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@strawberista
⚀ Carrd | Index | Blogroll | Memes ⚀
⚀ Memes and Ask Guide ⚀
⚀ Blog and Rule Announcements ⚀
⚀ Smut Blogs and Minors DNI ⚀
⚀ Personals and non-rp blogs please read my rules as well ⚀
⚀ Icon Credit ⚀
Canon Art and fanart: @nagiusui, @abstractreign, myself
Live Action FC: @rpiconsgalore {here and here}
Pinned Banner Art: @mundanemiseries
⚀ TW: Spoiler heavy for The World Ends with You and NEO: The World Ends with you, dark themes, NSFW/NSFT, violence/blood/gore ⚀
{I'm making a post here real quick since I have new followers and it's been a second since I shared everything, but}
{Quick reminder that I have a personal blog over at @strawlamby , and that's where I put news about what's happening with me.}
{I literally just came back and then got super quiet again, so I figured I'd bring it up again in case anyone was wondering what happened.}
{I made strawlamby to cut down on my ooc posts, lol, but I think it bears repeating sometimes. I hope I can come back soon, but thank you all for your patience in the meantime!}
///For the sake of everyone's dash I'm putting a read more
His shoulders are tense as the man starts to speak. Maybe he should just run out of here and die with the embarrassment of ever showing up and being this vulnerable
But what if he tells my Mr. H? What is he, my dad?
He stays put
He's sure he makes a face at some of them doing it to test him, that almost feels WORSE then the assumption he came here with. Doing it to serve themselves just garners a sigh, how dull. As for lost faith...
What does he care if they lost faith in him? He lost faith in himself. It shouldn't hurt, so it won't. He's decided as such. He tilts his head at the mention of some not even trying, wants to ask what happened there, but decides against it
He has to almost immediately push down the urge to run when his Producer straightens up, feeling far too much like a frightened bird staring down a cat. He's not used to being...scared of people, its been so long since he was really scared of anything. Why is he even scared? What's he got waiting for him at home? He hasn't yet grasped that its him who needs to wait for something at home
He pushes through the feeling, and tries to settle down, but is surprised by something brushing against his shoulder. His wings came out? Really? He's more out of control then he thought
He doesn't bother with putting them away and allows them to wrap around himself like a blanket. He follows along with this Mr. H's story silently. He knew the man loved the city, he'd always known that...he just thought that...
His eyes widen in surprise at Mr. H...er, this version of Mr. H taking it as some sort of personal attack. It was never his Producer that was the problem, it was himself, but...he seemed to be aware of that now at least? He didn't still think he hated him did he?
Wait, why does he care? This isn't his Producer. The Joshua of this world can deal with whatever feelings he has
Being assured it wasn't him viewing him as an 'ungrateful brat' has him shaking his head with the closest thing he can mange to a chuckle at the moment, he'd considered a lot of things but his friend Producer thinking of him like that hadn't occurred to him
His mood dampers immediately hearing that...THIS VERSION of Mr. H thought he didn't want him. Of course he wanted him, that's the damn problem. If he were to continue existing, then he wanted the man there
And then, finally, the words he'd been dreading hit him 'Shibuya is the one and only thing that I will ever put over him'
He KNEW he was going to say that. He knew it. He'd ALREADY said that through his actions but he just...he just...
His wings droop to the floor and he rubs at his eyes that are not moist dammit, no matter what anyone tells you! He tries to focus on the rest of what he's saying but he can't...focus...the words just replaying in his head
'Shibuya is the one and only thing that I will ever put over him'
He can feel the tears he was trying to fight escaping him, and unable to think of a better way to hide them in the split second he has to think about it, he slams his head into the counter like the corpse he is
The action has such force that Hanekoma actually flinches a bit, but he's not entirely surprised. Just looking at the state of those wings he could tell this kid was not alright, and there was probably a lot going on in that head of his.
And the pride. That kind of pride wouldn't allow him to actively show his vulnerability, even if the way he chose to hide it made him look silly.
"Relax, boss," Hanekoma said over him, maybe infuriatingly given the circumstances. "Don't forget that I'm not your cat. The reason I did what I did is likely not even close to the same reason yours did. The things I've felt aren't all that similar to a lotta my counterparts. Granted... A good number of the counterparts I've met were never even human, so I guess they got that goin' on, too. Might be that your cat wasn't, either, in which case there's a whole other set of shit happening behind the scenes that you don't know about. Not really supposed to, if I'm being honest, but I trust you can keep a secret and not rat me out~"
On instinct, Hanekoma wanted to reach out and start smoothing those feathers down, preen the poor kid and give him some much needed relief, but he didn't move from where he was. There was vulnerability in that act as well, and Hanekoma didn't have the right to take anything that wasn't freely given. He didn't even reach out to pat Joshua's head or shoulder, as much as he wanted to. Physical comfort came easy to him, but Joshuas especially could be touchy about that sort of thing. He wasn't gong to make a move in that regard until he was asked or at least given permission.
Sometimes it's still very difficult for Hanekoma to return to the place in his life that he was in during the Long Game. He hated himself so much the whole time he was doing what he was doing, and he felt so alone...
At least he did manage to mend all of those bridges eventually...
"I want..." he meets the others eyes and...
He doesn't know. He truly doesn't know what it is he wants. He wishes he never came here in the first place but its far too late for that now
"...I want..."
He wants Neku back, which is ridiculous cause he's the one who sent him away in the first place. He wants none of this to have ever happened in the first place, like he didn't put this all in motion. He wants to believe that Mr. H never cared for him to begin with, because it would make all of this easier to accept. He wants to just curl up in a ball and never come out again-
He's breathing too fast
He breaks the eye contact and glares at the wall, then the floor, anywhere but the man in front of him
"I want to...get at least a semblance of an idea of what might have been going through his head. I'm not naive, I don't think you're the same person"
...then why does it feel like it? Why is this conversation with a stranger so hard?
A gentle tilt of his head telegraphed his surrender to the request, the earrings chiming like a whisper in his ear. Even if Hanekoma could tell that there was more to this story (or rather, just expect it based on the fact that it was a Joshua), he didn't mind giving an approximation. Different perspectives never hurt, after all. But he wouldn't stop with his own. If he was going to go into story time, he'd at least give a few different examples.
"Alright, sure," he said with a shrug. "I think that's fair enough. I know that some'a my counterparts have done it to test their Composers. Make sure they can handle the shittiest shit and give them some much needed growth. Some Producers do it because they wanted to serve themselves, and some have done it because they lost faith in their Composers. Didja know? Some of my counterparts never even tried to save their cities. As for me..."
He straighted up, hands pulling back and balling lightly into fists. He took a deep breath, closing his eyes and peering back into the deepest recesses of his darkness. He remembered the days when the guilt would take him into its maw and swallow him whole, how he would stand in the cafe gritting his teeth hard enough to hurt his jaw while he reflected on the betrayal against both Joshua and Minamimoto. And the betrayal he felt in turn.
"It was incredibly emotional for me," he continued, his voice turning soft as he opened his eyes again. Unfocused, distant in his memories. "I love this city. I love this city because I have made it. I have poured every ounce of myself, every imprint, every article, every line, into its bricks and it's grit. I have made this city a part of myself, and I dedicated every ounce of who I was into pushing it's growth... When Joshua decided that it wasn't good enough anymore... It didn't feel like he had a problem with his life. It didn't feel like he was growing bored of his job. It felt like he was rejecting me, telling me in no uncertain terms that I was not good enough for him. Joshua, who I took under my wing and..."
He paused, eyes widening as he realizes what his wording sounded like, and for a moment he presses his lips together to reconstruct the statement in his head.
Finally his eyes turned back to the Joshua in front of him, "Don't get me wrong. This isn't a situation of me thinking he was being an ungrateful brat. It was deeper than that. Joshua was my son, as far as I was concerned. I love him, deeply, and I was convinced... Am convinced that he's my soulmate. We were always meant to be inseparable. So when it suddenly felt like he didn't want me anymore... That destroyed everything inside of me. I was broken, and angry, and I refused to let this monument to human existence be destroyed without a fight. Shibuya is one and only thing that I will ever put over him. It might sound cruel to say that, but this place is woven into me at this point. I can't separate myself from it. I didn't know at the time that Joshua wasn't even thinking about me when he made the decision that he did. All of the pain inside me was for nothing, and it is one of the very few things in my life that I truly regret. I hurt not only Joshua with my actions, but Minamimoto as well. I have spent a long time since trying to repair the damage that I did. That being said, it did lead to a massive amount of growth for both of us, so as usual, even the worst situations are good if you know how to use them correctly."
"Right..."
He isn't often lost for words, but...he isn't really sure what he wants to say. Coming here wasn't really a rational decision to begin with. It was a decision he'd made very quickly while not thinking straight. The only real thought going through his head was that if he went here he wouldn't have to deal with the eventual mess he'd create
He sighs, the mess is inevitable isn't it? No need to draw it out
"I'm assuming that in this universe you also had your little scheme involving Minamimoto. I've..." been drowning in my own loneliness "...had a lot of time to think recently. And I wanted to ask why you did that. From...the closest approximation of your mouth I feel like dealing with"
A hand stilled momentarily on the glass as he used the other to pour in the coffee, making a low noise that could have been contemplation or focus. Then, with a fluid turn of his whole body, toes spinning on the floor, he passed the coffee over to Joshua. A loud and sweet aroma filled the cafe from its billowing surface, something warm and spiced and strong.
"I can tell ya what I was thinking," he replied as he stood straight again, pressing palms flat against the surface of the counter, "but if you're hoping to know why your cat did it, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to disappoint ya. I probably don't have to tell ya this, but different souls across different universes are, well, different. We might make the same decisions, but the reasons for those decisions are vastly different. So before I get all in a big long story. Do ya wanna know why I did it, or are ya just looking for answers I can't give?"
Hanekoma tilted his chin down, eyeing Joshua from over the frames of his sunglasses. An attempt to make eye contact, but he wasn't going to force it.
⚅— @rubiesintherough asked: —⚅
⚅— “After all you’ve been through, how do you still find it in your heart to care?” ( amara ) —⚅
Random Sad Dialogue
— ★ ⚄ ★ —
"It's a beautiful world, sister," Hanekoma drawled lazily, shaking the can in his hand as he eyed the canvas before him. A wall, dull and tattered and beautifully blank. "And it doesn't get that way until it's been through some shit."
Normally he wouldn't just openly do his work in front of someone else, but Amara was a necromancer. He was already breaking a lot of rules just by letting her stick around. But Amara was good company and she needed good company, so as long as nothing insane happened he wasn't keen on kicking her out of town.
"The thing is, being through so much is what made me care. If I went through my life never having experienced pain or suffering, I wouldn't be able to see it in others, and I sure as hell wouldn't be able to appreciate how life changing a helping hand can be, ya dig? Without my experiences, I wouldn't be who I am. I grow and change and I wanna see others around me grow and change. I wanna see my whole damn world grow and change. That's the whole point of it, ya know?"
He stiffened at the sound, it was familiar in ways he wasn't prepared to deal with right now. His gaze locks onto the surface in front of him as he tries to steady himself
He's not even sure what he wants to do in that moment. Turn tail and run or start screaming at the man or start crying. He doesn't do any of these things, just makes a face like he's sucking on a lemon
And then, the moment passes and he scowls at the words desperate times, mutters to himself about "oh yes heaven forbid someone hurt your precious city"
His eyebrow raises at the claim that this worlds Composer was apparently getting along with him. Was he stupid or had he just failed to think about what happened like he had? ...so also stupid
His expression changes to straight forward annoyance at the claim of love and there's a hint of concern at the mention of multiple kids
"Why would you want to shelter me? Wouldn't you be better off taking me out before I tried anything?" he's watching him make the drink like he's actually expecting him to poison it
Hanekoma didn't turn around to continue the conversation, nor did he hide what he was doing. His process was so perfected by now, he wouldn't dare put poison in it and ruin it anyway, even as a joke.
"Well, see, I'm not like a lotta my counterparts," he replied casually from over his shoulder. "I'm not gonna jump on you as soon as just because ya showed up. I already know. I know because my own kid's been through it. Sometimes, ya just need a place to go and hide for a minute. Ya need someone you can talk to that's not connected to all your shit. I'll only jump on ya if you actually try to do something, but you haven't given me a reason to think that you will. You just behave yourself and we'll be good to go, capisce?"
He shot a little grin over his shoulder at the question, but he didn't let his gaze linger for more than a second before returning to his work.
It occurs to him this might have been a mistake when he steps forward and the floorboard beneath him creaks. He'd memorized which parts of the floor made noise a long time ago, but this is not his WildKat and combined with the mess of barely controlled emotions he'd walked in with its all he can do to redirect the full body shudder into just his wings
There not even in this plane at the moment, hidden away like usual, but if this universe works like his own then he just so happens to be in front of one of the only people in Shibuya who can FEEL the way his wings bristle like a...well, agitated cat
He sighs internally, he's not making a strong first impression. As he moves closer he wonders why he even cares about that though
"I don't know, do you plan on poisoning it?"
...he hadn't meant to enter that strong. But well, he'd at least expected that to some degree. Hence why he had chosen to come here and not to his own Wildkat
He takes a seat but refuses to make eye contact, watching the other from the corner of his eye instead, he's already loosing his composure as is. He can feel his wings twitching in agitation...or maybe fear?
"Or is traitorous behavior unique to my Mr. H? You certainly seem to talk the same. Would 'change is a beautiful thing' be on my tombstone?"
The comment brought a soft chuckle rolling up from Hanekoma's chest, almost like a big cat's purring, thick and heavy despite its fluidity. Maybe his eyes might have even seemed a little sharp and dangerous, but Hanekoma held himself like any man with power did: loose and relaxed.
"Well, you're not entirely wrong," he replied. "I have hurt a lotta my own before. Desperate times an' all that. But I don't think pleading my case would make ya feel any more comfortable, so I'll spare you the speech. Just know that my Composer and I are on good terms now. I don't see 'im much, but we love each other plenty... I gotta lotta kids under my wing, actually. I've done a lot of growing, too, ya know. So no, I won't poison ya. Not if ya don't give me a reason, but something tells me you're not really here to stir up trouble anyway. Lookin' for a bit of shelter, boss?"
And though he hadn't received any real confirmation that Joshua wanted any, Hanekoma turned around and started whipping up a brew anyway. He looked like someone that needed a warm drink and space to talk. But... This seemed like another Composer that wasn't on good terms with his Hanekoma. Those seemed a lot more common than pairs like himself and his own Joshua, who loved each other more than anything else in the world. Or maybe there was love in there somewhere, broken irreparably by Hanekoma's inevitable betrayal. A tale as old as time, eh...?
⚅— @dead-kids-calling asked: —⚅ ⚅— “I’ve always done everything by myself, survived by myself. I don’t see why that would change.” - Joshua —⚅
Random Dialogue Starters
— ★ ⚄ ★ —
Hanekoma loved having visitors. Especially Joshuas. You really never knew what you were going to get when one of these sauntered into the cafe. You could never quite be sure where in their journey they were, or which path their souls had taken. This one was either quite early in or he hadn't reached the same conclusion as some of the others.
And his own Joshua was still on a bit of a journey himself, so it wasn't like he was in a position to be giving any pointers. This particular universe had had all of its souls wrung out, but they were all healthier or it, too. The beauty of experiencing the horrors, as it were.
Hanekoma stretched a lazy smile to his new guest and leaned forward on the counter a bit to more easily cast his voice across the lobby of Wildkat, "I wouldn't dismiss the idea just yet, boss~ Change is a beautiful thing. If you'd like to talk at length about it, come have a seat. I'll even make ya a cuppa joe, for a price."
His voice lilted, easy and unbothered. He wasn't one of the Hanekomas that got particularly keen when someone foreign was in his territory. Or at least, he didn't show it in his presentation. If he was wary of Joshua at all, he was keeping it very well hidden.
But then... That wasn't particularly odd for the Hanekoma breed, either, was it?
A difference here, though, from many of his ilk. Just a small one more visible than others: he was wearing earrings, long dangles with little red crystals at their drop. This particular Hanekoma sported a tattoo, too, but that wasn't nearly so visible, existing on his upper shoulder and well out of sight. The imprint from the tattoo, however, was just a little bit more noticeable. A mark from another.
⚅— @itsrainingcucumbers asked: —⚅ ⚅— “You aren’t blameless in this.” —⚅
Random Dialogue Starters
— ★ ⚄ ★ —
Was... Was that a talking cucumber...?
"Uh. Blameless in what exactly, boss? I'm not arguing with ya yet, but... But, uh, you're gonna have to be a little more specific."
random sad dialogue … sentence starters
“You aren’t blameless in this.”
“You don’t have to keep it all in.”
“Not everyone is out to hurt you.”
“You’re too good for someone like me.”
“You’re hiding secrets from me… why?”
“You’ve got the saddest soul I’ve ever seen.”
“The shadows are safer than the harsh glare.”
“I’ll keep you safe… the way they should have.”
“I didn’t need you here. I didn’t want you here.”
“No, I don’t think you love me… but you used to.”
“They’ll never apologize. You have to know that.”
“Don’t you think you’ve been alone long enough?”
“Why can’t you be honest with yourself for once?”
“If you really didn’t care, then why did you come?”
“You have too many scars for someone so young.”
“There’s nothing you have to hide from me. Share.”
“I’ve already lived too much for someone so young.”
“Don’t look at me with those sad eyes. I can’t bear it.”
“You never even had the chance to be a kid, did you?”
“I don’t want your apologies. they don’t mean anything.”
“Forgiveness is earned. And you have a long way to go.”
“You’re allowed to step into the light. You’re allowed to live.”
“Don’t talk to me about loyalty… not after what you’ve done.”
“I keep trying to atone… but, it just never seems to be enough.”
“You think solitude keeps you safe. It doesn’t. It keeps you lonely.”
“I’ll leave if you want me to. Will you just hear me out first? Please?”
“After all you’ve been through, how do you still find it in your heart to care?”
“You’re still breathing, but if I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were a ghost.”
“I don’t want you to know. I don’t want you to see the awful, tainted parts of me.”
“What happened was horrible, and cruel, and unfair. You’re allowed to be angry.”
“There’s nothing wrong with lashing out sometimes. It’s better than holding it all in.”
“This world’s a dismal place. It chews up all happiness it finds and spits it out bitter.”
“I love you, And you don’t need to say it back, or even reciprocate. I just needed you to know.”
“I’ve always done everything by myself, survived by myself. I don’t see why that would change.”
“You don’t get to disappear, then come back like nothing happened. Life moved on without you.”
“They say you’re not supposed to hold grudges, but I don’t believe that. It keeps you from making the same mistake twice.”
“Everyday, I ask myself why someone like you would choose to stay with someone like me. And everyday, I come up empty.”
{God I desperately need to become active on this blog again. TWEWY fandom is thriving and I'm missing it.}
"I see. That's good to hear." The smile didn't leave Joshua's face as he watched Hanekoma work. It wasn't all that surprising to him to hear that for another version of himself, 'taking care of himself' meant not spending as much time around Hanekoma, but it was a shame their relationship seemed to be rocky in multiple universes.
"Hm... I wouldn't ever say no to a little excitement, but I really came out of curiosity. It's been a while since I stepped outside my own Shibuya, and I wanted to see how the others were faring." And maybe spend another week playing Tin Pin Slammer, if he couldn't find anything better to do.
"So far the Shibuyas I've visted have seemed to be relatively calm. Maybe there's hope for this city yet, hee hee."
"Now that we've got our feet on solid ground, it oughta be that way, yeah."
The little space began to fill with the smell of this particular Hanekoma's house brew. It's aroma was one of its strongest points, even if it tended to lean a little on the sweeter side in flavor. Not that it was overly sweet, coffee that it was, but the taste had always been a lot lighter than his counterparts, Hanekoma noticed. They must not have had as many sweet tooths in their own universes as he did his own. He watched the brew steep, timing it carefully before transferring it into the little cups he served from.
"Not that I expect for a second something crazy won't eventually pop up here. If you stick around long enough you just might see some excitement... Or make it, but we already had that talk. And I really wouldn't suggest ya stay outta your city that long anyway. She's weaker without ya, you know."
A fluid turn and Hanekoma was placing the cup down in front of Joshua, sliding it closer as steam rose gently from its dark surface.
🤗
MUNDAY MEME: paste 🤗 in a new post so your mutuals can share their thoughts about you and your blog!
"you could say that."
She frowned as she stared at the menu a second longer before finally at him. Her glasses hardly concealed how exhausted she looked- whether it was smudged makeup or eye bags was anyone's guess.
"half a dozen reports to get typed up. Plus most of the staff is out and-"
Natori paused, trying to wonder about what was making her so chatty. Perhaps it was the strangeness of the barista actually engaging with her or her own exhaustion getting the best of her.
"It's fine. I have a few anyway."
Hanekoma raised a brow, the smile never leaving his face. He prided himself on being a comfortable enough of a presence to get people talking, but she'd stopped herself. Not an issue, it just meant she wasn't normally the talkative type. Even better points for his ability really, unless it was the sleep deprivation. That might could have done it, too. And it certainly didn't bar him from subtly prying.
"Oooh, are you sneaking in shifts you're not supposed to, boss?" Hanekoma drawled carelessly, trying to make it seem less like an infraction of her health and more like an inside joke (and considering his own work ethic, maybe it was). "Some might argue that's bad for your health. Though, I don't think that's really gonna be a priority for the bomb I'm brewin' ya back here."
