2015/2016 Academic Year Blog

Failure is the key. (Project diary for IVC)

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10 Jan Update

Sio IO’m tryiong tio update my PDF fior submiossion,. and my kleybioard ios ciompkletekly brioklen agaion,. 

HA,. KLioiokls kliokle IO’m doiiong thios thios way agaion,. FUCKL,.

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5 Jan 2016 - Freakout Update

I’m just slamming my essay and my PDF trying to make up for all the time lost due to broken laptop issues. 

11th Jan. is when it’s all due, but I want to have it done right the fuck now so i have time to revise it and look it over better. I wanted to have it done weeks ago, but, y’know, nothing is good. 

My dad’s in emergency hearty surgery today and there was nothing on the uni calendar for today on Blackboard, so I have to assume that it’s okay that I stayed up all night and still haven’t slept because I’m just working. 

I’ll post the final PDF here, plus the final essay (if I can find a way to do that on Tumblr) for completion’s sake.

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5 Jan. 2016 - Breakdown

So, my laptop has been broken for weeks now, and I just got it back yesterday, which means I have been rushing to get everything finished and also my dad is having emergency heart surgery today and I just found out. 

Nothing ever goes right, and I just want this project to be over. I’ll be thrilled to accept a barely-passing grade, at this point. I’m exhausted, confused, sick (I’ve got a cold and some hearty depression) and I just want to throw this PDF together the rest of the way and go back to bed and try not to think about everyone dying. 

I don’t even know if I have to go in today for a visa check or what, as I haven’t had access to emails due to my phone being broken up until two days ago and therefore having no way to check anything. So as I’m reviewing my PDF content checklist on Blackboard (if it’s still there, if I didn’t already miss the submission somehow) I need to check those emails and hope to god I’m not 100% fucked.

Doesn’t bode well for the New Year. Or anything, really. 

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Essay Information Posted on: Tuesday, 8 December 2015 11:51:41 o'clock GMT Critical Frameworks Course Work 1 Essay 2700-3000 words Submission Deadline 15th January 2016, 6.00pm Submit your essay via turnitin on the Blackboard page. Go to: Main page left hand side menu> Turnitin NEW> Assignment Course Work 1> (click on) >> View/Complete> Agree to the terms and conditions and click ‘Submit’. Upload your file by clicking ‘Choose from this computer’ (unless it is on google drive or dropbox). Your file should be a word doc or pdf but pdf is best. Submit at least 4/5 hours before the deadline to allow for problems such as slow internet. If you have problems email me but you cannot submit directly to me. You can also submit a printed copy to the registry office. Essay questions: 1. Debord said “The spectacle is not a collection of images, but a social relation among people, mediated by images.” With reference to one or more specific visual examples, consider how images of spectacle are used in the media today and how images may also function as forms of critique. 2. What does Marx mean when he talks about the fetishism of commodities?
Reflect on what a “commodity” is and how it is different from an ordinary object. Discuss specific visual examples where Marx’s insight is relevant to the practice of visual communication today? 3. “The beautiful,” Kant said, “is what pleases in a disinterested way.” It has been argued that art that takes moral, political and social considerations into account curtail the possibilities of Kant’s notion of ‘Free Beauty.’ Compare and contrast the benefits and constraints of Free Beauty and Dependent Beauty. 4. The concept of ‘ideal beauty’ in aesthetics is a much debated subject. Critically analyse the canonical concept of “Ideal Beauty’ throughout Western History. Contrast this with a contemporary visual examples to consider the question ‘is there such a thing as an enduring appreciation of certain proportions built into the human psyche’? 5. In contrast with historical examples of colonial visual culture, consider how contemporary images are used to construct and challenge notions of imagined communities or cultural identity. 6. Using two, historically different, visual examples, critically analyse how visual culture has contributed to a particular stereotyping of Nature. I have taken the assessment criteria from the handbook (below). As this is how you will be assessed you should read and respond to these criteria in your essay: ASSESSMENT CRITERIA These identify the threshold standards required to pass the module Evidence that you can compose a critical essay question within the context of themes covered within the module.(LO1). Evidence of your comprehension and ability to analysis theoretical texts. (LO 1) Evidence that you can communicate effectively in written form analytical discussion on visual communication in critical terms. (LO2) Evidence that you can reflect on the context of visual communication in the wider field of visual culture (LO 3) Evidence that you can understand and synthesise complex information and structure your findings to form new ideas and thinking on a topic (LO 4). Your essay layout, structure, presentation and referencing is very important. Remember to include your essay question, your name, module details and page numbers. You should use Harvard referencing to reference your quotes and sources. This should relate to a bibliography. You will be marked on this so if you are unsure look at the comprehensive guide in the module handbook (downloadable from week one on Blackboard), ask about Harvard referencing at the library or search for a guide on the Westminster University website. Good Luck.

Sam’s post on Blackboard re: essay requirements and questions

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9 Dec - Lecture: Essay Discussion

I’ve gotta be in for a tutorial at 12:50 PM with Sam re: the essay, but I don’t really have any questions, so I’m not sure what to do. I’m going in for the attendance marks, because I don’t think there’s actually a lesson today so I should be good for coming in just for the tutorial slot (didn’t see anything indicating we had a lesson today besides tutorials), and I’m hoping I didn’t fuck up crucially somehow. 

I’m going to repost the essay questions/information in full here in a second off of the Blackboard post, so I can keep track and reference it on my phone while I’m in.

Honestly, I think I should email and cancel my tutorial slot, but again, I’m worried about the tier 4 attendance issue. Although, I’m coming in late for the tutorial, so... ? I’m never really sure. I don’t want to fuck myself over, but I really don’t have a reason to come in today, when I could be starting on the essay today and have it done ASAP so I can get back to the video work. 

Sigh.

Still working on video, will post essay notes as they come along; Just giving a quick update. 

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8 Dec - 4:30 AM - Uploaded

So, here is the demo upload! 

The video narrative is as follows: 

During the day, the security camera is simply a background element, noticed but often ignored as a fact of life or as a building decoration. 

However, in the solitude of night, the sensation of being watched is unshakeable, and through the eyes of the captive or the camera (indistinguishable/difficult to tell at points) we see an existence defined by being watched and watching, and in the end, both the camera and the watcher exist in the same space. 

Themes and Correlations to Research 

Heavily inspired by the trip to the Ai Weiwei exhibit, major themes are surveillance, captivity, paranoia, and technology.

Ai Weiwei was (and is) an active blogger and social media advocate, using such platforms as Twitter and Instagram to share commentary and photos, even while under restricted access to many means of communication, as well as having a famous blog (now removed from the internet). 

As he was under home arrest and under 24/7 surveillance, I shot mostly around my own home, using trick shots to get warehouse and other shots from around where I live. (This was forced early on by lost or damaged footage from technical difficulties, but I played it to whatever advantage I could to fit into the reconstructed narrative of home arrest.) 

I wanted the video to also explore the technological aspect- Webcams can be hacked or otherwise tampered with to work both ways without indicating they are on, and most people have some camera-capable device in their homes. 

I selectively edited clips to make some seem more sinister than others, leaving the interior shots largely unedited save for one window shot, and the daytime shot of the CCTV camera unedited, to add to it’s unassuming daytime appearance. Clips switch between “camera vision” and the view of the individual being watched, while also blurring the lines. 

It is purposefully left up to debate if some clips are from the “camera” point of view, or the individual’s point of view, or both. 

The shots all feature windows and bars of some kind, suggesting voyeurism and containment. In one shot, we see leaves moving freely with the wind, next to a grid of steel bars placed over a large window in the side of a building. 

The use of singular powerful light sources (the moon, intense exterior and interior lights at night, etc.) to suggest both a camera flash and the moon- Something Ai Weiwei noted as being a focus for him while he was under home arrest (and the reasoning for the relevant quote from him being used as the video description). 

Shots are purposefully slightly shakey, both from the “camera” effect used and from using an iPhone to shoot everything, for file size and stylistic effect. It is also thematic- Ai Weiwei frequently tweets from his iPhone, and uses several social media apps, including the video function on Instagram (as previously stated), and phones are common enough to be known as the main technological element in most people’s daily lives as a constant “monitoring” device, whether it be the person filming, or the person being recorded through data available from the phone.

As Weiwei is a blogger, I added a clip of late night blog typing to show that the Individual being watched is simply a normal person, but normal people are recorded constantly, in ways many don’t know about. Technology is a great source of freedom, but it is also a data bank of you and your thoughts and processes as an individual. 

Even if you stay inside, you are still being recorded. You are watching people watching you. And you watch others. It’s a cycle. We are the subject and the beholder.

Noteable Technical Issues in this Edition 

In a quick review of the YouTube version of this clip, we can see some black frames, which is probably a result of either slightly misaligned clips in the editing bay or frame rate misalignment during rendering/export, due to the application of certain effects. 

Due to the darker nature of the clips. my “camera” effect did not come out very well at all, and will have to be redone entirely. It just looks like some vertical tugging on the screen, in most clips, and serves only to dampen colour.

The clips also need to be resized better, which is both an issue with default and manual ability to do so. I’ll be looking into solutions.

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08 Dec - 4:30 AM - Uploading to YouTube 

This process, depending on YouTube’s server load, generally takes less time than rendering. However, this also depends on length of video, etc.

In the video description, I used an Ai Weiwei quote, as that was the catalyst for my surveillance project idea/direction. I used the moon quote, out of many potential quotes from here, because it ties in directly with a clip/theme in the video. 

Once it is uploaded, I will choose a cover image (as I do not have a custom cover image for this video) from a selection of three pre-selected frames from the video, and I will post it here with a description of the narrative of the video and my reasoning/project thought process.

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08 Dec - 4 AM - Effects, Text, and Render Times 

In the top screencap, you can see that I’ve added in my effects (with the menu on the left being controls and the right menu column being the effects gen. script and default script options) and have tweaked them suitably (although here, it displays the default settings for that particular effect). 

In the second, you can see that I have added my title text on the opening clip, and have added a default animation (typewriter) so that the letters (once the text duration is altered to fit the opening clip) will animate in one letter at a time, as though being typed, as this plays into a theme/later clip towards the end of the video, to be discussed in the video post. 

The next three screencaps are of the render bar, once I have finished editing and am prepared to export the video, customising settings from the first to the second screencap (mostly changing file type to export as mp4 and changing the file name and destination), and the third screencap displays the post-render data (time of processing, data information, error log, etc.) 

It took about 30 minutes to render a two minute video, mostly due to my custom effect settings, which are always a heavier task for my laptop to perform (especially as I do not have a custom video editing PC rig), while the unedited clips took mere seconds or minutes to process. My effects are heavy-handed, and alter many aspects of the video, so this is prone to causing framerate issues etc. if not checked appropriately. (Any errors will be noted in the video upload post, upcoming shortly as the video process to YouTube.)

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8 Dec - 3 AM Edit Process Screencap

Here you can see that I’ve renamed clips in the AE sidebar, so it is easier for me to tell exactly what clip I’m handling, from the original file name organisation in the previous process post. 

I have disabled audio on all clips, as audio will be edited in once that is prepared and fully edited. 

(This is pre-effects, so the window is showing an unedited frame.)

I have colour-coded clips, blue is to be filtered with my half-customed camera filter, and pink is to be left entirely alone, as-is. 

The clips have been roughly spaced out across a two-minute runtime, as this is a test edit and is largely to gauge how the shots come across as compiled and how the effect ends up, as well as to allow for audio runtime tests later.

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8 Dec 3 AM - File Organisation Process

On the left, you can see my immediately imported (via Image Capture) .mov files on my phone, as they appear in my ALPHA HD general file folder. 

I watch them in their entirety, each clip, and rename each one as is appropriate, along with minor notes like “no filter”, so that I know when I am pulling clips around which ones are what, and where they go in the sequence. 

On the right, you can see that I then arrange the files left to right across the two rows in the order I want to import them into After Effects, so that I have a better hold on my sequence (and so I don’t have to constantly switch windows re-watching things and referring back to my storyboard wall, which was photographed here a while back). 

The “inside” clips (this will be explained in the final video and/or shot list posts) will not be filtered, while the outdoor clips will have a slightly customed “security camera” effect, to follow the surveillance theme. They daylight clip of the CCTV camera will also not have filtering, for reasons which will be explained in the video post. 

I will now take these clips into Adobe After Effects CS6, and add basic text (subtitles to be added with audio on final if possible) such as the title, and my camera effects.

All clips are subject to some shifting in the editing booth, but this gives me a good quick reference for what I want to to with which files.

The files on the right in a vertical column are discarded or doubles of other files. 

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8 Dec - 2 AM Update and Panic Attack Party

I feel like no matter what I do or how much I try to allow for extra time etc. to get shit done with all of my technical issues, rain-outs, and so on, I am always going to be totally fucked over last minute by something. 

So I’m gonna put up my shot list explanation/de-bunking here, to sort of explain the first round of editing, and then the video, which will not have sound yet because there is no God. 

I also want to put up an American Horror Story video (the opening sequence to Hotel) and tie it in with my other research/inspiration to provide some insight as to what’s been influencing me, but mostly I just want to put this shit up and find my student ID etc. so that I can pass out face down on the floor in my clothes for tomorrow without showering and just get up and go in a few hours. 

I mostly tried not to fall into a deep(er) depression over the past week, during which I tried to get started on my essay for Lecture Classes and get my video finalised with some roughs so I could do an epic upload dump and have that finished so I could clean up and nail my PDF and final statement to the wall by today, but nothing in my life ever works out, so I mostly failed to get anything to work, forgot what little I already knew about anything in the process while trying to actually learn new things, and generally realised that I am incapable of success. 

Which then spiralled me into a depression, despite winter being my favourite time of year generally speaking, because I realised I also need to be working on trying to obtain some kind of student loan, and it led into reading guilt-trippy emotionally destructive emails and crying a lot instead of being a passably functional human adult with completed homework.

The best part is when I tried to call an emotional support anonymous hotline for some much-needed support, and my phone beeped super loud in my ear and told me it was out of call credit. 

The even better part was when I realised nobody gives a fuck about me or my many and varied problems, no matter how they fuck up my work plans and my general well-being, so I spent all week failing and panicking on horrible, horrible repeat. 

I have not left my flat in four days trying to get this done, and there’s still no goddamn sound, so I’m going to go in, get told I’m a fuck-up asshole, then have to come back to work on stuff due to equipment and all my files being local due to shitty software complications at uni, and it seems like 800th time is the charm here, so maybe I’ll actually get that done. 

But then, I also still have the essay to work on and a review with Sam (if I am remembering his name correctly, which given that it is 2 AM now, probably not) about something that barely exists yet, and I am hyperventilating while typing all of this out. 

Then I start questioning my health, realise this is as good as it’s going to get, and have daily horrible panic attacks that inevitably lead to no work getting done and me crying while feeling guilty, useless, stupid, and generally like a waste of everything. It then proceeds to spiral out of control into what I can only describe as a period of soul-searching, introspective spirit-crushing despair.

After which point, it is well past midnight, After Effects has frozen my laptop again, and my tears have cemented my eyelids together, which is actually a very painful sensation when you have chronic dry eye, like I do. Probably from crying so fucking much. Whatever. 

I’m not a whiny baby, I’m just saying. It sounds so over dramatic, because that’s what anxiety is and does. 

Then I get too tired to cry, reboot, work more, start panicking over what the tutors will say, start feeling guilty again over my dying father and all of that painful shit, and my fear for the future, present, and my general state of existence is so overpowering that I enter what I have nicknamed my “catatonic stress trance”, where I space out (disassociate?) and sometimes throw up. 

Nobody can say I’m not trying. I realise that I’m probably trying TOO hard, but with how anxious and sensitive I am, it’s a little hard to pull back on anything. 

I am my own meanest critic, mostly because I have zero self confidence and authority figures of any kind (re: tutors) irrationally scare the shit out of me because their opinion is the closest thing I have to validation or total rejection of my existence via my work, which currently is still not done despite my best efforts, because I am a fucking mess.

I am perpetually freaking the fuck out, over everything, at all hours, every day, all the time, and although I am getting ever so slightly better at producing work through the past two years long “bad spot” of ever-increasing stress and fear, it is really super not helping me at all that it is now officially past 2 AM and no version of my dumbfuck idea is anywhere to look at yet.

Which I am remedying now, but I’m definitely getting absolutely no sleep tonight. This is my 11th cup of coffee since 9 PM, and that’s not a joke. 

There may or may not be sound with this demo upload, as I am calling it so far, but that just means I can upload audio seperately and in the 2nd version/final of the video, and this demo upload allows people to see my process between test edits, so there’s also that. 

I am trying desperately to tell myself that this is okay and I am not okay but I will be and I am going to get shit done and it will all be good, but I cannot help but think in the back of my head: Bullshit. 

I am, however, also very aware of my unavoidable self-sabotage, so at least I am conscious enough to call myself out and try my best to power through it anyway. 

I wonder if I can include this as part of my PDF, along with the several other production diary excerpts I’m putting in, as part of my lead-up to my final statement? 

And I will also be posting the final statement up here, so that is coming soon, as well. I checked Blackboard on my phone (which is dying and is also a source of stress to me) and saw the PDF advice, or at least some part of it, so that’s nice. 

Quote of the Day

“If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.” - Carl Sagan

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1 Dec 2015 - 2 AM Update 

I have to go in today for a visa check-in, which I’m not thrilled about, as it’s Reading Week and I need to get on with my fucking work, so it’s about a three hour null spot in my day where I can’t get anything done but my attendance checked if I include all the bullshit travel. 

But, rage aside, I’ve been up all night working on my video project, as Reading Weeks are big productivity spikes for me, and I’m still making up for being sick for the entirety of the last one. 

The photos above are screencaps of my digital note-taking and narration line scripting process, using this site as a better alternative to Pages, Evernote, or other digital note software/programs. 

The dialogue lines are written forwards and backwards to help me achieve my “Twin Peaks” audio effect with the best results (see previous inspiration posts for more information on that process, under the second Twin Peaks clip) and the notes are done quickly and with no or minimal editing for a clear thought process flow, which I then finesse as things move along. (The dialogue is still subject to minor changes!) 

I’ll be elaborating on my video summary once it is up and posted. I’m going to bed soon, to have enough energy to go in for the visa check without forgetting anything crucial, and once I’m back to the editing station after that I’ll keep posting updates. 

Just thought I’d post some of my digital note process, as I don’t think I have before, and i have an apparently unique set up for my laptop based note taking as I work.

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This is the most influential thing, in my mind, for this project, taken from the American remake of Ringu (Ring). 

It’s a short video inside the movie; Barely over a minute long, it earned this film the title of one of the best remakes of a j-horror/Asian market movie ever in America, leading to the Ju-on/Grudge series being remade later on, and placed it as one of the most frightening films ever made, revitalising the horror film industry in America after it began to stagnate after the 80s horror thriller movie public interest peak dropped off.

I think it’s fitting that a short, effective video-within-the-film is inspiration for youtube videos and online horror short production in general! 

The audio is also particularly effective, giving life to the damaged VHS effects (which is a style of effect that I myself like to employ, and will be using in this video project as part of the theme of surveillance), and goes a long way to providing the eerie visuals with some extra punch. 

(I like to experiment with foley sounds, so I remember in middle school when this came out, I figured out that the “ring” sound is a wet wine glass ring being rubbed and then mildly distorted with a minor reverb and pitch elevation. It’s a thematic sound that almost every American of my generation, or at least my fellow horror buff kids, will remember from the film as being the “panic button” noise for the franchise!)

The story of the video is revealed over the course of the film, and I will not spoil it as I believe this is a must-see movie even for non-horror fans, but it is a “cursed video”. Whoever watches it will die at the end of a seven-day period, and immediately after watching the video on the first day, you receive a phone call with no-one on the other end of the line.

This video became cultural phenomenon in America. Phone call death jokes were made non-stop (and are still occasionally referenced in pop culture media), and every single person that saw the film readily admitted to how effective and horrifying the experience was. 

At barely over a minute, it scared the fucking shit out of me just now, as I watched it for the millionth time trying to figure out how to do a write-up on it without ruining the movie.

If you haven’t seen the film, or the original, please do! It is one of the only modern effective/non-”cheap” horror movies America’s cranked out, and the original is also excellent. I’d say the American version borders on “art house fear”. The aesthetics of terror! 

This video has stuck in my mind since I saw it originally in theatres, and I think it is a rare genuine example of effective artistic story-driven horror, as well as a remake being just as good if not better than the original work.

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This is the trailer to the infamous j-horror masterpiece film, Uzumaki (Spiral). 

J-horror is very influential to me, because in comparison to Western (particularly American) films, budgets tend to be tighter, effects tend to be practical as opposed to digital in most cases, and there is a common theme in many j-horror films of the mundane being made terrifying. 

The combination of minimal jumpscares, excellent story building, tight scripts, controlled budgets and effects usage, and “daylight horror” as common elements makes j-horror the last bastion of actual scary shit in media, comparable to the Italian giallo films of the seventies or low budget VHS b-movie horrors of the American eighties. 

J-horror feels notably more “real”, in that the characters are often simply normal people who become victims of whatever events may be transpiring. A contortion of reality is common in these films, so that you are never sure if something or someone is there, or real, or important, or not. The camera effectively guides you as a fellow “innocent” in the story, and scares are derived from the realistic elements of the settings and people involved. When effects are used, they are powerfully tied in to the cinematography and general story/development/feel of the film, and so are always effective, as opposed to “cheap” scares like jumps or many overused tropes.

In Uzumaki, spirals begin to “possess” a town, and the people living in it. A student throws themselves down a flight of stairs, after looking straight down over a railing and being hypnotised by the spiral staircase pattern. A person shoves themselves into a washing machine (for clothes) after becoming obsessed with the spiral form of the clothes washing around inside, thus contorting and twisting like a shirt in the machine around the central peg, and still living, looks up from inside... 

The trailer is not quite as good a representation of the film as it could have been, and I highly recommend this as a beginner’s film for the j-horror genre. It is a favourite, and is often mentioned in best-of lists. It was also a manga/book series, also titled Uzumaki, which I own and is a very influential series in its own right.

The cinematography in the film, especially playing off of the “spirals” theme, is creative and beautiful, and engages the viewer deeper into the stories and characters along the way, as well as drawing attention to minor details and backgrounds to cultivate a very immersive world.( I am using some camera techniques for my video that are highly inspired by some of the angle work in this film!)

Other j-horror films that I love (and have seeped into the back of my brain forever) are the Ringu series and Audition, among others. I’ll be posting something on the American remake edition of the Ring shortly! 

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This is the full “25 years” scene, start to finish, from Twin Peaks. 

I’m looking for the file/post I made on my personal blog with the audio technique I worked out to replicate the “reverse speech” effect used here, and if I can’t find it, I’ll upload the mp3 here and re-write the process for the sake of a complete record. 

It’s simple, but effective: Write the lines out, read them forwards, and listen to the reversed recording. Then, without assistance and the words spelled out in reverse in front of you for quick reference, give your lines in reverse, then flip that recording so that it’s “forwards”. This gives the illusion of stilted, bizarre speech, that is relatively understandable. 

The quick way is just to write the lines in reverse below them written as usual, and while watching your inflection, simply read the reversed lines after studying them for a few minutes and flip the “reversed read”.

I’m looking into how to add subtitle tracks in Adobe software for my project video right now, but if I can’t figure it out in the editing booth tonight, I’ll add it in later. I just want to have a mostly final ready to rock for tomorrow, and this weekend was rough, so I’m doing my best to slam things.

This scene scared the living shit out of me as a child, and it is still one of my all-time favourite surrealist horror scenes. Very influential! 

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This is the Twin Peaks opening theme/sequence. 

I remember watching this as a kid, and it was one of the first shows to really get me interested in television and horror as a genre. 

It captures the eerie, unsettling vibe of living in rural America perfectly. Staying with my dad in Pennsylvania was exactly like this. Strange people who seem to know you, picturesque environment wrapped around horrible drama and “one of us” style community events. 

There’s a steam train diner in Girard, PA where me and my dad would eat, where he and his father would eat, and it reminds me a great deal of the cafe where Agent Cooper orders his cherry pie- A theme of casual, every day life, being a regular at a cafe, so unassuming and typical... With underlying rot. 

The music is melodic and discordant, owing to a pleasant composition utilising electronic instruments and effects. Never soft enough to lull you completely into security, just harsh enough to make you aware of the increasing feelings of unease. 

This is one of my favourite shows of all time. I could talk forever.

I’ll be linking the “I’ll see you” scene shortly, if I can find it, as the audio techniques in those “striped room” scenes in the show inspired me to attempt the same technique, and will be a part of this video project. (I’m editing it together now, just going over my inspiration first so it all makes sense!) 

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Fri. 27 Nov - Work and No Play

Spent most of yesterday trying to deliver Thanksgiving communications to various people/family, ended up extremely stressed about my dad not contacting Wendy in Finances ASAP due to holiday issues, so I had a severe panic attack, stopped breathing, the whole ordeal. 

I did manage to screencap through some editing work, some clips ended up data damaged somewhere along the line (but they’re all easy to reshoot local stuff, so that’s nice and not really a problem), and I’m gonna post it all up as I go through it all today and through the weekend, and by Tuesday I’ll have a night onslaught of work leading up to the final posted. 

I’m gonna post some inspiration etc. (trying to do things in progressional order) so that I can show what’s influencing some of my editing decisions and shooting methods etc., and I’m also trying to find an old audio test I did on my personal blog to post here as well to show the technique I’m using for some of the “narration” audio. 

I’m still on-schedule for what I expected the holiday and this weekend to be like, despite increasing personal difficulties, so at least I planned to be a fucking wreck of a human being throughout this whole ordeal, and I gave myself adequate time and means to get things done while getting over the diaphragm seizures from panic attacks, and all that stuff. 

I think it’s probably bad when you assume you’re going to just keep having panic attacks and you do, but hey, at least I called it and I’m prepared to do my best anyway. 

The financial shit is definitely a huge stressor, the most “real world” one by far. The rest is stress about my dying family and my psychological issues and all that shit. 

To be honest, the past threats pale in the face of the future ones. As dismissive and as bitter as that sounds, and a lot of past problems are tied-in with current and future ones, but I’m 23 years old and I have a life plan to consider. 

Give me liberty or give me death. London or bust. I take shit seriously. Probably far too seriously, but really, is it news that a neurotic person has a tendency to panic? Probably not. 

It’s relevant because I’m constantly fighting everything in order to get anything done in the name of everything, and it gets very tiring and confusing and yes, stressful. But I’m doing my best, and if my best still means that in the end I’m completely fucked and I have no hope for a future, then I suppose it’s inevitable. 

Failure cannot be an option, but it is also the only option, as someone that works and lives in a creative field. I have to fail to succeed, eventually, in order to continue succeeding. Everything is a contradiction, and when someone is as serious and as purely afraid as I am, that really doesn’t help bring stress down any. 

At least I’m self aware, I suppose.

I’m working. Whether or not I am judged as good enough, that’s not my call. I can only do my best, and keep doing my best, until it kills me or until whoever’s in charge kills me by sending me back to a place that doesn’t exist anymore.

It’s such a horrible thought that I gagged, typing that out.

I sound so dramatic! But I guess that’s just what these thoughts and feelings look like in text. It’s almost impossible to translate constantly tensed muscles and endless sleepless nights into someone else’s internal monologue in quite the right way, if they have never experienced the same causes. This is a unique set of issues that I have, here. Which I think is also why so many people never talk about this kind of thing. They worry about sounding overly dramatic, but it’s unavoidable. 

Everyone has thoughts and feelings and life experiences that only apply to them as individuals. There’s an art in even attempting to bridge the gap, I think, and no small amount of bravery, because it’s such a vulnerable state of honesty, to speak freely about these things. Even here, with my Honesty Policy on this blog, I just mentally block myself from ever saying certain things, because my brain is trying to protect itself. It’s not denial, but something similar that might be a necessary mechanism in human beings just to keep them going.

Unfortunately, I tend to think about everything constantly, which I guess is what being neurotic is. It’s just not having the ability to insulate yourself in any way, from anything that has ever happened or will happen. It’s constant hyperawareness, the worst-case scenario is always right there.

I’m doing a surprisingly great job of pushing on anyway, just as a personal judge of my own abilities and issues. I try. I’ve had more than a few mental breakdowns, including the one this summer which was a major ordeal, and so I’m in that “numb rebound” period where I don’t smile, but I don’t have the energy to cry, so I just try to get on with things instead. 

Beneficial for work, hopefully! 

Maybe I’m weak, maybe this all sounds overly alarmist or despair-filled, but thinking objectively, I’m here and I’m working and I’m doing all that I can 

Days are too short. Days are too stuffy and alone. But I’m working so that I can stay here with the freedom of doing what I love (making art) and making a living and making a life somewhere where I know people and I am happy and I have a hope in hell of being successful and surviving as an adult. 

Go through hell, so you can experience heaven. 

The immediate goal is to simply stay here and in doing so, stay alive and well. Work towards success. 

The end goal is the dream, and it’s a straight-forward one. Live a modest life in the best city on the planet with people I care for and work with and can experience success with, and grow with, and make a life through my trade of art.

Nothing said that achieving dreams were easy. It’s just extra-hard for some people.

So I’m gonna get my ass back in the editing booth here, generate some foley and do some audio, post all that stuff as it gets done with the progress shots, then over the weekend nail the final to the wall like christ on the cross, and then do the PDF and make it all spit-shined and ready to rock, and then start in on the essay, and somewhere in here in the immediate future get my father to call Wendy and get the shop on Society6 (or similar) up and running (after checking visa restrictions regarding things like that and checking tax info with my dad etc.) and eventually, go to sleep. 

Alrighty, then.