thankyou and goodbye...
i’ve been thinking long and hard about this blog in my absence and i think it’s time i say goodbye. my life is changing, shifting, growing, i’m learning who i am without my disorder for the first time in 10+ years and i think leaving this part behind is a crucial step. i am so incredibly thankful for each and every one of you who have supported me and cheered me on along the way; the support means more than i can put into words ❣️ i’ve been doing a lot of writing as of late so i thought i’d leave my latest musing here as my last post. thankyou all you, truly.
“things have changed. things are looking up. i feel so very different to i ever have before, there’s hope. the summer sun and it’s warm rays and long nights have made a reappearance. and this summer, this summer is different. last summer i was at my lowest weight at the precipice of one of my hardest admissions, lost in the dark fog of my brain. my days consisted of nothing more than my disorder, i was working myself down the bone, quite literally. feinting on the daily, skeletal, my heart just about failing and yet i insisted i was fine. it was like my parasitic disorder had fully taken over my body, i was nothing but a host.
it’s been the hardest year of my life since then. a year filled with the thing i fear the most, change. ive pulled the rug out from under myself more times than i can count this past year. 2 new farm admissions, the whole greta debacle, moving into the city, my first wesley admission and short stint at robina. only followed by two more incredibly painful medical admissions to the wesley. the horrible, dark couple of months spent back in everton hills, at easily my most suicidal. not to mention going back to uni and dropping out all in the space of 5 weeks, a breakup, a sexual assault and crippling, chronic loneliness. this year tested me, humbled me, completely pushed me to my breaking point, knocked me back down to rock bottom time and time again. but if i’ve learnt anything from this past year, it’s that rock bottom serves as the solid foundations to which i rebuild my life upon.
so here i find myself, nearly half way through day program and for the first time, i truly do not want to be ill, to return to my old way of life. there’s been glimpses of this previously but only ever fleetingly, it never lasted. but now, now i have things to loose if i follow the hare down the twisting, dark burrow that is anorexia. my life has been so, so small these past few years, my days consisted of outpatient treatment, group therapy, treatment friends, there was no element of my life left untouched by anorexia. but now my life is getting bigger again, it’s filling up once more. people are getting to know me without the dark clouds of anorexia hanging over me constantly. and each day i get to meet that person more and more, i get to find out more about them, i get to create myself and i think that’s fucking beautiful.
[if you feel so inclined my ig is @h.yarnold]
