Just This Side of Crazy

[remanence-of-love]

[still-mommag]

I can see the patterns better now. They still scare me in the moment, but I’m not longer surprised when he shows his real self. When he makes veiled threats, even through attorneys. When he tries to accuse me of some wrong doing or another.

I know that when he sees anything I do as a “win”, he’ll retaliate in the ways he can, even if those ways get smaller and smaller as time goes on.

At least I no longer have to be in the same house. My kids don’t have to be in the same house. His control is almost completely gone and for the next bit of time, that will make him more dangerous. I can do this.

[still-mommag]

I may be vacationing exactly in the heart of MAGA country (as in, less than 10 miles from Mar-A-Lago), but at least I got to spend the day snorkeling in a beautiful place! Getting here involved moving flights up a day to escape before a giant blizzard hit New England last weekend, but it was worth it.

[hope-for-the-planet]

“Many people seem to think it is foolish, even superstitious, to believe the world could still change for the better. And it is true that in winter is still sometimes so bitingly cold that one is tempted to say ‘What do I care if there is a summer, its warmth is no help to me now’. Yes, evil often seems to surpass good. But then, in spite of us, and without our permission, there comes at last an end to the bitter frosts. One morning the wind turns, and there is a thaw. And so I must still have hope.”

— Vincent Van Gogh

[aidashakur]

[still-mommag]

This week has been a lot and it just culminated in a rather bitchy email response to my divorce attorney. I think my level of needing to break out of this current stalemate has reached a peak. I’m going to have to negotiate more, and since my attorney is not helpful in understanding the situation of dealing with a narcissistic, abusive ex, I’ll do it myself.

Earlier this week I was sad about a few things. Now I’m starting to feel my “I don’t give a fuck” engage and I need to utilize that.

[still-mommag]

I want to skip to the end. To the time when this divorce is done and settled. When I know where my home will be. Over 18 months of uncertainty and constant battling has worn me down.

I can feel the overwhelm creeping in. I’m tired of other people’s opinions. I don’t want to interact the way I once did.

I’m sure this will pass but I just want to stop.

[still-mommag]

If anyone on here has dealt with a child, or themselves, who struggled to pass classes in their jr year of high school, could you message me?

16 is newly diagnosis with ADHD, just recently started meds and a 504, but really not sure she will pass a couple of classes for this semester. I would love to hear feedback from someone who’s been through this. She feels like a failure and while I’m confident that everything we’re putting in place will help her eventually, I’m really anxious for her. She does want to go to college, and I know how crucial junior year is.

[still-mommag]

In case anyone was still under the assumption that family court has any interest in protecting children, it clearly doesn’t.

Rejecting a GAL motion for a child who has disclosed physical and emotional abuse is fucking insane.

[vampurrring]

maybe growing up is just becoming who you were at 14 again but learning how to love her this time

[fosterbeginnings]

Hurry-if you were on an income based repayment plan and couldn't recert and saw your student loan payment become enormous - DOE has reopened up the application and recert today.

[wholeheartedsuggestions]

reblog to reassure the next person who reads this that everything is going to be okay and it’s all going to get easier soon

[still-mommag]

A week in Mexico with two of my kids was such a great break from everything (with the normal stressors of traveling with teenagers!).

I had never been before and the water, the weather, it all just made me feel like my whole body was taking and releasing a deep breath.

I was very lucky to be able to make this happen, for the three of us. The divorce and kid vs kid stress was greatly reduced and it felt much more normal.

[still-mommag]

For lots of reasons, maybe I should just stay in Mexico

[still-mommag]

Someday he won’t have the power to send me into a tailspin.

Someday I won’t instantly feel like I did something wrong when he throws accusations at me.

Someday I won’t feel like a general failure.

Someday this cloud will fully lift and I’ll feel free.

Someday I won’t have the inner voice telling me that I’m crazy and that I made up everything and it wasn’t “that bad”.

Someday everything will be stable.

Someday I won’t feel anxiety over opening my email, for fear of another snarky or accusatory message.

Someday I’ll sleep well and the nighttime brain will quiet.

Someday I won’t fear the past and the future.

Someday I’ll know he can’t hurt me anymore.

Today isn’t Someday, but I have more Somedays than I used to.

[ryanlewisandclark]

i cannot hate myself into a version of me i will love.

[ryanlewisandclark]

i cannot punish myself in any way that will unmake the past.

[marta-bee]

The Abortion Absolutist

Warren Hern has been performing late abortions for half a century. After Roe, he is as busy with patients as ever.

This was an interesting read. Surprisingly nonpreachy given the subject; and well worth the time.

[the-truth-within-the-lie]

This is oaywalled but it made me weep with relief to see an honest recounting for once, so I’ve saved some good bits:

[the-truth-within-the-lie]