The D/s lifestyle is also based on rules and consequences. In each relationship, there are rules that the partners live by, consequences for falling outside the rules, and ways of making sure each one knows what the rules are and what is expected of them. These rules allow for safe play, help meet needs, and add to the enjoyment of the relationship. In the ideal situation, both the Dom and the sub will work together in setting up these rules, and decide together what is the appropriate punishment for breaking those rules. These rules, or code by which they live, is part of their self-discipline that makes the relationship unique to them.
Part of being a submissive is the desire to please. In order to do this, the sub needs a consistent set of rules and boundaries, and some way of having them enforced. She also needs to know there will be consequences for not following the rules, and what those consequences will be. She is always striving to do her best to meet or exceed the expectations set for her. Failure to do so can be emotionally devastating for her. She needs some way of paying retribution for her infraction and regaining her place in the good graces of her Dom.
Depending on her personal makeup and personality, the discipline can be mild or harsh. Only her Dom knows for sure what will make her feel she has atoned for her errors and been forgiven. This is how she derives her security and sense of being owned by her Dom. This discipline proves to her that she is important to him, and that he truly cares about what she does or does not do.
Discipline can take on many forms. For some subs, merely a word or two can make her feel chastised and truly repentant. Others need a more constructive form of discipline, such as spanking, writing essays, doing extra chores, or being denied privileges. Whatever way is used, it is important that the discipline or punishment focuses on the inappropriate behavior and helps the sub to choose a better action in the future. It must help her see why her behavior was inappropriate, and she should know that she has displeased her Dom. This sense of being found less than pleasing gets to the very root of who she is and why she is a submissive.
Communication is a vital part of the discipline process. Without communication, she may not realize just what it is that she did wrong or failed to do. She may not even know why she is being punished, just that it is her responsibility to submit to the punishment. Without the communication and understanding, the discipline has a tendency to make her feel abused.
Consistency is also important in enforcing the rules. If it was important enough to put it in the rules, then it is just as important that discipline be meted out when that rule is broken. Inconsistency in enforcing the rules leaves a sub feeling insecure and confused. It can break down her emotional well being and leave her unhappy and unfulfilled. This unhappiness and insecurity will rock the foundation of the relationship and soon have things teetering on the brink of total destruction.
When making up the list of rules, it is important to talk about why the rule is needed, what the expectations are, and how it will enhance the relationship. It is also a good idea to periodically go over the rules and make changes where needed. What may be an important rule in the beginning may not be nearly as important a year later. Life will have a way of dictating what some of those rules are, and the types of discipline needed to keep things running smoothly for the both of you.
Making a list of rules may sound daunting at first, especially if you have no idea where to start. Once you know where you want to go with it, you may find you have too many rules. Too many rules can be just as daunting to her as not enough rules. The easiest way to start is to look at your life, decide what things are important that are or are not getting done, and make a declaration about it. If it is important to you that the bed be made everyday, then this may be one of your rules. If one or both of you have a weight problem, then selecting a good weight loss program and sticking to it may be another rule. If she is in school, then her study habits could be the basis for another rule. If she has a habit of getting traffic tickets, then that needs to be one of the rules. The rules need to be attainable for both of you, and ones that can be consistently enforced.
When making up your list of rules, it is a good idea to decide at the time what type of punishment to expect for breaking the rule. Many couples find that spanking is one of the best ways to enforce rules. These spankings are not fun for either partner, and are not erotic in any way. The Dom will take on a parental role, and the sub will acquiesce as a child would to a parent. The Dom must tell the sub what she did that requires attention, remind her why the rule was put in place, and the dangers and risks she exposed herself and possibly others to. You may want to have her stand in the corner for a few minutes to contemplate her actions while you have a few moments to compose yourself and get your own emotions in control. The spanking itself need not be long or overly harsh, yet it should be strong enough for her to feel contrition and remorse. Talk to her while you are spanking her, and make sure she knows exactly why she is being punished. Be sure and tell her how disappointed you are in her actions and you hope this will not happen again.
When the spanking is over, it is imperative to her emotional well being that you hug her and let her know that you love her and forgive her. Remind her that the rules are there to keep her safe and healthy, and to help your lives run smoother. If it was a minor infraction, this may be all the discipline she will need. However, if it was a major rule that put her or someone else in danger, you may want her to further reflect on it by having her write you an essay about why the rule was made, and the importance of her following it. The idea is not to grade her on her spelling, punctuation, or grammar, but rather to help her understand why this rule is important to both of you.
The hardest part in all of this is for the Dom to make sure he always follows the rules he has set forth for his sub. This is not as easy as it sounds and requires a great deal of self-discipline. So how does the Dom handle it when he breaks one of his own rules? Once again, communication is the key. Remember, even though you are a Dom, you are still human and therefore prone to error. Go to your sub, let her know you broke a rule, and discuss with her why it is important that you follow the rules as well as her. It will help her to keep from breaking that rule in the future, and also help her to see that you are not always infallible. This human side of you will help her love you more and be even more devoted to you in the future. Apologize to her for letting her down, and ask her for her forgiveness. In the end, it will be a growth experience for both of you.
As you can see, discipline is multi-faceted and entails many things. Communication, consistency, and honesty are the cornerstones of discipline, and when practiced faithfully, they will help you get the most enjoyment out of life.
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