Do you want to know who I am?

[subaxoxolovelyme]

I lost myself in fear of losing you

It’s January, and it’s that time again. It’s actually my birth month but I no longer feel the old excitement and happiness when January comes not just because I hate this month but because it is the month where exactly I lost my loved one. Cold morning, lonely night, day, and months have passed but until now I’m still longing for his love and care. I’m still aching to feel his touch and longing to hear his soft voice.  

For me the strongest and bravest girl I ever met in my life is myself. To be honest, the pain is still there, the tears still run down my face, and my heart is still breaking. But I’m actually proud to myself for carrying the pain every day. For waking up with a positive mindset even though it’s very difficult thinking that there is a pain in my heart and nothing can fill it. I have always been stronger but sometimes I felt weak. I remember crying in bed at night as a little kid did and even into my teenage years thinking about my loved ones who died. Although I may have been a bit dramatic, I think this is a reality that we all think about at some point. Losing people is a part of life. A really scary and sad part of life. These experiences have become even more hard to bear as I’ve gotten older while realizing he's not on my side physically.

If you only knew how I feel right now I want to cry. I want to get rid of the pain I feel. Have you ever been crippled or felt so incapable of something? Has anything felt so empowering that you didn’t know what to do or how to throw the situation? Have you ever felt so much pain where it seemed like it restrained your body? Have you ever felt so miserable that you really didn’t know where the source was coming from or even though you know the source and it’s actually pulling you down have you ever felt that? But how is that I’m still here standing and pushing myself to be stronger everyday even though I’m actually hurting inside. I’m still missing him every day, wishing to fill the emptiness I have right now. Pain still exists because I lost him. I always hide my tears every time I screamed his name but the pain never changes. Although you can see me smiling and seem carefree, I want you to know there is no one who misses you more than me. Every time days have passed; I always look up at the sky watching how the clouds move and wishing to see you one more time. This message is for you, my love I know you can feel my tears and you don’t want me to cry and suffer but how am I going to do that while my heart is broken because I can’t understand why someone I love needs to leave me. I wish you to come back even as a shadow or even as a dream.

These experiences can be the most unforgettable I’ve ever experienced in my life. For me, losing him is the hardest thing in the world to deal with. It’s a kind of pain that you physically feel all over your body. It’s suffering of the worst kind. To make things even worse, it seems like no one else can understand my feelings. The Memories, it hurts remembering them when you're still bound by the tears you always shed for it. I got to remember those happy moments I’ve shared with him and at the same time get hurt from it because it was now just a memory. Those memories that once made me smile are now the reason for my heartaches.

To the person who is reading this I did not write it to make you cry. I want you to know how I feel right now. While you are reading this, I want you to know that you’re like on my side sitting next to me and listening to my story. I know you have experienced being left behind, you have also experienced crying and you have also experienced being hurt too much. I know you too, who’s read this experience before I can say that we should be brave. There is no way you can ever fully express the pain of losing someone you have loved so much. There is no way you can make others understand the pain you have endured. I know you have experienced being left behind, you have also experienced crying and you have also experienced being hurt too much. I can say to myself is be strong and make him an inspiration to keep going I have proven to myself that it is difficult at first and it is so painful that even if you continue, the pain will not go away but all I can say is trust yourself that you can do everything and remember that he is always there beside you guiding you. It is probably God's plan so we just have to accept it even if it is difficult but we have to keep up with the flow of life. My love for you is like a virus in the bloodstream which can never be removed by any medical means. I love you my love, my angel.

 #JOURNAL6

[subaxoxolovelyme]

Get up, Speak up, This is for you

Do you consider our world a safe place to live in? Do you consider yourself trustworthy? Have you ever walked on a dark road without thinking what might happen to you? And lastly do you feel that the world is predominantly a safe place or a dangerous place? As you try to open your eyes and mind you will see the different events taking place in our world today especially in our country. You can see people screaming for help, for justice, and seeking for support. You will see there are rapists, gun violence, endless fights of the people, corruption, and until now we don’t have an update on when the virus will end. I was always in my room wondering why this was happening to all of us. The world I knew before was different from the world I lived in today. Why do the people I knew before seem different today? Changes in our world today are rapid. Now we are flooded with bad news, it’s actually hard to avoid worrying for yourself even in your loved ones.

This week has given me time to get up to my world, to find myself, and make an observation to myself. As you open your phone and at the same time your social media accounts you will see shocking events to our world today. You will realize there are too many people spreading rumors and trying to destroy your life. That’s why I always asked myself what happened?  Thinking of our world today makes me wonder about tomorrow, a year, a decade, or a century later. I look back at what we did in the past and what we have accomplished as a race, a human race. It makes me realize how much can happen in a matter of years. What will happen in this next century? How much of the world, as we know it, still is around? Are the people around us safe to lean on? I wonder will the crimes, deaths, and discrimination will lessen or it can make worse. We live in a world full of hate and deceit. Many of us just stand aside and ignore what happens around us. What if, even for just one day, we really stopped to look? How many lives could be saved?

These horrible events in our society today really boosted my mental health. I was suddenly scared and wondered if every time I left our house, I was safe to go out and come home. I wonder how many more can be victimized before everyone stops. Having a safe place will stop you thinking immoral events might happen to you. Because of what is happening in our society today my parents became more strict. I don’t think it’s like being over protected. I'll just understand my parents because that is also for my sake.

I don’t write it not just for myself; I write it for others who are still not aware of what is happening today. For the people who are afraid, don’t have an idea what to do, and for the people who are experiencing it. To be honest, I’m afraid to speak up for myself because I’m very aware of other people’s feelings. I’m so aware to the point that sometimes I don’t even want to speak my mind, to prevent getting their feelings hurt. Speaking up for myself reassures me that I believe in who I am, and what I am. Being able to speak up for myself means I have beliefs I actually stand by, and I’m willing to defend it if anyone tries to wave it off. We have the courage to stand up against it and give ourselves to be free from this horror. Let our God take care of everything. There is power in being able to speak up even when it’s difficult. Be loud about the things that are important to you.

[subaxoxolovelyme]

Tell me how tired you are

I wake up, tired, longing for more sleep, but I cannot afford to hit the snooze button one more time. When you wake up you will see the clutter you used that night. Do you know the feeling that you just woke up but your mind and body are immediately tired? To be honest, I always feel that it’s like I don’t want to wake up. I just want to lie down all night without thinking about activities and requirements. Sometimes I don’t have time for myself, I always just chase the time so I can pass the requirements needed. I can no longer do the things I used to do before. Sometimes I have a negative mindset that I can’t finish something and every now and then I give my best to answer but it seems like there is missing. Even if it’s not school related, I’m literally tired of myself. I know I’m always strong but I’m tired of doing my best but still not being good enough. I’m tired of being hurt every time I get my hopes up. I’m tired of anticipating the worst and watching it play out. I’m tired of being let down and always blaming myself for things. I’m tired of overthinking. I’m tired of staying up at night as thoughts consume me and I can’t sleep. I want to have a positive perspective in life even though it’s really difficult but I tried my best it’s good for me. Solving my problems that I encounter alone makes me feel stronger and determined. I always put in my mind what my dad taught to me that I should be stronger and there is solution in every problem that I can encounter. He speaks that it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to take a break sometimes but after that you should stand again for yourself. My father trained me to be an independent woman even though he is far away from me. My father gives me the best advice I need to remember and take it as my guide in life. To be honest, every time I think that I can’t do things I silently cry and I prayed to God that I can do it, with that I feel relieved. Always remember life isn’t always easy.  You never know what’s going to come next.  But with life, you only have one chance. One chance to make the best out of every single year, month, day, minute and even second of you. No matter what happens, you have to learn to move on, take a breath and be prepared to work and stand for yourself through whatever is going to occur next. You have to learn how to make the best of every day, enjoy the little things and to live life to the fullest extent. In my everyday life, I realized that I couldn’t control some factors in my life. Just let them go through your life and don’t be distract about it. Now, I know what I will do every time I can encounter the same problem. Especially this exam week and peta week I need to know how to balance and divide my time so that I do not have difficulty.  I believe that you have to be completely generous and learn from everything you do. You have to be sure to get through every obstacle and even if you fail, get back up and try again. You need to make the best out of each day, because “Nobody promised life would be easy, they just promised it’d be worth it.”

[subaxoxolovelyme]

If only I could come back

As kids, we were always looking forward to being older. There were many things we wished we could do. We always try to do the things that should be for adults. We often heard to our parents mention, “You can do that when you’re older” or “That’s for adults only”. We were eager to grow up. Maybe a little to eager. We always think that when we grow up, we are able to do the things that we want and we have the mindset that we will be free. Now, that time is now. This is what we have been waiting for. We have grown up. The only wish I could do is to be a little again. Myself for now is full of realizations. I just want to sleep and hoping that tomorrow I can be that child again I used to be before but joking aside it’s very impossible. You can never go back. You just need to face the reality. There’s a reason everyone around us told us to not grow too fast. We did not listen to them and we could not try to understand what they wanted to convey to us.  Our age was as little as the knowledge we had of what it meant to grow up. We wanted to grow up so we could do what adults can do. Why would we not want to grow up? There was so much to look forward to. As a child, we are exposed to the idea of love. We are exposed to freedom and the idea of achieving our dreams. What we were not exposed to was what it took to achieve all that. No one told us of the heartbreak and the rejection. No one told us that not everyone in the world is going to care and love you as much as you love them. Sometimes, efforts will not be returned, and some efforts will go unnoticed. No one told us how harsh the world can be. No one mentioned that with the good, comes the bad. Certainly, they failed to tell us that we will fall and stumble many times along. As we are continue growing up, we have many questions that formed in our mind. We are having difficulty in finding who we are and what defines us. Now, that I have grown up, I have an understanding about reality. Reality is, we live in a world where we have to survive. The feelings of warmth and comfort we experienced as kids does not come around as often. However, it becomes something to cherish when it does come around. As children, we did not realize how small our problems were. We no longer focus on what’s tangible. We focus on how we feel and the way we make others feel. That’s what growing up is. I miss being a kid, we don’t have things that we need to think. You just need to play and enjoy. I really miss that. We all know that we can do nothing and we will no longer change the events in our lives. We just need to accept it. In my realizations, I realized that I did not need to go back to my childhood because that would never really happen. All I had to do was create ways for me to deal with reality. You should not be stock in the things you want to go back instead make a plan and goals on how you can achieve them. That was my experienced but honestly, I want to be a kid again. No pain and no stress. As I said, let’s face the reality. Keeping your dreams alive in the face of reality.  

[subaxoxolovelyme]

I Think It’s Brave

You are tired. I know what it feels like. You are tired but not just physically. Our world is a dynamic place to live in, it demands you a full attention, energy and effort, and eventually you get tired. You become tired of everything. You don’t know what to do. You don’t have an idea about your next step. That’s what my feelings right now. I know in myself that even if I do nothing, I feel very exhausted. Every day I wake up I hope I can be productive but it turns to be not. I know in myself that I’ve tried, I’ve tried too much. I put too much effort in being a better person, not only for yourself, but to be better for the others around you. The world is cruel and never gives anything back so you get tired. You have to play the game, play by the rules, and you never won. Your inspiration to try again is far gone. The truth is, we are all tired. You just need to remember you are not alone. In my early age, I’ve experienced this. I’ve experienced to be nothing. I already experienced a lot of things. I don’t understand everything. It’s like yourself is trapped in a dark place and you see nothing. It’s like you tried to do things but nothing happened. I thought when I was a kid, life was so easy and life was always fun. I used to think I could not feel tired but everything was just imagination and assumptions. You’ve been facing different problems, lack of time, academic problems, and other hard problems that you’ve experienced. I’ve asked myself a hundred times. I’ve asked what happened? Why do we need to experience such things? Life is a constant battle. We get tired of each other, tired of the games we play, tired of the lies we say and lies we heard. The cheerful thoughts you were once promised now seem tired. It feels like impossible to go on trying things. If you feel this close to giving up, I beg you to give it one more try, with your feelings. The thing is, you should never give up. The struggles we’ve been experienced is what keeps us going on. The more we try the greater the achievement will get. Suddenly, I came to the realizations of don’t give up. There is more hope that we are capable of having it. Every person you try to admire had experienced of where they felt hopeless and tired and the best example of that is our parents. But they choose to continue and solving that kind of problems instead of giving up and doing nothing. Some parts of our life happen quietly, they happen slowly in our life. They arise because of the choices we’ve made every day. The choices we make can turn us to be a better version of ourselves. The most important is we need to give enough time for ourselves. We have to allow those alterations happen and watch them evolve. When you feel tired just give yourself a butterfly hug method. When you’re tired, go quietly. Go slowly and timidly but remember do not stop. You have all the reasons to be tired because you are making a change.  Dream big, never give up is the most important thing you can do for yourself. Never lose focus on what you aim for in life, the idea is to never build barriers in your heart and do everything with love. People who fight against the wind always have a chance to gain, because they prefer the risk and gain experiences. God is always there watching you to fulfill the things you wanted. He will never get tired of protecting and watching you. Life is a test, a tough one, sometimes. And you got to get through it. Sometimes you feel lost. Doubts and negativity cloud the mind. Just don’t give up. Better times could just be around the corner, so you must keep fighting for just a little longer.

[subaxoxolovelyme]

Promise to a Stardust

Life had never been easy to everyone. We have different problems that we face every day. We have a lot of things to think. In my early age, I already experienced a lot of things. I already felt how to be hopeless. Seeing stars in the dark sky shining to give light in the night, memories flooded in my mind. The struggles, silent cries, pain and emptiness. There are things you won't expect to happen. There are times you don't know that will end and there are people who were with you to make memories but suddenly became a memory. Have you ever thought that you can find your true love in teenage? What was your definition of love? Do you believe that it will come to you at your early age? I was a kind of girl who focuses in my studies. I am lost in reality. I don't know who I really am. I don't know how to deal with a guy, well, not until he arrived. He was a kind of guy who jokes a lot, smiles every minute and can be the reason of laughter. We became close. We became comfortable with each other. And we found our own circle of friends. It was literally happiness for me. My friends who were with me the whole time. When we were struggling because of academics, we have each other’s arm. And him, Jake, who were with me all the time to cheer me up. After months of courting, I answered him. I clearly remember the smile on his face when he heard my yes. I feel like I'm living my best life while reaching my dreams. I have my family, friends and him, Jake. But life really have a twisted faith. You can't write your own destiny. You can't have your happy ending easily. Just when I thought that my life is already fine, full of shimmering eyes, genuine smiles and loud laughter, I never knew that it will end in just a blink. A sudden news popped on my phone. Many messages from my friends and a message who made me stopped. Jake is already gone. Yes, I lost my love. That is also the time when I also lost myself again. I don't know what is my feelings. I don't know what is missing. I can't just find myself. I don't understand everything. My mind and heart can't accept the struggles. I already don't know who I really am. I forgot that I have family, that I have friends who were with me all the time, that life has a lot of surprises. I was lost in the middle of nowhere. I was in the middle of darkness finding the light and my stardust who were already gone. I always ask myself that why do I always need to experience this such problems? Why do I need to carry a lot of expectations from other people? Why does life is so cruel? Why does reality hurts? Why do we need to lose some of our live ones? But there is only one thing I had realized despite those questions. It's life must go on. Even you were hurt a lot of times. Even you were lost. Even people around you can't accept the real you. Even you don't have a lot of friends. Even you don't know who you are and where you are. Life must go on. Why? God won't give you those circumstances if he knew you can't handle it. Accept your flaws and imperfections because that's what makes you perfect. Accept the real you. Accept that you need to survive life. You need to face those problems to achieve your dreams. You need to be fine. Maybe there are people who were really not meant to be with us forever. There are people who comes to our life to be a lesson. To make us stronger. Always treasure the memories you have with them. And if you feel lost, always remember that you have friends who were always there for you through ups and downs. Because based on experience, real friends were always there even if you push them away. If you can't find yourself, then find your home. Lean to the people who loves you eternally. In this life, you weren't alone. That's what friends and family are for, to lend a shoulder. I have my guide; I have my number 1 fan and I have my love. He's one in the stars shining in the dark sky. Every time I look up, I know, he's smiling at me, cheering me up, saying I can do it. I can overcome my struggles. I have him. My own stardust. It's my life. My story. My promise to my stardust.