Back to: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3
‘Maybe you are a spoiled child!’ Eddie shouted, the blood was pounding in his ears so loudly that he almost didn’t hear the dialtone.
Huffing in frustration, Eddie went to redial, Steve was not getting off that easy, but then he realised that he didn’t even know where he’d called from.
Eddie slammed the phone down and whirled around to rant at his uncle, who’d taken refuge in the kitchen, only for his breath to hitch painfully in his chest. Eddie hated crying, but it felt like his lungs had been shredded. He understood what Steve meant by “I couldn’t breathe”.
‘Ed?’ Wayne put up a calming hand out. ‘You need to walk that off before you talk?’
‘No, I just,’ he panted. ‘I have no idea what just happened.’
‘It got a bit heated there.’
‘No I mean.’ Eddie sobbed. ‘I think it’s really over. Apparently I’m lovely but I don’t love him.’
‘Not that he doesn’t love you then?’ Wayne clarified.
Eddie shook his head, some tears getting knocked loose into his hair. ‘It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because…’
‘Tell me what he said, son, let me help.’
‘You never say it. You smile and nod along and when I asked you, you acted like I was a spoiled child,’ Eddie echoed hoarsely trying to get it right.
‘That’s what we thought, no? He wanted you to say the words.’ Wayne graciously framed it as “we thought” and not “I said”.
‘It doesn’t matter,’ Eddie repeated. ‘It’s done. It’s fucking ruined anyway and he’s gone.’
‘Is that what you want?’ Wayne pressed.
‘It doesn’t matter what I want.’
His uncle looked sad, but understanding. ‘It does to me, Eddie, always has.’
‘But…’ his lips trembled. ‘What if I try and it still…’
‘If you try and it doesn’t work, you’ll recover,’ Wayne put an arm around his shaky shoulders. ‘You were brave enough to go back to that high school where they treated you bad, and again even after the Caver boy’s nonsense. You’re brave enough to give that silly boy another chance.’
‘I don’t know how to start. I don’t blame him for hanging up but I don’t know Robin’s number. I miss him already and I’m still mad,’ he admitted with a watery laugh.
‘Be mad,’ Wayne told him. ‘As long as it’s the kind of mad that makes you ask for better, not the kind that makes you act worse.’
‘When’d you get so poetic, old man?’ Eddie laughed properly that time. ‘Where was all this when I was writing my campaigns?’
Wayne shrugged, looking a little pleased with himself. ‘I got depths, kid, and you never asked.’
A bit of a pattern, Eddie realised. Goddammit.
In the end there was only one thing to do. He didn’t have the number for Robin’s dorm but it wasn’t hard to find Columbia university campus on a map. Wayne packed him into the van with snacks and one more pep talk then Eddie started to drive.
The day after the disastrous call with Eddie, Steve didn’t get out of Robin’s bed. She agreed to give him 24 hours to mope and cry in peace. Her roommate wasn’t thrilled about the surprise visit at first until she picked up enough context to express her sympathy to Robin’s heartbroken “gay best friend”.
‘I’ve never been anyone’s “gay best friend” before,’ Steve snorted.
‘I have,’ Robin teased. ‘It’s easy, I’ll show you the ropes.’
‘Well I was already halfway there.’
That morning he actually showered, did his hair properly and let Robin drag him to another trendy café for breakfast.
Steve didn’t want his broken heart to make him bitter about how at home Robin seemed in New York. It was like this anxious weight had been lifted off her shoulders that was only obvious when it was gone. Still, he was a little envious. He only ever felt that at home with…
Steve sighed into his coffee and Robin looked up with sympathy. ‘Want me to start listing his irritating habits? For one thing, he eats with his hands like an animal.’
‘He just really enjoys his food.’ Steve defended weakly.
‘He walked on tables in his shoes.’
‘Steve.’ She glared, done with his shit.
Another sigh heaved its way from Steve’s chest. ‘The problem is that I’m not mad, just sad.’
‘Do you need help getting mad or do you just want to forget? We can do something fun? Have a distraction?’ Robin offered.
Steve shook his head. ‘I don’t want to forget how he was good to me for so long or pretend he awful when he wasn’t. He made me really happy and even if it’s over, I’m not over it yet.’
They walked the slow way back to campus, while Robin tried to convince Steve to finally, finally move out to New York. The answer had technically always been yes, but he’d been dragging his feet for months while he and Eddie saved their money. Just as they were arguing about the money side of things, Steve spotted some very familiar curls on a hunched figure sitting on the steps to Robin’s dorm building. Steve froze, his hands shaking, and Eddie looked up. He looked a bit the worse for wear too, with deep shadows under his eyes and his hair in a mess.
‘You’re not a spoiled child,’ Eddie blurted out as Steve reached him. ‘Your parents sucked too much to spoil you.’
Steve made a punched-out, incredulous noise and Robin groaned into her palms.
‘Did you seriously drive eleven hours cross country to remind me that parents didn’t love me?’ Steve gaped at him. ‘Because I definitely already knew that.’
‘No,’ Eddie grimaced, flushing with embarrassment. ‘I meant… I forget sometimes, that you still expect people to act and think like they do, that it was normal for you.’
‘God, You two suck at this,’ Robin groaned. ‘I’ll be over there if anyone needs an adult translator.’ She sat on the opposite side of the steps.
Eddie gave her outburst a grateful look which just added to Steve’s confusion. ‘I don’t think you’re like my parents?’ He offered, not sure where Eddie going with this.
‘But you assumed that me not saying those words meant the same thing as them not saying them?’ Eddie challenged gently. ‘Even though I didn’t act like them…’ he hesitated. ‘Right?’
‘Of course not,’ Steve huffed again. ‘No one’s ever been as good to me as you. That’s why it was so confusing.’
‘I’m sorry I didn’t say the words,’ Eddie whispered. ‘I thought I had. It might not mean the same thing to me, but I should have heard you asking.’
‘I’m sorry I ran off.’ Steve said for good measure. ‘And that I wasn’t clearer. I felt so ungrateful, asking for more, asking too much.’
‘It’s not too much, it’s just not how I normally think about love.’ Eddie shrugged. ‘It was easier for me to assume… well I’m used to not feeling good enough.’
‘You’re more than good enough, Eds,’ Steve stepped closer, reaching out nervously, not sure if were back to hugging yet. Luckily Eddie made the choice for both of them and pulled him close.
Steve squeezed Eddie so tight as Eddie practically melted into his arms, clearly exhausted beyond much more talking but he managed to murmur ‘I never want to make you feel like that again’ into the skin of Steve’s neck.
‘Me either,’ Steve agreed, kissing his temple.
Then they remembered that they were standing somewhere far too public to create this much of a scene.
‘I’m still a little mad at you,’ Eddie admitted quietly once they’d sat more calmly on the steps.
‘Me too,’ Steve said. ‘Don’t want to be though.’
Eddie smiled at that. ‘Wayne said it was alright to be mad, so long as it pushed us to be better not worse.’
‘I won’t argue with Wayne.’ Steve brushed their fingers together on the stone step. ‘I want to be better at not taking you for granted, not assuming you’ll always read my mind,’ he bumped his shoulder. ‘Even if it feels like you can sometimes.’
‘I want you to never forget how much I love you,’ Eddie said plainly. As soon as he finally said it, Steve had no idea how he’d ever doubted.
‘There is no way you two disasters are staying in my room after that display,’ Robin called over, reminding them she was there and sending Steve’s cheeks scarlet with mortification.
‘I have motel,’ Eddie laughed. ‘Getting a room was cheaper than paying for just parking in this nightmare city.’
‘I think…’ Steve hesitated then decided that Eddie shouldn’t be the only brave one that day. ‘I think you’re going to like this nightmare city. I think we could both like it.’
Eddie blinked in surprise. ‘You still want to move together. You seemed nervous about even before the fight.’
‘I was,’ Steve laughed at himself. ‘Turns out you driving across the country so I didn’t throw us away matters even more than the words.’
‘So you don’t need me to say it?’ Eddie teased.
Eddie leaned in close to whisper in his ear.
‘I love you, Steve Harrington.’
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