A few weeks ago, I posted about Day 1/30 or something along those lines. At the time, I didn't think I would have the motivation to keep up with it, and sadly, I was right.
Old habits die hard, and ever since falling ill and constantly battling various ailments, I've spiraled deeper. It has been tough for me to understand why I'm even studying if my medication is going to make me sleep for 16 hours a day anyway. What's the point of doing anything if I can't find value in absolutely anything?
If it wasn't the flu, it was something else. Sometimes it was my back, an inflammation, an upset stomach, or a side effect of some medicine I had to take. It felt as though I had no control over my life, and I was stuck in a constant cycle of managing my illness and the side effects of their medications.
But it wasn't just my illness. I can always use that as a valid excuse, but sometimes it is just me. Sometimes it's a glittery, shiny H&M ad that has me scrolling through their website for hours. Or maybe it's that party of someone who once meant something to me, but now we only smile when we pass each other that had me cleaning every inch in my room for over three hours. Or maybe it's just the fact that I'm so far away from everything and everyone I've ever known and I hate to be so alone
And after my little week long break down, I was launched directly into finals week.
Any scope of saving my grades had long vanished, and here I was feeling directionless, unmotivated, and burnt out. After my third finals paper that went worse than I though it would, I was devastated. I needed someone ( god anyone) to just cut me some slack
And then, I caught my first break.
Every day from 5 to 7 pm is the golden hour, but somehow, so wrapped up in my own sadness, I never noticed it. Until I did. I opened my curtains, flung open the doors and windows, and let the light flood in. It's 95 degrees outside, but I couldn't care less. I sat there motionless for two hours until the sun set, and for the first time in a while, things felt okay.
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