The next day Dr Buderick carried out his instructions as required. Lilith stood by the main lab door, heart pounding. She could not understand why – yesterday the thought of going outside felt wonderful. Now it seemed… well, different. If only she knew how to put it into words. What could possibly be awaiting her beyond the door? Every time she dared to guess, it made her soul shrink away. Like she wanted to hide from everything. She asked herself if she still wanted to go, but knew in her heart that she did. Emotions were such confusing things.
As the lab door slid open at last, Lilith leaned out anxiously, greeted by a strange array of colour. Inside the lab the walls were white; she had assumed all walls must be. But in the corridor outside they were more of a cream, plastered with bright paintings of flowers and… colourful winged creatures she had never seen before. She found herself staring from one to the next. She had only seen flowers once before – when a scientist had brought a vase into the lab. The things alongside them were foreign entirely, but still filled her with wonder.
Dr Buderick led her along; the lab door swishing closed behind them startled her. She could feel that wobbly thump in her chest, making her as terrified as she was fascinated.
Eventually the passage opened into a wide room full of tables and padded chairs. The entire right-hand wall was glass; a wide window stretching from one end of the room to the next, looking out to the black room. Immediately Lilith pulled away from Dr Buderick’s hand and ran to it. She pressed her palm to the glass, drinking in as much of the view as she could.
From here she could see that the red plain was a circle. Round and protruding out from under her feet. It was bigger than anything else in the black room and far more magnificent; its edges were tinged with blue, making it feel alive. Dr Buderick clasped his hand on Lilith’s shoulder. It was a little too hard and hurt a lot (far more than when she pulled her hair).
Lilith winced through the pain. ‘Can we go outside?’
‘This is outside.’ He droned dryly.
He was right, of course. Lilith deflated, struggling desperately to come up with a new way to say it that would make him understand.
‘That outside.’ She motioned to the glass.
He gave her a sour look. ‘Why?’
Lilith glanced back out. How could she describe what she was feeling?
‘Eloquent. Well you won’t be doing much living out there. It’s a vacuum.’
Dr Buderick sighed. ‘We’re in a space station. That means the lab’s floating in the middle of nothing. That’s what space is. Nothing.’
‘Nothing?’ Lilith let her hand slide down the glass.
‘God, I might as well be talking to a toaster…’
‘Never mind. Where the hell’s Dr Anders? This was his idea.’
‘Jesus constellation fucking Christ…’
‘Outside is space? Why can’t we go outside to space?’
‘There’s nothing to breathe. No gravi- nothing to hold us down. It’s all artificial in here; the air, the force keeping us on the ground. Even the fucking food’s just rations.’
‘Then… we can never go outside?’ Lilith’s spirits dropped. It felt like her only light had had just flickered out.
‘Not up here, no. Unless you’re on the planet’s surface.’
‘Er… yes, the red thing. Tarin. Republic backwater, if you ask me. But Capra’s gotta run it’s tests somewhere distant.’
Lilith thought to herself. She looked down at the red planet and wondered what it would be like to be there. If everything on the station were artificial, surely the real air would feel better. Just like space felt better to look at than the lab.
‘Then… we need to go to Tarin!’
‘No. Fuck me, no. Not happening.’
Lilith looked up at him in distress. She felt something tingle around her eyes. They were wet. And they quickly grew wetter, until they overflowed and ran down her cheek. She panicked – could this mean the water was leaving her? Would she be able to live if it did? She struggled to hold it in, but her fear only made it flow out more heavily.
‘Aw hell. Come on, that’s enough. Back to the cage.’
Dr Buderick yanked her arm, pulling her back down the corridor to the lab. Lilith barely noticed where he was leading her until she felt a pair of hands clutching her arms gently. She wiped her eyes. It was Dr Anders.
‘I- I think I’m dying!’ She wailed.
‘There’s no sign of that.’ Dr Anders smiled as the other scientists gathered around. ‘What happened?’
‘She looked into space and just started bawling.’
‘Hmm. Interesting. Lilith, what’s wrong?’
‘I’m dying! I’m losing water!’ More tears flowed down her cheeks.
The lab burst into raucous laughter. Even Dr Anders was struggling to stay composed. Lilith felt betrayed. How could they care so little?
‘You’re not dying, you’re crying Lilith. It’s perfectly natural.’
‘It takes a lot of water to keep us alive and very little to cry. Even if it feels like a lot. Tell me, why are you crying?’
Lilith wiped her eyes and looked up at him. ‘I can’t go to Tarin.’
Again, she could see Dr Anders biting his tongue. Her fear and confusion heated suddenly in her stomach.
‘One day, Lilith, you will go to Tarin. I’ll make sure of it. Do you feel better?’
Lilith did not know what to feel. She stared at the doctor and found herself again unable to describe what she wanted. Slowly she nodded.
‘Good. Now, it’s getting late. Are you going to be okay if I put you in your pen for the night?’
Lilith glanced back at it, studying the enclosure acutely. Was it already time? She did not want to go back.
‘Lilith?’ Dr Anders prompted.
She looked up at him. ‘At night, the Red Woman comes for me.’
The lab fell silent. All of the scientists exchanged interested and confused glances. Dr Anders’s expression barely changed.
‘Really? And who is this Red Woman?’
Lilith shrank, unsure of how to answer. Unsure of how she felt. She looked back to her pen again, then gave up and nodded. She should have known it was pointless to argue.
‘All right.’ Dr Anders put a hand around her shoulder. ‘Tell you what, if the Red Woman comes, call for me. I’ll come if I hear you.’
He led her over to her pen and helped her into bed, tucking the blanket over her. Finally Lilith knew what she was feeling: safe. For as long as Dr Anders was here, she would be seen and wanted. She wished she could stay with him. Just the two of them. If only they could travel together, far away from here, away from learning, away from men like Dr Buderick. It was a nice thought.
The winged bull pendant swung from around Dr Anders’s neck, waving back and forth. Lilith studied it, really seeing it for the first time, then let her eyes drift over the characters on his white coat.Over his heart was a strange symbol and set of characters. Like the bull, they had always been there, but Lilith had never noticed them before. A ‘C’ with an italicised script flowing from the centre.
‘Why do you wear that thing? And those letters?’
He clutched the pendant and smiled. ‘The bull of heaven. Sent by the Goddess Inanna to slay Enkidu, the wild man. Gilgamesh’s dearest friend.’
Lilith stared blankly, prompting another smile from the doctor.
‘It’s a story. The oldest story ever written. Of course, you’ve never learned about stories, gods, or religion have you?’
Lilith shook her head, wishing more then ever that she could understand.
‘Well, gods and goddesses are figures humans have worshipped throughout history. They symbolise everything. Rivers, stars, even thoughts and feelings. We look to them for guidance when we need it.’
Lilith’s head spun. ‘But… why would they guide us?’
‘Because we’re their children.’ Dr Anders beamed. ‘Through our worship, they gain power and recognition. It’s a but like a parent, guiding their child.’
‘Then… we all worship Inagi?’
‘Inanna.’ Dr Anders smiled. ‘And I do. The others… well, we all believe in different things. Most are Deists, Animists, or Spiritualists of some kind. The rest are Atheists.’
The new words made Lilith’s head spin. She wanted to ask, but realised it would only open the door to more things to learn.
‘That’s hard to answer. It seems no matter how much we learn, there’s always something missing. And we use the supernatural to fill it. When you’re ready, I’ll happily give you some books on why we create religions.’
He patted her head casually, but it was of little comfort. If Dr Anders didn’t know everything what hope was there for her? Her eyes wandered back across his coat.
‘What about the letters?’ She pointed to it. ‘Are they also Inanna?’
‘Oh, no. Of course not.’ Dr Anders examined the text. ‘It’s the logo for the Capra company, who I work for.’
Dr Anders laughed. ‘Well, you don’t. Technically you’re their property. But the rest of us do.’
‘I’ll explain it to you one day. Project Dalmond is pretty low on the list of things you need to learn.’
Lilith nodded. As she looked into her father’s eyes, she knew that she could trust him. As he left, she sat up.
Dr Anders smiled. ‘Goodnight, Lilith.’ The door slid shut behind him.
Lilith lay awake long after the last scientist had left. For the first time in her life, she felt like more than just an experiment. As if she had formed a real connection with Dr Anders. It made her wonder yet again: why had they created her? And why did Dr Anders think it was unnecessary for her to know?
She chewed her cheek, replaying their conversation in her head. But it told her nothing.
It was weird being alone. During the first days of her life, at least one scientist had kept watch during the night, but it seemed that – for whatever reason – they no longer felt it was necessary.
It was a little lonely, but Lilith did not entirely mind. Something about the dark was soothing to her. She turned over, struggling to fall asleep but the thoughts continued rattling round her mind. It seemed that everything she learned revealed a whole network of things she did not know. Every question she asked was answered with seven more. It was exhausting.
What was she? Why was she here? Surely the scientists – this Capra corporation – must want her for something. Why else would they keep her here and not let her leave?
Lilith threw the covers off and walked over to the glass. She looked out across the lab, to the tiny window by the sink, across the airlock to the incubation room where she had first screamed. What was the point of anything? And then it occurred to her: did it need to have a point?
That is indeed the question.
A shard of ice entered Lilith’s heart. She was sure she hadn’t thought that.
But how can you be certain you didn’t? How can you know my voice isn’t a product of your own mind?
‘Who are you?’ Lilith could feel her heart; she already knew the answer to that question.
No one else could possibly get into her pen. She had seen Dr Anders seal the door with his card key – just like he always did. Yet the Red Woman somehow found a way. Lilith locked her gaze to the glass, not daring to turn around.
I am like you: something that should not exist, yet I have lived since the sun first began to shine. I am the light and life beneath your feet. I am the red, the orange, and the yellow.
These words terrified Lilith, though she could not say why. If her mind had conjured the Red Woman, why was she always so unsettling? She stood frozen to the glass, for fear of what she might see. Or worse; for fear of seeing nothing at all.
‘I know what you are…’ Lilith shut her eyes tightly. ‘You’re a dream! Dr Anders told me I’d dream.’
But what is a dream? A vision, or a reality? Can you say for certain that anything exists at all?
Lilith had no idea how to answer. Trying to follow this line of thought made her head hurt, so she chose to ignore it and focus on how the Red Woman had described herself. Something that should not exist, yet has lived since the first sun. It was almost just as confusing.
‘I’ve only lived for a week. I don’t know what a sun is, but it sounds like a long time… How are we the same?’
Ask your doctor the questions you so desperately want answered. Ask him what you are. Ask him why you’re here. When he refuses, come back to me. I’ll show you the truth.
Lilith swallowed. Hearing her inner thoughts echoed back to her so clearly was unsettling. She tried to play it off as ignorance. ‘What I am?’
All life evolves from a world’s sacred spring. They think they control life and death, but cannot even begin to understand it. They will not be able to tell you who you are.
‘But then… How can you? Why are you here with me?’
The energy changed. Lilith held herself still.
The children of Earth come to me, many without reverence. But I only ever had one child of my own.
With that the chill left the air, but not Lilith’s heart. Whatever had just happened confused and scared her. She could not say whether it was real or not, but knew she had to speak with Dr Anders.
