Diary of a stuttering pre-adolecent dirtbag

SUP DAWG IM STUTTER AND I'M OPEN TO YOUR OPINION

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The situation is worse than i think

Hey stutter blog. I know it's been a while.  Today is saturday, november 29th aka the day i should stop myself from becoming extensively corrupt. drinking is probably no big deal to a lot of people including myself when i took all those sips. That moment the boy you always found attractive yet has a girlfriend put his arm around you may have seemed flattering until you realize that girlfriend was the nicest girl you knew. Your parents' trust in you maybe have seemed like something that will forever remain the same until you come home at 12 pm with no excuse. Not only have I lost myself, I don't even know who i am anymore. Notice how I say i "should" stop myself. I would if i could. I'm no addict. I'm in no way an alcoholic. I just want to know who I really am as cheesy as that may sound. And I want to be able to set my own boundaries. And my own rules. And my own restrictions. And know what to prioritize. 

It was a good night. But some good nights are followed by the most shitty mornings

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SO MUCH EXCITEMENT

I'm excited for everything that will come this year!!!!!! I really hope i can make every minute worthwhile!! OmG!!! 

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People change and life stops for no one

I feel.. sad? and I can't really pinpoint what exactly is making me feel this way. It could be the fact that my closest friends are leaving to start new lives. It could be the fact that this huge change in my life only happened six months ago and it still hasn't hit me yet (birth still hasn't hit me yet) and that leads me to be terrified of what is coming next because I'm not ready for anything. I also feel sad because I really really feel like I'm losing myself. Everything that made me what I was in the past is disappearing. Basically all these changes happening at once is fricking terrifying. I'm not even gonna try to be deep and subliminally inspiring (not that i ever was) or thought provoking. I'm just gonna be straight up and type out whatever comes to mind. My emotions are always so fucking confusing i can't even describe what they are or what is causing them to be what they are and I dont know. I SHOULD be happy right now. I am actually living the life of the person I always envied (this person is imaginary). I should be praising the lord everyday for how blessed I am because literally everything is going my way. But maybe that's what is scary. Everything is going so my way that nothing has actually hit me and so idk what to feel or what to expect next ?????? I DON'T KNOW? I SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY DO NOT KNOW OMG. OMG EVERYONE READING THIS POST PROBABLY WANTS TO SLAP ME BECAUSE I AM A STUPID TEENAGER. WHY CAN'T THIS STUPID TEENAGER JUST ENJOY THE FACT THAT SHE GETS SO MANY THINGS HER WAY AND STOP OVERTHINKING AND DROWNING HERSELF IN UNNECESSARY WORRIES AND PRIORITIZE WHAT IS IMPORTANT LIKE THE AP WORLD HW THAT IS DUE IN 3 DAYS.

EVERYTHING IS JUST CHANGING AND I'M JUST A LOSER THAT CAN'T HANDLE IT ALL IM ALSO TOTALLY RAMBLING AND MY POINT IS NOT GETTING ACROSS ANYWHERE SOMEONE HELP??? 

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Selfie Syndrome - A slam poem

The buzzing of your phone

ringing in your head

Numbing the feeling of being alone

By surrounding yourself with people who

Pretend to be your friend

and you  accidentally

create an alternate universe 

A dream world where

You think you are superior 

for a short amount of time

until one day your dream world will come

collapsing down on itself

And you will realize

 you were all alone 

for all this time

Endlessly scrolling

Gotta stay connected 

Why are they having fun 

What is FOMO

Why is she so happy when I am 

Just waiting for more 

Not understanding why I am doing this to myself

It's a long and tiring process and 

i feel terriblly sad

But you gotta stay connected you

 HAVE TO STAY CONNECTED....

....

if staying connected is so important 

Then why do i feel so disconnected

From my family

From those i realize now were my real friends

i chose my fake friends over them and now

I feel empty

and alone

I have to stop

I realized this

I need to do what I really love 

And stay connected to the real world

Realizing that I have been so stupid 

Manifesting so much time in a virtual world

Because that world was so important? not anymore

I am back and I am here and I know so much more now

That standards for self worth are nonexistent 

And definitley not defined online

And we all have a passion for something whether or not you know what that is yet 

because this is what makes us beautiful

So I decided to do what I love

And now I know that sometimes being disconnected will help you stay connected

To yourself 

And one more thing 

i can't stress enough

The number of likes/views/favorites/notes you get do NOT define your "worth"

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Sorry dad

My dad and I got into a huge fight today. I feel terrible. I know my dad won't see this post but I really need to publically announce how much I wish he knew I want to appreciate everything he does for us every day. I said I want to because I realized I obviously didn't when I said the terrible things I said to him. Things a daughter shouldn't say to her father. I want to cry looking back and realizing what the words that came out of my mouth meant to him. I really wanted to apologize but i couldn't. And that is the most messed up part in the entire situation. It was easy for me to say the horrible things I said but impossible to apologize? I am so so so so so so so so sorry you can not see me apologize, dad

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Getting my head out of my butt

SOmething I realized I tend to do a lot is to FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF. which is ironic considering the countless number of times I pronounced how much I hate people who strive for others to pity them because they pity themselves. I originally began this blog with a purpose of belting out my true inner emotions, but as I began to realize how negative each and every single one of my posts were deteriorating, I thought maybe I can change my inner emotions if I actually try being positive for a change. 

The low point of this blog is probably that sub-post I made a few weeks back. From here on out things will be as positive as oranges wearing sunglasses & afros (bc that is the most positive thing i can think of at the moment and i'm not sorry at all)

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Losing yourself

I haven't posted anything for over two weeks: 1. Because I got my computer repaired.

2. I was feeling like everything I tried to put myself to do because I think it is good for my own will (including the expressing-of-self via this blog) is starting to become more of a chore than something I would do in my free time. And I know there is no audience for me to apologize to but, I am sorry for everything, everyone. 

Regardless of #2, there has been something on my mind that I don't know what I would do if I did not get out and that is the fact that I feel like I am losing myself. 

I have never really been sure of what kind of person I am. In all honesty, I feel like I am a completely and utterly different person depending on who I am with. I feel like the change of my person is so drastic that I can't even manage to define my true personality, if that makes sense? I mean, I can't be the only one being unsure of what to do when one tells you to "be yourself." What does "yourself" mean. I mean, I'm like 7 billion different people. 

Despite the fact that I am totally unsure of what my true personality happens to be, the huge (well, at least to me) changes going on in my life really do make me feel like I am losing touch to my old self, my old passions, my old priorities, my old ideas of "friendship" and most importantly, my old ideas of "happiness". Realizing how much has changed from just last year sometimes makes me feel eccentric, exhilarating with excitement , but at the same time a surge of extreme sadness welling from my chest. Even when you try to numb this sadness by surrounding yourself with old friends, you realize that they are also humans that change too and nothing is ever the same. That particular emotion you felt that one time 2 years ago is something you will never experience again no matter how accurately you try to reenact it. 

I feel like I am finally slowly beginning to make out that personality I once had in the past and then I completely lost myself. 

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I also tried making a playlist. As cliché as this may sound, music actually really helps one escape their inner struggles and actually appreciate what is the now, whether they may be on a train, in bed, on a walk, you only appreciate what is there right in front of you rather than in your life in general, and I think that is very beautiful.

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Jaded #2

I actually realized I am completely disabled from experiencing thrill or any kind of excitement right now and I can't seem to pinpoint anything that is causing me to feel no feels and I am so aggravated. I am actually forcing myself to find something to be passionate about and it's totally depressing. Everyone has something they are passionate about and I can't seem to find that "thing" to spend so much time loving and embracing. What does it feel like to be passionate again? Is sleeping something one can be passionate about? I feel like a very pathetic human being.  

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Jaded

Something I've come to notice I do all the time is declaring to do something, but never coming around to do whatever it is i said I will do. Since I finally have a whole 3 month summer break this year, I promised myself I would attempt to do something meaningful, and on the first day of school in September, I will walk through the school gates as a changed, enlightened woman that has gone through all the thick and thins of life. Today officially marks the halfway point of Summertimes 2k14 and the only thing that has changed about me is my hair. I am literally the same exact Stuttering dirtbag I was on the last day of school, and sometimes I am afraid I will be like this for the rest of my life.  

I don't really know what to say. Sometimes I feel like I'm numb from experiencing feelings because I am surrounded by such wonderful things and people. I really truly do not know. I've tried a lot of new things this summer but all of these new challenges end after 2~3 days because I get tired of everything. What is most annoying is that then I realize I should be doing something "fun" and "meaningful" ,I get that same dutiful feeling as I do when I know I should be studying right now because exams are coming up in a week.

I know there is so much I have to do but I don't know what to do. 

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I just want to be happy and confident like my main boi sheldawg 

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Insecure

My hair has always been extremely curly and frizzy. You're probably wondering what this has anything to do with anything. My hair has always been one of my many insecurities. 2 days ago, I finally got a straight perm and for the first 12 or so hours after getting it, I felt pretty satisfied. A later , I took a shower and washed my hair. After letting my hair dry I discovered that despite its straightness, my hair still looked like shit. I used a separate mirror to look at my hair from the back and the frizz was still there. I felt a little sick. 

I probably don't even need mention how insecure I am. It's obvious. I am insecure about literally every little aspect of my life and I can't seem to ignore them. I would list my insecurities out for you but then that would take forever. I seem to develop new ones everyday. I think partially why I am so conscious about all this is because I care way too much about what other people think of me. I also think it's partially because I am never satisfied with myself. I can not think of one time I was actually pleased with how I looked/acted. This is because I compare myself to other people, constantly. I look at them, I look at me, and I am not pleased. It's what you would expect and incredibly pathetic, I know. And I also know that being displeased and wanting what others have is why I feel sorry for myself and hence can not learn to appreciate things. I also figured out that I constantly lie to myself & others about myself to make me seem like the "ideal" I always talk about. 

I know all about this cycle of deterioration that is a part of my life. I know how it works and how it spins to create a sick feeling in my stomach.

How do I stop it?

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Word of the day

I've decided to start my way down the road of defining my undefined opinions by embracing them, whatever they may be. That is why this word I found in the pile of SAT flash cards I finally decided to take a look at because I was incredibly incredibly bored stood out to me. This is obviously not an excuse for me to verbally attack my peers and associates. I am not about dat lyf. I am going to be polemical by freely expressing strong emotions for what I love and what I believe is morally correct. This is my goal for this year and the rest of my life. I am feeling accomplished already. #toolame 

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Okay, I know how much everyone hates rant-posts where one goes on about shit no one else understands. I am very ashamed of myself for joining the circle of beings who partake in such activities and apologize with great grief. I hope this rare photograph of Mrs. Harvey and her son Mario makes up for my poor actions.

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That's fine

Honestly, if you don't want to be friends anymore, it's totally fine. Sorry I'm being so immature. Normally I'm completely against the whole idea of "sub-posting" to someone. However, since this is my anonymous diary where I am free to blurt my 100% true and sincere emotions, here I go. Brace yourself. 

Have you ever been through a situation in which someone you thought was a true friend/companion/spirit guide/partner in the grand scheme of life in all this obstacles (not in a romantic way)/homeskillet turns out to be a total blumpkin? I feel so deceived. What is this emotion welling up inside of me? and i know its not the food baby I am currently impregnated with.. Seriously though, I thought I could share every detail of my life with you (whether you were interested or not)! Now our conversations don't even last a millisecond. No wait I lied. I kind of knew you were like this. You tend to deceive people by acting like a "true bro"  thereby creating a false illusion making me think i can trust you for anything when I really can't or maybe I can but you just don't care about me in general. At least you're not a backstabbing beeeeeotch like the girls in the movies so thanks for not being a backstabbing beeeeeotch. I just figured out that you don't seem to care about the things that occur in my life at all. You never really did, did you? So yeah! Keep not caring! No one is stopping you. You can also keep pushing me away because I am done with trying to be your friend. I kept convincing myself that you were a true homie but you aint. sorry kid. I am also done with comforting you for your stupid problems (ZAYN WILL NEVER BE YOUR BOYFRIEND OOPS SORRY TO SHATTER THE ILLUSION) when I have my own problems. Peace out girl scout see you in septembré.

yeah I'm not good at this whole "rant" thing but I just wanted to put this out there bYE

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HAPPy BirThday AmerIca!!

I would like to take this moment to wish America a very happy birthday. From the moment you entered this planet out via england's vagina, history has changed forever. Sorry this post is one day late but it's okay, everything about you is one day late. Freedom is pretty gr8. there is nothing about you i hate. Especially not this gif of a great american hero streaking his way to liberty 

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First job

I guess the title is pretty straightforward. Since for the first time in forever, I have an entire summer with absolutely nothing to do, my mother suggested (more like insisted) me to work at a local amusement park pool, helping out with the cleaning and such. Needless to say I have never worked a day in my life (atleast until now) and I guess it is kind of a good break from my on-the-floor-like-a-(dead)-slug-24/7-lifestyle. My first and only day at the job was approximately seven days ago. I worked with this extremely talkative old dude with multicolored teeth (50 shades of yellow) and this college senior guy. So I guess you can imagine how awkward it was for me as a soon-to-be sophomore stuck with two old dudes in a crappy looking shack for 6 hours. Not to mention it was raining pretty hard. But the rain didn't stop some wild (and stupid) families from spending their only free time bringing their even wilder kids to the pool after a lightning warning is called.  So basically all I did was stare at those crazy children (and one old fat dude with a one-piece) splash and dance and hurl around in the chlorine-filled water for 6 hours. And today was day 2 of the job. It was, once again, raining so I got my fabulous purple rain poncho (and a mask to cover my face so people won't see me) and bicycled my way to the park only to find that the pool was closed. So I purchased my daily dose of spicy chicken from the nearby family mart and bicycled my way back and here I am.