Hohoua Xiong @superrosiepie - Tumblr Blog

It’s that I want someone to hear me. I felt like my feelings have always been rejected. I’m so use to it now but I’d continue to fight hard for my family to care. It’s always about someone else. I’m finally giving up this fight.

Seasons changing

and I’m still here waiting

for signs of life

i know this ain’t it

im still striving

without you

sometimes i think maybe

just maybe

you’ll come back

and embrace me

for the longest time

i couldn’t believe that my dad is really gone

and ive been avoiding the feeling

of missing him

because when i give in

the pain is too extreme

but everyone is fighting a battle within

time continues to pass

he’s still going to be gone

buried deep within my heart

and i wish he was here to guide me

i feel alone without him

but i know he’s always with me

no matter where i am

The times

When he’d ask me if I had dinner plans

When he said so I’ve been thinking about you

When he said no, a proper hug

The way his lips caressed mine

Sitting in silence as our energies interwined

I remember it all and more

But he’s gone now somewhere far away

In the midst of it all, I fell in love somehow

When I write to him

My body gets these tingles

But they are not the feel good kind

It is but mere fear

That maybe this will not go good again

Just like yesterday

And I fear not many things

But there is an uneasy way about him

That drives me a little crazy

And I want to keep feeling it

Like an addiction

How every time it gives me a high

How I’d feel like I was dying

But I’d do it all over again

To push past limits

To keep seeing his truth

I think I just need to cry it out

One tear drop at a time

Leave bits

And pieces of you

On the way to work

And on the way to home

Until I am so free

Like you never had a hold of me

And to think maybe

I was the real me

When I was with you

But I was buried underneath

All the dirt you rubbed onto my skin

It hurts

How I still can’t imagine life

Without hearing your breath

Seeing you look at me

As I look back at you

I’m probably crazy

You probably think so too

But honestly

I loved you

And I still do

Choose internal peace instead.

So I actually did it

I said what I wanted

I pushed past my limits

And I saw the worst come out

But in the end

He came up behind me

Tapped my shoulder

And said he’s sorry

In that moment

I felt like I made history

And that all we are doing

Is still worth it

He showed me who I should not be

Maybe he was troubled

I tried but nothing worked

I felt like a burden

So I left again and again

As if this had been long term

But I think I just wanted to help him

Nothing I did created results

Maybe he was troubled

And maybe just maybe

I was not the problem

onlinecounsellingcollege

“One of the cruelest things you can do to another person is to pretend you care about them more than you really do.”

— Douglas Coupland

onlinecounsellingcollege

“Peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.”

— Unknown

Emotions

Overwhelming me and I just want to sleep

I don’t want to stop caring for fear of effort wasted

But I think I’m gonna go back to my old routine

Putting up walls but this time I’ll have a door lol

You just have to knock and I’ll let you in

But I’m not stepping out anymore

You want to chase?

I’ll let you

That’s how society works so I’ll play this stupid game

I’ll play your stupid games lol

But I’ll always win

I wanted to show you that I care

But I guess it was too much too soon

I should have shown you the crazy after 6 months lol

My bad I wanted to be different

Always feeling like time is slipping away too fast to be honest

I’m not scared anymore

But also not willing at all

Chase all that you want

And I’ll keep running off

8am

Sunday Morning

Time to move

Time to wake up

Currently tired as heck

Been up since 2am

Still single too

No relationship anytime soon

Almost 25 and no kids

Still watching cartoons

It’s 2019

Let it all repeat again

What have I been up to?

It is 12am here. 2018. We’ve made it to the future. I’ve grown up so much since the last time I wrote about anything. Time is just passing me by now. I hope everyone has been well. I work full-time now and don’t update this page at all. I find that when you become an adult it is much easier to keep everything in since work keeps you busy and productive. I don’t have time to feel anything but irritated at traffic and annoying co-workers. My vocabulary has gone down the drain as I’ve stopped writing and reading. I feel useless! Haha. I’m still the same old me. I just sound dumber now when I talk because so many ratchet people come through my work-place and the only way to communicate with them is to speak the language of ratchetness LOL. I told myself I would start writing poetry again. I say it all the time. I’ve gained so much but have lost so much at the same time. It’s hard to express the pain now and easier to live as if nothing’s changed. Well it’s getting late now. Hello Monday morning! Will be back soon.

-hohoua

Dad. I wonder where you are now. Its been really quiet in the house. Me, mom and shuelong are still here. I want to know if you’re okay. But you should be right? It still feels like you just went out of the house. Like the old times. Back in the day. When youd leave to go play slot machines and card games. It feels like you’ll be back soon. Dad. I wish that were true. I wish I could talk to you…

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I wanted to write something but it has come to my attention that my mind is playing scrabble right now.

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6am

My mind is at ease for the first time this week. I look forward to the morning.

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10 days

It’s been quiet lately All I feel is the warmth And I hope its your arms around me Because people dont want to touch me Its been lonely, dad

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