Growing up, people would always ask me, "I'm sorry, I just HAVE to know... are you gay?"
...
Do you though?
...
Why would that matter?
...
Is that going to change the way you talk to me?
...
Years ago this might have been my reaction.
Insecure. Defensive. Annoyed.
I never felt the need to "come out" to anyone except those closest to me.
But now, in the world we live in today, I think it's so important to speak out. To be the fullest version of yourself, whatever that means to you.
I want to speak freely on the issues I feel passionate about. And when you know who I am and where I come from you might understand better why I feel the way I do.
I had always felt different. I grew up in a small conservative town in Virginia. Spending my Sundays in church and later becoming a youth leader. I remember questioning the idea that being gay was wrong. Why are they picking and choosing this one thing to be against? Why are we fighting love? My mom, a strong believer in her Christian faith. My dad, raised Virginian, an avid hunter and fisherman who drinks light beer and watches football. My older brother who took to hunting and shooting pellet guns - and me, the baby of the family, running around doing gymnastics and breeding reptiles.
Growing up I was feeling feelings that not everyone was talking about. I was unknowingly crushing on my brother's friends while running around with a t-shirt on my head because I wanted long hair. I was dating girls while knowing something was missing. I had always had this buried feeling that I couldn’t explain or really understand.
It didn't hit me that I was gay until I was 22. When I could actually say it out loud and own it.
I hadn't even MET other gay people until I was SEVENTEEN while I was working at a theater performing in musicals. SEVENTEEN. A crucial year, but only the beginning...
When I fell for the first time (physically AND emotionally) it was for a guy. I had never felt that way before but it was so clear to me after that. There was no more questioning. I suddenly gained this confidence in myself. I had leaped over a hurdle that was bigger than I realized at the time.
And it was all because of love.
Can you imagine now why it is important for people to speak up. (I could give you TWENTY TWO reasons!) Think of all the pain and awkwardness I could have dodged by knowing that my feelings were NORMAL. I was NORMAL. All those times I was bullied in school for my shorts being too short, or my voice being too high... and all the while people all over the world were just like me. Feeling the same way.
A few months after my realization, when I flew home for Christmas, I knew I wanted to tell my parents. Not the most comforting combo to face (as I mentioned before). But I had finally decided that I deserved to be able to step off their eggshells and embrace the life I had been given. With them being divorced, I was lucky enough to have two special moments of flushed cheeks and nervous poos.
My mom still might believe I’m gay in-result of my relationship with my dad (*eye roll*) But that relationship wasn’t there because I wasn’t interested in the same things he was. I wanted to sing and dance on stage instead of shooting birds out of the sky. I needed him to make more of an effort with my interests but it wasn’t in his nature. If it wasn’t my dad, I needed my brother. To be the older brother, to stand up for me, to mentor me, whatever older siblings are suppose to do. Even though I didn’t have that male role model, it didn’t “make me gay.”
My family may never fully understand.
(And bringing home a partner someday could be a whole different battle)
But they’re trying.
In their own way, I know they’re trying.
The love hasn’t changed.
And although I might still have to "tone it down" when I visit...comfort the ignorance...
It's a step.
And as you follow my travels just know that solo traveling as a gay man hasn’t been the easiest (in my experience). I have to be on guard wondering what is accepted or not accepted in every new town, city, and country I travel through. Will I get harassed or beat up if I act too gay? And dating is even tougher. I connect with amazing people all the time. But those connections are different. It's frustrating to feel like you always need to be in a "gay-friendly" area to be yourself and find someone that might like you back. It's like when your mom tells you you can only play "from here until that tree line out there." So of course your instinct is to head straight beyond the trees into the horizon.
Stop putting us in boxes.
In areas.
We are everywhere.
And we have the right to be.
And while some of my family still believe I am gay because I choose to be.
Sure. You could look at it that way.
Because I choose to be myself.
I choose to stop fighting and to love.
There’s no better feeling than knowing you who are and owning it.
I love being gay, and if it was a choice, I would choose it a thousand times over.
I’m still navigating this world. I didn’t have my teenage years to figure it out. I had my 20’s now, I have now. I want to be seen as a friend, not the gay friend. Or the gay brother or the gay son. I want people to be aware but unaware. There’s so much more to me than who I love.
Because I am kind.
I have a good heart.
I can be sassy.
I'm masculine. I'm feminine.
I'm grungy. I'm fashionable.
I'm fearless. I'm scared.
I'm happy.
I'm me.
