For NTs: Manic Impulse Explained
It’s not what it looks like. It’s not wilful self destruction. It’s not a cry for help.
Imagine the most important moment of your life, the pivotal decision, the fork in the road that changes everything
So I want to instantly (this very hour) do a thing… this very, VERY important thing.
This is the thing that I have only realised RIGHT NOW is so incredibly imperative. I know it’s impulsive but it’s utterly, utterly brilliant. This is what I need to do. It’s such a great idea. Besides I’m young, this is supposed to be my time, I am allowed to be spontaneous! I can’t believe I’ve only just realised how much I really, really need to do This thing. This is absolutely what I was supposed to be doing all along!! I’m going to do it right now, no point waiting, I’m more sure of This than any decision I’ve ever made before! I have absolute freedom, I am without restriction, I will accelerate to euphoria and success.
Possibilities for ‘This’:
◻️ Drop out of college to pursue something I’ve never even heard of before.
◼️ Resign from a good job I actually enjoy.
◻️ Classic ‘Sex, Drugs and Psychosis’ brand of mania.
◼️ Viciously abandon every friend I have because ‘they’re holding me back’.
◻️ Literally run away to live with someone I’ve only just met.
◼️ Buy business supplies in bulk, for an idea I’m bound to have later.
◻️ Dump my boyfriend/girlfriend on a complete and utter whim, to revel in the turmoil.
◼️ Abandon life, buy a one way ticket to a country I have nothing to do with, have nowhere to stay, no way to get back and no money or safety when I get there.
◻️ Tattoo of something so profound I can’t even articulate why I want it.
◼️ Drink all the spirits in the house alone for literary ‘inspiration’.
◻️ Play with knives to feel the power of taunting mortality.
◼️ Seduce this romantically committed person, chronic boredom likes challenges.
◻️ Buy 14 pairs of these same shoes: it’s an investment.
◼️ Stop taking my meds because they’re stealing my potential. Manic me is the true me, they’ll take her away . After all, what if the Doctor’s are wrong? Maybe I function in a higher plane, all great innovators do, and there must be a misunderstanding.
◻️ Open water swimming, alone, at night, in a very angry sea.
◼️ Start collecting reptiles… I think I’ll start with five… I’ll be going to the shop now.
At the time these decisions don’t appear reckless, ridiculous, risky or wrong. They seem like the most sensible and obvious thing in the world. We are not attention seeking. We don’t have a death wish. Our ability to judge risk is just monumentally impaired and the urgency of these actions becomes overpowering. This is why unintentional death is so notably high in rapid cycling bipolars.
We are brave and inspired and running on double time to the people around us. We are the glorious and the invincible… and sometimes we are running into traffic for the joy of the adrenaline hit.
We’re hitting the ground running… hard… and usually in the face.
If you’re able to help us, please do, but know what you’re looking it. Stare the ugliness of mania in the face but know, with doubtless certainty, that for us, it is most beauteous thing, the most precious place we’ll ever be.
And it’s going to be heartbreaking to leave.
theartofmadeline
annaxmalina
titsay
jacobvanloon
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