Here I speak

🌸 Sideblog 🌸

[suinae-verbis]

[suinae-verbis]

Recently I keep having dreams about my first love.

It's been 7 years since we've met and I've seen so many versions of her. Still, the older I get, the more I understand,

the more I find myself in her,

the more I want to come back in time to save us from what seemed inevitable

Maybe it was inevitable,

maybe we all really have this calling, something dark and dry, inside us that feeds on despair or maybe

only us,

us two, maybe only we had it.

No.

No i'm sure we had it

and I want to hope, that one day, when we both decide to end this

we'll meet again, in this dark and dry place of despair, and we'll feel like when we were young again,

we'll drown,

we'll melt into the abbys together shyly holding hands.

[suinae-verbis]

All I want is to fall asleep next to You everynight

And to wake up to the sight of Your smile everyday

[suinae-verbis]

I’ve been dreaming for so many years now. And I’m serious. Why no one wants to kidnap me? Am I too ugly? Too fat? Too boring perhaps?

I guess if I’m not good enough for being loved, I’m certalny not enough for anyone to go out of their way to make me theirs.

[suinae-verbis]

You made bubblegum taste weird.

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[suinae-verbis]

Once I was sure that no metter what, I should be soft and submissive, obidient. A trustworthy servant, guardian angel of ones that I love.

But I grew tired. I'm scared of letting everyone go, of them turning their backs at me and dissappearing in the darkness.

And so all I can think of now, is locking you up in my house. I'll still serve you, you can count on me, don't worry. Just please don't leave the house allright?

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[suinae-verbis]

It’s like, I’m on a separate track, parallel tunnel, straight, long, made out of old heavy bricks that muffle the sound of my steps. I walk, I walk everyday and I pass many windows that works like venetian mirrors; they cannot see me, but I can see quite clearly. I sight from time to time. There are no fire exits and I don’t know when I will reach the end. I know, that they cannot hear me, beacause it’s like, I’m on a separate track, parallel tunnel, straight, long, made out of old heavy bricks that muffle the sound of my steps. [...]

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[suinae-verbis]

And I lied on my mattress, energy drinks spilled allover the floor and I felt tears gathering up in my eyes but I couldn't cry. I just laughed staring at the ceiling, laughting in the face of god, his son and his personal whore. I smiled because I found it funny, how far they have pushed me when all I wanted was to join their circles.

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[suinae-verbis]

I get these thoughts sometimes. I have this urge to hurt myself so badly that I would end-up in a hospital.

I want to lie in a hospital bed, white sheets stained with blood. Cannula sticking out from between my old scars, the quiet beeping of ecg accompanying my rest.

Maybe If I were in a hospital bed someone would show up, maybe one day I would wake up with vase of cloves next to my bed.

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[suinae-verbis]

My tears soaked through forged love letters. I wrote them when I was drunk, so I won't remember, so I can belive that they were from you.

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[gazanarchive]

I overthink. I over love. I over feel. I’m the sea or I’m nothing.

Juansen Dizon

[suinae-verbis]

why why why everyone looks like him everyday at school I pass people that have something from him nose face-shape hair posture i just can't stand it i'm scared to get out of classroom because I feel like i'm not worthy to walk next to someone slightly familiar to him

[suinae-verbis]

I never wanted this, never had a chance to say what body I’d like to be put in and as who I want to identify as.

If I could I’d be a girl, I’d be skinny and pretty, I’d wear silk and chiffon.

You would probably love me if I’d be a girl.

I can pretend. But I know that you wouldn’t belive in that for long. But maybe, just maybe you would feel sorry for me? For the very first time. If you’d saw me playing pretend.

It’s painfull isn’t it? Weraing dresses.

[suinae-verbis]

I wonder if finishing all those book before I die would make any difference. Will there be someone in purgatory willing to talk about Schulz and Murakami?

[suinae-verbis]

And I have no one who will cover my ears when you tell me you never loved me.

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[suinae-verbis]

I'm starting to think that god has made me as nothing more than a tool to change others and a vessel for their words to be thrown in.

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[suinae-verbis]