Irrational Thoughts by a Rational Mind

 | Thirty one years old  | 5' 5 | HW 273 | SW 214 | CW 158 | GW 1 149 | UGW 130 | | UG Recovery | Preschool and Pre K Teacher | Psychology Student | The ups and downs. Words written by someone struggling to fight to recover from an eating disorder

[stillivingtorecover]

I’m scared this is the start

As I sat in the living room and got anxious and had the tinge of “I don’t want to eat” thoughts, not the first, or even second day this week, it hit me that maybe this actually is the start of a problem again

I’m sitting in the bedroom while he’s eating dinner. “I’m not hungry”

It terrifies me that this eating disorder could ruin something so amazing and I truly feel like I have no control right now, yet it hasn’t even started. I should be able to get up and go get the food that is already made in the kitchen, instead I sit here on the bed, writing this, looking at the picture of myself in the avatar on here and about how I don’t ever want to get that fat again, about how I’m terrified if I don’t stop eating, I will get that fat again

I told him yesterday I didn’t want to eat anymore, he said “this isn’t an anorexia thing is it?” I said “no, it’s different, it’s just easier than deciding what to eat” and I think I thought what I was saying was true right then, but I don’t think it is anymore. I think I’m getting sick again, I think I could ruin everything

[stillivingtorecover]

I haven’t been around in awhile and I think it’s a good thing but I need to write in a safe, non judgmental place

I’m suppose to be finishing therapy soon. It’s the first time in over nine years that I haven’t been in therapy, and it’s my choice because I’m moving, which is a good thing because I’m moving in with someone I’m completely in love with, but I’m terrified

I’ve only been “in recovery” for a few months from the eating stuff, and I’ve been having a lot of major anxiety issues. Scary things that I’m afraid to tell my current therapist out of fear that she won’t think it’s a good idea for me to be out of therapy. I’m so terrified all the time over things I know, or I guess I don’t completely know, are irrational

But how am I ever going to move on with my life if I keep living in mentally ill world? I want to be normal. I don’t want to keep living like I’m mentally ill. I want to live like I’m normal, which means no more therapy. I can’t keep doing therapy if I’m going to live like a normal person. I want to live like a normal person. I want to be a normal person

[stillivingtorecover]

Bad therapy, angry therapist

I think the hardest part is knowing she knew she was hurting me, she could see she was upsetting me, and she kept going. I don’t think I’ve had someone do that since I was with J. I felt trapped. I knew I could easily get up and leave the room physically, but emotionally I felt like if I got up and ran out, she would be madder than she already was. It turns out, I’m not sure it could have gotten much worse than it ended up

B said she thought she was probably thinking back through it too. I laughed and said I didn't think she cared. B said she thought she did and I laughed and said she’s good at separating things out. But to be truthful, I don’t think she could care less, which is okay except for the fact that it makes her do things like what she did today. Most of the time she seems kind of compassionate, and I think she is compassionate toward a lot of things, but if I say something that at all makes her feel like I’m saying something negative about her, whether I’m intending to or not, she stops caring about my feelings and almost tries to hurt me

She knows I want homework at the end of every session. She knows I get upset  if I don’t get homework. When it was toward the end of the session and things were getting to the worst, she looked at me and said something like I don’t have homework for you today, almost like she was trying to provoke me to go off. I looked back at her and calmly said, okay

At another point toward the end I did get frustrated because more than one time I said I didn’t feel something in a diagnosis, she said I did, and there were other disagreements, so she said the next criteria that happened to be one I definitely fit, and I said, no, and she said, what do you think numbness is? Which is something I had said earlier was something I struggled with, and I said, I’m going to start saying no to everything because everything I say no to, you say I have anyway. She closed the book and tossed it on her desk. I said something like, who's the one with the anger issues now? Because she accused me of having anger issues, which is actually something I don’t struggle with, I’m typically a calm mannered person. Though I do occasionally have situations like this one where I get a little sarcastic and passive aggressive, that’s about the extent of it. Then she said something like, I’m trying hard to control my emotions right now, and I said, you’re not doing a very good job. To be honest, I actually feel bad

When I was leaving, I said the usual good bye like I always do, and she said nothing. I think we both probably should have had some time on the cool down mat

I suppose such is life

[stillivingtorecover]

She asked me what more we needed to work on in regard to the trauma. I think my brain did some semblance of what it’s like when a person talks about their heart skipping because it felt like it stopped for a second. I realized, or thought, the reason she had moved on from talk about my past, was because she thought I was being ridiculous for not being over it already. I asked if she thought we should be done with it and she said that wasn’t what she said, but that wasn’t a no

My mind started to race as she told me my homework was to write what other trauma I thought we should work through. Suddenly I felt more exposed than I had in a long time. If she thought I was being ridiculous, was this a trick? Was she going to look at the list and tell me all the ways I was being ridiculous for not being over this? I pulled myself back and reminded myself that she had never treated me with such horrible behavior, but my mind still couldn’t stop obsessing about those words. About how maybe it was possible she thought I was being immature and childish for still not being able to move past this

The thought of writing a list that could span the length of pages, while feeling disgustingly vulnerable, grossly exposed, seems like and impossible task right now. I can’t do it

[stillivingtorecover]

I might be doing porn on the internet now, but who cares?

[stillivingtorecover]

I’ve gotten to the point where I think everything is mind over matter. Like I’ll feel deathly ill and I’ll think to myself

Nope, can’t be sick, you’re not sick

So I’ll decide I can’t be sick and go about my day and three minutes later I’ll be passed out on the ground, wishing I would have listened to my body. 

But then I’ll take on more in my life. Like I’ll decide a part time job and eighteen credit hours a semester isn’t enough, so I’ll get a full time job and eighteen credit hours and feel tired, and think to myself

Nope, can’t be tired, you’re not tired

And then ten minutes later, I’ll wake up to a crash from something I knocked over when my body went limp after falling asleep upright

It’s kind of like somehow in this eating disorder world, I decided I control my mind and body to the fullest extent possible, even in the basic necessities of life, and I push myself to not need them. Sometimes it costs me more than simple things like bumps on the head and broken lamps

[stillivingtorecover]

She told me this most previous week something about how I treat myself like I’m the one who deserves to be punished, and that’s not the case. I got a little frustrated when she said it because we’ve spent a couple of sessions with me explaining the reasons, not in much detail, about how I should be punished. Sometimes I wonder if I should tell her more about why to make her realize how awful of a person I was and what I did when I was little, but I’m not sure

But she asked me a question. She asked me how long I deserved to be punished for. I can’t remember what I responded with, or if I responded, but I think the answer would be forever. How could it not be? I think since I see what I did in my head on repeat, it’s kind of like I have to be repunished for it every time I resee it or something

I feel disgusting. I feel like a disgusting person. I am a disgusting person

[capricornluna-deactivated201810]

this blog hates donald trump

[pearlmarley]

Look how many people hate him. I’m pretty damn happy about that 😁😁😁😁😁😁

[aggressivetapdancing]

I’ve never reblogged something so fast

[stillivingtorecover]

Yep, couldn’t pass this up

[lovenotereminders]

U know how a laptop gets really slow and struggles if you haven’t shut it down in a while, or have too many programs open, and just closing down some unnecessary things or turning it off overnight can really give it a lease of life?

You’re kind of like that too. It’s okay if you’re feeling burned out to give yourself some time to just shut down and do nothing for a little while. It’s okay to need to put some things on the backburner if you’re juggling too much at once.

[inactive7869]

Me: *eats*

My ed: you look like this

[stillivingtorecover]

I tried to eat like a normal person today. Now I feel like I’m blowing up like a blimp. I ate at a restaurant I couldn’t check the calories for yesterday too. This is terrible. I logically know I didn’t gain visible weight in one day, but somehow it looks like I did to me

[stillivingtorecover]

Full disclosure: Sometimes I think I have to succeed at this eating disorder to prove I’m not a failure at everything

And I hate it

[stillivingtorecover]

I had therapy today and N didn’t talk about my eating at all. I wonder if she thinks I gained weight and maybe she thinks my eating isn’t a problem because of it? I haven’t gained weight, but I didn’t lose much this most previous week, either

She went back to talking about trauma stuff, which surprised me. I’m glad she is willing to talk about trauma, but I kind of need her to give me some direction about where we’re going to be going in therapy. It’s hard for me to jump around from one thing to the other. The session before this one, I told her I didn’t want to work on eating stuff, but then we worked on eating stuff, so I assumed we were going to be working on eating stuff again this session so that’s what I prepared for. We discussed me job some, which lead into trauma talk. However, I started the session with telling her I had made a decision about my job and that I didn’t want to quit, so she said she wanted to discuss that. I told her I was willing to discuss it, but also said I had something else I had written that I wanted to discuss. I think it’s possible she didn’t understand what I was saying though

Unfortunately, the session went to a place I didn’t want it to go and I never like when it goes. We started talking about me getting stuck in a flashback and she asked me how I know this is reality and that’s not real then. I hate when she questions me and I don’t think she understands how much it messes with my head. I start to think she’s trying to tell me I’m not living real life. I know, it sounds crazy

I’m suppose to do self care this week. I hate when she gives me that homework but she said with working, I need to increase self care. When she says self care, she means things that are nice for myself. I told her I don’t have time. She basically said I do. I told her it stresses me and is one more thing to add to my list. She said to think of it in a different way. I wanted to scream. I nodded and agreed instead

I’m almost positive she thinks I’m too fat to have an eating disorder, and that’s why she didn’t bring it up today. I mean, I know I said this most previous week I didn't want to work on it, and if she would have agreed to it then, I would understand why she didn’t bring it up this week, but we spent the session working on eating disorder stuff, and now this week nothing. I don’t get it

[stillivingtorecover]

Can someone recommend some good recovery or mostly recovery oriented eating disorder blogs to follow?

[lovenotereminders]

The goal of recovery isn’t to go back to the way things were before. You’ve grown and changed as a person, and that’s okay - it’s good; it’s natural. You’re not failing at recovery because you’re growing in a different direction than before.

[sad-enbye]

I wanna starve myself and want everyone around me to be worried for me but I also want to go on without them noticing but I also wanna lose weight very fast but I also wanna eat food but I also wanna feel the hunger pangs but I also want to just have a healthy relationship with food but I also don't wanna gain. help.

[stillivingtorecover]