Loneliness
This is not really meant for anyone to read. I simply feel like I need to write this down. And some how this platform seems the best.
Loneliness, in my head the word is so close to lioness, it looks very similar and even sounds close, possibly close enough to be confused in a conversation. But it similarities end there. I do not feel like a powerful feline, I feel like crying at nothing and everything. I have trouble falling asleep (hence the writing at 2 in the morning). Sometimes it is hits me so hard I can´t breath. It makes me feel pathetic. I see post almost everyday telling me how great it is to be single, how its better than dating the wrong person, how I should take this time to figure myself out, travel etc. But at the same time I see these post about how great it is to be in a committed relationship, I hear songs about women written with such admiration, I read books about crushes and watch movies about two unlikely people getting together. And it hits me that I have never felt like that for anyone who has felt the same about me. And if it has had the potential to get that way it has never lasted long enough. My longest serious relationship lasted almost three months, where we didn´t see each other over a month. (He was also a compulsive lier but this text is not about how most of my ex´s have some sort of mental issue.)
I have officially tilted into the late 20s part of life and I have never had a serious relationship and at some point it goes from just being lonely to a point of wondering if there is something seriously wrong with me. Am I even capable of letting anyone be a part of my life romantically or am I simply too strange and haven´t found anyone who can handle my madness??
See I believe in love, I believe you can find someone who you can spend the rest of your life with. I am not stupid, I know that takes a lot of work from both, but I believe it gives you something in your life that nothing els can provide. The problem is finding someone who makes you think it will be worth it. One of my roommates is in a fairly new relationship, they meet through Happen, the dating app where you can see people you have walked past or are close to. So apparently you can even find love on dating apps. But all tinder has given me is awkward dates, dates that don´t show, or dates that seem great until the guy ghosts. One of the guys I went on a date with asked me if I was a slut before we even got into the bar, cause you know, he didn´t want to buy me a drink if I was a slut.
I am not saying there are not nice guys out there or that I don´t meet them. Last guy I slept with said thank you in the morning, which is nice, but I knew he had not had sex with anyone besides his ex the past 7 years. It was a “thank you for sleeping with me, now I feel more confident to sleep with other girls” kind of a thank you. The “you did me a sold, I feel better”. Which would have been fine if it wasn´t the third time this year that has happened. Am I the rebound girl, the booty call, the nice to sleep with but not worth my time girl? Cause it sure feels that way these days.
The scary thing about loneliness is that in itself can not do much, it just makes you willing to do stupid things in order to make it go away. It makes you question yourself. And yes maybe being single is better than dating the wrong person, but how the hell do you know if a person is right before you actually have been in a long relationship? And after so many years of feeling lonely you would think it would get easier but it doesn´t. All your friends are in serious relationships, getting married and having babies while you are sitting up writing while listening to sad songs because you can´t fall asleep.