For many, their value as a woman is tied up in being a peacemaker, in being a fixer of problems, in being “nice,” even at a cost to themselves. “I’ve done this,” these women said. “I’ve stayed.” “I’ve even made breakfast for the guy.”
It’s been documented time and again by psychologists and counsellors who work with assault survivors: in reaction to trauma, many women will do things they later regret because they felt somehow compelled to “be nice.” It’s a bit of social conditioning – be deferential, fix problems, avoid conflict at all costs – that keeps women uniquely vulnerable as they recriminate themselves for things that aren’t their fault. Even though no one but rapists are to blame for rape, many women carry their pacifist conditioning over into the aftermath of sexual assault, especially when they know the attacker: Maybe I’m overreacting? Maybe I misinterpreted? Maybe it was me?
Zosia Bielski, How Politeness Conditioning Can Lead To Confusion About Sexual Assaults
