Silently Struggling

📍DALLAS ~ 24 ~ ♋

[strongeraftermydarkest]

This was me on my high school graduation day back in 2014. The dress was a size 4. I was 123 pounds. This picture was a few hours before I passed out cold at a graduation party. Almost 3 years later I am sitting at 200 pounds easy and a size 12-14 and though everyone in my family would rather have be overweight than under, I am miserable and I want to see this girl in the mirror again. I just turned 20 on July 11th and I want to look like this by my 21st. That is a little less than a year. Back then I could do that easily but now I don’t know. I’ve relapsed so many times but now all I do is binge and purge and I am so fat because of it…I want out. I can’t take it anymore. My average weight for my height is supposed to be 170 but I want to push for at least 140 by this time next year. It will happen. I just need help.

[strongeraftermydarkest]

Scrolling through my old post. I read this and burst into tears. I am 192 pounds. Less than a month before my 21st. I hate that I had no self control and am so damn fat. I’m over it.

[strongeraftermydarkest]

That time of year again when I find this post and reblog… 

I am now 23. I have a full time job. Apartment. Bills. I thought that if I just started “adulting” then this would all go away. What is crazy, is that I think it has gotten worse. The past few months I have thrown up everything no matter how small. Or I just went several days on black coffee, like this week. 

The sad part of all of this is I know I have a problem. But what also sucks is whenever I go to get help, I convince myself that I am too fat to have a problem. I am overweight.  I have also lost 16pounds in two weeks. I passed out doing my workout yesterday and called in sick to work because I was too weak to get out of bed. The only thing I did all day was make one cup of coffee around noon and then got back in bed. Currently drinking another cup while writing this. 

Does it ever get better? Will this rollarcoaster ever end? It’s been over ten years and everytime I think I have a handle on this damn eating disorder, my whole life comes crashing back down…….

[strongeraftermydarkest]

hey its me again…reblogging this post. I am now 24 and laying in bed, alone, sad, and still fat.

[strongeraftermydarkest]

It's 2022. I am now 26. Here I am again...

[strongeraftermydarkest]

Here I am again. After almost 3 years of a deleted app & forgotten past...I've been pulled back in.

Almost 3 years ago, I started dating this incredible guy, nothing like the rest, and he actually got through to me. I finally stopped with all this mental & physical crap that was keeping me from being my best self. He is now my husband and we have our own house, a cat, brand new cars and a 2 month old baby girl...

Pregancy scared me. My husband was with me for support anytime I felt those thoughts coming into my head but they never did. I was so scared to relapse from getting fatter with pregnancy but it never happened. I actually loved it!

Then I had the baby...our sweet baby girl. Post pardum depression hit me hard. All those thoughts of body image, not being good enough, anxiety...it all came flooding back in. The first couple weeks I kept my smile, still got dressed, put makeup on, laughed...all on no sleep but I was trying to hard to just fake it until it became reality.

As the weeks went by, I stopped caring. I don't remember when it happened but all I know is I came out of a daze one day and realized I was doing jusy enough to be a mom. I stopped getting dressed, stopped going on walks, stopped cooking, stopped cleaning, stopped eating...I was living off coffee and water. My milk supply started dropping because of it so we had to start supplementing with formula. I started trying to eat jusy enough to keep me going to take care of my baby.

The sad thing is I downloaded this app again because I just wanted to see the inspiration I once got from scrolling through for hours.

We are going to Florida in July and I want to be back in shape. I need to feel good about my body again.

[thebrokengenderqueer]

[strongeraftermydarkest]

daily thought

[never-not-ever]

[valentina-poem]

[strongeraftermydarkest]

Just needing to rant.... Not saying any specifics because TW but if you know you know how ducked up this is...The jokingly national day this coming Saturday, April 24, that some men started trending on TikTok is so insanely ducked up! For someone, like me, who has struggled for YEARS trying to mentally recover from this situation and now to be seeing these horrible men treat it as a joke?! Oh my lord it has just made me so frustrated AND has brought up my own trauma and past experience that I have worked SO DAMN HARD to grow and move on from. Oh and then...social media platforms, media and police are asking WOMEN to stay home and be on alert this Saturday. WHY IS IT ALWAYS THE WOMEN?! The men in this world that find this funny or do this to women are seriously ducked up. To the men who have helped report and show support for us women, thank you. Even if this is a joke, and as much as I do not like living my life walking on eggshells at night anymore, please be safe. I am writing this as a women but I know it has effected so many in different ways. So to ANYONE that has felt this pain in the past, stay safe this weekend. Sending support to all my women, men, straight, gay, bi, trans, fluid....to all. Love you. You're trauma matters. We will get through this.

[strongeraftermydarkest]

Fake smile who dis?

[strongeraftermydarkest]

This was me on my high school graduation day back in 2014. The dress was a size 4. I was 123 pounds. This picture was a few hours before I passed out cold at a graduation party. Almost 3 years later I am sitting at 200 pounds easy and a size 12-14 and though everyone in my family would rather have be overweight than under, I am miserable and I want to see this girl in the mirror again. I just turned 20 on July 11th and I want to look like this by my 21st. That is a little less than a year. Back then I could do that easily but now I don’t know. I’ve relapsed so many times but now all I do is binge and purge and I am so fat because of it…I want out. I can’t take it anymore. My average weight for my height is supposed to be 170 but I want to push for at least 140 by this time next year. It will happen. I just need help.

[strongeraftermydarkest]

Scrolling through my old post. I read this and burst into tears. I am 192 pounds. Less than a month before my 21st. I hate that I had no self control and am so damn fat. I’m over it.

[strongeraftermydarkest]

That time of year again when I find this post and reblog… 

I am now 23. I have a full time job. Apartment. Bills. I thought that if I just started “adulting” then this would all go away. What is crazy, is that I think it has gotten worse. The past few months I have thrown up everything no matter how small. Or I just went several days on black coffee, like this week. 

The sad part of all of this is I know I have a problem. But what also sucks is whenever I go to get help, I convince myself that I am too fat to have a problem. I am overweight.  I have also lost 16pounds in two weeks. I passed out doing my workout yesterday and called in sick to work because I was too weak to get out of bed. The only thing I did all day was make one cup of coffee around noon and then got back in bed. Currently drinking another cup while writing this. 

Does it ever get better? Will this rollarcoaster ever end? It’s been over ten years and everytime I think I have a handle on this damn eating disorder, my whole life comes crashing back down…….

[strongeraftermydarkest]

hey its me again...reblogging this post. I am now 24 and laying in bed, alone, sad, and still fat.

[booksandcows]

[depresseddisneyprincess]

[yousaveeveryonebutwhosavesyou]

[strongeraftermydarkest]

My secret is not that I've recovered. My secret is staying busy and not being alone. When I am alone I have to stay constantly busy or else, like tonight when I have nothing else to do... all the negative thoughts and emotions come back...and I remember that, no, I am not better. I am just better at hiding it.

[verpasstzuleben]

I can't describe what I'm feeling. I'm not happy, and I know that. But I'm also not exactly sad either. I'm just caught right in between all these emotions and I feel so empty.

[strongeraftermydarkest]

It would be nice to be put first for once...

[sad-little-b1tch]

[strongeraftermydarkest]

Journal Entry from last night...

[strongeraftermydarkest]

They thought I was doing great....and yet here I am. Again.

[nikt-w4zny]