, you were committed.
You were afraid that you were setting the wrong example - that, maybe, he thought you were angry about him making his own plans, when the problem was how he’d canceled yours so last minute. Or perhaps it was both. But now you had dragged it out too long and you were stuck giving Steve the cold shoulder until he finally caved in and apologized.
That’s all you wanted, really: an apology. And a bribe or two, just to get the most out of this argument. That’s how things usually went: you give him the silent treatment and he shows up at your door with your favorite snacks and a new book, and things would go back to normal.
But not this time.
You’d managed to bike to school without being caught by Steve all week, but you’d underestimated him waiting for you at the bike racks at the end of the day on Thursday.
He stood with his arms crossed and his brows drawn together. The moment you saw him you stopped in your tracks, like if you stayed still he wouldn’t see you, but his gaze was locked on. It didn’t look kind.
So you prepared yourself for this fight.
“What are you doing?” he asked, but his tone said something different - it said, I’m sick of your shit.
“What are you doing?”
He scoffed and rolled his eyes, “Just wondering how long you’re going to keep dragging this out.”
You kept darting around his words and moved to get your bike as if he’d let you leave so easily. “I’m not dragging anything out. Don’t know what you mean.”
His arms flung out to his sides as his voice raised, “You’re acting like a fucking kid!”
And your volume matched his, “You hurt my feelings!”
“Well - grow up!”
The short silence that followed felt heavy, but he didn’t let it sit for long.
“I mean - come on - I ditch you one time and all of a sudden we’re not friends anymore? Really?”
“A sorry would be nice, Steve.”
“I’ve said sorry.” Both of you knew that he hadn’t, but it didn’t matter now. “But sorry isn’t enough, is it? You’re just mad that I have new friends. Because I don’t want to just - sit around and fucking - watch movies in your living room like we’re kids -”
“Like we’re kids,” you said, laughing. “Yeah - right, because that’s really what this is about, isn’t it, Steve?”
He looked confused, and you didn’t give him the chance to speak.
“Because I’m holding you back. Right? Tommy H said it so it must be true. I’m a bitch and I’m keeping you down and you need to shake me off if you ever want to get any action - that’s what it is. Just say it, Steve.”
“Where is this coming from?” He ran a hand through his hair and his voice sounded desperate, but you weren’t sure what for. Maybe to salvage the remnants of a wounded friendship, to turn this conversation around. But your anger wouldn’t let him.
“You know where it’s coming from. I heard it, Steve, and you - you agreed with him! I’m your best friend but you can’t even defend me to your shitty fucking friends - so just say it! You’re the one who doesn’t want me around -”
“That’s not what happened -”
You were so angry, and he was lying, and Steve never lied to you, and he’d filled you with so much venom that you couldn’t help spitting it out as you stepped closer to him. “It is. And you’re turning it on me when you’re the shitty friend. Stop lying to me and just say it.”
“Yeah, maybe that is what it is - and I was just too fucking stupid to see it before now. That you’re so fucking clingy I can’t even have one night with a girl without you getting jealous. He was right. Is that what you wanted to hear?”
“Yeah, it was,” and you pulled your bike free and your foot hit the kickstand so hard that it hurt, and you told yourself the pain was the reason tears were flooding your eyes.
“Maybe I’m better off without you - have you ever thought about that? Is that your fucking problem?”
“Whatever! I don’t care anymore! You never have to watch another fucking movie with me again, alright? We won’t go to the arcade or build stupid fucking blanket forts or any of the other childish shit you hate so much!”
“Good - fucking - good!”
“And I hope you have fun playing King, and I hope when all your friends turn on you and Nancy dumps your ass - because you’re an asshole - that I’m the last person you run to for help, and I hope your dad is real fucking proud of you, because you’re turning out to be just fucking like him.”
It all fell out like you were pushing rocks off of a cliff - fast and angry and hard. You knew what those words would do to him. You knew you were hurting his feelings more than he had ever hurt yours - that you were putting the knife in too deep to pull out. You knew and you said it anyway, because you were mad and he was being a dick and lashing out felt good. Especially when you could hop on your bike and ride away from him, fast enough to avoid watching the blood pooling at his feet.
The worst part is that you were being honest.
Steve stood there alone and didn’t even turn to watch you ride away. He felt like hitting something, or screaming until his lungs were empty and tired.
And he didn’t even have time for any of this. He was finally making decisions for himself, for once, and who were you to get mad at him for that? He was popular, he had a girlfriend who was actually into him, his parents had finally gotten off his back. Things were going fantastic for him and he wasn’t going to let you mess it up because you were… jealous, or selfish, or whatever it was - Steve didn’t care.
He wasn’t going to lose sleep over you refusing to grow up and give him space. He was on top of the world, and you were trying to tear him down.
He didn’t need you, anyway.
…
Months passed.
And, like you had put a hex on him, all of your words came true - and then some. It didn’t take very long for things to crumble around him, and Steve almost thought it was funny how quickly his wings had melted to send him hurling into the ground.
No matter how hard he tried patching the holes, everyone knows you can’t fly with wings made of wax.
The fall hurt. But it was what came after that brought the real pain - a stinging, striking ache that was impossible to ignore. It felt like he was the last person on earth and he deserved it; like he shouldn’t be allowed to be around other people because he was no good.
And every time he tried putting the pieces back together, things only got more broken - all starting at Jonathan Byers’ front door.
What could get worse than fighting a monster from an alternate dimension?
Or fucking things up with your girlfriend beyond repair?
Or fighting those monsters again?
He learned quickly to stop asking stupid questions like those.
And he learned that he couldn’t just close his eyes and wish it away. He couldn’t run when things got scary; he couldn’t lash out when someone was honest with him; he couldn’t sneak out of his window and into yours when the yelling got too loud. He was forced to face everything he ever hid from, cursed to have regrets and keep them.
At least he wasn’t completely alone - the company of nerdy kid genius Dustin Henderson brought most of these lessons on. And in a normal situation Steve wouldn’t recommend learning anything from a kid in junior high, but he was living anything but a normal life. He’d take friends wherever he could get them, especially during senior year.
Maybe he wanted to set a good example for the kids that suddenly came into his life. Maybe he wanted to prove to himself that he wasn’t his father - that he could do good things without getting something out of it. Or maybe, most likely, he just did it.
He wanted to feel like a superhero, wanted to look in the mirror and feel proud of what stared back at him. But he didn’t, because he wasn’t. He wasn’t brave or heroic or gallant - he was no Clark Kent. And everything he did was because he had to. Because who else would?
Sometimes he felt like only someone as careless as him would fight a man-eating creature with nothing but a baseball bat - because out of everyone he knew, he had the least to lose. Why bother making safe decisions when most days he didn’t even want to get out of bed? What was he risking when he’d already bet it all and lost?
And who would be proud of that?
But there were moments, in the time between the fall and the fight, that he could almost see it. Like a flicker of light passing by he’d see Max smiling at him, hear Dustin’s excited laughter, feel a heavy high five from Lucas and he’d think - oh. Right there, standing in front of him, were the people he had to lose. The ones he was trying to win for.
And then he’d lay in bed at night and get stuck in another sleepless round of self loathing; hatred fueled by every cruel word he’d spit and all the selfish acts he’d taken, and fuck, he was spinning and suffocating and screaming, and maybe he deserved this.
It didn’t matter that he knew how to swing a fucking bat good enough to win more time for the ones he loved, because he wouldn’t love them right, anyway. And he’d turned the best person he’d ever known into nothing more than a crumpled piece of paper on his floor - something to be tossed aside and forgotten. And even if he tried smoothing it out, those creases would always be there.
Sometimes he stared out his window and watched yours. Waited for your light to turn off so he could look away and stop wondering what you were doing and how your life was without him in it.
All he wanted was to see you again. He’d beg for that movie night he ditched on junior year. He wanted to grab you by your shoulders and show you that he’s better now, he’s changed, those last words you told him weren’t applicable anymore and everything can just go back to how it was.
But nothing was ever that easy, was it?
He was glad when graduation finally came around, until he was forced into a sailor’s uniform with an ice cream scoop on his belt like a gun in a holster.
It was one way to spend the summer. It got him out of the house he hated staying in, and put a little money in his pocket, so slinging ice cream at Scoop’s Ahoy was good enough for him.
It distracted him from the vague nightmares he kept having and the fact that he got into a total of zero universities, and the free ice cream counted as dinner on his bad days. And he was fine with his obnoxious co-worker and annoying customers.
He was just fine.
But it was Hawkins. Nothing could stay fine there - not after a little girl with super powers opened a portal to an alternate fucking dimension and turned the town into a magnet for every fucked up thing imaginable.
Steve thought it was over, and then Dustin had him and Robin translating the Russian words he heard over his radio, and they were all pulled back in.
He wasn’t expecting to fall into the Russian lair under Starcourt Mall, to trauma bond with Robin - of all people - or to get any closer to dying than he already had, but he stopped betting on his expectations a long time ago.
By the time he saw the night sky again, he couldn’t remember how many punches he’d been thrown.
His head throbbed to the beat of his heart. It felt like if he tapped his temple, his eye would pop right out. His work uniform was ruined, stained with blood and spit, but the smoke billowing from Starcourt ensured that he wouldn't be needing it anymore.
The events of the night felt like they were years away. All he remembered was running, screaming, crying; he remembered the fist coming toward his face but not the impact. He woke up to pain, and then it was gone - more running and bleeding and fighting and then, it was over.
Robin sat next to him, shivering, on the back of an ambulance. The lights from the siren were blinding, the noise around him was punching his ear drums.
“Are we alive?” Robin asked. Her voice was totally shot.
“Think so.”
“I want to lay down so bad.”
“Yeah,” he nodded. “Do you have someone to call?”
She sighed deep. “Not really.” She let it be quiet for only a second, then said, “I don’t really want to go home. To be honest.”
“You wanna spend the night here?”
“If I don’t have to be alone, then, yeah.”
He sighed, too, then patted her knee.
He said, “I’ll call someone, alright?” and she nodded.
The payphone was a bit of a walk, and he had to wait behind two people in line, but it was enough time for him to muster up the courage to make the call. Even still, when he had the phone in his hand, all he could do was stare at it.
He was trying to remember the exact words you said to him the last time he spoke to you. Something like, “I hope I’m the last one you call,” he was sure. It was hard to remember your phrasing now, but the memory still stung all the same.
And he knows it’s not fair to call you, but he was going to anyway. Because in all honesty, you were the only option he had.
Any other time, he’d rely on Hopper for a ride. But Hopper wasn’t around anymore.
So he dialed your number and prayed you hadn’t changed it from the one he knew by heart.
-
Your hand darted out of your blanket to reach your bedside telephone. The ringing killed your half asleep ears, and you hardly knew what you were doing when you put the receiver to your ear.
“Hello?”
You could barely get the word out; your voice was thick with sleep that was slowly creeping over you.
“Hey. It’s Steve.”
With your heavy eyes shut, sleep was pulling you back in. Your whole body jumped a little bit when you attempted to stay awake.
“Steve?”
“Yeah. I’m sorry for waking you up, but -”
You didn’t know what was going on, and then you heard sirens on the phone. A jolt of anxiety seared through you at the sound. That’s what got you to wake up - then you realized who you were talking to.
“Steve?”
“...Yeah.”
“What - what’s wrong?”
Your heart was pounding out of your chest as you sat up in bed, holding yourself up with one shaky arm.
“I’m sorry,” he said, and you held your breath until he answered your question. “There was an, uh - accident at Starcourt, and - I don’t know who else to call. I’m sorry, I can’t drive right now and I don’t have anybody else.”
“Are you okay?”
“Barely.”
You didn’t give your answer a second thought. “I’ll be there in, like, five minutes, okay?”
You could hear his breath of relief over the phone. “Okay. Thank you.”
After stealing your mother’s car keys, you stuffed your bare feet into combat boots and ran to the car. Even though you still only had your learners permit, you absolutely floored it to the mall without a single thought in your mind. It was like you were on autopilot, simply doing what you were supposed to, because you were scared.
You saw plumes of smoke before Starcourt ever came into view, and you swallowed through your dry throat because you knew something bad happened.
You had to fight through crowds and cops before you were allowed to pass under the police tape to search for Steve, which wasn’t easy. Every face you saw wasn’t his and each second that passed dug a deeper pit in your stomach.
The second-to-last ambulance in the lineup is where you found him, sitting next to a girl whose head was on his shoulder.
And when you saw him… it wasn’t him. Your eyes glazed over him because he was hardly recognizable.
You’d seen him beat up before. He’s had his fair share of fights at school; you wiped blood off his face and helped him nurse black eyes. But it was never like this.
His left eye was swollen shut. Crimson stained from his eyebrow to his jawline. His skin was aggravated red, his clothes were blood rusted, his knuckles were ripped open.
And still, somehow, his hair looked perfectly done. That sight alone made you want to laugh and cry at the same time, because of course he managed to keep its style untouched. It was so Steve.
You ran to him; your legs carried you there on their own, shoelaces smacking against wet pavement. You weren’t thinking when you called out his name or when you flung your arms around his neck. You hugged him like it would heal him, like the scent of your perfume could cover the smoke he smelled of.
It’d been almost a year since you’d talked to him, and the jagged edges of your ended friendship still cut deep, but you didn’t care. Not when he looked the way he did; not when he was hugging you so tight; not when your tears were dripping onto his skin.
You pulled back and looked at him, and his wounds didn’t look any better up close.
“Oh my god, Steve, are you okay? What the hell happened?”
“I’m alright,” he said. He wouldn’t look at you, or couldn’t bring himself to. “I’m just glad you came. I’m sorry -”
“Don’t,” you said, and then you looked around at the scene. “Have the paramedics even seen you? Why are you just sitting here?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I - I’m fine. They said I’m fine. They’re all busy with others but - I’m fine, don’t worry.”
That’s when you noticed the girl next to him, who was looking at you like you were crazy, and you realized what you were potentially barging in on.
They sat close - too close to be friendly. They were basically cuddling when you first saw them. It was obvious what they were, so of course she was looking at you that way.
You didn’t mean to make her jealous, but a part of you didn’t care.
“Are both of you okay?”
“Yeah,” Steve said, answering for the two of them. The girl nodded. “This is Robin, by the way.”
You introduced yourself to her, trying to be cordial even though you were meeting in the worst of situations.
“You two can stay at my place tonight, if you want to,” you told them. Steve asked Robin if she was okay with that, and she said yes, and so you led them to your car.
You weren’t sure why you made the offer to Steve - you wanted him with you, sure. After seeing the condition he was in, you wouldn’t sleep unless you knew you were keeping him safe and sound in your own bedroom.
Old habits die hard.
But, all things considered, you should have just taken him to his own home, where he could be with Robin in peace. Without cut ties lingering in the air like flies.
You drove him home anyway.
Nobody spoke until you got to your bedroom.
“Do you need a shower?”
“Yeah,” Steve said. Robin nodded.
“Okay. Robin, you can take my bathroom. Steve can shower downstairs.”
You dug through bottom drawers to find clothes for each of them - you still had the ones Steve kept stored there, as embarrassing as it was, so it wasn’t a difficult task. And you’d let Robin choose from your pajama drawer.
And then you got back into bed, because you didn’t know what else to do for them.
Robin stood in the doorway of your bathroom, just staring into the room. When Steve opened your bedroom door, she snapped her head back to him.
“Steve?”
“Yeah?”
She glanced over at you. You wanted to hide from the tension in the room.
“I - I don’t know how to use this faucet.”
He showed her how, and then made for the exit, but she called for him again.
“I was just thinking - you know - if we both shower at the same time, won’t the water pressure be super low? And what if the hot water runs out before I’m done, and -”
“I’ll be quick, Robs,” he said. “It’ll be fine.”
Steve took one step into the hallway before stopping. The darkness looked like it went on forever. He didn’t remember your house being so unlit, or having so many hiding places, and suddenly his legs were shaky.
“...You’re probably right, though. I’ll just wait out here until you’re done.”
“Yeah. And I’ll keep the door cracked open, for… all the steam.”
“That’s a good idea.”
And he sat on the floor right outside of the bathroom door. When Robin was finished, they swapped places. As if they couldn’t be apart for longer than twenty minutes.
You didn’t ask them any questions.
…
The two of them slept on a pallet of old blankets on your bedroom floor. Robin made Steve sleep closest to the door. He tried not to be upset about it.
And he didn’t think he’d be able to sleep, but it seemed to swallow him. He didn’t dream, or toss and turn, but he woke up unrested.
Everything still hurt just as bad as it did the night before. And Robin’s snoring was making his headache worse.
You were no longer in bed, so he decided to get up and find you.
He wasn’t sure what kind of interaction he’d be walking into when he found you in the kitchen, but he tried to keep his head high.
“Good morning,” he said.
“Hey.” You had a mug in your hand. “Your eye looks better.”
“It doesn’t feel any better,” he said, and he wanted to make a joke that it actually looks worse - because when he closes his right eye, everything’s blurry - but he held that one in. He wasn’t ready for a comedic coping mechanism quite yet.
You put Tylenol on the island that separated the two of you. “Take them. I don’t know if it’ll help much, but it can’t hurt.”
The bottle said to take two, so he took three. And then the awkward quiet started washing in.
Until, “I saw what happened on the news,” and Steve almost coughed up the water he was chugging.
“What are they saying?” he asked, because he didn’t know what story he was supposed to be playing along with.
“Just talking about the fire,” you said. Your voice sounded so dim, and Steve hated it. “It’s… crazy. Hopper… he…” You couldn’t say the word.
“I know,” Steve said.
“And thirty others.”
His throat felt dry. “Thirty?”
Truly, he didn’t know that many people hadn’t survived. And now, it all felt real. Really real.
“Yeah,” you replied. “I’m just glad - you were lucky to get out, Steve.”
You had no clue how lucky he’d really been. And hopefully you would never have to know.
“I know.”
You sat your mug down, brushed your hands on your chest like you were trying to wipe off everything you knew of the accident, then blew out a loud breath.
“Let’s just think about something else.”
Almost at the same time as you, he spoke. “Thank you.”
“...What for?”
“For coming to my rescue,” he said, huffing a laugh. “I know that I… didn’t really deserve it.”
“Don’t thank me, Steve.”
“Seriously. You could’ve just told me to walk home, but you didn’t.”
“I’m just being a good friend,” you said, then shrugged. “I hope you would do it for me.”
“In a heartbeat.”
He wondered if this was his chance to say sorry.
Or if there was even a point in it.
He was afraid you’d do no more than laugh in his face, and even if he deserved it he didn’t want to succumb to it.
But he had to. Because he almost died last night. And he could be fighting those monsters again, any day now. Was he going to lose this chance? Or is he going to die without saying another word to you?
He stared down at his ripped knuckles. The wounds still looked fresh. They stung just from touching the open air.
He stared, and stared, and stared, and - he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t say a word. He couldn’t face it.
Your footsteps toward him made him jump back.
You were holding a box of band-aids.
You held out your hand, asking for his without words, and he offered both of them to you. First his right, then his left, were covered in pink, green, and yellow band-aids by you.
It was gentle and kind, the way you went about it. Like you would hurt him even more if you weren’t careful.
He still had dried blood under his nails and splinters in his palms. He watched your clean hands holding his beaten up ones and he felt bad, because your skin was too soft to bother with the cuts and calluses on his.
But you held them anyway.
He put his fingers through yours and you didn’t stop him. He wanted to cry.
“I’m just glad you're alright.”
He didn’t know what to say - there wasn’t anything to say, he guessed. Nothing to make it better or change anything.
All he could do was squeeze your hand and watch you wipe tears off your cheeks.
Until he noticed a cut on the back of your hand. He pulled it closer so he could get a better look.
“What happened?”
“I dropped a knife while I was cooking last night. It’s fine.”
It looked fine, but Steve wanted to repay your favor, so he pulled a band-aid from the near empty box and put it on your wound.
“We match,” he said.
You laughed. “We’re even now.”
He felt overwhelmed with melancholy. He needed to rest, he wanted to close his eyes and not open them for weeks.
“I should go check on Robin,” he said as he walked backwards toward the stairs. He kept his eyes to the ground, away from the look on your face. “She’ll flip if she wakes up and she’s alone.”
You said nothing.
…
The following days and weeks were a lot of checking on Robin, and Robin checking on him. Too much waking up in the middle of the night and keeping his eyes glued to his bedroom door just in case. Only feeling safe enough if he had a baseball bat hugged to his chest and Robin snoring next to him.
So - he wasn’t doing well, but it was fine. He tried not to complain about it. Robin was the only person he let himself be half honest with - but he kept the truth to himself, because she’d get anxious if he said what he really felt.
Steve was scared. And he didn’t want anyone else to know it, because all of the others acted as if their lives were perfectly back to normal. They were doing well. So he had to be doing well, too. For their sake.
Weeks after that awful night at the mall, he and Robin conned their way into getting jobs at Family Video. He was grateful, because god, he was too codependent on her.
It was a random night at his place when Robin brought you up out of nowhere.
“I just realized, I never thanked your neighbor for saving us that night.”
“You don’t need to. I’m sure she knows you’re thankful.”
“Yeah, but, I feel like I should pay her back.”
Steve shrugged at her words. He didn’t want to think about you more than he had to - it hurt just a little bit too much.
“Should I give her a gift?”
“I don’t know,” he mumbled. “She likes cookies. Get her cookies.”
And Steve didn’t know it, but the next day, Robin rang your doorbell with a plastic box of cookies in her hands. You opened the door and she started rambling from the get.
“Hey - Steve said you like cookies, so, I decided I’d bring you some to thank you. For showing up at Starcourt in the middle of the night and practically saving our lives. And for letting us sleep on your floor. That was really nice of you.”
You didn’t know what to say. Robin seemed weird. You just went along with it.
“Oh - thanks. That’s cool. Thanks.”
She shoved them toward you, and you took them.
“Do you want to come in?” you asked.
Instead of answering, she just stepped through the door. You brought her to the kitchen.
“I hope they’re good. I just got them at the corner store. But all cookies are the same, right?”
“Well - no, but, it’s the thought that counts.”
“Oh.”
The gifted cookies didn’t look much better than the worst recipes you’d made, but you opened the crude packaging and gave them a chance.
They were fine. Maybe a little worse than fine. You gave Robin one, anyway.
“They’re good!” she said, with a mouth full.
“They are,” you lied. “They’re not homemade, but they’ll do. Thanks, Robin.”
You ate half of your cookie. Robin finished hers. It was quiet.
You figured you might as well try to get to know this girl a bit better. At least be polite and make small talk, just to be nice.
So you asked an easy question. “How long have you and Steve been together?”
But it wasn’t as simple as you thought, because she started coughing up the cookie. “What do you mean?”
“...What?”
“We’re not together,” she said with a heavy dose of sass. “God, I’ll never get over people asking me that. I am not dating Steve Harrington. Gross.”
“Oh - sorry, I just thought -”
“It’s fine,” she said. “Everyone always asks. I guess a guy and a girl can’t be friends without everyone making assumptions.”
You laughed. “Yeah. People used to do the same thing to us. Sorry, I didn’t mean to ask a weird question.”
“It’s alright. Actually, I’m supposed to be at his place in, like - well, ten minutes ago. You should come over if you're free.”
“Uh - I don’t know, me and Steve - we don’t really hang out anymore.”
You aren’t sure why you didn’t just make up an excuse. Something about Robin made you feel okay about being honest.
“It’s cool. I’m sure he’d be happy to see you. It’s kind of been just us since what happened with - the fire. The fire that happened. So - you know. It’d be nice to have someone else around. If you want.”
You were curious how this would turn out. So, “sure. I’ll come.”
“Great. You should bring a cookie for Steve.”
You brought the whole box, and decided you would accidentally forget them at his place so they wouldn’t go to waste.
Steve’s front door was yanked open from the inside before Robin could let herself in, and his wide eyes became a little less wide when he saw her.
“Where the fuck were you - you were supposed to be here half an hour ago, I thought you got fucking eaten or something.”
“Relax. I was just making a cookie delivery next door. Chill.”
Robin threw her thumb over her shoulder. You poked your head out from behind her and gave Steve a weak wave.
“Oh.”
“What exactly would she get eaten by?”
“I don’t know,” Steve shrugged. You noticed he was gripping his car keys in a tight, scarred fist.
“Monsters,” Robin joked. Steve didn’t laugh. You did a little bit. “I invited her over. Is that alright?”
“Yeah. Of course.”
You stuck to Robin all the way to his living room, because that was easier than making yourself comfortable. You hadn’t been in this house in ages, and you weren’t sure what to do with yourself.
“Where’s my crossword?”
“I finished it.”
“Asshole. You know I hate that. Just get your own.”
“Whatever, you suck at them, anyway.”
Robin, unlike you, had no reservations in the Harrington house. She kicked her feet up and started channel surfing as soon as she sat on the couch.
“Have a cookie,” Robin said to Steve. You reached the box out to him; he sat down next to you to take one, taking up the spot between you and Robin.
It was weird being so close to him again. His knee was touching yours, and it made your skin feel too hot. Still, you didn’t move away.
“These are shit,” he said with a full mouth.
“Hey!”
You laughed loud, because you completely agreed.
“No, seriously, these are awful.”
“I spent five dollars on those!”
You gasped. “Five? Robin.”
“You should have just given her the money instead. Or thrown it in the trash.” Steve dropped his half eaten cookie back in the box. You put the plastic lid back on and sat it on the coffee table.
“I thought they were good. You’re being so rude right now. They were a gift.”
Steve looked at you. “You didn’t tell her how bad they are?”
“I didn’t - I don’t think they’re that bad.”
“You’re lying,” Steve laughed, then he turned to Robin. “She’s lying.”
“I’m not lying!”
“I know you, and I know you’re lying.”
“It’s fine, guys, you don’t have to spare my feelings or anything.”
You sighed, defeated. “...They are pretty terrible.”
Robin scoffed loud and obnoxious.
“Whatever. I’ll enjoy them.”
…
As it turns out, Robin acted like glue between you and Steve. Neither of you would have ever made an effort to see each other again, out of embarrassment or guilt or both, but Robin didn’t have to unpack any of that baggage. She didn’t even know it existed.
Instead, she immediately saw you as a friend. And she brought you in like she had known you forever.
But Robin and Steve were a package deal. So, if you were a friend to her, you had to be a friend to him, too.
And the two of them were weird. Most of the time, they left you feeling like a third wheel on their friendship.
They could be mean to each other. Rough. They acted the exact way you knew siblings do, but that was only surface level. There was something deeper - more than anything a brother and sister had, because it wasn’t the blood in their veins that connected them. It was the roots they chose to grow into each other that kept them together.
Robin spent the night with Steve more often than she didn’t. And she bullied him for his bad cooking, and he told her when an outfit was ugly, and they stood next to each other like two puzzle pieces that didn’t match but fit together with a hard press.
Sometimes you sat on the sidelines and ached, mourning a friendship that had been buried some odd years ago. It was well beyond rotten - something decayed and unrecognizable now. Even if you dug it up, it couldn’t be the same as it was.
But you wished.
And as you sat and listened to Robin chastise Steve for saying something dumb - watched as he meddled her hair into a purposeful mess, you could only laugh and sink into yourself. You were happy and sad; you cherished your time together and dreaded it, all at the same time.
Above it all, Steve was different. Distant in the way he would never meet your eyes, or laugh too loud at your jokes, or sit too close for too long.
It all felt fleeting. Like that week you spent angry at him - stuck in a weird limbo, between friends and strangers, a frustrating purgatory. Some kind of Schrodinger’s Cat of a friendship - alive and dead at the same time.
You would have just said something, if it felt like you could. But if Steve minded, he didn’t show it. If he missed how things were, he didn’t act like it. And, as you knew him, if he wanted to he would.
And it wasn’t totally bad. It was just new. You’d get used to it with a spoonful of sugar and a hard swallow.
On a random day, you had mentioned off-hand that you had been meaning to visit your aunt’s apartment to drop off and pick up a few things. Steve offered to take you, and you agreed, and the next day, you made good on your plans.
The two of you didn’t hang out without Robin very often. Since early August, the number was hardly a handful. But with the radio turned on, it wasn’t too awkward.
Steve had visited your aunt with you several times growing up. He went to her house-warming party when she moved into her apartment. You were thirteen, and you made a game of pressing every button in the elevator before getting off it. Now, every time you’re there, you think about how you used to chase him down the halls.
Her place was the nicest there was in Hawkins, in the tallest residential building in town. Parking was a nightmare, but Steve kept his complaints under his breath, and he even carried your bag for you.
The elevator was the only thing in the apartment’s lobby. As you pressed the button, Steve spoke up.
“You wanna take the stairs instead?”
“Why?”
He shrugged. You laughed.
“You want to climb eight flights of stairs? No thanks.”
“I’m an athlete,” he mumbled under his breath, sheepish. “This thing is taking forever, anyways.”
It dinged as it finally started moving down toward the bottom floor.
“It’s on its way.”
He stepped back, looked around, and he must have spotted the stairwell. “I’ll race you,” and then he took off.
The elevator door opened as the stairway’s door closed, and you rode to the top floor alone.
He didn’t win the race - far from it, and you laughed as he tried to hide his struggling breathing.
“Been waiting for you all day, athlete. Thought you’d take ‘til Christmas.”
“Psh. Whatever. I’ll win on the way down.”
The elevator creaked and hummed as it started moving down, and Steve glared at it.
You laughed, “You’re weird,” and you left him behind to walk down the hall.
He worked fast to catch up, and called out, “The loser pays for dinner!”
“You know I’d never pass up that bet.”
Your aunt wasn’t home - she rarely was. But a key was under the mat, and as you walked inside her tuxedo cat, Webster, greeted you at the door.
“Hey, dude,” Steve said, kneeling down to pet him.
An old cardboard box sat on the dining table nearby, “Glassware” written on the side in crude permanent marker. It’s what you had been instructed to pick up and take back home - you weren’t sure what was inside.
You sat down and opened it and pulled out the first thing you saw: a white paper bag, one you knew printed photos came in.
“This what you came for?”
Steve stood next to you. He had Webster in his arms, who was purring loud and melting into his hand.
“Yeah.”
“What is it?”
“I don’t know. Family stuff, I’m guessing.” You pulled out a fat stack of pictures and the one on top made you bark a laugh. “Oh my god.”
You and Steve, seven years old, wearing matching cowboy costumes for Halloween - you with a white cowboy hat, him with a black one. You stood with a jack-o-lantern between you. You had your hands on your hips and a frown on your face; Steve had his chin pushed out in a wicked scowl.
You turned it to him, and he laughed just as loud as you. “Look at those two mean mugs!”
“Do you remember this?”
He sat in the chair next to you, continuing to look at the photo over your shoulder. Webster made himself comfortable in his lap.
“Yeah,” he laughed, “We fought all night because you stole my -”
“Oh my god.”
“You stole my full size Snickers.”
“I did not!”
“You did.”
“I didn’t!”
The way he looked at you told you this was still a sore subject.
“You went ahead of me to the Smith’s place while I was trying to tie my shoe and you took her last bar. That’s what happened!”
“That’s not stealing!”
“It is!”
“I didn’t mean to leave you behind! It’s not my fault you didn’t know how to tie your shoes!”
“You didn’t, either. And, I learned before you.”
You puffed a sigh and flipped the photo to the back of the stack. “Why are you still fighting over this? We shared all the candy, anyway.”
“It’s the principle. Theft is a crime, and you never apologized.”
You only laughed. No way were you giving him that apology now.
When you pulled the photos out of the box, you didn’t intend on looking through them all, but your curiosity kept you flicking through them. Most were of random family members or photos of the beach, but pictures of you and Steve were littered throughout the stack. There wasn’t a single photo of you that didn’t have him in it, too.
There were from some first days of school, birthday parties, sleepovers. They were sorted somewhat chronologically - looking through them was pure nostalgia, memories hitting you at every angle as you watched yourself grow up.
The next one to catch your eye was from a middle school dance. Neither of you wanted to attend, but your mother insisted. Your one condition was that you could wear whatever you wanted.
So you and Steve had swapped styles. You wore his way oversized Atlanta Flames jersey, a baseball cap, and sneakers that didn’t fit; he had on your purple sweater, a big pearl necklace, and white jeans.
It was cute, and it was goofy, and you wished you could jump into the picture and relive it.
At that age, the only thing you knew was that you and Steve would live forever, together. Now that you know what you know, your heart ached for the little girl in these pictures. What would she think about the space between you two now?
There were pictures from summer camp, swimming pools, and your first day of high school.
Webster meowed. Steve meowed back at him.
As you got to the bottom of the stack, pictures of the two of you were less and less. The last one - the one you didn’t know would be your last picture with him - was of you, him, and a few of your extended family members. A day spent at the lake that Steve really didn’t want to go to, for some reason only an angsty teenage boy could understand, that you dragged him to. It was the summer before your junior year.
In the photo, his arm was draped completely over your shoulder. You remembered him leaning all of his weight on you - to the point that you fell out of your seat after the picture was taken by your aunt.
And you had fun, like you always did. Steve became a member of your family out of happenstance. It was just because he was always around, really. They all saw him as much as they saw you.
You put that photo to the back of the stack and kept carding through them. You didn’t find any more pictures of you and Steve.
The rest were all more recent. Steve stopped you on one that was of you alone - sat at a dinner table, wearing a cable knit sweater.
“That’s a good one,” he said.
“Yeah. It’s from Christmas. Senior year, maybe.”
You acted like you weren’t sure, but you knew exactly when that photo was taken. You just didn’t want him to know how sad you were in it.
“Oh, yeah?”
“Yeah,” and you laughed, “this was not a fun party.” He didn’t reply, and so you kept talking, sparing him a shy glance. “Everyone kept asking where you were.”
The silence was heavier this time.
“Oh,” he said, trying to bury it. “Yeah.” An awkward chuckle. “I bet that was annoying.”
You laughed and tried to make it sound real - tried to seem like you didn’t care. “Yeah, well, you know how my family always liked you better.”
He shrugged, looking like he was going to make a joke, but he didn’t. His eyes were distant as they moved down to his lap.
You shoved the picture to the back with the rest.
The one behind it was just as lonely.
Still, Steve perked up at it. “Is that from graduation?”
You wore a cap and gown, you held a bouquet of flowers, and you stood all alone.
“Yeah.”
Steve’s hand wrapped around yours holding the picture, and he tilted it toward him so he could get a better look.
“My aunt kept trying to get me to find you for a picture,” you laughed.
“You should’ve.” He smiled something big and real, and you realized with a rush that this is the closest you’d been to him in a while. If you kept looking, you could count the freckles on his cheek. His thumb pressed into the back of your hand. “I remember seeing you. You looked real cute.”
You ignored his compliment to say something snide. “I ignored you so hard.”
Another laugh, “Really?”
“Obviously.”
“Yeah. That’s fair - I would’ve, too.”
You tried not to think about how badly you wished he was standing next to you in the picture.
Steve spoke up, “I -” but you cut him off by accident.
“It’s fine.”
You didn’t mean it. He could tell.
“...Is it?”
It was honest when you replied, “I don’t know.”
He was still holding your hand.
“I never told you I’m sorry.”
“I guess I just figured you were.”
You dropped the pictures on the table, dropping his hand with them.
“Is that good enough?” It was an honest question.
“I don’t know. Maybe it is.”
And your answer was genuine, because you didn’t know. Steve had come back into your life just as easily as he left it - on a whim, without any warning. You didn’t put any roadblocks in his way.
But you stared at the photos spread out in front of you. At the story they told of your friendship that would always be unfinished.
You had to teach yourself how to do life without him. All of those lessons seemed useless, now, because here he was. And you didn’t even know if he ever missed you.
You pulled away from him, a move that was far more snappy than you meant. You did it like he’d reached out and burned you. It had Webster jumping down to the floor.
“It’s fine,” you repeated.
“I think you’re lying just to make me feel better.”
“I don’t know why I’m lying.”
“We don’t have to talk about it now,” he mumbled, and you stood up. The chair scraped the floor in a way that grated your ears. You turned your back to him.
“I thought I knew you.” Your eyes welled up, your nose started to run. You balled your hands up like you were on defense. “I thought you would say sorry, and make everything go back to normal like you always did. But you didn’t. I thought you would miss me, at least, but - but you didn’t.”
“You think I didn’t miss you?”
The shake in his voice had your fist dropping to hit your thighs, defeated.
“I miss you more than anything. I’m sorry - I’m not just saying it to make you feel better, or because I have to, I - I don’t even deserve to be saying it.” He paused, and you could imagine the way he was running his hands through his hair and pacing around with nerves. “I’m sorry for being a bad friend. For not treating you like you deserved - I hate myself for it. You were the best thing in my life, and I know that now. I was just too scared to come crawling back to you because I wasn’t worth your time.”
You breathed in deep, exhaled hard, and it felt like the first breath you had taken in two years. It was that feeling when you’ve forgotten your keys but find the door unlocked - the relief of being let in despite a mistake, it rushed through you, and it had you turning to look at him. You found him standing and staring at you, through you, with glassy eyes you would always know.
“I just miss you, Steve.”
Three steps and then he was around you. And you were safer than a child hiding under their blanket from whatever lurked in their closet - monsters weren’t real if his arms were around you. That had always, always been true.
Webster rubbed up against your leg, then Steve’s. The hug shook with both of your laughter, and he held you tighter.
…
Things didn’t go back to how they used to be after that, but it was close enough. And you were trying to settle into the differences that kept knocking you off your feet.
It started with late night phone calls.
Before, you never talked on the phone. Why would you when his house was a stone throw away? If you wanted to talk, you’d invite yourself to his place.
But the two of you were still dancing on the ripped edges of that two year old fight. Wounds were still healing - almost there, but not quite. So it was easier to take it slow, to treat this time as something brand new.
And it was brand new.
You had caught yourself grinning ear to ear over stories he’d tell you, and you had to force the smile off your face. Like you shouldn’t be acting that way over your friend - you quickly realized you just couldn’t help it.
He’d keep you up too late and tease you for it the next day. And you weren’t sure if he was trying to get a rise out of you, but that’s how you felt. He acted so smug after seeing your cheeks swell in embarrassment.
So it wasn’t going back to how it was before. In fact, it was going down an entirely different road - one that wasn’t even on the map.
You weren’t complaining, because you felt things you hadn't felt before around him. He made you feel warm, and you were addicted to it. You were addicted to him, and you had blind hope that the feeling was mutual.
He’d spend his entire lunch break visiting you, even if your breaks didn’t line up. He’d follow you around the apparel section at Roses and you’d have all your attention on him, just the way he liked it. He made sure to see you every day.
You never thought he’d make you feel so shy, but it was an emotion you couldn’t get enough of. You hardly realized what you were spiraling into until you’d catch him looking at you with a blush on his cheeks, or until you had to stop yourself from thinking about him every night before bed.
But there was something glaring, something major, something you couldn’t look at directly until it came up in conversation with Robin.
Robin and Steve always had Sundays off, so the day was designated to be stolen by their other friends - who were all in junior high.
When you asked why they were friends with junior high kids, Steve called himself their babysitter. Robin said she was their good influence. You avoided asking follow up questions.
It was a lazy autumn day, one where the warmth of fallen leaves reflected in the air - something rare for early November.
The youngest of the kids, Erica, loved putting on a nice outfit and going for a walk. Today it was yellow Chucks, a red silk and pleated maxi skirt, and a long sleeve button up with a rainbow of vertical stripes. (It would have been a tie dyed short sleeve, if Steve hadn’t told her it was too chilly for it.) She had stuck gems beside her eyes, the kind that come in the plastic packets and don’t stay on for long, and Robin packed yellow eyeshadow on her eyelids.
She was downright cute, but if you told the eleven year old that she’d aim her sass at you and shoot to kill. She much preferred receiving a refined compliment, because, “I hear that all the time.”
Today, you told her you loved the way she paired so many colors together. She grinned something beautiful and kicked her foot up behind her and agreed with you.
Steve had once described her as a menace - you didn’t understand why.
You walked with Robin a few feet behind Erica, Dustin, and Steve. Dustin had not stopped talking the whole time, except when Erica butted in. Steve had stolen the younger boy’s thinking cap hat and was wearing it backwards.
“The last time I wore this coat, I found two phone numbers in the pocket.” Robin held up two fingers and gestured to the Letterman jacket she wore. It was Steve’s. “Can you believe that? I mean, what a douche. I wouldn’t even wear this if it wasn’t so warm.”
You laughed. “Yeah, I believe it, actually. They were probably from some cheerleaders or something.”
“Yeah, well, he can’t get any numbers these days. He’s cursed to be forever lame as punishment for the jerk he was in high school.” Robin was smirking wicked and wide, like it was satisfying for her.
“He’s lost all his charm?”
“All of it. I mean, one hundred percent. I used to keep count of how many times he fell on his face in front of girls. It’s magnificent, truly.” Then, quieter, “He’ll get it back, though. One day.”
“He used to have no trouble at all.” The conversation had the gears in your head turning; it had you speaking without thinking. “I don’t know. He’s really different now.”
Robin laughed, like you were joking. “Yeah, he learned manners, for one.”
“It’s not that.” You were thinking out loud. “He’s nicer, yeah, but… it’s almost like he’s not even the same person. I’m not sure what happened.”
The Steve you knew was boisterous. He was unapologetic. He was stupidly confident, the life of the party, and he wasn’t afraid of anything. A wouldn’t take no for an answer, go with the flow, drop of the hat kind of person.
You were lucky to know him when that’s all he was. Before the halls of Hawkins High swallowed him and spit out someone ornery who cared too much but not at all.
You thought it was just Tommy and Carol’s influence. Now that he wasn’t their friend anymore, you thought he’d become who he used to be.
“He told me how close you two were before,” Robin said. She was tugging on a strand of hair that was stuck in her lip gloss. “I guess I never knew him like you did.”
“He’s so quiet now. He used to be so loud.” You meant it more than literally - you hoped Robin would understand. “I don’t know. So much changed and it’s only been a couple years.”
It seemed like she was struggling to reply, because it took her more than a few seconds to get her words out.
“I guess - I mean - I think you’ve probably changed a lot, too. Two years is a long time, right?”
Robin knew. No one could tell, but she knew.
Maybe the differences that you had described of Steve were really there. She wasn’t able to see them the way you could, but she didn’t care. It was selfish to admit that she would never change a thing about him - but one.
He was waiting.
Everyone was, she thinks.
Waiting for another fight.
It wasn’t easy to go back to normal after trudging through hell. It was like coming out the other side of trench warfare unharmed - you didn’t. When a gun fires, its bullets hit. If a bomb is dropped it doesn’t miss a fucking thing, and Starcourt Mall was goddamn ground zero.
And Robin wasn’t there for the disappearance of Will Byers. The death of Barbra Holland. The Upside Down. The Demogorgon. The Demodogs, and the lab, and the girl with psychic powers. She wasn’t there, but Steve was.
Her head hurt just thinking of the stories he’s told her. And she knew his did, too, more often than he’d admit to her.
And she felt bad when her sleeping patterns went back to normal but his didn’t. When she got used to being on edge all the time, Steve still jumped at any noise. His phone would ring and she would watch him prepare himself to answer it - to hear Dustin’s voice on the line telling him that it’s back.
So when you said that Steve’s changed, Robin didn’t know what to tell you. You were right, and she knew that, but she couldn’t tell you why. You knew everything about him besides, well - everything.
Robin wished she didn’t have to know, either. She wanted to tell you that you should be grateful you couldn’t see the shackles on his ankles. You got to know him before - and Robin would give anything for that.
But she couldn’t change a thing.
Instead, all she could do was wait.
And lie.
And pretend.
“He’s still loud,” she said, uncomfortable as all get out.
As if he heard her words, Steve busted out in a stomach hurting kind of laughter at one of Dustin’s stories.
“See what I mean?”
Your destination was in sight now. Steve turned around - letting Dustin steal his hat back - walking backwards, and reached a hand out to you.
“You coming?”
Your pace turned into a skipping sort of jog to catch up with him. When you were close enough he grabbed your hand and didn’t let go. He’d been doing that often.
The kids and Robin broke away, heading for the tiny park that was up on your right. To your left, Steve tugged you to a tiny convenience store.
“Place your orders!” he called.
Dustin and Erica shouted at the same time. Steve mumbled something about not being able to understand them, so you relayed their messages.
“You’re getting two things! No more than that!” he shouted back. “Robin?”
“7-Up.”
“What else?”
“Surprise me!”
You hung onto his arm as you walked into the store, and you weren’t even sure why. He never pulled away when you got that close, so you kept going back.
You went for the drink coolers first. He reached for the apple juice.
“She likes orange juice the best, now,” you said.
“Are you sure?”
“Positive.”
“You better be right - if she’s mad at me over this, I’ll be mad at you.”
You rounded up all the snacks everyone wanted, following Steve’s only two items rule. You laughed when he chose plain potato chips as Robin’s surprise - the blandest possible choice. And while he checked out at the counter, you wandered off into the aisles.
He acted like he didn’t want you to go, pulling you back and asking a quiet, “where’re you going?”
“To look around.”
It was straight to the candy aisle for a Blow Pop for Erica, Pop Rocks for Dustin, and sour gummy worms to share. You liked spoiling them - it helped to get on their good side.
You made a stop at the candy bars to grab a Snickers bar before going back to the counter, and Steve immediately shook his head when he saw you.
“What are you doing? What’s all that?”
“It’s all for me.” You dropped it all for the clerk to scan.
“All of it?”
“Yeah.”
“Even though you said you didn’t want anything?”
“I changed my mind!”
He sighed and squeezed his eyes shut, and you watched his hand move to his back pocket.
“Don’t you dare.”
His wallet was half way out of his pocket as he laughed. “What?”
“You’re not paying. Stop.” You tried to sound mad, and felt you were doing a good job, but he kept giggling at you.
“Oh, are you my boss now?”
“Yes, Steve,” and you bumped into him, trying to push him away. “Don’t make me say your full name.”
“Just let me -”
“Take their things to them! Go!”
You were shocked when he listened, but he only made it as far as the door. He stood against the glass with his arms crossed, staring at you until you finally followed him.
“What are you looking at?”
He pushed his back into the door to open it. “Trying to figure it out.” He reached for your hand, and you swatted it away, only for him to catch you, anyway. And you let him hold your hand, all the way across the street to the park.
Your friends sat at a picnic table waiting patiently. It was actually two tables pushed together, doubling the normal length; Erica and Dustin sat opposite each other on one end, and Robin sat in the middle, crisscrossed on top of the table.
Steve divvied snacks to grabby hands, and you snuck their surprise treats in to the sound of thank yous.
You took your seat on the other end of the table across from Steve. When you sat down, he put a bottle of Coke between you.
“Are you going to share?” you asked.
“Only if you’ve got something to give me in return.”
The Snickers bar made a thud on the wooden table. Steve hummed. “I guess that’s good enough.”
You were almost happy with the trade until you realized, “No bottle opener?”
His eyes doubled their size. “Shit.” Then, he grabbed the bottle. “No, it's a twist off.” The noise he made as he tried taking off the cap was something like a squeak, and everyone at the table laughed.
“Just walk back to the store!”
“Dustin - Dustin! Do you -”
The boy slid a large key ring down the table. It was a wad of keys, keychains, and gadgets.
“It’s on there somewhere.”
There was a mini flashlight, a laser pointer, a plastic Q*bert charm, a pocket knife, keys and keys and keys, a kubaton, and, “Yes!” a bottle opener.
“This is why I keep you around, Henderson.”
“I’m the one keeping you guys around, first of all.”
You grabbed the Coke and guzzled a couple drinks worth in one go, and when you put it back down, Steve had already eaten half the candy bar in one bite.
“Steve!”
His mouth was full when he said, “What?”
“Why can’t you share? Why didn’t anyone ever teach you about sharing?” His laugh was sweeter than the chocolate he was shoving into your face. “Stop, I don’t wanna eat after you.”
“We’ve got the same germs,” he said, and he was feeding you the Snickers before you could make another argument.
The snacks were all gone much quicker than it took to walk and get them, because none of you would ever learn to savor the destination. Regardless, next Sunday, you’d all be sitting in the same spot - give or take a few others, creating a good day for yourselves.
And, if you were lucky, Steve would be holding your hand the whole time.
...
It didn’t matter who you were cheering for on the court, you hated high school basketball games.
Going to Lucas’s game brought back far too many memories than you’d care to recollect. But even though you hated it, you were still filled with pride watching the boy play the game so well.
And Steve hadn’t shut up about it all night. He spoke about Lucas shooting the buzzer beating winning basket like he was recounting a grand story - something from a movie or a comic book. Like you weren’t sitting beside him the entire time.
You stood with him in his kitchen, and the excitement had finally started to settle. You and Steve had spent far too long talking about how weird it was to be back in the high school gym, and both of you agreed that you didn’t miss it at all.
“Is Robin excited for spring break?”
Steve rolled his eyes. “She said she’s spending the entire week here so she can be as lazy as she wants, so - I guess she is.”
You threw a weak fist into his shoulder and he caught it. “What’s wrong with that?”
“She’s gonna steal all my time!” His grin was contagious as he slotted his fingers into yours. “And that means I can’t steal all of yours.”
“Does that mean I’m finally getting a break from you?” You laughed, but he didn’t.
It was weird, the way his entire demeanor changed in a snap. Before you could even take back the joke you made he was shifting his eyes and dropping his grin.
He had always worn his heart on his sleeve, even if he tried hiding it.
“Are you alright?”
“Yeah.” It was a hand through his hair that said the opposite, but you’d never call out his tells. “I just - that reminded me there was actually something I wanted to talk to you about.” He dropped your hand to cross his arms, and it had you feeling nervous.
“What about? …Did I do something wrong?”
“No, honey.” You weren’t sure when that nickname came around, or when it started to stick, but it had a fairy fluttering its wings in your chest. He started to reach for you again, you could see it, but he stopped himself. “You could never do anything wrong.”
You laughed quiet. “Neither could you.”
You moved to stand next to him, mirroring the way his back leaned against the counter. Your arm pressed to his. He was looking at the floor; you were looking at him.
“Are you sure?” It started as a whisper but jumped into a shake, a crack in his voice that said more than he wanted to. And he looked at you, to see if you caught it, and you swore his eyes were shining. He didn’t show them to you for longer than a moment.
“Steve?”
“I just - I don’t want to fuck this up again.”
“How would that even happen?”
He looked at you like he knew something you didn’t. “I don’t know.”
You nudged his arm with your elbow, again and again, until his crossed arms dropped. Your pointer finger snaked around his, and the touch brought enough bravery out of him to link his fingers with yours.
“What do you know?”
He scoffed into a smile, one big enough to reach his eyes, and it brought him out of his funk. “I don’t know,” he said, moving closer to you as he made the joke.
“That’s what I thought,” you replied. “Not a thought going on in your head.”
Making him laugh was the key to his heart - you knew that, and it worked this time as well as it always had.
He had his head turned, cheek to shoulder, staring down at you; you were so close, you could watch his eyes move across your face and know where he was looking. They wandered, but when his gaze lingered on your lips - you noticed.
“I know one thing for sure,” he said.
When you took a loud breath, you’re sure he heard. He gave you eye contact again, and maybe you were seeing things, but you swore you saw question marks swimming in the green.
He didn’t breathe. You didn’t blink. You moved forward just a hair, and he looked back down, so you pressed on. You wanted to be closer, as close as you could get - it was curiosity or desperation, you didn’t know.
When he tilted his chin toward you, it was hardly noticeable. But you saw it, and it was enough. Your nose was just about to touch his - you watched his eyes close, right before yours did. There was nothing to do but move closer, closer, closer.
And then, when you felt just the softest graze of his skin on yours -
BAM! BAM! BAM!
You jumped back from each other like same-side magnets, gasping and jumping at the sound of loud knocks on the front door.
He moved fast, like he was looking for a way out, leaving you alone in the kitchen. “Shit.”
Steve had a good idea of who he’d see when he opened the door. The knob was jingling when he unlocked it, then pulled it open.
Sure enough, Robin. Wearing a flannel that was his, with wild bedhead that he couldn’t help laughing at.
“Did you walk here?”
“Yeah,” she croaked. “Let me in.”
It was written all over her face why she was there, and Steve felt bad.
Even though she asked to come in, she didn’t move. Her features were all scrunched up, her shoulders were hunched into her crossed arms.
“Robin -”
“I fucking hate this.” Loud, echoing into the night and through his door. “I hate it, Steve, and I swear - I swear it’s not over.” Her eyes wet her cheeks; she looked at him through tears. “It’s going to happen again. I can feel it. And I’m scared.”
He had to pull her inside, because he knew she’d stand in the same spot all night if he didn’t. She pushed into him, shoving her face into his shoulder, wiping her tears on his shirt.
“You just need to rest,” he told her.
She spoke something pitiful, not caring that her words were muffled. “The gate’s really closed, right? For sure?”
“It’s over, Robin, it was just a nightmare - you just need some good sleep, alright?”
She nodded, wiped her runny nose into her sleeve, and tried pulling her tears back in.
“I wish I could sleep anywhere else.”
“I know.” It wasn’t any sort of jab - it was just the truth. The only time she was truly afraid was when she slept alone.
She hit a fist into his chest, something playful that made things feel a little more okay, and then took herself to the stairs.
“I’ll be up in a minute to stand guard,” he joked. She barely laughed but it was enough, and he watched her until he couldn’t see her anymore.
And he hoped you hadn’t heard anything, because he wouldn’t be able to answer any questions you had. When he found you in the kitchen you looked nothing but concerned.
“Is she okay?”
All you knew was that she had nightmares about the mall fire. It was a realistic excuse, in comparison to the unbelievable truth.
“Yeah. You know how she is.”
You nodded. Steve wasn’t sure how to go back to the talk you were having before, so he avoided it.
You spoke first. “I hope she’s alright.”
“I should probably go be with her,” he said.
You were perfectly okay with it, understanding as always. “Yeah. She needs you.”
He walked you to the door, and it was too brief for his taste. But when you were there, he spoke up.
“I’m sorry. Can we finish this tomorrow, maybe? I promise - I… I really did want to talk.”
“Of course,” you said, and it was shy. “Don’t be sorry, Steve, she’s more important right now. We can talk any time.”
His arms wrapped around your shoulders for a crushing hug. “I’ll call you in the morning, okay? Before work. We can make plans then.”
And that was it - he watched you make your walk home until you walked into your front door, and that was it.
The moment was ruined, and he might not be able to make it happen again.
…
Steve didn’t call you the next morning.
-
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part two!!!!
