[godsarecrazy]

Need head from a broad with acid reflux. Make it sizzle princess

[tigerator]

how does tumblr think they can possibly police the content on this website

[dogpuppy]

[kiskajaw]

[locked-n-lewded-requiem]

since "cage" is a last name and there are girls named "chastity" it would be theoretically be possible for a girl to be named chastity cage

[dikubutto]

Wake up babe new Austin Powers girl just dropped

[anexperimentallife]

[starless-planet]

Me, age 10, doing an essay on the pharaoh’s curse for school: huh. So this archeologist that died and everyone thought it was because he disturbed the pharaoh’s tomb actually died because he used a rusty razor to shave and it infected a mosquito bite. I can see how people could come to that conclusion, but it is a bit silly

Me, today, shaving my mosquito bite-ridden legs: I must tread carefully lest I incur the pharaoh’s wrath

[voyage-of-the-porn-spreader]

tgis is so fucking funny to me. they accidentally Rock Lee'd a retired racehorse

[julielilac]

[stormageddondloa42]

The Doctor: “Nobody’s from space.”

The Star Whale: ???

[beardedmrbean]

[largishcat]

i actually get a bit annoyed with people who get a bit annoyed when people say “sorry” in response to their bad news. “why are you apologizing you didn’t do anything :/” like okay well a) you don’t know that and actually yes i am the secret architect of all your woes and have been this whole time, way to refuse to acknowledge a woman (gender neutral)’s accomplishments. and b) we’re both fluent english speakers so you know perfectly well that “sorry” isn’t always an apology and is very commonly used as an expression of general regret or sympathy. not in this case, because i have been your secret nemesis for years, meticulously plotting your every misery, but, like, in general

[homosubtext]

what do they put in large rocks that make u just want to. stand on it.

[homosubtext]

i see a medium sized rock and i’m like “god. i need to go stand on this and be 14 inches higher off the ground right now”

[teaboot]

cats near a laptop being like

[queenofcarrots]

(x)

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

*hip checks u*

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

#pov: you are an open drawer

[the-actual-ocean]

The Entirety of Tumblr from Tumblr has been Chucked in to the ocean! You're all wet now.

[real-life-england]

sploosh

[the-official-uk-of-britain]

splish

[official-wales]

sblwsh

[howtoleavetheplanet]

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

realtor whose entire career is just selling (and re-selling and re-selling) the same haunted house

it transpires this is a longstanding con, in which the house (which is hugely haunted) is an active participant

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

a full fledged co-conspirator even. the realtor splits the commission with the house, which uses its cut to get asbestos removal, granite countertops, plumbing renovations you name it. the key being the House desires these things for its self. not for its *shudders* occupants.

it's a strong independent entity! it doesn't need a relationship (with freeloaders who scuff its floors). it's single and KILLIN IT! and by "it" let's just say. heh. an entire upper middle class white suburban family

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

glad we're all on the same page

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

babygirl your cortisol

[5unm0th]

please explain what a "cortisol" is

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

babygirl your health bar

[adz]

one time this nondescript guy came into my dunkin donuts and ordered a small black coffee with blueberry flavor shot, and for some reason that peculiar order stuck with me so much that when, seven months later, i saw him in the parking lot walking towards the door, i quickly made a small black coffee with blueberry flavor shot. he ordered it and i was already holding it. 

i would describe his demeanor that second time as “incredulous”

[honeylemony]

What the fuck who drinks that

[adz]

it’s such a perfectly bonkers order because like, most unusual orders are maximalist and sugary but this one just combines the most basic drink with the most incongruous little add-on. it’s the order of a simple, regular man who has something wrong with him

[phage-necro]

this post always makes me laugh. this guy has the weirdest drink order and he probably never goes to this dunkin’ if it took seven months for the barista to see him again. so think about a coffee shop you go to so little you’re not even sure if you’ve gone there before and you walk in and the barista hands you the drink you were about to order before you even ordered it. he will remember that for the rest of his life

[adulthoodisokay]

“it’s the order of a simple, regular man who has something wrong with him” gets me every time.

[scramratz]

I’m gonna do it! I’m gonna do the dishes!

[scramratz]

I did it! It sucked but I did it!

[scramratz]