Of "nice" guys (and my self worth)
I broke up with a friend today.
It's still pressuring someone when you speak of a future where your goal is achieved and the other person has no interest in said future. Saying "I'm not pushing her" to people who are making the assumption that we are dating isn't clarifying the situation. It's influencing it towards an understated belief that we are in fact, dating in some way.
I do not appreciate that behavior.
I have never been anything but honest in my preferences (which are yes I have slept with men. No, I did not particularly enjoy it on most occasions. While completely consensual, it wasn't my best choice in terms of my own self care) and assuming that I am still considering a partnership with a man even given the evidence contrary to that assumption is not only immature but disrespectful.
As a self aware person, I know that a lot of my behavior may be construed as flirting. I try not to do this because of the confusion it causes. I am aware that there are times when I fail at this manner of self control. I am affectionate by nature but very cautious to it because of this. When I am with the people closest to me or developing that sort of bond, I am physically representative of my care and devotion without the connotation of sex being included.
I am open and forthright about this.
But, when a person actively ignores the evidence and given statements against wanting a sexual relationship, I find it offensive and I will get angry. I will not be pressured or guilt tripped into playing a game of emotional roulette. Proclaiming you are depressed because of some ephemeral hope of a sexual relationship is emotional destructive and abusive to the other party and so beyond the pale of what is an acceptable response I almost started a physical fight. As vulgar and verbally atrocious I can be, I do not physically express my rage against another person unless it is a very serious situation.
I am worth more than that. It took me almost 30 years to say but dammit I am. I'm fucking awesome even sometimes.
I am more than some sort of hole to be filled in another person's life. I am no one's guiding light or achievable dream. I'm my very own fucked up self just for me.
But especially not to douchebags who actually use the phrase "Why did it all have to fall apart..." after I made clear I'm not in this friendship to have a relationship. Great to know that friendship wasn't actually friendship unless it included my capitulation to being your girlfriend, dude.
Pretty sure I covered the entire don't want a boyfriend thing at least 10 times. Just to be sure. Great to know that really hit home. What with the continued whale sized hints on just waiting for me to decide I do want a boyfriend after all! And obviously it going to be the dude who's been navigating for months! How could I not want that!
The lesson I learned here is that some trees just can't be shaped into something beautiful and meaningful. Some just got set on fire by some shit head with a lighter and destroyed Bambi's family.
izzy806
pixelskylines
amandla
stormborns
