silly little diary.

💌💮🌿📮📖☕💻🔖

[summercrumbs]

you.

the sunlight that waltzes through the forest, the breeze that hums a lullaby on warm days, the smile that casts spells on sorrow, the clarity hidden in morning mist.

you. you are not the whole kingdom, but you are the magic that makes it bloom. i love you.

[summercrumbs]

i love you,

there’s a line i really like that say, “falling feels like flying till the bone crush”, which i give a nod. it’s true that when you fall, you’re not gonna fly forever but eventually crushed your bones and make you don’t want to fall ever again. that’s how i see love before i met you..

then i thought to myself.. what if in that fall i can sense the breeze caressing my skin, see the sun shining through leaves—blissfully blinding me with its light, tickling my senses, overwhelmed my little heart, making it scream delightfully to the world—letting those billions of people know that, “i’m in love with you! i’m so grateful for your existence! i want you to know that i am in love!”

[summercrumbs]

i’m all about you..

the clouds drift slowly, painting stories in the sky, the trees whisper your essence as the wind passes by. every stray cat feels like your presence, soft and fleeting, and even the taste of that dish you once mentioned. the animals we spoke of seem to echo your name, and suddenly, the world doesn’t look the same. it’s you in every view, every sound, every thought. i realize now—i’m all about you.

[summercrumbs]

look at me, only me!

the flaws you think will push me away, i see them, and i stay. the heaviness you carry alone, i’ll be here—be your home. let the world pull at your gaze, but won’t you look at me instead? i’ll be here, unshaken and steady, the one who stays, endlessly.

[summercrumbs]

let them be, let us be

they could weave their words into a storm, and cast their doubts like shadows on the shore, but with you, the noise fades, and the world feels lighter than ever before.

[summercrumbs]

it is like..

the gift i never expected to come, but i quickly contented to receive. the gift with many imperfections, but i’ll make it perfect in my own ways.

[summercrumbs]

pandora box

today i opened the pandora's box, and it tells me that time isn't on my side. i'm not on track. i'm lost. a presence—an existence blurred my judgement. i'm not being careful. i'm rushing things i should not. i ignored the signs—and i will do it again. i'm going to hold onto that lingering hope, believe in the deceptive expectation that’s trapped inside it—for however long it will be.

[summercrumbs]

ii. to you whom i cherish..

to you whom i cherish, you are one of the most precious beings i have ever known. your existence is like morning dew to my deserted days, a quiet refreshment that breathes life into me. your messages are the cherry on top of my cupcake, lighting me up with its sweetness and sourness—your strength and flaws, i deeply admire them all. you are the unexpected force i welcomed at my rusty door—the same force i want to protect, even if i must move mountains and lift monstrous stones. you are a presence this full-of-evil realm does not deserve—too precious, too adorable, too sweet, too kind. i could go on and on if it’s about you, and how this world and its people should have treated you. you are the one person i truly want to give a thousand little pats on the back, for always trying your best every single day. and i want to remind you that whatever storms, rains, and thunders come your way, i’ll always be here for you, making sure you know it will be okay.

[summercrumbs]

i. to you whom i cherish..

to you whom i cherish, i don’t know what this is, but one thing i know is that every day, i hope for you to have a blessed day—that your coffee is always warm, as well as your tea, your soup, and your bowl of rice. and when it’s getting hot outside, i hope the clouds will always be an umbrella that i send for you, and the trees will be your private shade, finding you wherever you go. i hope you meet a cute stray cat you can pet wherever your feet take you. i hope you’re safe from obnoxious people and are always surrounded by good people and good energy. i hope that when the day ends, you can have time for yourself—a nice bath, a peaceful dinner, relaxing me time, and a good, tight sleep. i hope that your favorite side of the pillow is always cool and comfortable, your blankets are clean, and that the ghosts in your room are praying with me for your good rest, because you deserve every good thing this world could offer.

[summercrumbs]

it could never be..

It was inviting, captivating, tempting, but you'll be forever be a ship I almost jump in.

[summercrumbs]

i'm that cherry blossom tree you spit on.

interesting enough, i shed no tears, and interesting enough, no words are uttered, only disbelief of "what did i do wrong?" everything is in red. it was anger, disgust, embarrassment, and wave of questions of—again, disbeliefs.

all those words you can throw in front of my face, you save it in your inboxes—whispering under the table, and instead, you choose to spit on me—along that fly on the wall.

i wonder if it brings you sheer thrill—are you a pervert? i wonder that, too. mind to tell me how thrilling it was to spit on someone, in public? don't mind bragging, i might clap for you.

i'll clap with my cherry blossoms petals, because, i'm that cherry blossom inside a garden you have turned into a waste pit—but despite that, i'll bloom.

[summercrumbs]

it turns into..

admiration turns into conversation conversation turns into familiarity familiarity turns into attachment attachment turns into that intense feeling—I dare not to say it.

but I'm waiting, for the time I can finally say the word.

[summercrumbs]

the existence of you

there was a time when you were just this tiny pebble—insignificant, a speck of the universe i could easily ignore and toss aside. i don’t know when it happened, i didn’t realize when it all started, and i didn’t notice when this tiny pebble became a cobble—and eventually a boulder. an existence i tried to ignore and deny, but it was too expansive—i had to surrender. now here i am, crushed under the weight of you, a weight that was never meant to hold. but it’s my fault—even when i’m battered, i still choose not to scream the words that deserve to be heard by you.

[summercrumbs]

i will love hard again..

maybe, maybe i was the one who are not allowing myself to fall in love. frightened by something i don't know and that possibly doesn't even exist.

it's like sitting in an open cage. i know i can go out there freely, fall in love with whoever i want, but the cageーit keeps me safe, from falling and crushed my bones, or prevent my wings from being shattered by expectations and false hope.

but was any of it true? or just my endless tunnel of thoughts. sigh, and when i finally let myself to fall in love again, i will love hard—hard enough that i could feel my heart tighten just at the thought of them. i will love hard—so hard that my head spins when i see their text, and my heart skips at their presence. i will love hard again—so fiercely that every moment with them will feel like a gift, and without them, an ache.

[summercrumbs]

seven the age.

in the midst of these 20s life crisis, you'll remember those days when all you wanted to do was play under a big tree in front of your old house, swing under it with a friend you can't recall their faces but still got love for them.

when i think about my childhood, i'm happy, it feels like floating on clouds i once imagine as a land and tell my mom i will live on it someday. the scent of hair oil mom used to rub on my head before i play in the afternoon, and the sound of Popeye playing in the background.

i can smell it, hear it, still. remnants of happy days, childhoodーa simple insignificant word but flooded with memories once muttered. sevenーthe song, as ethereal as it can be, took me back to the warmth and innocence of my sevenーthe age, afternoons.

[summercrumbs]

i stop the buzz.

“the songs about to start, the doors about to open” no, Niki, no. no songs about to start, it was silence all along. no doors about to open, only white walls surrounding me, sucking every last drop of my sanity. no flowers ever about to bloom, i am once again alone, in a desert.

[summercrumbs]

my shattered pieces, i whisper.

i should stop peeking through his window, stop trying to see from his lens, stop resonate with whatever he did, do, or will do. we met too soon, but maybe we shouldn't even met in the first place—my bone has crushed into pieces, shattered. like a glass so fragile beneath the weight of a world that was never meant to hold me. i should have stayed in the shadows, far from his blinding light, for now all that’s left are echoes of what could never be.

“i don't like that falling feels like flying till the bone crush,” but I'm pretty sure i wasn't falling headfirst, and i know it wasn't a fall that could crush my bones. but maybe i was wrong all along, or maybe it was the unknown forces within you that shattered me into nothing when i realized what this pain was trying to tell me. now that it has come to this, could my shattered pieces even reach you by the help of the wind?