Stuff my dad forwards

[stuffmydadforwards]

Fw: Fwd: Grace and the Frog!!!!!!!!!!........................{;-)>

An older lady named Grace was somewhat lonely since her cat died and she decided she needed another pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered, 'I'M SO LONELY, TOO . BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME.. YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'   Grace figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her. As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her 'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY..'!

So, Grace figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog. IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince

THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED Grace'S KISS. SUDDENLY Grace FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW CAN YOU GUESS WHAT Grace TURNED INTO?

COME ON GUESS! * * * * * SHE TURNED INTO the first Holiday Inn SHE COULD FIND!!!

[stuffmydadforwards]

Fw: Seniors Still Need Print Media

I was visiting my son last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.   "This is the 21st century," he said. "I don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad."   I can tell you this -- that darn fly never knew what hit him.

[stuffmydadforwards]

Fw: Longest nerve in the body

Longest  Nerve In The  Body

  Did you  know that in the human body  there is a nerve  that connects the eyeball to the  anus?

  It's  called the Optirectal Nerve,  and it is responsible for giving people a  shitty  outlook on life.

  If you don't believe it,  pull a hair  from your ass and see if it doesn't  bring a tear to your eyes. HAVE A NICE DAY

  My  public  service is done for the day!

   Keep  laughing...life is too short to take  life  seriously...

[stuffmydadforwards]

Fw: Fwd: FW: Coffee and Testicles

Coffee and Testicles

  A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in  Iraq   for one tour." The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."   Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?" "This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

[stuffmydadforwards]

Fw: Lipstick in Catholic School

Lipstick in Catholic School According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Paschal asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers..... And then there are educators!!!

[stuffmydadforwards]

Subject: FW: GOLFER AT THE DENTIST....very sporty of him!

Subj: GOLFER AT THE DENTIST....very sporty of him! GOLFER AT THE DENTIST This one may bring a little mist to your eyes... only a golfer would understand.............. A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'   The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?" The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him........"

[stuffmydadforwards]

Subject: FW: Dangerous foods

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Madison WI. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode the lining of your stomach. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fats can be disastrous, and none of us realize the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have or will at some point eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of silence, a 75 year old man in the front row raised his hand and softly said "Wedding cake?"

[stuffmydadforwards]

Fw: A blonde, ice fishing........................

Ice Fishing eh.................. 
 THE BLONDE AND THE LORD A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

 "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"



Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.

Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,

 "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"



The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.



The voice came once more, 

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"



She stopped, looked skyward! and said,

"IS THAT YOU LORD?"



The voice replied,

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!"

[stuffmydadforwards]

Fw: HEALTH MESSAGE (please, give me a break)

HEALTH MESSAGE (please, give me a break) As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's ass.

It's the tortoise life for me!

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise??

I don't think so I'm retired... Go around me.

[stuffmydadforwards]

Fw: Holiday Songs for those half a bubble off plumb

10 CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED:

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and... Trees and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town …. to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy... oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

[stuffmydadforwards]

Fw: How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

 How to Tell the Sex of a Fly JUST TOO CUTE.  

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.   Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

[stuffmydadforwards]

Fw: Fwd: state trooper

Parked on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, 'This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!' So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back.....wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, 'Officer, I  don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?' The trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. 'But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask.... is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken.' 'Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Highway 127.'

[stuffmydadforwards]

Fw: Fwd: Fw: Fwd: Deductive Reasoning (Priests & Nuns) - 2 nuns

There were two nuns.. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) . It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. SM: It's not working. SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too. SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives. SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then? SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. SM: And? SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me. SM : Oh, dear! What did you do? SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. SM: Oh, no! What happened then? SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down. And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, Say two Hail Marys!

[stuffmydadforwards]

Fw: Fwd: Fw: To find inner peace............

Age is an issue of mind over matter, if you don't mind, it doesn't matter.  Mark Twain

  I'm passing this on because it worked for me today.

  A Dr. on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start, & we all could use more calm in our lives.

  I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished. So I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss.

An telum u luvum. :)

    Hoopy Halidies!

[stuffmydadforwards]

Fw: A Computer Programmer's Wife Asks Him to Go To The Store

A wife asks her husband, a software programmer; "Could you please go to the store for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!"

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

Think about it.

[stuffmydadforwards]

Fw: Remember at Christmas Time

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME …  

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.    Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.  

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

 We should've known…...   ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

[stuffmydadforwards]

Fw: Wine, Champagne, Whisky?

On the last day of school before the Christmas break, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a beautiful basket of assorted fruit. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a huge, pretty box of asst. candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?" "No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!" Merry Christmas Cheer to You!