Studying, Coffee, & Chicago @study-coffee-chicago - Tumblr Blog

Seasons of Med: Season 8: Everyone Leaves (Part 1a since tumblr is telling me the full part is too big to post)

A/N: TW for attempted suicide. Please, please, please do not read if this will trigger you! I cannot stress this enough! Also, there will be a part 2. More on that in the author's note at the end of the chapter.

Your age: 21

Jay's age: 35

Will's age: 37

You looked at your planner as you sat at the kitchen table drinking coffee and eating breakfast. You willed yourself not to look at today's date. After all, you had that date circled with red pen and stickers next to it since you had gotten this planner at the beginning of the year. It was the eight month mark.

It was the day Jay was supposed to be coming home from Bolivia.

But, you found out a month ago from Hailey that he had extended his contract. He didn't even talk to you or Will or Hailey. He just did it.

You would have understood why he did this fifteen years ago—well, not really because you were just a child, but looking back you would have—, but now he had Hailey. Hell, if it was just you living with him, you'd understand if he left.

But, what you couldn't understand is why he only gave you a few hour's notice when leaving and why he didn't even care to call you or Hailey or Will to tell you that he extended.

"Morning," Hailey said, taking you out of your thoughts. She gave your shoulder a squeeze; she knew as well as you did what day it was. "How you holding up?"

You simply shrugged. You had been throwing yourself into graduate school applications and research experience and studying for the GRE just to have something to do over the summer. You even picked up extra shifts at the coffee shop you worked at. Because, you knew if you let your mind wander as it got closer to this day, that it would be bad news. Hell, you had planned on only applying to psychology doctoral programs that did not require the GRE, but with Jay gone and you worrying about his damn safety, you needed something else to struggle through. And, remembering high school math was just that thing.

But, today you had decided to not try to pick up a shift at work because you didn't know how you'd feel. And now you really wished you would have.

"I'm gonna go to the library soon," was what you decided to say to Hailey instead of telling her about your feelings. "Work on some stats problems and other math on the big whiteboards in the study rooms."

"Y/N, you know it doesn't hurt to talk about—"

"Hailey, I'm okay, really. I'm fine."

You knew she wasn't sleeping and was going on late night runs, so you didn't want to burden her with your feelings, too.

After all, crying to Hailey wouldn't bring Jay back.

She pulled out the chair across from you, sat down, and then her fingers touched your planner and she slid it towards her. She closed it and pushed it to the side.

You shook your head as a sad smile came to your face.

"Jay would've done the same thing," you said sadly. "Take away all the distractions and try to get me to talk."

"Y/N, I know you're upset. You can tell me—"

You quickly stood up. "Tell you what, Hailey?! That one of the two people in my family that I have left decided to leave without asking us and then extended his stay in a different country without talking to us? It's not gonna bring him back, Hailey! He does what he wants now without a care about anyone else! I don't know what has gotten into him, but that's not the brother I know!"

"Y/N—"

"I'm gonna go get ready and go to the library," you reiterated. "Keep the planner. I know what I need to do anyway."

When you walked into your room to get dressed, you saw Jay's stupid fucking Build-A-Bear on your bed. You had swapped Beary for Detective Blue when he left so that you'd each have a piece of each other.

You picked him up and threw him in your closet. And when you were done grabbing your clothes for day, you slammed the door, effectively keeping that bear out of eyesight.

The less things that reminded you of Jay, the better.

***

Hailey looked at her phone and debated calling Jay. But, would he even pick up? He said he'd be off the wire until Saturday morning, but did she mean her Saturday morning or his?

God, she hated this. The man who was supposed to love her as just as she was went running away.

"How screwed up am I and when do you cut your loses and run?"

"I'm not going anywhere, Hailey," he had said to her. And then, "eight months, maybe a little longer."

Well, extending his stay in Bolivia until after Christmas to be there for over a year was a lot longer than eight months.

Maybe he figured he should cut his losses and run after less than a year of marriage.

Maybe she needed to cut her losses, too.

She had her hand on her nightstand drawer where she kept the divorce papers when she thought she'd give him one more chance.

Hey, she typed on her phone. Give Y/N a call today when you get a chance. I know she's upset about you still being gone and she's shutting me out. Maybe you can get through to her.

She hit send on the text message.

She'd give him two more weeks, and then she too would be cutting her losses. Then, she moved the divorce papers to her closet because maybe not having that reminder next to her bed at night ould give her some clarity.

***

You were standing at a whiteboard in the study room you had booked struggling over some problems, so when your phone buzzed, it was a welcomed quick break.

It was Bri, one of your friends from work.

Hey, I know today might be rough for you, so wanna grab tacos and margs later? My treat? I'm off at 3, so we can meet at 4. Let me know! Hope you're doing okay!

You smiled. Bri was going into social work and was picking up extra shifts over the summer to work on saving some money because she'd be starting her master's degree in the fall. You know she'd make a damn good social worker. And, after the many shifts where it was only the two of you working open to close, you had formed a strong friendship built on sleep deprivation, caffeine, rude customers, and telling each other everything.

Definitely! you replied. Our usual spot?

She quickly replied confirming this and you went to put your phone down when it buzzed with another text. Assuming it was Bri, you looked at the text.

I know today might be rough. Can we talk?

It was Jay.

You huffed and shook your head, turned your phone on silent, and laid it face down on the table.

Talking wouldn't bring him home and wouldn't make the fact that he extended without asking go away. So no, you couldn't talk.

When you left studying to go get some food in you with Bri a few hours later, you saw his text. It was sent an hour after the first one.

Talked to Hailey. C'mon, Short Stack, talk to us.

If you weren't so pissed at him, you might have smiled at the use of your nickname. Instead, you typed out a quick reply.

Busy. Don't have time to talk right now.

***

It was now 9 pm and you were home from dinner with Bri and now with some alcohol in your system (like 1.5 drinks, you had been fine to drive), you finally had the strength to text Jay. It was 10pm his time since he was only an hour ahead of you, but maybe you'd get lucky and he'd be sleeping or off the wire unable to get service.

You just needed to say your peace. Jay was right, you just needed to let them in.

You shook your head at that last thought. Jay wasn't right! He hasn't been right about anything since the day he left eight months ago!

You opened your notes app and began to draft a text. Never in your wildest dreams did you think that you'd be drafting a text to your big brother—this was reserved for important emails and texts to supervisors—but you didn't even know exactly what you were feeling. So, how were you going to portray it to Jay?

After five minutes of writing, you settled on it.

Anger.

I'm pissed, Jay! You told me a date after you gave me, Will, and Hailey a couple of hours' notice about leaving and then you extended without even fucking talking to us! You didn't even talk to your wife! You want me to talk to you and all that but you never did that for us! You're being such a fucking hypocrite! Mom and Dad are gone, you're gone, who's next? Will? Hailey? Because everyone leaves me in the end. But, God, I never thought it would be you of all people who left.

Let me know when you see the real Jay again because the last time I saw him was before he got on that plane to Bolivia.

Then, you hit send, turned your phone on silent, and cried angry tears until you fell asleep.

***

You woke up the next morning at 9am and walked into the kitchen fifteen minutes later. The minute you turned on the coffee machine, you heard the door open. Hailey must've gone on an early morning run.

Who knows, maybe criminals went to church early today, so she had to be at work and start dealing with their after-church crimes at 10am.

Luckily for you, you didn't have to be at work until 1pm, so you could try to relax...if possible. Or, you'd just study to have something else to focus on. Maybe even go for a run.

After all, you hadn't turned your phone back on to see Jay's text, so you might need to do something physically demanding once you read it.

"Jay would've been pissed you're not aware of your surroundings, you know that, right?"

You whipped your head around at the sound of Will's voice and put your hand to your hand to your heart.

"Jesus! You scared me. I thought you were Hailey!"

"Definitely not Hailey," Will answered. "You got time to talk before work?"

"Talk? You know you could've called me to talk, right?"

"Your phone went straight to voicemail. Wanted to check and make sure you're okay."

"Thanks. I'm fine. I just turned it off. Let me get some breakfast first. And, last I checked, Jay's not here."

"Y/N—"

"Breakfast first, then talk, Will."

Will rolled his eyes and muttered something about how you being hangry was the worst type of you, but pulled out a chair at the kitchen table, sat down, and then went on his phone.

"Oh, Hailey told me to tell you that she got called into work this morning because you haven't answered your phone," he said.

"Okay. Doesn't make a difference in my life."

"Y/N, c'mon now—"

"Breakfast isn't on the table so we don't talk yet."

Will sighed, but went back to his phone and quickly typed out a response to Hailey to tell her that he had told you.

Once you sat down and took a couple bites of yogurt and had a few sips of coffee, Will started talking.

"Jay told me what you said."

"Well obviously. Or else you probably wouldn't be over here," you quipped.

Will sighed out of frustration. "You know what I mean. Have you always been feeling like this since Jay left or is it just because he was supposed to come home yesterday?"

He was just going to keep pushing, so there was no point in letting him in on one small point.

"Since he extended, it's gotten worse."

Will nodded. "Yeah, I'm pissed that he didn't talk to us, too."

"You are?"

Will had never told you this. You thought he'd been fine with Jay extending.

"I told him that he's married now and he needs to talk to people instead of just bottling up his feelings like he did after his first and second tours. And, to do it soon before it might be too late for him and Hailey."

"Dr. Will Halstead, the love doctor," you joked after you swallowed a bite of your yogurt.

"Please never call me that again," he deadpanned. "And I told him that his actions had an impact on you."

Your head shot up from where you were stirring your peanut butter into your yogurt a bit better. "When did you tell him that?"

"Last night when I was talking to him."

"He-he called you?"

"Well yeah. When you didn't answer your phone, he called me."

"Why didn't he just call Hailey?"

"He did. She said you were home and didn't give him much more of anything to go on, so he called me."

At this, you raised your eyebrows. "So he called you to be nosy about my life?"

Will paused and pursed his lips to the side. "Well, when you put it that way—"

"He doesn't have the right to nose into my life anymore! I'm a grown ass adult! He lost that privilege of cop when he left and extended! He lost his protective privileges of big brother be-because he did what he'd never said he'd do: he left, Will."

Your voice cracked on that last word and that was all it took for the waterworks to start.

"I'm just so sick- so sick of people leaving," you stuttered.

Shit, you were a blubbering mess. This is not what you wanted.

Jay didn't cry over you or care about leaving you, Hailey, and Will, so why are you crying over him?

He doesn't care about you. He might pretend to care, but if he really cared, he wouldn't have left.

You frantically wiped at your eyes.

"Fuck. I didn't want this to go- to go like this," you said.

"Y/N, whatever you're feeling is okay," Will said. "I'm pissed at him, too, but I know we all have our lives and people leave as we get older. Doesn't mean they don't love you, though."

"So you're okay with him leaving because he's older?" you spat.

"That's not what I said—"

"Well it sure as hell sounded like it."

Will sighed. "Do you want to argue or do you want to talk about this?"

"Wow. So now you're trying to parent me, got it."

"Y/N, that's not—"

"Whatever it is you're trying to do, don't. It's not gonna bring Jay home. I'm gonna go eat my breakfast in my room now. You can tell Jay whatever you wanna tell him. You confirmed I'm alive and that I'm still pissed at him. That's what you came here for, right?"

Will knew he wasn't going to get through to you. "Fuck it. Whatever, Y/N. Go do whatever it is you wanna do."

"Cool. Not that I needed your permission anyway since you and Jay obviously don't take my thoughts and feelings into consideration, so why should I take yours?"

And then you stomped off to your room to see multiple texts from Jay and one from Hailey saying she got called in and didn't know what time she'd be home.

You decided to respond to Hailey's text and then shut your phone off. Jay would hear all about your conversation with Will from him anyway.

Once Will got in his car, he quickly shot a text to Hailey.

Can you slip away from the district for a while for lunch? It's about Y/N.

***

"I've only got about twenty minutes before the rest of the team starts texting me asking where their food is," Hailey prefaced when she walked into Steak N' Shake around 11:30.

"Ah, did this under the guise of running errands, got it," Will replied.

"I wouldn't exactly call it that, more like getting sustenance."

A waitress came up to them, and they both ordered milkshakes and Hailey ordered some food to go.

"Alright, what's going on?" Hailey asked. "Did you get through to her? Because me and Jay sure as hell didn't."

"Well, sort of. And then she lost it."

Hailey raised an eyebrow. "Lost it?"

"Said everyone leaves her and no one takes her feelings into consideration, and then practically cussed me out."

Haily shrugged. "Honestly, that doesn't surprise me."

"What?"

"She's been bottling up her emotions so much it's about time she lashed out. And, well, sometimes I feel the same way."

"Hailey--"

"Just don't tell Jay I said that."

"Your secret's safe with me."

A few minutes later, their milkshakes came out, and Will was still trying to articulate his thoughts to his sister-in-law.

"I'll talk to Jay. But, um, there's something else," Will began. "I've been talking to Natalie, and she said there's a job opening for an ED doc in Seattle."

Hailey sighed and felt her stomach twist into knots. "Tell me you aren't considering it."

"Hailey, I took the job."

"Will, what the hell were you thinking? Y/N's gonna be a wreck! More than she is now."

"I know, I know. I took the job a month ago and said I could start in a month. I thought, well, I assumed, Jay would be back by now."

"Because he hadn't extended when you took the job."

"Yeah."

"And you've talked to Jay about this?"

"I have not."

Hailey sighed. "I'm going to tell you this one time, and then I am going back to work, and then I'll talk to Jay tonight. Even though your mom and dad are gone, you three have a family relationship that I never had. And here both of you are throwing it away for some jobs." She had more choice words, but she was going to save those for Jay later tonight after Will told him that he'd be moving to Seattle.

"She's an adult, Hailey, she--"

"That girl has been through significant trauma, Will! You're taking away her support system and--" She took a deep breath. "You know what, nevermind. I need to get back to work, and you need to call Jay and figure out how to handle this and tell Y/N. Because don't you dare tell her the day before like Jay did. Don't you dare make her feel more abandoned than how she is already feeling."

***

"So, Will told you, huh?" was the first thing that Hailey said to her husband when she answered the phone later that night.

"Yeah, shocked he told you first, though," he answered, his voice tense.

"May have been a struggle to get ahold of you all things considered."

"Yeah, probably." He paused. "Uh, can you put Y/N on the phone? She hasn't answered my calls or texts."

"I can try, but she might not want to, Jay. She's hurting. Because of you."

"I- Listen, don't you think I know that, Hailey? I already signed the contract. I can't change it now."

She almost asked why he did it, but that was a conversation she needed to have with a level head. But, she sure as hell was going to have it in the next two weeks before she signed those divorce papers. Who knows if he'd even be honest about his reasons? But that would be their last-ditch effort. For their marriage. For them.

"I understand that. But, you-- you abandoned her, Jay. After everything that girl went through, you did the thing you swore you'd never do: you left."

"Temporarily."

"She doesn't know if it's temporary! Hell, I don't even know anymore!"

"Are we talking about Y/N or are we talking about us?"

"Hell, I don't even know anymore, Jay! And, I'm starting to understand why Y/N doesn't want to talk to you."

"And why is that?"

"Because we don't know you anymore, Jay! You're not the person you were eight months ago. You're not the man I--" She cut herself off before she could finish her sentence, using the last bit of self-restraint she had left in her.

"I'm not the man you what, Hailey?"

"I-- Nevermind. Do you still want to talk to Y/N?"

"She's still there with you, right? Not out partying, being self-destructive?"

"Last I checked, she's holed up in her room, studying for the GRE."

"She's safe then. So, no, I don't need to talk to her."

"Ok. Then, goodnight, Jay."

"Night, Hailey, I--"

But she hung up the phone before she could hear the rest of what he had to say.

I love you.

***

One week later.

"What's going on? You two are scaring me." Then a thought came to your mind. "Did Jay die? Is he hurt? What's going on?"

"No, no, nothing like that," Will quickly reassured you when you, Hailey, and Will all sat down at the table with a serving bowl filled with fettuccine alfredo in front of the three of you. Your favorite. "Let's eat a bit before we talk, though. I'm starving."

After five minutes of eating, Will broke the silence.

"I got a new job."

You looked up. "Didn't know you were looking for one." Not that you knew much about either of your brothers' lives now, apparently. "Where at?"

"Gray Solane Hospital. It's in Seattle."

"I- What? Seattle?" Your jaw dropped, and you looked into Will's eyes with a puzzled expression on your face. There was not a hint of remorse in his eyes. "When? When are you moving and leaving me, too?"

"I'm not leaving you! You can always come visit--"

"Answer the goddamn question, William," you spat.

"Three weeks. But I'm leaving tomorrow morning to go look at apartments out there for a few days."

You stood up. And you saw red. If someone asked you later on what you remember about that night and the next 12 hours, you'd say it's all a blur.

"Fuck you, Will! Fuck you! Do you remember when you said when I moved in with Jay? You both always said you'd be there for me, and you're breaking that promise! I might have been okay with it if you told me right away, but no! You waited just like Jay!"

"Y/N, I'm not waiting until the day before--"

"You're leaving to go look at apartments and then moving across the country, and you didn't even talk to me!"

"At least I'm still in the country!"

"Guys!" Hailey yelled, but it was no use.

"You don't get it! You're leaving me! I had no say in Mom dying, no say in Dad dying, no say in Jay leaving, and now you're leaving, too! No one gives a fuck about my feelings in this family!"

"Mom and Dad were different, and you know it!" Will yelled.

"But you and Jay aren't!"

"Okay, fine, we're alike in that, Y/N! What else do you want me to say?"

"I want you to think about someone other than yourself!"

"Wow. So you don't think I've thought this through at all, huh? Is that it?"

"That's not what I'm saying! I'm saying when people leave, you leave! You run away! Mom was dying, and you left! Jay's gone, and now you're leaving! You didn't care about me then and you don't now!"

"You know that's not true!"

"Maybe it's not, but now I understand why you and Jay didn't talk for years! Add me to the club, Will! Because right now, I hate you!"

And then you turned on your heel and ran to your room and slammed the door.

Will grit his teeth and then slammed his hands down on the table, causing Hailey to jump. His eyes softened. "Hailey, I—"

"I think you'd better go, Will," Hailey said, almost whispering.

Will nodded. "Understood."

Then, he grabbed his keys and wallet and walked out the door.

***

You stood stock still in your room, trying to hold back your tears. Your oldest brother was leaving, and you'd be alone. Sure, you had Hailey and friends and other family friends, but you didn't have your family, your true, blood family.

At this point, you wondered why you were even surprised. You scoffed at yourself.

Everyone leaves, Y/N. You think you're special, but you're not.

And it was true. Everyone did leave. So, if they left, maybe you needed to leave, too.

And honestly, with everything you had gone through in the past six or seven years, you were shocked it took this long to come to this decision.

Like Will had said to you and Jay regarding your dad's heart before he died, you were living on borrowed time. And, you were shocked that you made it this many years without seriously considering what you were about to do next. Sure, there were moments, but they weren't big, just for pain relief with no intent. But now you knew you were going to go through with it. And, while it scared you, you knew it had to be done. So, you laid in bed, listening to Hailey knock on your door, and tried to come up with the most painless plan.

***

"Y/N, c'mon, open the door. I know you're in there," Hailey said and knocked once more. "Listen, it's gonna be okay." She paused. "Who am I kidding? It's not okay that both of your brothers sprung these changes on you so quickly." At this point, she was at a loss for words. "I'm sorry they did this to you, Y/N. I'm so sorry. That's not what family is supposed to do." She listened at your door for any signs of movement. She counted to thirty. Nothing. "Y/N, I'm coming in. I need to make sure you're okay."

When she opened the door, she walked into your room and saw that you were already asleep with your back to the door, your chest rising and falling in a steady rhythm.

Hailey sighed. "Goodnight, Y/N. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better."

Then she walked out of your room, but not without muttering under her breath, "Now I have to go talk to Jay. Shit."

Once she got to her room, she dialed the familiar number. While it rang, she glanced at the door to her closet.

Not yet, she told herself. He still has some time. She rolled her eyes. But not a lot of time.

"Hey," Jay said when he picked up.

"Hey. You answered fast," Hailey replied.

"Yeah, um, I talked to Will this morning, and he said he was gonna tell Y/N he's moving today."

"So you were expecting my call?"

"Essentially, yeah. I was expecting either yours or Will's. You beat him to it." He paused, waiting for Hailey to say something, but she didn't. So, he continued. "How is she?"

"She's not good, Jay. She's not good."

"Define not good."

God, she really was gonna have to spell it out for this man.

"When I checked on her, she was breathing, so she's alive; she has that going for her. But that girl has been hurt and abandoned her entire life, Jay! And, I know you're gonna say your parents' deaths were different—which they were—but, Jay, you two are leaving, well, you left her already, with almost no warning."

"So, what are you saying, Hailey? That this is on me?"

"No, but- I just, I don't know, Jay. You guys have the family I never had, and maybe it would be different if you were home like you planned on, but Y/N's losing both of you at the same time and—"

"Hailey, breathe, okay? I'm right here."

She took a deep breath and then a shallower one and continued. "She can visit Will. She can't visit you, though. I always thought you were a good man, Jay. But now—" She abruptly stopped. "A good man wouldn't—" She took a deep, shaky breath. "I just—"

"Hailey," Jay began calmly. "Hailey, take a—"

"I gotta go, Jay. I'm sorry."

And then, she ended the call and put her head in her hands, all the while wondering if Jay Halstead would still be considered a good man.

***

You stared at the ceiling. It was nearing midnight, and you hadn't slept due to your mind racing. Sure, you'd had these thoughts before—especially when you went to a house party that turned into a mass casualty event and got shot in the wrist—but you knew you'd never go through with it then. At that time, they were just quick blitzes of thought that came to you when you were trying to fall asleep and couldn't, or when you'd wake up from a nightmare. But now, they were much more serious. They'd been swirling around your head for a while since you learned that Jay extended, like crows circling a dead deer, but never landing on the carcass. Now, however, the crows were diving. And they were diving fast.

12:03.

You strained your ears and listened for any movement in the apartment that would signal that Hailey was awake.

You didn't want her to stop you. You didn't want her to have you involuntarily committed.

There was no sound except for the steady white noise of your fan and the faint hum of the air conditioner.

You closed your eyes tight and clenched your jaw. Then, you opened your eyes and relaxed your jaw. It was now or never. Hailey would be awake in a matter of hours, and you wanted to be well out of Chicago by then, preferably to the west, because if Will was already in the air when it happened or if he was already in Seattle, it would be a faster drive for him if he drove. A closer and cheaper flight or gas money saved. The last thing you wanted to do was be a burden, even if you weren't breathing.

Maybe that's why your brothers both left.

Maybe you were a burden. After all, you ruined Jay's relationship with Erin, and just when Will and Natalie started to get along again, when she was still in Chicago, you went and told Will about the trial meds. Maybe she'd still be in the city if it wasn't for you. Maybe Erin would still be here instead of God knows where. Then, if Erin were here, maybe Jay would be, too.

Maybe your brothers' lives would be better if you were just gone.

So, you did what was in the back of your mind since you first found out that Jay was going to extend: you walked out of your room and grabbed your bag. From there, you made your way to the bathroom.

You looked in the mirror. You had bags under your eyes, and they were red and puffy, and stress lines were starting to show across your forehead. You opened the medicine cabinet and scanned the medications. There were your typical over-the-counter pain killers, allergy meds, and prescription medications, mainly Hailey's because Jay's were in Bolivia with him. At least, you assumed they were in Bolivia with him.

You hadn't ever given much thought to whether he could bring his Prazosin to the military with him. You hoped he was doing okay and wasn't getting triggered too much. You hoped his mind wasn't playing sick tricks on him at night when he tried to sleep.

You grabbed a few bottles of some of the over-the-counter medications. If you had any prescription ones, you probably would've grabbed those, too. But the only prescription ones were Hailey's, and you didn't want her to miss her meds and feel like shit physically or mentally, all because of you.

After throwing the bottles of pills in your bag, you made your way into the kitchen, intently listening for any sounds that would signal that Hailey was awake. After practically tiptoeing through the kitchen, you stopped in front of the fridge, stood on your tiptoes, and opened the cabinet where the alcohol was stored.

After grabbing a bottle of vodka and stowing it in your bag, you quietly walked towards the door and left the apartment, not without locking the door. You didn't want Hailey to think anything had happened; you didn't want her to worry about you.

Then, you made your way to your car, got in, put your bag in the passenger seat, and began driving, intent on going as far away from Chicago as you could before you ran out of gas so that no one could stop you.

***

An hour and a half later, you made a stop for coffee. Your eyes were starting to close, but you weren't far enough away from home yet to justify stopping. And, the last thing you wanted to do during this was get into a car accident and hurt other people. No, that pain was only reserved for yourself.

***

Four hours later, you were almost out of gas. So, you pulled over on the side of the highway, turned off your car, and picked up your phone.

You hoped they wouldn't be too heartbroken.

I love you guys. I'm sorry, was all you typed and then hit send. From there, you turned on your do-not-disturb and put it on silent, and muted the chat.

Then, you used the flashlight on your phone to rummage through your bag.

You twisted open the cap on the vodka bottle and took multiple swigs. It burned, and it didn't taste good without a mixer or a chaser, but you figured mixing the two would get you there faster.

Then, you uncapped the first bottle of painkillers, poured out a small handful, and washed them down with the alcohol.

***

You didn't know how much time had passed. All you knew was that your body was beginning to go numb, you were sweating and thirsty, and your heart was pounding out of your chest. You groaned as you felt a tightening and twisting in your chest.

Is this how you wanted to go? You thought it would be painless, but it wasn't.

Your thoughts turned to Will and Jay. Will would know how much pain you were in when you died. You imagined Jay asking him if it was quick and painless, and Will hesitating but telling him that it was. Jay would see right through his lie and crumble right then and there.

And what about Hailey? She'd be beside herself with guilt for not hearing you leave tonight and trying to stop you. Even though she'd tell Jay that she didn't blame herself, she secretly would, and she'd have constant nightmares for months.

You couldn't do this to them.

It took all your might to reach for your phone. You had to stare at your hand as you were moving it as there was no feeling at all left in your hands, forearms, and feet.

Somehow, you managed to open the dial pad. After pressing a few buttons, a voice came through the phone.

"911, what's your emergency?"

When you opened your mouth to speak, you were shocked that any sound came out at all.

"I don't want... to die."

***

"Hey, Nat, what's—"

"Did you turn your phone off airplane mode yet?" Natalie asked quickly, cutting Will off.

Will definitely was not expecting that first question from Natalie after only seeing her via FaceTime and over coffee during the holidays after a year and a half.

"What? I found you didn't I?" He paused. "Wait, where's Owen? I thought you said he'd be with you."

"I had to go drop him off at the sitter's. Listen, Will, Hailey called me and- maybe we should sit down."

"Wait, wait, wait, Hailey called you? Is it Jay? Is he okay?"

"He's okay, but let's just sit down."

The two made their way to the seating area near a small cafe in the Seattle airport.

"Listen, Will, uh.."

Will cocked an eyebrow and then reached across the table for Natalie's hand. "Natalie, what's going on?"

"It's Y/N. Hailey called, and she said she was going to a hospital in St. Louis, and they found her in the car, almost unconscious and—" Natalie took a deep breath to settle herself. It was only then that Will noticed the duffle bag by her feet. "Will, she attempted to commit suicide."

There was a ringing in his ears. Was he going into shock? Were the intercoms malfunctioning? Did someone's phone have an annoying and loud-as-hell ringtone?

Natalie removed her hand from his and reached across the table to cup his face with both hands. "Will. Will. Look at me. She's in the hospital. She's in good hands."

He blinked. Once. Twice. Three times.

"Do you know what happened?" he asked.

"All I know is that she was on the way to the hospital an hour ago."

"Did anyone call Jay?"

"Hailey said she couldn't get through, that he may have been off the wire."

"Did she try to call his sergeant?"

"She didn't say. But she said she was about to start driving to St. Louis."

"Okay, okay, so she probably didn't want to make multiple calls to Jay while driving. That- That makes sense," Will said, still not completely believing what he was hearing.

"Our flight back to St. Louis leaves in two hours," Natalie told him.

He needed to compartmentalize this. He needed to figure out where you were, what hospital to go to, he needed to rent a car when he got there, and figure out your prognosis.

Will closed his eyes, clenched his teeth, and took a deep breath. When he looked back at Natalie, she saw it. It was the Will she always saw at Med: cool, calm, and collected (and a little risky) in the face of an emergency.

"I need to call Hailey and then get ahold of Jay."

***

Hailey was driving as fast as she could while trying to not get pulled over. She could throw on her lights and sirens, but she only had jurisdiction in the city, so it wouldn't matter much now that she was an hour and a half out of Chicago.

It was like her body was on autopilot for the past hour and forty-five minutes. She had woken up to a shrill ringing from her phone. She expected it to be Jay since he was an hour ahead of her, even though he said he'd be off the wire until late morning, so she blindly answered it. But it wasn't Jay. It was a nurse at a hospital in St. Louis.

"What? I don't know anyone there," she had said.

"Are you not Hailey Upton, Y/N Halstead's secondary emergency contact?"

That's right. After Jay left, Hailey made sure you changed your emergency contact when she did. Your primary was now Will instead of Jay, and your secondary was now Hailey.

The next fifteen minutes were a blur of getting information and an address, splashing water on her face, and brushing her teeth while she got dressed. Then, she was out the door.

But she needed to call someone. Maybe Will had service on the plane. She tried him, but no answer. So, she called Natalie and gave her a quick rundown and relayed the name of the hospital. Then, she tried to call Jay, but just as she suspected, he was off the wire. No answer.

Hailey's phone ringing snapped her out of her memories from this morning. She looked at her screen and saw it was Will. She saw an exit for gas and glanced at her gas gauge. A quarter of a tank. She needed to get gas anyway. It'd be better if she weren't driving for this. There couldn't be two Halsteads in the hospital, especially not hours apart from each other.

"Hey, I'm pulling off the highway and into a gas station right now," Hailey said when she clicked the accept button on the built-in screen of her car. She was shocked at how steady her voice was.

"Hailey, Natalie just told me. I-- we are getting the next flight to St. Louis. What happened?" He was holding back tears. "She's- she's alive, right?"

"Will, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I didn't hear her wake up. I was finally sleeping well for the first time in who knows how long and--"

"Hey, hey, it's not your fault. Can you tell me what happened? So that I can call Jay?"

"Shit. I was gonna try and call Major Baxter, but I forgot and--"

"Hailey, it's okay. You're driving, and I still have a couple of hours to kill until my flight. Can you tell me what happened?"

***

Jay all but dragged himself back to base. After being awake and off the wire for eight hours throughout the night, he needed at least an hour to just lay down and rest his eyes. But he was stopped before he even made it back into the barracks.

"Major," Jay greeted.

"Halstead. I need you in my office. You have a phone call. It's urgent."

His mind went into overdrive. "Is it my wife, Hailey? Is she okay? Did she get hurt on the job?"

"Come with me, Halstead."

His heart dropped, but he quickly followed Major Baxter into his office, where he handed Jay the phone, but not without telling him that he may want to sit down for this.

"Halstead," Jay answered into the phone, staying professional for the time being.

"Jay, it's Will, uh, listen--"

"Is it Hailey? Is she okay?" Jay asked, feeling his heart rate begin to accelerate.

"Hailey's okay. She's driving right now, which is why I called you. It's about Y/N." At this, Will began to get choked up. "She-- uh, she- Y/N..." He took a deep breath and then let his next sentence out as quickly as possible. "She tried to kill herself, Jay."

Jay just stood there.

"Jay? Did you hear me?" Will asked.

"Yeah, I did. You said--" He pinched the bridge of his nose. "You said she tried, so she's alive?"

"She's alive," Will confirmed. "She's in a hospital in St. Louis."

"Missouri? Why is she there? What happened, Will?"

And so, Will quickly gave Jay the cliff notes of what he got from Hailey. "I'm gonna call the hospital after and see if I can get a prognosis before my flight."

"I, yeah, okay," Jay said. What was he supposed to do when he was thousands of miles away? "I'll try to get on a flight or something. I don't know. I don't know, Will."

"She's alive, Jay, that's all that matters now. Just...get your ass here. She needs you. Hell, she needs both of us. If I hadn't decided to take that job--"

"Don't," Jay cut him off. "Don't do that. If it's on you, it's on me."

Will took a deep breath. "I don't even know what to say that."

Jay shook his head. "Me neither. But, I gotta go. Gotta figure this out. Text me when you get the hospital info. If I'm on a flight, I might not get it, but I'll get it when I land."

Will wasn't the only good one at compartmentalizing.

Treat it like any other case, Jay told himself. Just a standard murder-suicide.

Except that there wasn't a murder. And the suicide--well, the attempted suicide--was his little sister.

After their goodbyes, Will ended the call, and Jay turned to Major Baxter.

"Major, my sister, she--"

He held a hand up, effectively cutting Jay off. "Your flight leaves in two hours. Your brother gave me the rundown when I answered. Go get packed."

"Thank you, Major."

***

Hailey ran into the hospital like a bat out of hell, badge in hand, just in case she needed it, and both her police and her personal IDs gripped between her fingers.

"Y/N Halstead," she said frantically as she pushed past everyone in triage. "I'm Detective Hailey Upton, her secondary emergency contact." She laid her badge, police ID, and personal ID on the counter in front of the nurse. "Her brothers are on their way and they--"

"Ms. Upton, take a deep breath. We'll--"

"Take a deep breath? My sister-in-law just tried to kill--"

"Ms. Upton," the nurse said so sternly that Hailey clamped her mouth shut. "I know you're worried, and for obvious reasons. We just need to chart that you are here and take a closer look at your identification, and you will be allowed to see her."

"She's awake?"

"Last I heard, she was just coming out of the sedation. We'll talk more in private once I call you back. It shouldn'tt be any longer than five minutes."

Hailey nodded. "Thank you. I'm sorry I lashed--"

The nurse held up a hand. "No need to be sorry. Your anger is understandable." Then, she lowered her voice. "Those who come and scream at me at 3 am for toe pain, well, they're the ones who should be apologizing, not you, my dear."

Hailey attempted to smile, but instead settled for a nod. She grabbed her badge and police ID, leaving her personal one with the nurse, and then went and sat down, not without getting cussed out by someone for cutting in line. But, to that, she just rolled her eyes. She had bigger problems at the moment.

She opened her phone and sent a text to both Jay and Will, telling them that she was in the hospital and that you were awake and she was waiting to see you. Will answered almost immediately, saying to call him the minute she sees you. He followed up by saying that he'd land in two hours and if Hailey was able to put a doctor on the phone to explain things, that would be great. If not, he'd just talk to them when he got to the hospital. Finally, he sent yet another text saying that he paid for wifi on the flight, which is how he could text.

There was nothing from Jay, but he told her that Major Baxter had gotten him a flight, so she assumed he was in the air but just couldn't pay for wifi.

"Ms. Upton?" Hailey stood up. "You can come with me."

***

The steady beeping was almost lulling you back to sleep. That and the quiet mechanical sound of the dialysis machine that you knew from asking Will a billion questions at work was used to filter things out of the kidneys, like when people drank too much or, in your case, overdosed. A doctor had come in an hour ago to explain what happened: you called 911, paramedics got you here alive but unconscious, and then they pumped your stomach. After that, they hooked you up to dialysis just to be safe. You knew Will would want more information, but all you knew was that you were alive and why you had needles in your arm. And that's all you wanted to know at this moment. You didn't want to think about whether Jay, Will, or Hailey knew yet because you wanted them to live in their blissful peace for as long as possible.

You cracked one eye open and turned just enough to get a view of the door when you heard it open.

"Y/N," you heard the nurse say. "You have a visitor."

"Hey," Hailey said gently and made her way over to the bed and crouched down. "I'm so glad you're okay."

She grabbed your hand, and you willed yourself to keep the tears at bay. But, instead of agreeing with her, you said, "Please don't blame yourself."

Her shoulders dropped, and she felt her heart shatter into a million pieces. "Oh, sweetheart..." She trailed off. You were in so much pain and going through so much internal turmoil, but the first thing you said was concerning her feelings.

You felt compassion and love for everyone else but yourself.

"I mean it, don't blame yourself for it, Hailey. It was..." You swallowed. "It was my decision. I--"

Hailey put up a hand. "No more blame game, okay? We don't have to talk about what happened if you don't want to. You just tell me what you need right now."

What you need right now? What did you need exactly? There was a laundry list of things, and then nothing all at the same time.

You wanted to know how long you'd be here. What would happen next? Did Jay and Will know? Can Jay come home? Does he even care? Is Will mad at you for messing up his apartment hunt? Will you ever feel normal again? Why did you do this?

Hailey watched as your eye movement started to speed up slightly, and the beeps of the heart rate monitor sped up a beat.

She squeezed your hand. "Y/N, I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere."

Jay's voice echoed in her head from that first night they told each other they loved the other.

I'm going anywhere, Hailey. Really. I'm not.

Her brain fought back.

Yeah, well, you did, she snapped back at her memories.

"I'm not," she reiterated, forcing her focus back on you.

"A hug," you finally answered quietly. "Can I..."

Before Hailey even registered what she was doing, she was pulling you in for a hug, trying her best not to avoid all of the tubes attached to you.

"I'm sorry," you muttered through broken sobs.

"You have nothing to be sorry for. Let it out, Y/N. I'm--" Her voice broke. "I'm here."

***

Jay's phone buzzed the minute he got service when he landed in St. Louis, Missouri.

The first one was from Hailey.

Talked to Y/N. She was awake when I got here. She's sleeping now. Ugh. Then, there was an emoji of a broken heart. That message was from two hours ago.

Will's was more recent, from about 45 minutes ago.

She's still sleeping. Couldn't talk to the doc yet because, since she's conscious and alert, Y/N has to consent to give us her medical info now. Call me when you land. Hospital's close to the airport.

He responded to Will first.

Will call when I get off the plane. Just landed.

Will responded by liking the message.

Then, Jay stared at his wife's message.

What did he even say to that?

He finally settled on: Thanks, see you soon with a heart emoji at the end.

Because what did you say when your little sister was in the hospital, and the first person there to see her was her sister-in-law, not even her blood relatives?

***

Will and Jay got out of the rental car that Will and Natalie had rented when they got off their flight. Natalie had stayed back with Hailey while Will picked up Jay so that the brothers had a chance to talk. However, there hadn't been much talking as you were still sleeping, so Will couldn't get all of the details he wanted yet. He could infer a lot based off of what he saw in your room in terms of machines and fluids, but he knew Jay wouldn't take kindly to him guessing—even if they were very educated guesses— so he didn't say anything.

The two made their way into the hospital, and Jay showed his ID and was then allowed to go in.

However, when the brothers walked in, it was only Hailey in the room in terms of visitors.

"Nat went to get coffee," Hailey volunteered when she saw their curious looks.

Jay looked at his wife, really looked at her. Her eyes were red-rimmed, and the area around her nose was raw, probably from blowing her nose too much.

"Hails," he whispered as he sat down.

He reached for her hand, but she pulled it away and swallowed. Then, she looked down at the floor.

"The first thing she said to me was to not blame myself," she whispered.

"She's right," Jay said quietly. "When you gave me the ultimatum of going to therapy or finding a new partner, the first thing they told me was that I am not responsible for others' actions."

The two sat in silence. What was Jay supposed to say to his wife, who bore the brunt of this, and to his brother, who was trying to analyze things with his doctor brain when he hadn't even been here in a year?

"So, we don't know why she did it? At all?" Jay finally asked.

"All we have are the texts she sent us before," Will answered.

"She didn't say anything when she was awake earlier," Hailey added.

Jay sighed and put his head in his hands. "I can count on one hand—no one finger—the times I didn't know the reason behind her injuries within five minutes of being here."

"Jay, suicide is...complicated," Will said.

"Don't you think I know that? Fuck, I'd take her pneumonia over this."

This got Hailey's attention. This was the first time she'd heard of you ever having pneumonia.

"Pneumonia?" she asked.

"Yeah, when she first moved in with me, a few weeks after I got full guardianship, she had it. I thought it was just bad allergies, though. God, it was horrible."

Will shook his head. "That poor kid. You were about ready to kill Dad after that."

Jay chuckled slightly. "You're damn right I was."

It just hit midnight, and Jay looked in his medicine cabinet for the third time in three hours while he listened to you toss, turn, and cough.

He felt like he had the entire cough and cold section of the pharmacy in his medicine cabinet. He'd tried everything: DayQuil, NyQuil, Mucinex, Flonase, sore throat spray that he had no idea what it was called, cough drops...but you still woke up coughing and with tired eyes.

You huffed and sat up in bed and then reached over to drink some water from your water bottle. You took a sip and then realized that it was basically empty due to all the water you sucked down because of coughing, so you quietly got up and made your way out of your room.

Jay was returning to his room to give Will a call when he saw you coming out.

"Sorry," he said quietly. "Did I wake you?"

You shook your head. "Need more water."

"You hungry?" Jay asked. "I can make you a late-night snack. You barely even touched your dinner?"

You shook your head once more. "I'm okay. Just--" Cough. "Feeling really crappy."

"Any luck falling asleep?" he asked once the two of you were in the kitchen and you were in the process of refilling your water bottle.

You shook your head for the third time in two minutes. "I tried. But it's not coming. Even with the NyQuil, I still--" Cough. "Wake up coughing."

Jay grimaced. "I'm sorry, kiddo. Maybe some tea and honey will help?"

"We already tried that," you pointed out.

"Well, we're trying again," he announced and reached into the cabinet and pulled out a variety box of fruit-flavored herbal teas and then pushed it in your direction. "Pick your poison."

You selected a raspberry tea sachet while Jay busied himself with filling a pot with water and then putting it on the stove.

"You know, you could warm up the water in the microwave, right?"

"Maybe I want some tea, too." You raised an eyebrow. He hardly ever drank tea. "What? Gotta get the antioxidants in me so that I don't catch whatever you have."

"You can't catch seasonal allergies, Jay," you quipped.

"Well aware, but just in case."

You sat at the table and laid your head in your hands. You were so tired but knew that, if by some miracle you did fall asleep, you'd just wake up an hour earlier due to coughing. And, to make matters worse, you had to be up for school in less than 6 hours!

I'm so--" Cough. "Tired." Cough. Cough. Cough.

"Let it out, kid," Jay said as he turned from the stove and made his way to the table.

"I'm trying," you groaned.

"Well, if it's any consolation, you are not going to school tomorrow."

You furrowed your eyebrows. "Thought I was out of sick days because of the court days."

"Those are different. And, they're excused. If they say something, I'll have Will write you a doctor's note."

"I thought--" Cough. "--thought he couldn't do that for family."

"Fine, I'll have Nat write you a doctor's note."

Jay walked back and put the honey in the bottom of the mugs, followed by EmergenC, added hot water to let the honey and the tablet dissolve, and finally put a tea bag in each one. Then, he made his way back to the table and handed you your mug.

"You know," he began, "you might be more comfortable on the couch, with the Hawks and Kings game on in the background."

You moved your head from its resting place on the table and cocked an eyebrow at him. "But it's way past my bedtime."

"And? We've already established you're not going to school tomorrow. Couch is more comfortable than the table anyway."

You shrugged and made your way to the couch. While he got the game set up, you stirred your tea and then took a sip because you deemed it had been steeping for long enough. You grimaced when you tasted the fake orange flavor.

After taking a deep breath, you said, "Did you put EmergenC in this?"

"Yeah, helps your immune system."

"Don't think it helps when I'm already sick."

Jay shook his head. "Humor me."

You huffed, but it turned into a cough. A wheezy cough that felt like it had to break through all of the phlegm in your throat. That was new.

"Gonna let me stay up late all the time or--"

"Not a chance," Jay laughed. "Now, drink your tea and try to get some sleep."

***

After fitful sleep, both on the couch due to falling asleep during the game and later, when you finally made your way to your room around 4 am, you finally managed to get some solid hours of sleep. That was, until you woke up with a jolt.

Your breath came in short pants, so you shakily took a few deep breaths to get it back to normal...okay, it took more than a few, but eventually, your breathing was back to normal. But now, it felt like someone was pushing on your chest. That was new. It wasn't hurting per se, just uncomfortable.

And what was the way to get rid of an uncomfortable feeling? That's right, to fall back asleep. So, that's just what you did.

***

Jay walked into your room around 10 a.m., shocked but relieved that you were finally getting some much-needed sleep. However, his relief only lasted so long because, as he got closer, he noticed that every exhale had a slight high-pitched noise to it, almost like you were a smoker who smoked two packs a day. When he looked at your face, he noticed that your brow was slick with sweat but that your teeth were chattering.

Gently, he touched the back of his hand to your forehead. Just as he suspected: warm to the touch.

You woke with a start when someone shook your shoulder.

"Y/N, wake up, kid. I think you have a fever. We gotta get some fluids in you."

That's when you felt it. It wasn't just uncomfortable anymore, but rather like an elephant was sitting on your chest.

Jay noticed your wild eyes, of course.

"Hurts," you sputtered.

Then, you started coughing again, not even having the energy to sit up or cover your mouth.

"What hurts?" Jay asked, beginning to become frantic.

"Chest," you wheezed out, and then pulled your hands out from under your blankets and grabbed at your chest.

That's when Jay saw them-- your fingers. The tips were turning a pale bluish color.

"Don't move," Jay urged.

"Wha--"

"We're going to Med."

***

Three hours later, after pacing so much that Jay met most people's step goal for the day, both he and you had the answer: pneumonia.

"How does this happen, Will?" Jay hissed to his older brother, who was sitting next to him. Thanks to the pain meds, antipyretics, and oxygen you were currently receiving, you were, for the first time in almost a week, sleeping peacefully.

"Could have been she caught a virus at school, and with her allergies, it exacerbated this and caused the pneumonia. Could be fungi or bacteria, such as mold, but it's probably the first one."

Jay furrowed his eyebrows, his brain working overtime as he attempted to put the pieces together. "Can it be dormant?"

"Not common, actually, it's rare for pneumonia to be dormant before someone shows symptoms," Will answered.

"But, it's possible?"

"Possible, yes. Likely, no." Will sighed. "What are you thinking, Jay?"

"You don't think it was at Dad's, do you?"

Will sucked in a breath. "It's possible." Jay quickly stood up and shoved his wallet in his pocket, and headed toward the door. "Jay," Will hissed. "No. Let's talk to Y/N first before you go all bad cop on Dad."

"I can go bad cop first, and then we can talk to her."

"So, what? You're just going to barge into Dad's house and accuse him of having mold without any proof?"

"Damn right I am."

"Jay, we'll know the cause of infection when the tests come back. For now, sit down."

"And then I can go all bad cop on him if the tests say it's due to mold?"

"That and if Y/N confirms there was mold in the house. And, if I go with you."

Jay groaned. He knew if Will came with him to their Dad's, he'd break everything up.

"There was," a small voice said, barely audible over the sound of the machines beeping.

Will and Jay turned towards you, and Will stood up and made his way over to your hospital bed. "Hey, you. How are you feeling?"

"Can breathe better now," you answered, your voice still scratchy from all of the coughing you'd done over the past few days.

"Glad to hear it," Will said. "Anything else hurt or feel funny?"

"My lungs still kinda burn, but that's it. And I'm cold."

Jay went to hand you another blanket, but Will quickly stopped him.

"Fever's still too high."

You knew what that meant: you couldn't have another blanket.

At this small, trivial thing, you began to cry.

Will quickly crouched down next to your hospital bed, similar to what he did with his pediatric patients.

"Hey, it's ok. You still have a fever, which is why you feel cold. But if you put another blanket on, your fever might not drop, and then you'll be in the hospital longer."

You rubbed your eyes with the heels of your hands.

"I know that, Will. I just..."

You trailed off. You felt bad for not telling them about the mold in your room, but you didn't think it mattered because you weren't there now and hadn't been for months.

You huffed. "I'm just cold!"

"I think the lack of sleep is taking a toll on you," Jay muttered before leaning forward in his chair and speaking louder. "Is there anything you wanna tell us? Maybe about the uh, the conditions at Dad's house?"

"Jay," Will warned with a glare.

"I already said there was mold!"

"When?" Jay asked.

"Two seconds ago!"

Will grimaced. "We could barely hear you because you talked so quietly. We're sorry we didn't hear you."

You sighed and threw your head back on the pillows of the hospital bed. "I'm cold, my lungs feel like ice, and I just- I just wanna go home!" Tears began to freely fall down your cheeks.

Will grabbed your hand. "Y/N, hey, look at me, kid." With teary eyes, you turned and looked at your oldest brother. "You're not gonna be here forever--"

"Even if it feels like it," Jay butted in.

"Not helping Jay," Will hissed. Then, he turned back to you. "Contrary to popular belief, you won't be here forever. You have pneumonia and a fever, so they're gonna keep you for 24, maybe 48 hours, so that your oxygen levels return to normal and your fever goes down. That's it. You don't have to be scared."

"Dad on the other hand--"

"Jay, I swear to God..."

Jay put his hands up in mock surrender.

"What he was saying is that he's going to go and have a civil conversation with Dad so that we can get someone over to his house to fix the mold problem so that he doesn't get pneumonia, too. Isn't that right?"

"Yes, and I'm going to do it without Will present."

"But, you're gonna stay here, right? You're not gonna talk to Dad right now?" you asked.

"I mean..."

"I think it's a good idea if you sleep on it," Will said. "Stay here for awhile."

"And of course, Will had to come with me to make sure me and Dad didn't start World War 3, so Erin stayed with Y/N for a couple of hours," Jay finished. "But I'd take that any day over—"

Jay was cut off by a knock on the door.

"Sorry to interrupt," a nurse said. "I just need to take a look at Miss Halstead's vitals."

Unfortunately for you, you were not asleep when Jay and Will were telling Hailey the story of your pneumonia, so you pushed yourself up on your elbows.

The nurse smiled at you. "Hi, hun. I'm just going to take your vitals real quick, okay?"

You nodded, and she wrapped the blood pressure cuff around your arm once you stuck it out for her.

After about two minutes, she was finished.

Will knew it was now or never.

"Y/N, can I look at your files? Maybe talk to the doctor?"

You nodded.

"Miss, I need verbal consent for whoever you allow to look at your file," the nurse said.

"Yes, Will and Jay Halstead and Hailey Upton-Halstead can look at my file. No one else." Jay looked at you with shock written on his face. "I knew Will would tell you anyway."

Then you rolled over and began ignoring everyone, even after the nurse asked if you were hungry.

***

Will had administered CPR on his dad, had his mom die from cancer, and seen his brother in the hospital from injuries in the line of duty multiple times. But nothing prepared him to read the words in your file: No heartbeat. Administered CPR for 3 mins. Alive on scene. Patient crashed in ambo. Patient said she didn't want to know anything about what happened. Passed off care to doctors at City Hospital.

***

"Timeline still the same on when she can go home?"

Why was Will in your dream, and why was he asking if you could go home? Weren't you home already?

But then, you slowly opened your eyes and saw the emergency lights above the door, and it all came flooding back to you. You decided to tune out the doctor and Will talking about you and just focused on keeping your breathing even until you heard the doctor's footsteps get quieter and quieter.

How did you get here? The room looked different. It was bigger. There was a couch where Hailey and Jay were sleeping, surprisingly not curled up in each other's arms, but facing away from each other.

"Will," you whispered.

He turned. "Hey, you. Did I wake you up? Sorry."

"No," you lied. "But why am I in a different room?"

"Recovery room. They trust you enough to be out of the ED."

They. Not we. They.

"What about you? Do you trust me?"

"Well, you're in a hospital, so there's not much you could do."

Your eyes widened. "So you don't trust me?"

"Y/N, you just attempted suicide. Your--"

"Whatever." You cut him off and rolled over. "I just want to get out of here."

"No can do. It's an involuntary hold, so it doesn't matter whether or not you want to leave. You're here for another...hmm...36ish hours."

***

12 hours later

You had done everything you needed to do. You met with a psychiatrist. You made a stupid safety plan (you knew they weren't stupid and were actually really helpful, but would never admit that to anyone because you just wanted to leave). And now you were just sitting in the hospital bed coloring a picture because the hospital social worker told you to "try some other coping skills" besides listening to music and throwing yourself into work or school.

Hailey was even partaking with you while Will and Jay went to get something to eat after Will had taken Natalie back to the airport, and your brothers were, you assumed, talking about what to do with you.

A few minutes later, your peaceful coloring with Hailey abruptly came to a stop when your brothers came back into the room. Jay was holding a to-go bag of food, which you assumed was for Hailey, which he quickly set down on the small desk in the corner of the room.

"Coloring? Really? Shouldn't she be in therapy or something?"

She. Not you. Like you weren't even a part of this conversation.

"Jay," Will began calmly, " she doesn't get significant therapy in here. She met with the psychiatrist, and they may have started her on medication, she'll make a safety plan, and then she'll be monitored the rest of the time until they say she can go home."

"And how long do her meds take to kick in? How do we know they'll work?"

"I'm right here, you know!" you said loudly and then pushed the coloring materials away.

"We know, but you won't even talk to us!"

"Jay," Will warned.

He took a deep breath and sighed, finally deciding to ask what he wanted to ask since you woke up. He told Mom he'd protect you after all, and he couldn't do that. But maybe, just maybe, it wasn't as bad as his thoughts made him believe.

"Did it hurt?"

You looked down as tears pricked your eyes. You felt Hailey grab your hand.

"Like my body was on fire and being ripped apart from the inside, but numb at the same time."

Will watched all of the fight and compusure deflate out of Jay's body as his brother's shoulders dropped, his tone softer now.

"Y/N, why didn't you tell us you were feeling like this?"

You felt the blood in your veins turn to ice. Why didn't you tell him? Maybe because he was gone and you couldn't get ahold of him! The beeping of your heart rate monitor became faster.

"Y/N, you need to calm--"

"Because you fucking left, Jay!" you yelled.

Faster.

"You gonna talk about it or just avoid this? You know we can't avoid this!"

Faster.

"I don't want to talk to you!"

A psych nurse rushed in and all but shoved Jay out of the room.

"Sweetheart, you need to calm down," she said soothingly. "Gotta slow that heart rate down for me, okay?"

You locked eyes with her and pretended she was April or Maggie -- people back home who you knew would do great at this job.

And in a few minutes, your breathing returned to normal. When you looked around the room, you were met with a sympathetic look from Hailey, but Will looked like he just got a call from school telling him that you just got sent to the principal's office.

"He's right, you're gonna have to talk about this eventually."

"Eventually," the nurse cut in. "But not right now. Right now, what she needs is a coping skill, a snack, and support. Oh, and will one of you talk to the other who was in here, or do I need to? Because if I do, I will not be as nice." Then, she turned her attention back to you. "Now, for your snack, chips or chocolate?"

You looked up at her with tears in your eyes. Someone was finally fighting for you. "Chocolate, please."

"Chocolate," she repeated. "Good choice. We have some with caramel inside if you want those."

"That would be, uh, that would be perfect, thank you."

She smiled. "I'll be right back."

You looked up at Will, who was stone-faced, once the nurse left the room. "I know what you're thinking."

"Which is?" Will asked.

"That I should talk to you guys." Will opened his mouth to speak, but you quickly finished his thought. "Jay doesn't deserve to know. He lost the chance when he left."

Will sighed and took a seat at the end of your hospital bed. "I see. Did I lose that chance, too?"

You shrugged. "Dunno."

Will furrowed his eyebrows. "Don't know if you'll tell me or don't know why you did it?"

"Why I did it. Guess it was just the straw that broke the camel's back, you leaving."

Will, trained to pick up on little details just like his brother, caught what you were implying. "You've had these thoughts before?"

You shrugged again. "I don't know. Never serious until this."

***

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