[“The focus is the mental and emotional state of the victim, not the boxes that a perpetrator needs to check in order to be let off the hook. Is the person who was hurt feeling better? Have they gotten what they need, emotionally, spiritually? If not, why not?
Perhaps it’s clear why amends happens first—what are you apologizing for, exactly, if the other person still hasn’t been cared for, attended to? Action first. Words later.
An apology, here, does not consist of the words “I’m sorry,” though that statement might be part of it. (It is certainly not “I’m sorry that you were hurt by this perfectly reasonable thing that I did.”) And, as with making amends, a real apology is not aimed at the person who has been hurt, but rather is given in relationship with them. It requires vulnerability and empathetic listening; it demands a sincere offering of regret and sorrow for one’s actions. It requires understanding when approaching a victim might harm them further and navigating that with sensitivity.
The goal is not to do more harm, but to do work that is healing, repairing. This means that the victim’s needs must be centered in the process, always. In subsequent chapters we’ll explore some of the more complex questions around apologies and forgiveness—what to do if approaching the victim may in fact inflict trauma, what it means if the victim is dead and cannot forgive, what it means for the penitent if the victim is not willing or able to be appeased, and the nature and limits of forgiveness.
It is important to note again that, here, repentance and forgiveness are not as tightly intertwined as they are considered to be in contemporary culture. That is to say, from a Maimonidean perspective, repentance is about righting as much of the harm as can be done, and this involves knowing what parts of the process are out of one’s hands.
The work of pacifying, appeasing, and begging forgiveness can feel fraught for some people. It may seem uncomfortable and scary, or embarrassing. It may feel guilt-inducing to own one’s mistakes, selfishness, lack of impulse control, or cluelessness. And yet, the penitent person has already been on a profound journey by the time they arrive at this point. They have had to understand the harm caused, to acknowledge and seek to be accountable for it, to begin working toward deep transformation related to the issue in question, and to invest concretely in reparations. In this way, approaching the victim to try to appease and soothe the wounds one has inflicted may be a natural, organic next step. It may feel like the next obvious thing left to do. By now, the perpetrator’s remorse might be so strong that the apology flows from an open heart seeking change. That is the hope.”]
rabbi danya ruttenberg, from on repentance and repair: making amends in an unapologetic world, 2022
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