push and pull
summary -> why don't his bloodied hands on your body feel wrong? they should be. he should feel wrong, horrifying and evil. so why doesn't he?
content warnings -> suggestive themes, slight nsfw, corruption, denial
her heavy breathing echoed throughout the cave, as she tried to calm her breath. warmness of qimir's body only reminded her further of how wrong this all was, how she shouldn't be here. on this planet, with him at all. she didn't even remember how exactly she ended up like this, under him, in his cot. they were fighting- or at least she wanted to think that they were. that she was, in fact, pushing him away.
now that she came down from the pleasure that he, as the first one in her life inflicted, doubts started tugging at her chest. the hands that were tangled in qimir's hair fell down her sides, and suddenly the cave's walls seemed very interesting. oh how she wished to be taken away by the cold waves that were heard outside, on the shore. away from him.
qimir's expression was unreadable, even when she reached into the force for help. without a word, he shifted off of her, putting his black trousers back on. his back was turned when he ran his hand through his disheleved locks, and her gaze involuntarily dropped to his scar. she winced slightly. she didn't notice it before.
as if he could feel her stare, qimir stood up, walking off in the direction of stacked crates in the corner of his makeshift house, not sparing a glance.
she propped herself up, looking for her top, spotting it thrown on the ground without care. she couldn't say she hadn't expected that, for him to just leave her as she was. the air around suddenly became cold, and she couldn't help but miss his warmth. she still felt a little sore, but she stood up, a little wobbly.
"where are you going?"
qimir's sudden question caught her off guard. when she looked up, he was gazing at her, his head tilted to the side. she didn't know what to say.
with no further explanation, qimir guided her to sit back down, searching for eye contact. but she was distant, constantly avoiding him. he didn't press firther. instead he gently brought the damp fabric he was holding to her skin, wiping away the evidence of their earlier indulgence.
she almost couldn't move, her bewildered gaze noticing the glass of water next to the bed, that he brought too. her brows were furrowed when he withdrew his hands. was this some form of manipulation? it had to be. he wouldn't just do that. she let her guard down before and she fought with herself not to make the same mistake again.
"why are you so surprised?"
his velvety voice cut through the cool air. there was a hint of something in it, that she couldn't quite catch.
silently, she put her clothes back on, not wanting to be so vulnerable. but she was transparent to him already, wasn't she?
"i..." she hesitated "...expected you to take what you wanted and and tell me to leave."
she admitted truthfully. on the contrary, something completely different happened.
there was a pause.
qimir wasn't one to mince words either, so he replied directly. the harshness in his tone was more of a habit than genuine hostility.
"is that what you think of me?"
the question seemed silly to her. of course she did. he was a sith. a merciless sith, that somehow...
for some reason spared her.
"i- i did think that."
yet she wasn't so certain anymore. his attentive caresses were screaming otherwise.
qimir looked at her curiously.
"if you have, why did you let me take you here?"
she opened her mouth, just to close it seconds later. she didn't know herself... there was something about him that lured her in, like a prey. something that made her give herself to him, even if it would be ar her own cost.
or maybe, it was the promises that he had made. ones of freedom and acceptance. something the jedi would never give her if they knew her views on the force. if they knew what grew deep below the surface, rooted in her body. something, that they have inflicted.
even when she almost didn't know him at all, she had a feeling that he would understand her.
"i wanted..." she trailed off. "i wanted closure."
but it wasn't the entire truth. submerging oneself in pleasure and vulnerability, was a forbidden fruit for the jedi, one that she was deprived of for her whole life. and qimir had offered it to her.
he sensed her hesitance, uncertainty, fear.
his knuckles brushed against her cheek, and he tilted her head to look at him, his gaze unwavering.
"what are you afraid of?"
she couldn't look away anymore. run, like she always did.
"our paths are different."
yet she wasn't so sure of it anymore- it sounded like a reminder, but not for him. for herself.
a hint of a smirk tugged at qimir's lips.
"are they?" he questioned. "we are both doomed."
he pointed out, his hand idly tracing her jawline.
everything about him, his voice, his soft skin, and warm brown eyes, made her lean into his touch.
then a bitter thought appeared in her head.
"is this your way of ensuring i won't betray you?"
he let out a chuckle, at the remains of her self-restraint.
"i don't think i have to worry about that."
and he was right. with what he had shown her, what he made her feel...
"no." her answer came quick both because it was true, but also out of...fear. what would he do if she chose to leave?
he hummed in satisfaction. his thumb carresed her lower lip, and she couldn't shake the feeling that she can taste the blood on his hands. same hands that he used to make her see the force itself.
"you kill with such ease." the words that gnawed at her throat, finally left her lips. she stilled after she realised what she just said. that was a wrong move.
but qimir didn't seem affected.
"you knew that before you came to me. have you forgotten who i am?"
she looked down. she wanted to. there was so much contrast within him. how cruel he could be, and how tenderly he chose to treat her.
"no."
her reply came, same as before.
"then why question me now?"
her gaze involuntarily dropped to his full lips when he spoke. she couldn't escape him. and what was worse, she couldn't escape herself.
a smirk appeared on qimir's face when he noticed her looking at his mouth. without a word, he used his hand under her chin to pull her close.
"that's what i thought."
he sounded pleased as he pressed his lips against hers again. and same as before, she didn't pull away. he had her wrapped around his finger.
his first kiss was gentle, just like his demeanor towards her, attentive and careful. so much so it solved, at least temporarily, her inner turmoil. and once she let him do more, parted her lips, he used it, as if he was just waiting for her to give in. his hand moved from it's place under her chin to her neck, firmly enough to keep her in place, but not to make her struggle for breath. not yet, at least.
he urged her backwards, back onto the blankets, his movements decisive, and he followed behind, hoovering over her.
she wasn't dumb, knowing where this would lead. she gathered all of her will to pull away.
"qimir-" her breath was short. "we just-"
she was cut short, by his lips pressing fleetingly to hers, before descending to kiss her throat.
"you can handle it." he hummed against her skin, and she believed him.
satisfied, he let his hand trail down her body, enjoying the softness of her skin, before dipping between her legs.
she couldn't help but press her thighs together, still sensitive from earlier, and he smiled against her. he planted wet kisses on his collarbone and chest. as if trying to prove something to her, he used his knee to separate her legs.
it wasn't long before he left her trembling in his arms again. her eyes were watery from the intensity of the moment.
qimir looked down at her, taking in the sight of her dishelved form. he felt a sense of satisfaction, knowing how far he could push her. he gently brushed away a strand of hair that fell across her face, his touch surprisingly tender.
"alright?"
she nodded, but the same doubts as before gnawed at the pit of her stomach, replacing the warm, fuzzy feeling.
qimir didn't seem to notice, and even if he did, he didn't mention it.
she stayed still, with his arm around her waist. she felt dirty in a sense- there was no going back now. the jedi wouldn't take her in, wouldn't forgive her what she let herself do and feel.
she couldn't look back anymore.
being raised in the temple meant never changing your beliefs nor trust.
and now?
qimir's breathing became even after a long while that felt like hours.
she was the one fearing being left alone before, but the roles have changed now- holding her breath, she sneaked out of his embrace, desperately needing air, that isn't filled with his presence.
her ship was wrecked. she couldn't go there. but surely, surely if she focused, she could take qimir's. it wouldn't be difficult to just break in there...
leaving him for dead on this forsaken planet.
she should've done so. for all the jedi he had killed, for all the damage he has done-
yet she couldn't make herself to do so. his dark mesmerising eyes, and bloody hands that he commited so much evil with, were engraved in her mind, not letting her take another step.
or maybe it was qimir himself, who's presence appeared behind her.
of course he'd find her. she swallowed, and forced herself to sound firm.
"am i not allowed to leave?"
she swore she could see him tilt his head stupidly-
"leave or run?" he sounded calm, despite probably knowing her intentions.
she clenched her fists, cursing him.
"i needed to clear my head."
he crossed his arms. stubborn as ever, yet he could see through her. so much anger, disappointment with the order. just like his younger self...
"clear your head from what? from me?"
"maybe." she huffed, finally facing him. "you're in there too often." he could, and have, in fact, get into her head- during fighting and...not only that, seemingly.
qimir didn't deny it. she was intriguing, from the moment they fought for the first time in the ruined temple. her suppressed emotions, that spilled, when she almost buried him alive.
"yet you let me inside of more than just your head."
he remarked.
she tensed. oh, yes, she has, twice today already.
amusement flickered in qimir's eyes, and he moved closer, predator-like.
"and you enjoyed it." his voice was slow and deliberate, making sure she heard every sylabe.
she couldn't even deny that, the noises she made, and pleas she whispered, testifying against her. she took in a breath.
"your point?"
qimir took in her angry, helpless form. she had the resilience of a jedi, that was for sure. but it was only a matter of time until he breaks it down.
"my point is, you want me. you enjoy being with me. why try to run?"
there it was. the confrontation she wanted to avoid throughout all her years of being a jedi. she was raised to be pure, perfect and unwavering. but she wasn't. there must be something wrong with her, right?
she didn't feel like there was in his presence. she felt as if she found one of her own. but still...
"im not used to..." she gestured between them. "this."
qimir's eyes continued to study her, his gaze never leaving her face. he could sense her uneasiness, her uncertainty, practically taste her internal battle- the struggle between her jedi past, and the newfound emotions.
"to what? being desired? being wanted?"
her mouth went dry as he openly admitted that he desired her. this couldn't possibly be wrong, by how it made her feel.
"no need to be afraid. you're not with the order anymore. you're with me."
qimir's voice was laced with honey and as persuasive as ever. how could she say no to these chocolate eyes? how could he be bad, when he made her feel so good?
cold and warm tides in the ocean mixed together, creating waves that crashed onto the shore. waves that over time carved the rocks, that were able to make them fall.
and so have they.
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